Seokjin wakes up in his bed, the blanket tucked in around him snugly and a pillow held tightly to his chest. He has a slight headache and his nose feels like it's been rubbed with sandpaper. He rolls onto his back and yawns, stretching his arms out to the side and blinking sleepily. He feels good, refreshed, better than he’s slept in months.

That lasts a whole three seconds before he remembers the night before and almost has a panic attack. He sits bolt upright and looks around for his band mate and friend, intent on apologizing for his behavior. Namjoon isn't in his room and after a quick check he's positive it is, in fact, his room. His stomach starts to churn as he recalls all the things he said and did last night. He had shown Namjoon a side of himself he'd never, ever shown to anyone else. He's always kept his breakdowns well hidden from his family and friends, and later s. He's not sure how Namjoon will react now that he's seen one.

He's afraid to get out of bed. The possibility that he'll walk into the living room and find the members suddenly uncomfortable with him because Namjoon told them everything weighs heavily in his stomach. It's not that he doesn't trust Namjoon (because he does very, very much) but the idea of his deepest secret being let out is enough to allow fear to hijack his rational thinking.

He's tempted to stay in bed and say he's sick but with the comeback fast approaching and all their preparations he knows he can't leave all the responsibility on the others. Grudgingly he pulls the blanket off of him (as much as he wishes he could burrow into it instead) and gets out of bed. His phone says it's half an hour later than he normally gets up but if he hurries he can still get breakfast finished for everyone else.

He doesn't bother changing out of his pyjamas; he doesn't wanna risk not finishing the food in time. He lightly treads down the hallway, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and wishing himself strength to get past this, whatever this is. As he approaches the kitchen the quiet clatter of pans and sizzling drifts down the hallway and into his ears. He walks through the doorway and stops dead when he sees Namjoon standing in front of the oven with an apron on and a spatula in hand.

"Namjoon?" He questions hesitantly, still nervous to confront him but also too confused at the turn of events to ignore it. Namjoon doesn’t cook. He’s not even sure the younger knows how to cook anything beyond ramun.

Namjoon turns around and for a second he looks like a dear in headlights before his lips slip into an easy smile and he throws his hands up into the air. "Ta-da," he says, flour between his dimples and all over his face. "I'm making breakfast!"

Seokjin looks him up and down, from the powder on his face to the variety of questionable sticky spots on his front and blinks a few times. "You- you're... making breakfast?"

Namjoon nods enthusiastically. His bangs fall into his eyes in the process and he blows them away. "I was up early and couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I'd make breakfast for everyone."

The wide smile on the younger’s face is almost enough to make Seokjin disregard what he said. Almost. "Oh," he says quietly and looks down to hide the red his cheeks must be. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to disrupt your sleep." He swallows and looks up just in time to see Namjoon's face drop.

"Wha- No, you didn't!" Namjoon shakes his head and makes his bangs fall into his eyes again but this time he doesn't bother blowing them away as he hastily back tracks. "I slept very well! I woke up too well rested and just couldn’t lay in bed any longer!” His smile returns but Seokjin isn’t convinced.

“Do you even know how to make breakfast?”

Namjoon makes an exaggerated gasp and clutches his chest like Seokjin had wounded him. “Of course I know how to make breakfast! I happen to be a connoisseur of breakfast foods.” He makes a show up throwing the spatula into the air and trying to catch it only for it to slip from his fingers and clatter to the floor. He looks up at Seokjin with a sheepish smile. “Okay, maybe more like an apprentice of sorts.”

Seokjin shakes his head but he can’t shake away the small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “You’re hopeless,” he tries to chastise but he can’t keep the fondness out of his voice either.

“I prefer to think of myself as an almost-lost-but-I-can-dream cause, actually.” Namjoon drops the dirty spatula into the sink and grabs a fresh one, turning back to Seokjin with a serious look. “I will finish this breakfast.”

The idea did sound nice… Being able to relax and have someone else make breakfast for once was definitely appealing. Maybe he could even go back to sleep for a while. He stifled the urge to yawn at the idea. He couldn’t and he knew it. Even if Namjoon was dead set on cooking the least Seokjin could do was help, especially with how much the younger had helped him yesterday.

“Alright,” Seokjin nods. “You do the eggs and I’ll do the rest.” He takes a step forward to grab an apron when Namjoon side-steps him and grabs his arm, pulling him back.

“No no no no. I'm making this breakfast by myself. Go sit in the living room or go back to bed but I am not letting you back into this kitchen.” He gently pushes Seokjin out despite the elder’s protests.

