“And guess what he tries to bribe me with? Hundred pounds of crack !” Everyone burst into laughter. I cracked a smile, knowing that would be the normal response in this situation.

As the laughter around the room started to subside, I got to my feet.

“That was good, Kangnam, but you still need to write the report before going home tonight,” I said, causing the man who had been amusing the crowd with his wild tales to groan.

“Good work everyone,” I added to the room in general. We had just caught an underground drug gang selling drugs to rich kids at the clubs. Weeks and weeks of work had gone into trying to rope them in – it was a victory for the team and being their chief, I didn’t want to dampen the mood so soon. “You’ve got till tomorrow to turn it in.”

“Thanks boss!” Kangnam cheered and I was treated to a round of applause.

“Don’t drink too much, you still need to come in to work tomorrow,” I warned my team as I shouldered into my jacket, slapping my pocket to check for car keys.

“We still have chicken left, are you sure you’re not staying boss?” Minseok hollered at me.

I waved him off with a smile before exiting the room and boarding the elevator. I liked my new team, my new office. The best part of it was that I was allowed to get away…from the old people, old memories.

It was a of luck that I got this job. There were some transfers and promotions, and this position had opened up just when I needed it. I had taken some time off – I had no wish to return to this job at first. But then I realized that being cooped up in my flat without anything to do would drive me crazy. The pain would drive me crazy.

The pain was constant, but it eased off a bit when I was concentrating on my work. It had been 6 months now, and I had learned to befriend the pain. I wish it had been physical pain, one that could be warded off by painkillers. There was no remedy for the anguish I felt, no solution, no redemption.

Getting into my car, I secured the seat belt, the engine and switched on the radio. Passing a few music channels, I settled on the news. Conflict, war, politics – they didn’t affect me as much as they used to. It was like I was in a different world, far removed from everything around me.

I drove past my office, through busy roads, it was late, but Seoul was a city that never slept, I was sure of that. When I finally arrived at my destination, thankfully I didn’t have difficulty finding a parking spot. Paying for the parking, I shuffled into the small but cozy restaurant. The owner knew me well, took me to my favourite spot in the corner, farthest away from the densely populated section of the restaurant. Even at this hour, there were people here, eating, talking loudly, their shot glasses clinking noisily. So much laughter, so much happiness. None of that for me.

Pouring myself a shot from the soju bottle the owner had brought to my table, I took a swig. The liquid burned my throat but it was a welcome relief from the pain. Sometimes, I thought if I could stand in the middle of raging flames, I would be completely pain free.

my lips, I checked my phone. He was two minutes late already. I didn’t really care. No, I cared about him. I just didn’t care about being stood up. Nothing mattered anyway.

As I was downing my second shot, he arrived. Apoligising hastily, he drew the chair in front of me and sat down, glancing furtively at the green bottle on the table, no doubt checking how much I had already drunk.

When the waiter arrived to greet him and take his order, he tactfully set the soju bottle on his tray and sent it away. I had to admit he was smooth. He had taken control of the situation within minutes of arriving, without being openly judgmental. Props to him, he was getting back his former edge.

“How are you doing Myungsoo?” hyung asked.

“Better,” I said.

There was no point saying I was fine because Sunggyu would know I was lying. I had to be careful of the Sunggyu sitting in front of me because even though he was back to his old self now, he was a lot more perceptive when it came to me. The bond I had never shared with my brother had been slowly built as we mourned the loss of the one we loved. Sunggyu had recovered rapidly after the incident, gained back his memory, his personality, his intelligence. We never spoke about the year of his life that he had lost. It was better buried.

“How’s work?”

“Good.” Knowing he wouldn’t be satisfied with the monosyllabic answer, I added, “We caught the Viking gang. A few loose members walked free but they won’t do much harm. We got the big fish.”

Nodding, Sunggyu congratulated me. His bibimbap was served as I fiddled with my jajjangmyun. 

“I’m glad you’re working so hard.”

That’s the only way I can keep myself sane, I wanted to reply. But there was no way I would talk to him about this. I didn’t even talk to the therapist they had gotten for me, just after the incident. No one would understand my feelings – even I didn’t understand them fully. Someone had once mumbled something like Stockholm syndrome even. They just couldn’t fathom the situation.

“How’s your work?”

As he had gotten better, Sunggyu had been rehired by the police department as a desk agent. He reckoned that he would be able to take his exams and go out in the fields within a year. He had been a well-renowned detective after all – they all wanted him back on the field.

“Boring but doable,” Sunggyu replied, shrugging. “I’m taking the qualifying exams in January.”

“That’s great news,” I replied. I was sincere, even if I didn’t sound it. The improvement hyung had made in such a short time was so immense. I was genuinely happy for him.

Sunggyu’s phone buzzed and he picked up to check the text he received. Putting it down, he looked at me and said, “So I take it you have no intention of going back to Homicide?”

“Nope.”

“You didn’t have to change your department, really. If you – er, if you wanted to avoid…them, you could have just left the precinct.” His voice was cautious, tactful. Even as he spoke, he watched me. The thing with detectives was that they tried to read everybody, not just suspects. Friends, family. Out of force of habit, more than anything else. So two detectives sitting opposite each other always ended up being a game of weighing up one another, examining, investigating, even if they were brothers.

