Blood, Sweat and Tears
by PuppyLoveWH (nee AshesLKim)

 

 

‘Intuitive’.

A word Jungkook has heard more times than he’d care to count. And always directed at him. “You’re so intuitive, Jungkook; it’s like you can read my mind.” Oh how Jungkook hates those words.

Now, Jungkook can't actually read anyone's mind, but for all intents and purposes he might as well have been able to. He sometimes thinks it might have been easier for him if he could.

He often times wonders what the thoughts of other people would look like. Would it be a collection of clips rapidly passing in front of his eyes? Would it be strange voices in his head speaking about things he had never heard of before? Or prehaps a collection of still-frames, moments frozen in time with accompanying commentary? What about languages? Would he be able to understand the thoughts? Do people even think in languages? Maybe it's a combination of all the senses? Would he even know which thoughts were his? Would he be able to differentiate if he'd spent his whole life exposed to them? Would he just think it was normal, that everyone experienced it? How would he have known he was different in the first place? Jungkook can sit and ponder that for hours if he lets himself.

Jungkook's ability is not some special power caused by a spell or chemical combination of some sort. He didn't fall into some vat containing radioactive material of questionable origins and purposes, and suddenly develop a super power. Afraid not. The origins of Jungkook's ability are unknown and most likely; unexciting.

The closest theory that would have any chance of being accurate would probably be that it's the result of a mutation. But a boring mutation. One he couldn't even see. Jungkook can't say for certain, but the theory that makes the most sense to him is a simple one. His senses are abnormally keener than the rest of the human population. There is no cause or reason for the existence of his ability to read people like a book - literally, that Jungkook can think of, and he thinks that just like some people are born with an extra toe or skin they can hang spoons off of, he has been born with this evolved and rather specific intellectual skill set.

Obviously, this gift is not something that he has felt confident or comfortable with sharing with anyone, and so he has gone through his life keeping this secret closely guarded. At first he'd been too young to know any different, and then he'd been too afraid of being ridiculed and ostracised.

He did often wonder how people would react if they knew though. Would the awe and amazement at his "intuition" be replaced with pity instead? Jungkook thinks he’d hate that even more. At least the current emotions he felt didn’t depress him.

Or what about the fear when they inevitably realised that they had no secrets from Jungkook? There could be no secrets from Jungkook. Ever. He may not know what the secrets were, but he would always know they were there, would always be able to feel the guilt, anxiety, restless uncertainty and sometimes regret that came with them; and what good is a secret when its existence isn't a secret? He didn't think too many people would be happy about that. There's a reason they're secrets after all.

The first time he'd noticed he wasn't like everyone else had been in his first year of "big school" - at age 7, when he had been the only person crying at the untimely passing of a pet hamster other than said hamster's owner. He hadn't understood why no one else was as sad about it, and his teacher had eventually taken him aside and explained something about life expectancies and animals that had honestly gone right over his head. 

The first time Jungkook had known he was different was 3 years later; when a friend's grandfather had passed away and Jungkook had felt like his own heart was being ripped apart. Attending the funeral had been the worst experience in Jungkook's life. He had struggled to breathe, mouth dry and heart squeezing painfully in his chest throughout the entire service. The sheer magnitude of the emotions pouring into him proving to be excessively heavy a burden for a child to bear. It was still an excessively heavy burden for him to bear even today. Jungkook had been unable to hold back his tears and had spent almost the entire day looking at at the world in a blur. Honestly, looking back now, he was proud of himself that he had held out for as long as he had - especially given his young age. 

He’s not sure where his ability came from, or why he even developed this trait in the first place, but it’s something he has found he is unable to avoid or ignore - even despite his best efforts. Jungkook has been able to do this for as long as he can remember; feeling other people’s emotions. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s just super empathetic, or if it is a twisted kind of super power, but he knows that he hates it. He’s ended up practically a recluse because of it. 