Now Seokjin is left standing in the doorway to the living room, very confused but also very tempted to just go with the flow and go back to sleep. An extra half hour can go a long way when you’re as tired as he feels. What could it hurt, really? He shuffles over to the couch and collapses onto it, fumbling with an alarm on his phone so he can still wake up before every one else.

He’s glad Namjoon is being as understanding about last night as he is. He really isn’t sure he could bear it if he’d ruined anything with his show of weakness. His band mates are everything to him and the idea of losing their faith is worse than anything else he could imagine. All he wants is to make them happy and hopefully have some happiness left for himself afterwards.

He falls asleep to the sound of bacon sizzling and the clatter of pans.

 

---

Something is shaking Seokjin. He slips from his dreams slowly, his eyes opening barely a faction as he wakes up. He thinks it’s Namjoon above him but he’s not sure until the blurry figure speaks.

“SEOKJIN,” the figure shouts out. Ouch. Not Namjoon. Hoseok continues shaking him and grins down. “Breakfast is ready, Seokjinnie-hyung.”

It takes a second for the elder to realize what that means but when he does he literally jumps off of the couch. Hoseok backs up a step in surprise but Seokjin is too busy scrambling to his room to wait for another reaction. In all the years they’d lived together there had only been a handful of times he’d woken up after them and they were almost exclusively caused by him being sick. He can’t believe he slept in, today of all days when he’d already filled his quota of mistakes yesterday!

He knows he doesn’t have time to shower but he quickly brushes his teeth and cleans his face. He’s glad he’d been barefaced last night or else he would have had tear streaks of eyeliner to deal with this morning and that would have been seen by literally all the members who looked at him. It only takes him two minutes and forty-seven seconds to get ready and changed before he’s gong back to the dining room to meet his band mates.

They’re all eating already when he arrives. Namjoon looks up from his toast and gives Seokjin a small but sincere smile before he continues a conversation he’s having with Yoongi. Seokjin’s eyes quickly scour the table but no one is even looking in his direction. He knows from personal experience that avoiding or trying to hide something the group already knows about is useless. The only way to go about things like this is to bare them open and hope everyone cares so little that they don’t question it.

“Good morning,” he says cheerfully as he takes his seat. Hoseok and Jimin return his greeting vocally whereas Taehyung and Jungkook pause whatever they were saying to both look at him wordlessly. He clears his throat and says it again but the two just narrow their eyes in unison before looking at each other and then back to Seokjin. He can feel his face on the verge of heating up but he knows if he allows it the two most troublesome boys will never give up. He draws on the small amount of sass left in his reserve and gives them the best Mother Seokjin is getting very annoyed right now look he can and says “Can I help you?”

Jungkook’s eyes widen and Taehyung swallows. “Nope,” they say at the same time and return to their breakfasts. Seokjin swells with pride and accomplishment at his little victory. He reminds himself that while he might have bad days he is still their mother hen and the boys don’t see him any differently, save for maybe Namjoon. That was an entirely different problem right now. While Namjoon didn’t seem appalled or bothered by his reaction perse he did seem to be treating Seokjin much more fragilely and that was the exact opposite of what the eldest wanted. That was precisely why he kept his breakdowns hidden: he couldn’t bear the group seeing him as weak or like he was made of glass. He was not weak, he just had weak days sometimes; There was a difference.

As they go about their day Seokjin can’t help but observe Namjoon. He’s waiting for something the younger will do that will out Seokjin somehow, a worried comment or flurry of attention towards him but the leader acts exactly the same as usual. He barely even looks at Seokjin. It’s all so normal. Seokjin isn’t sure if he should be relieved or not. He’s glad that things seem to be normal despite his outburst but he can’t help but wait for the hammer to drop. It’s too perfect that he could have let so much show to Namjoon and just get away with it without any ill consequences.

So he waits, waits for things to come crashing down like his fears tell him will happen. He waits the next day and the next, positive something bad is around the corner. It’s four days later and nothing has changed when Seokjin finally lets a bit of relief out. Namjoon clearly hasn’t told anyone and at this point Seokjin has run out of excuses to doubt their leader. He feels bad that he did doubt him at all but that speaks more to his own fear than Namjoon’s character. Their leader has always been a kind and thoughtful person and Seokjin knows that but his own fear had been so strong it was almost uncontainable.

