"Do his homework for him while he's at baseball practice." So basically, 'He won't be needing his brains when he'll become the biggest athlete in the world, therefore he mustn't waste his precious time doing petty homework when he can be practicing.'

Welp.

I looked at the load of work I had on my desk. A lot of it mine, a lot of it not.

I never complained. Being in the honors classes, having extra work helped me understand our curriculum better. That, and if I hadn't been doing my brother's homework then I would never have been put into the honors classes at all.

"Your sons having been excelling in their classes. Although Youngmin's classwork doesn't quite reflect much of his learning, his work shown in his homework most definitely does. As for Kwangmin, he has been doing well both in class and in his homework assignments. I believe both are eligible for honors classes for their next year of high school. I strongly recommend they take as many opportunities as they can, as college apps are coming up very soon."

The only reason why I was allowed to get enrolled in the classes I'm in right now is because Youngmin has also 'been doing well' during his assignments. As aforementioned, I didn't really have an issue with that. However.

"Your teacher told me something very concerning during our conference today. She said you're doing better than Youngmin. Didn't you tell me you didn't want to outshine your brother? Then why are you? Why are you outshining your brother? Stop doing so well and permit Youngmin to be the bigger person." 

At this point, I didn't even care about outshining my brother. I didn't bother to correct her about me never claiming to never wanting to outshine my brother. I didn't have the power to argue. But.

"Don't forget. You're just the shadow figure. The extra. No one knows you, and frankly, no one cares about you. Never forget, you are not the main character. And you never will be."

Ever heard of the saying, 'life is like a story?' How about 'you are the main character of your life?' Doesn't matter, because according to Mother, none of these apply to me. I stared at my completed homework, and my brother's unfinished homework. My throat began to hurt, as if my vocal chords were tied into a knot, and my nose burned. I held my breath, and suddenly I could feel my heart beating, pushing against my ribcage. My heart, screaming, kicking, begging for mercy. My lungs, yelling, pushing, crying for a breath. My eyes, stinging. These many things I could feel as I continued to hold my breath, but the only thing I could feel was my infuriating heart pumping against all my veins flowing throughout my body. Thumping in my skull, thumping in my arms, thumping in my legs. I finally let out my breath hard but shaky, with a little bit of spit dripping from my open panting mouth. The knot in my throat went away as did the burn in my nose. I had successfully evaded the upcoming tears.

I need to quickly finish this homework so I can make dinner for everyone. And that's exactly what I did. And as always, everyone arrived at the dining table right when I had finished serving. And of course, my mother proceeded to talk about baseball as she always does. This time, she strayed from the topic of baseball.

"Did you remember what I told you?" It took me awhile to realize she was talking to me.

"I'm sorry?" She gave me a look of annoyance, a roll of eyes on the verge of dropping.

"Homework?" It took me awhile to realize what she was talking about. Oh right. The consequence.

"As punishment for outshining Youngmin, from now on, on all your homework you must purposely make a few mistakes while getting all the answers on Youngmin's homework correct. Oh but don't think it's too bad, at least you get to be in the honors class. You shouldn't complain. Even this is too much for a shadow."

"Of course." A smile of satisfaction was expressed.

"Good." And no one spoke to me again, even after I cleaned up and went up to my room.

I wish I could say 'of course I didn't.' I wish I could stand up for myself. I wish, I wish, I wish. There are so many things I wish. But what can I do? You're only a shadow. The knot in my throat forms again. The burn in my heart. The pounding against my chest. Everything that's been happening to be, and everything that began happening to me. The agonizing burn for baseball. The infuriating knot for equity. But what could I do? What could I do? What could I do but mark a few questions on my homework assignment wrong? What could I do? After all, you're not the main character. No, I'm not. And you never will be. The knot doesn't go away. The burn doesn't go away. All I can hear is pounding. The pounding my of heart. My infuriating heart screaming at me, questioning me, judging me. Asking me, why won't you stand up for yourself? 

I wish I could say. But I can't. I looked into the mirror, and all I could see was a pathetic shadow. It's so funny, how two people can look exactly alike, but so different. My brother, poised, strong, confident. Me, shy, weak, anxious. 

Being in my depressed state, I couldn't find anything to do, so I fell asleep. And the next morning I could not say I woke up feeling any better, as today was the fateful day of the revealing of our college acceptances. Being the shadow of the story, I didn't expect much of anything. I expected community college. On a satisfying contradictory, I found my name on the list of one of the academically best colleges. Of course, my brother was found on the list of one of the best athletically best colleges. News spread. Conversations were made. As were scoldings.

"You must be so proud! Both your sons got into very good colleges! Congratulations!"

"Thank you! ...both my sons?"

When I arrived home that day, I wasn't very surprised to see my mother waiting to greet me.

"I imagine you understand why I'm home so early."

At this point, I wondered whether Mother even remembered what my voice sounded like. I haven't talked to her in so long, excluding our short conversation last night. I nodded.

"Didn't I tell you anything about outshining Youngmin? You told me yourself that you preferred not to outshine him. So why did you?"

The burning in my heart arose once more as an argument formed in my head. But I didn't. I didn't say I prefer not to outshine him. I didn't even outshine him. I never understood her logic.

"I'm sorry." And there it was again. That infuriating look. The annoyed one. The burning in my heart grew and the knot showed itself again in my throat. A stinging was felt in my eyes and my ribs felt broken. I didn't dare to breath, for I was afraid if I did, my cover would be blown. 

Surprisingly, I was dismissed. I slowly stumbled up the stairs and into my room, only tripping twice. A slam of the door was heard, and out the window Mother's car drove by. It was then I finally opened my dry mouth, saliva hanging from both lips as a shaky breath came rigiding out. I didn't allow myself to untangle the knot in my throat. I was afraid if I did, everything I had worked up all these years would fall apart with one single scream. I looked out the window, watching until Mother's car could no longer be seen. The bubbling burn in my chest did not fade away. The spinning in my head did not slow down. I couldn't do anything to stop this infuriating feeling. So I sat down at my desk, opened my book, and proceeded to do my homework. Because although my timidness was infuriating, what could I do?

You're nothing but a shadow.