I am a mess. I didn't know how much of an impact he has in my life until he is gone. Damn him, for making me like this. The room that once filled with laughters are now filled with awful sadness, sometimes filled with my sobs and whines about how I loved a jerk. It's been what-- 3 weeks since he left me. I cant believe I'm still mourning, depressed over this.

I should be out and having fun right now. I should be dancing to some beyonce songs or maybe hitting octaves in a karaoke with my friends but why do I find myself stuck in my bed wearing his hoodie that smells like smoke and liquor-- just like him. Why am I trapped in this room where our memories together linger in every corner? In 3 weeks, why can't I move on even just one step? Why can't I leave everything behind and start a new chapter without him?

He made me find home in his arms and I hate myself each day, now he is gone, for allowing it to happen. Flashes of memories from 3 weeks ago still haunt me. His fingers intertwined in mine. Those soft whispered "I love yous'". Those sneaky kisses. Those unexpected hugs. I miss everything about him. I miss those memories shared and made with him.

Damn, why did I love someone like him? He made me love myself and now he is gone i'm back on hating every part of me. I hugged myself as if the smell on his hoodie is enough to comfort me like what his hugs do. His hoodie smells like him-- smells like home, my safe haven. Why did I love someone like him who will leave me just like that? I look up at the ceiling where I see the glow in the dark stars we've put, glow and I just wish I am with him right now, he'd probably tease me on how good his idea was to stick those on. Sadly, he isn't.

My apartment is a mess, so am I. Clothes are scattered everywhere as if they are waiting for him to be home and be picked up from the mess made, just like me. This apartment screams our memories and maybe that's one of the reason I lock myself here. I'm afraid to face the reality that when I leave this place, once I go back no one will welcome me with kisses. No more "How's your day?".

No more him, welcoming me and making me feel safe with his touch. I'm afraid to leave this place because I know when I return, there is no him sitting on the couch while watching my favorite anime. So, rather leaving this place... I stayed. I don't know until when... but for now, I'll stay with the memories that linger in every corner of this apartment.

I close my eyes as tears roll down my cheeks. My silence turned into loud sobbing, hoping he will hear it and open the door saying "Baby, i'm home... I was a jerk! I'm sorry." but that's not the case. This isn't just like before where we fought about what channel to watch that made me lock him outside. This isnt just about him getting jealous over the guy I had conversation with while i'm in line paying for our groceries.

This isnt just like those petty fights we had because unlike those, this time he will not come back even if I beg the stars and moon. We both messed up big time. We both know how messed up we are and somehow make our relationship work. We fixed each other but being in a relationship for 4 years got into us. Fights are inevitable but sometimes even love can't fix what fights ruined. We love each other so much that we needed time. We both hurt each other but leaving me when I needed him the most hurts me a thousand more.

But I still love him like I have never loved before. I smelled his hoodie, once again. Damn him, I love him even though he hurt me.

My phone rings.

I wiped my tears and slowly sat up picking up my phone from my bedside table where a picture of us is displayed. I felt another pain and I can feel my eyes watering again. Damn, why must I be this vulnerable?

A faint, "Hello." is all I can give to whoever the caller is.

"Seungkwan! Finally, you picked up! Vernon... is drunk and he wouldn't want to leave this bar! He is looking for you and he is causing trouble! This guy is a mess!" a panicking voice said.

Just a mention of his name makes my hearbeat fast. I closed my eyes, "Where are you?"

And just like that, just a mention of his name... I'm ready to leave this place where our memories linger in every corner. I'm ready to risk myelf. Once I leave this house there's no guarantee of coming home with him in my arms. I know even though I love those memories we shared... I love the boy I shared it with the most. He left me but i'm a fool for him. I'm just scared that once I left this house... I will go home alone because his longingness, his calling for my name is just the alcohol speaking.

The moment I stepped out the doorway, I felt the cold wind brushed my skin under my coat that is not thick enough for this winter night. Grabbing the first coat I saw hanging behind the door was caused by the panic inside my being. Seeing him after weeks of ignoring each other caused my brain to lose focus and get distracted.

All my brain can think of was how he walked through the cafe's door that Wednesday evening upto my seat with his grin on his lips and sparks in his eyes during our first date. I remember he wore a blue sweater during our second date and brought me to an amusement park because he believed that is a place where we will feel content and be kids once again.

My mind went back to memory lane. The memory of our hands first touching feels like it happened yesterday. It happened during spring, we were on a bus ride going to a friend's house to celebrate his birthday and sitting next to each other made our pinky finger touched and soon enough our fingers are intertwined as if it is meant to be. Neither of us glanced at each other when it happened but both of us smiled, until walking down the street we didn't let go.

It's like the missing piece of our puzzled life has finally been found and we don't want to let go, scared that if we did all the found pieces will start disappearing once again. Our hands locked together made me feel like, that spring afternoon, every flowers bloomed and the birds chirping. The wind blows away our worries and that afternoon everything felt perfect between you and I.

The car ride was a hell of a ride. My mind is spinning. Our memories is like fireworks at a new year's eve exploding in my head. It gave me excitement and worry. It scares me yet fulfills me. Just like loving him-- a dangerous thing yet I still do.

I arrived at Wonwoo's place where the boys are at out having fun. Vernon is in there and from the outside I can hear them shouting at him. My heart is breaking just by the sound of his voice. Hearing his voice makes me remember all the said 'I love you', 'I miss you' and 'Take care'. It was the most angelic voice I have ever heard and not hearing his voice for weeks--- my heart is breaking like a fragile glass.

"Dude! Stop drinking already!"

"Sober up, Vernon! Seungkwan is on his way now!"

"You don't want him to see you that vulnerable!"

I close my eyes as I open the door to go in when I hear no one is talking anymore but I heard him speak... And his words melt all my anger and I just want to hug him to feel home.

"Vulnerable? Why wouldn't I let him see that I am when I really am? I was a jerk for taking him for granted. I missed out so many dates, forgets our anniversary and his birthday! I stood him up when we should be out with his parents! I let him wait out in the dark for me when he left his keys and I am not home! I was a jerk for telling him I hate his voice when he sung to me when his voice is like heaven singing! I hate myself for telling him to stop talking when his stories keep me sane! I hate myself for telling him I hate everything about him when the truth is I love it so much! I hate myself for being a jerk and letting the only person who accepts me cry for weeks..."

My tears continue to flow as if my eyes are the gray sky and pouring rain drops. Hearing his voice breaks, breaks my shattered heart. It's like his voice is the thread that connects us but as I see it breaks I feel my heart breaks as well. It's like the one thing that connects us is breaking but still holding on.

"I was there, okay... For 3 weeks, I visited him when he is asleep. I know that all he eats was ramen. I know that all the things I left undone are still there as if waiting for me to come pick it up. I know that he is scared to leave the apartment because I might come back but find no one. I know it all... I know how miserable I made him feel. But I love him... I still do and I have no intention of stopping..."

His next words made my knees wobble... It made me want to run for him and hug him. It made me want to jump on him. It made me cry with him. It made me want to go back home in his arms.

So I did.

I finally opened the door.

And there I found my home on the ground crying. "Vernon..."

"Seung... Seungkwan?" His voice breaks.

I'm crying as I run to him. "Love.. I missed you."

He accepts me in his arms and hugged ne so tight. We are both scared of letting go. "I'm sorry, love.. I'm really sorry."

I pushed him slightly to see his face... The face I missed the most.

My home.

"It's okay, love... It's okay"

--

Listen, I don't know what the hell is this but.... I hope you liked it. I dont proofread.