Seokjin settles back into the routine of a comeback. It’s as stressful as he had been expecting and then some. Their new album will feature solo songs from everyone as well as some group tracks. Seokjin, Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin have one together and Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi have one together as well. Seokjin isn’t really worried about those ones. It’s not scary when he has the others to rely on but his own song…

He’s terrified of their comeback because of it. As soon as they release the album his song will be sent out at high speeds across the world and available to anyone who wants to listen, the lyrics that speak more of his true feelings than anything he’d ever told anyone being handed out like pamphlets to every Army. It had taken many nights to write that song, to allow himself to open up like that so he could share. He’s still not sure how he managed it. Even thinking about singing the song to anyone makes his insides curl like spoiled milk. It was baring a piece of himself… a piece he’d never mean to share.

Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook: they’ve earned this. Namjoon and Yoongi have both released solo projects and Hoseok is on his way, along with being the best dancer in the group. Jimin boasts second best dance position and has a voice like silk that captivates everyone who hears it. Taehyung’s voice is more like sticky sap that you in with its sweetness and keeps you wanting more. Jungkook is just good at everything, singing dancing and his stage presence: it’s all perfect. They were all worth it.

Seokjin isn’t sure where he stands exactly. He knows he has a nice voice but he’s never been very good at dancing. He’s always stuck at the back as much as possible during choreography and only comes to the front for vocal breaks. He’s not upset over it; he’s made peace with it. He isn’t meant to fly like the rest of them. His fate is to stay in the back and support them so that they can fly. It’s his truth and it was where most of his lyrics have come from. He isn’t bitter over it, either; He can’t be when he has his six best friends at his side. They love him and that’s all that really matters. He won’t give up when they’re beside him.

So he resigns himself to a place mostly in the shadows. He isn’t particularly talkative on variety shows, can’t be in comparison to the other members. He has his moments but they’re fleeting and short like a shooting star and to be honest he’s okay with that. He wasn’t born to light up the sky forever. He takes the moments he gets and smiles when the other members keep burning, brighter and stronger than he can ever hope to be. They are his stars and he will watch them shine brightly from Earth and be proud.

Seokjin is okay with this, with all of it. He knows that not everyone is destined to be on top and he’s okay with just standing near their feet, sharing a view that was never his to begin with. He loves s and rather than envy their success his heart swells with pride every time they reach new heights. They are the flowers he watches bloom more and more every day and every day he smiles again. He will stay by their side, walking next to them as they continue to reach new heights.

They are the six flowers he holds in his hands, forever brightening and bringing colour to his existence 

 

---

 

It’s D-day and Seokjin's been feeling like he’s going to throw up all day. It’s worse than its ever been before a comeback and at first he isn’t sure why but then a staff member tells him she loved his song and the vomit seems to rise up Seokjin’s throat without his permission. He hastily excuses himself and barely makes it to the men’s room before he throws up into a urinal. Everything he’s ever tried to hold inside is starting to leak out and he isn’t sure how much longer he can keep the rest in. His whole world is shattering and everybody is about to know it.

Every ounce of control he has been struggling to hold onto slips away and suddenly tears are slipping down his cheeks. He feels the dam break once again and this time he isn’t able to hide in his room. He let’s loose right then and there, body curling into itself on the dirty tile of the bathroom floor. His arms wrap around his knees and he buries his face into his legs and wishes to be someone else, anyone else who doesn’t have to deal with this. His breath starts to feel harder and harder to take in and at some point he starts to hyperventilate. Everything becomes a blur of sound and colour that he can’t process and he really wants his mommy right now.

He isn’t sure how Hoseok gets in but suddenly the boy is kneeling in front of Seokjin, face worried and now Seokjin feels worse because Hoseok somehow found him and is going to hate Seokjin, he knows it. His tears get stronger and now Hoseok is getting up. He’s leaving Seokjin just like the elder was afraid would happen. He sobs loudly and hiccups and now he can’t breathe at all. He gasps as his lungs try to in the air his throat won’t let him get and he’s sure he’s going to die and he’s so, so so afraid.

Then Hoseok is back and he pulls Seokjin into his lap and wraps his arms around Seokjin and suddenly the elder is being rocked softly while Hoseok sings a nice song into his ear. It confuses Seokjin because he thought he scared Hoseok away but now the younger is holding him tightly and the air starts to return to his lungs. He’s still crying and his heart is still trying to burst out of his chest but at least he can breathe and that is good. He’s so scared but Hoseok’s voice is soothing so he let’s the younger sing to him while he cries. He knows he messed up and is still afraid Hoseok will leave him when he stops crying so he starts to cry harder.

Hoseok wraps his arms tighter around him and presses soft kisses into Seokjin’s hair that feel really nice. “It’s okay,” he says softly into Seokjin’s scalp. “It might not actually be okay but I’m here so let’s pretend it is for now.”