“You know why I left – I just wanted to be done with it all.” That was the truth, but there was another reason I left. It was because I had wanted to be where I am now, in Narcotics. Back then I wasn’t sure what I was thinking but I had an inkling now. Maybe I had believed that if I got to capture any of…any of his men, one of the higher ups, I would maybe be able to ask them about him. Maybe they would be able to tell me why he had infiltrated our lives like this, who he really was. Because a part of me was still in disbelief.

“I understand.” Pausing, he said, with some hesitancy in his voice, “Woohyun wants to see you.”

Dropping my chopsticks, I glared at him. We had an unspoken rule about not bringing up Woohyun’s name. It was difficult, given that Sunggyu and Woohyun were together now. Once Sunggyu had started to get better, Woohyun and he had rekindled their old flame. I didn’t oppose it because no matter how mad I was at Woohyun, I wasn’t selfish enough to deny them their happiness. I didn’t even care about it when they had moved in together. It was only natural. I was happy for them, as long as I didn’t have to face situations like this.

“I don’t want to see him.”

 “I told him he could be here. He’ll be here in five minutes.”

“What-no! I don’t want to see him – which part of it do you not understand?”

“He misses you, he really cares for you-”

“Then maybe he shouldn’t have killed the one person I loved.”

A gasp of cold air passed between us. Hyung’s shoulders stiffened. My heart started throbbing painfully and I quickly hid my face in my hands to cover the expression of pain.

We sat in silence, me with my face in my hands and hyung motionless, until he arrived.

“Myungsoo,” Woohyun said, his voice dripped with emotion but it didn’t touch me. He hadn’t really changed but the way I viewed him had. The reason I left my old job, the reason I had chosen not to see him in the last 6 months, was that every time I looked at him, I saw Sungjong’s killer.

“I’m sorry for forcing myself on you like this-”

“Then leave,” I said coldly, not regretting it.

“Myungsoo, give him a chance,” Sunggyu said, moving closer to me to make room for Woohyun.

“Chance?” I laughed derisively. “He didn’t give Sungjong a chance.” I had never said these words, even though I had thought them over and over again, lying awake in my bed.

Woohyun looked hurt. Leaning forward, he whispered, “I don’t understand, you’re choosing a killer, a drug lord, over me? I am your friend, your partner-”

“I don’t want to hear this.” I stood up, ready to leave. Grabbing me by the sleeve, Sunggyu pulled me down to my seat.

“Myungsoo, I don’t think your anger is irrational. But you have to understand Woohyun was trying to protect all of you.”

“It’s not like you remember. It’s what he says.”

I was being harsh towards my brother but I was mad at him for springing this on me. I had avoided meeting Woohyun so that I could hold on to the last bit of respect I had for him. I liked to think that he regretted somehow, regretted taking away everything from me.

Even today, when I closed my eyes I could see it clearly – Sungjong falling, his clothes bloodied.

“Sungjong,” I had said, pleaded with Woohyun.

And that cold man had just let Sungjong be buried within the rubble, no remorse.

The pain shot through the roof as I tried to dissociate myself from the memories. Everyone had wronged me, betrayed me.

“Myungsoo, please, you have to see Sungjong for who he really is…was,” Woohyun said earnestly. “You remember him as your loving boyfriend but he was the Blood Lily, he killed people, he destroyed people’s lives and he bragged about it. You heard him.”

“His confession cleared Sunggyu hyung’s name.”

A muscle on Sunggyu’s face twitched.

Woohyun shook his head exasperatedly.

“Well, why did he try to frame Sunggyu in the first place?”

“He didn’t-”

“Look, we shouldn’t talk about this,” hyung intervened. “It’s…in the past.”

“How could you say that?” I cried. “Your boyfriend took away the love of my life and he doesn’t give a damn about it! He’s the reason I’m in pain all the time. I know what Sungjong was, okay. I know he would have gone to jail and he deserved to and all that but he didn’t deserve to die.” I had raised my voice, above all the noise of merriment from the tables around us. People were starting to stare. “I’m done,” I said, pushing my food away and getting to my feet. I didn’t let hyung stop me this time.

I was out of the door, walking towards my car when I heard hurried footsteps behind me. If it was Woohyun, I was ready to punch him. But it turned out to be hyung.

“I’m sorry about today,” he said, falling in step with me. “Myungsoo, the pain you were talking about-”

“Forget it,” I muttered. The cool air was helping me to calm down.

“Do you think it would be easier on you if Sungjong was…alive?”

I stared at hyung. He looked uneasy for some reason.

“What does that even mean?”

“Nothing,” Sunggyu said quickly, as if deciding something in the spur of the moment. “If-if you need any help, tell me. I won’t do this again.”

With that, he wrapped his arms around me loosely in a hug, before leaving. I had a feeling that he had stepped out of the restaurant to tell me something but then had decided against it. Perhaps he would have appealed for Woohyun.

It didn’t matter. As I got into my car, I let the pain engulf me again.