Everything he experienced with other people was in a double dose to what the people around him experienced. At least Jungkook imagined it was because even all these years later the emotions still overpower his self-control.

First girlfriend? Double the heartache when they’d broke up. Fight with a friend? Twice the rage to learn not to act on.

It had been even worse when he’d announced his plans to become an idol and had had to sit through the emotions cascading through both his parents. Yes, they’d encouraged him - eventually, but Jungkook could feel their fear, their worry, and their disappointment over his choosing such a difficult life to live -one where they had little say or control and the help they could offer him was even less significant- even as they’d smiled at him and eventually set him on his way.. 

Strangers were also not exempt from this gift of his, and Jungkook truly hated it. He hated that part of it the most. Even though there was nothing he could do about it, Jungkook still felt like he was intruding onto the most personal part of their lives. A part he had absolutely no right to have any sort of access to. 

He doesn’t want this. He never did, never would have asked for it had he been given the choice either. He doesn’t want to be able to do this, and he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with this…ability. What was the point of this “gift”? He wished there was a way he could shut it all out because Jungkook is a soft person, and he inevitably starts to care. And that only ends up making everything complicated and messy and Jungkook doesn't do either one of those.

Or maybe the real reason he experienced other people's emotions was because he  was simply unable to produce any emotions himself at all, and taking the emotions of the people around him into himself was his body's way of compensating for it.

Jungkook didn't know, he would probably never know.

Still, a life-time of stealing other people's emotions hasn’t stopped Jungkook from growing up a happy child. It’s not all bad, after all. Double the laughter, double the joy, and double the excitement. Jungkook guesses there has to be something to make up for the rest of it - something to offer a pathetic attempt at balance, which he'd once read somewhere that life was supposed to pretty much revolve around. "Give and Take" the book had called it.

It’s too much though - too heavy a burden to bear, and he’s too young. How he wishes he could ignore the emotions around him. How he longs to just switch it off.

He's tried. Oh, how he's tried. He's tried everything he could think of; from blocking out the world with too-loud music blasting through earphones to ending up spending a couple of days in hospital from a self-induced concussion (a not-very-thoroughly-thought-out attempt at literally knocking the ability out of himself). Nothing worked, and the emotions were always there, just waiting from him to pick up on them and so Jungkook had resigned himself to the fact that this would be how he would be spending the rest of his life - pretending that he couldn't see, pretending that he didn't know.

It didn’t just stop there, though. Of course not. That would be too easy. Jungkook notices things too. Personal things. Private things. Things that are repressed so quickly he is certain the person experiencing them isn’t even aware of them. Things he’d really rather not notice at all; things like the sharp intake of breath Hoseok does whenever Taehyung stands too close, or the heart-breaking longing that flickers in Taehyung’s eyes whenever Hoseok moves away. Things like the soft smile Namjoon directs at Seokjin when the oldest does something thoughtful for him, and the barely-there tremor in Seokjin's hands when Namjoon accidentally brushes his fingers. Things like the desperation to be perfect that Jimin hides behind a smile, and the almost suffocating disappointment whenever Jungkook refuses one of his advances. Things like the careful gaze that Yoongi passes over the members that hides feelings much too heavy for Jungkook to comprehend, and the knowing glint in his eyes when Jungkook lives through the disappointment Jimin is hiding. 

The truly worst part of it however is how he can't help feeling like ALL the emotions he experiences are not truly his. Jungkook honestly wonders in the silence and seclusion of the dark of night -and more often than he'd like to admit- if he has ever felt a single emotion in his entire life that was truly his, and his alone. He has never been on his own, and he sometimes wonders what that would feel like. Would he be peaceful, calm? Would he feel empty? Or maybe he'd panic at suddenly not being able to feel anything when he'd spent his entire life feeling too much. 

Jungkook spent a lot of time thinking about a lot of things he could never share with anyone, including wondering how that thought would have made him feel.

 

 

Author's note: Just a drabble: playing around with an idea I've had for a while.