Seokjin wants to yell at him that that’s not good enough because he doesn’t want Hoseok to leave him but he’s so afraid to ruin the last moment he has with him so he stays quiet apart from his sobs. He’s not sure how long he cries but his face is wet with tears and so is Hoseok’s hoodie where Seokjin’s face rests in it. Everything feels wet and broken and he’s afraid to stop crying because he doesn’t want Hoseok to leave him. Eventually there’s a knock to the bathroom door and Seokjin gasps and cries harder because it’s time for Hoseok to leave and he doesn’t want him to.

“Seokjin? Hoseok?” It’s Namjoon’s voice coming through the door and Seokjin feels his heart start to beat hopefully. He sniffles and looks up at the door and back at Hoseok, wondering what to do.

Hoseok smiles softly down at him and runs his hand through Seokjin’s hair, pushing his bangs softly back. “Do you want to see Namjoon?”

Seokjin nods once but grips tighter to Hoseok’s sleeve. “Please don’t leave me,” he half sobs, his heart hammering too hard again and a fresh wave of tears clouding his eyes. Everything is under water and it’s so hard to see.

“I promise I won’t leave,” Hoseok says softly. “I just wanna let Namjoon in.”

Seokjin holds even tighter to Hoseok’s sleeve and looks up from his lap curiously but also with the fear of finding out something bad. “Why do you have to let him in?”

“Because I locked the door so no one could come in if you didn’t want them too.” Hoseok runs his hand lightly through Seokjin’s hair and he wants to cry happy tears because Hoseok didn’t want to leave him! He was just taking care of him and now Seokjin’s tears stop almost completely.

He nods once feebly but still doesn’t let go of Hoseok’s sleeve when he tries to leave. The younger looks down at Seokjin curiously and Seokjin buries his face in Hoseok’s sleeve. “Promise you won’t leave me,” he asks again into the soft material because this is too good to be true and he needs to make sure.

Hoseok smiles at him and it’s the smile that makes Seokjin feel like he’s weightless that only Hoseok can give. “I promise Seokkie.”

The nickname makes Seokjin smile a little and he gives a small nod, carefully removing his fingers from Hoseok’s sleeve. He watches with fear but also hope as the other boy walks to the door. He unlocks it and pulls it open. Namjoon walks through and instead of leaving, Hoseok closes the door and locks it with a click. He moves past Namjoon and takes his place back under Seokjin, once again pulling the elder onto his lap.

Namjoon smiles down at him and moves to sit cross legged in front of him. His arms hang limply on his knees and he reminds Seokjin of Mr. Potato Head for some reason. He laughs and Namjoon smiles wider. “Hi, Seokkie.”

Namjoon has never called him that before, only Hoseok, but it makes Seokjin grin and despite him cuddling further into Hoseok he feels his fear start to go away. “Hi Joonie,” he breathes.

Namjoon is smiling so wide that Seokjin almost believes all his sadness is just in his head. Namjoon and Hoseok are so happy that it’s hard for Seokjin not to be.

“I like that,” Namjoon says.

“What?” Seokjin is curious because if Namjoon likes it it has to be good.

“When you call me Joonie,” he beams down at Seokjin. “Maybe that can be my nickname,” he suggests.

“Okay,” Seokjin agrees, because he likes it too and he’s glad Joonie likes it also.

“Hey,” Hoseok whines from above him and Seokjin cranes back to look at him. “Don’t I get a nickname too?” He pouts and Seokjin giggles, bringing his hands up to hide his laughter.

“You wish you were that cool,” Joonie laughs and Hoseok pouts further.

He looks down at Seokjin and frowns. “Can I please have a nickname?”

Seokjin pretends to think for a minute before he nods once at Hoseok. “You can be Hissy!”

“I don’t wanna be Hissy,” he whines before Joonie kicks his foot. “Just kidding! I love it.” He leans down to kiss Seokjin’s hair again and now Seokjin isn’t sure how he could ever have been sad. Joonie and Hissy are here for him and he’s never been happier.

“But Seokkie,” Joonie says. Seokjin turns to him and quirks his head curiously as he waits for Joonie to speak. Joonie seems nervous. “We have a photo shoot to finish…” He trails off and Seokjin feels his blood run cold like ice.

Joonie pales and holds his hands up quickly. “But we can do it another day if you’d rather!”

Seokjin nods furiously and Joonie doesn’t even hesitate. He nods once and gets up, brushing his pants off. “I’ll tell them Seokjin isn’t feeling well and you went with him. We can do your shoots another day.” He speaks entirely to Hissy and Seokjin spends the time doodling on Hissy’s jacket with his finger as he waits.

“Go. I’ll get him home,” he hears Hissy say and he gets nervous again. Joonie leaves and Seokjin looks up at Hissy.

“I don’t wanna see anyone,” he whines. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this with old tears on his face and snot in his nose.

“Don’t worry,” Hissy grins down at him. “I know a lot of secrets.” He giggles and Seokjin giggles too because Hissy reminds him of a secret agent.

Hissy gets him out of the building like a secret agent too. He puts big sweaters on both of them and sneaks them through a lot of quiet hallways just like James Bond. By the time they reach their car Seokjin is so convinced their game is real he thinks their driver is a double agent. He tells Hissy as much and even shares his special way of knowing: if they don’t look at you they’re a bad spy. Hissy hums and promises to investigate and that’s good enough for Seokjin. He snuggles into Hissy’s side the whole ride back and doesn’t stop until they get home.

As soon as they go through the door Seokjin is bouncing up and down with energy. He wants to play a game and he begs Hissy to play with him.

“What do you want to play,” Hissy asks as he lets Seokjin drag him to the living room.

“Mario Kart,” Seokjin announces. He’s good at that game and he smiles at the idea of beating Hissy. 

“Okay,” Hissy agrees. “But I get Yoshi!”

They play for a while. Seokjin wins every time and he giggles when Hissy pouts. He likes winning. He likes it more when Hissy tickles him to try to make Seokjin lose. He has so much fun he almost doesn’t hear the front door open but he definitely does and he turns sound quickly, hoping it’s Joonie. When he sees it is he drops his controller in the middle of the game and runs over to him.

“Hi,” he giggles out, arms wrapping tightly around Joonie’s middle.

“Hi,” Joonie speaks into his hair. Seokjin loves it when people talk into his hair and he sighs happily. Joonie gently grabs his shoulders and pulls them apart, looking sternly once at him before he moves over to Hissy. “Don’t you think we should go to bed?”

Seokjin shakes his head because it’s early and he’s having a lot of fun but he hears Hissy hum from behind him. “Yeah, it’s getting late.”

Seokjin whines and looks back at Hissy, pouting. “A bit longer? Please.”

Joonie and Hissy share a look but Seokjin doesn’t know what it means. He looks back and forth between then before Joonie speaks. “No, it’s bed time.”

Seokjin whines again and is about to throw a hissy fit (hee hee just like Hissy) when Joonie starts to tug him towards his bedroom. “No Seokkie. It’s bedtime.”

“But I don’t wanna be alone,” he admits right as Joonie pulls him through the door. He stops and looks at Seokjin and even Hissy is standing in the doorway now. He feels small and scared because now that he’s had them so close he’s afraid to let go. He doesn’t want it to be a dream.

“Give me one second, okay? I’ll be right back,” Joonie promises before he carefully removes himself from Seokjin’s grip to go talk to Hissy. They’re too quiet for Seokjin to hear and that scares him because he’s still afraid they’ll leave. He somehow feels smaller than ever before.

Finally Joonie comes back and so does Hissy, closing the door behind him. “How about we both stay for tonight,” Joonie asks.

Seokjin nods happily and jumps onto the bed, turning back to the others with a smile. “Like a slumber party,” he grins.

“Yes, like a slumber party.” Hissy jumps in next him and immediately begins to tickle Seokjin, making him sputter and laugh at the sudden attack.

“Hoseok!” Joonie admonishes. He glares down at the other boy. “Don’t keep him awake.”

Seokjin shrinks at Joonie’s tone and wraps his arms around Hissy to protect him. “Don’t yell at him,” he says. “He was just playing!”

Joonie’s face softens and he sits down on the edge of the bed. “I know,” he says, hands reaching out to grab both Seokjin’s and Hissy’s. “But it’s bed time and play time has to stop.”

Seokjin whines again but Hissy places a kiss to his forehead. “We can play another time,” he promises and Seokjin lights back up.

“You swear?” Hissy nods and Seokjin squeals. “Okay,” he agrees.

Joonie climbs into the other side of the bed and pulls the blanket over them. Seokjin snuggles as close as he can to them both and sighs happily. He’s so happy with both Joonie and Hissy here and he never wants to fall asleep because he never wants it to end. He vows to stay up as late as he can so it lasts as long as possible. That doesn’t last as long as he hoped with Hissy’s arms around him and Joonie rubbing soft circles into his back. He falls asleep before he even realizes he’s tired.