Finally, it was time. Taehyung had really looked forward to this stage, to their comeback and to the amazing adrenaline rush performing always gave him. They were standing at the foot of the stage, ready to get up and be.

Be in the music and be in the dance.

It had been quite a while, since their last comeback and the new song was really a hit. It was emotional and almost magical, with the booming bas and the smooth, electric noise. Taehyung himself was awestruck when he heard the song at first, and hoped the fans would like it as well. Fire had been a hit, but this one held more passion, and he was sure that they would be amazing.

Or that was at least what he tried to believe.

Honestly, after the episode during practice, he had been nervous about the comeback. He had panicked that time because he messed up, so what if the anxiety suddenly came creeping up on him, while performing? There was nothing he could do in that situation. He couldn’t go get at hug from Seokjin and he couldn’t curl together on the cold stage floor, and forget the world outside. He could not panic in front of the fans, most of all.  What wouldn’t they think? It was just a no-go. He had to do well. I can do it, He thought to himself, trying to relax. I did well at practice, right? Otherwise Hoseok-hyung wouldn’t have told me so. I just have to focus on the music, let it control my body and mind. I can do that.

I can do it!

Okay.

During his metal pep talk, he didn’t notice the worried looks Yoongi and Seokjin send him. For anyone else, it would be impossible to see though the façade, Taehyung build up around himself, but after many late nights with nightmares, or dinners with a panicky Taehyung, being afraid of gaining weight, the oldest members had learned to see through the smiles, the younger boy always wore. Taehyung would always look happy and smile, even if his soul was crying, just because he didn’t want do worry his friends. Unfortunately, it just made them more worried.

When one holds too much in, it explodes at some point, and that was, by no means, a good coping method. When the two oldest members now saw Taehyung joking around with Hoseok and Jungkook, they couldn’t help but wonder if he truly was on the blink of exploding at this moment. Seokjin couldn’t hold himself back. ”Tae-ah, how are you?”. “Ah, I’m fine hyung!” the boy replied, along with a big smile. Of course, he looked just fine, smiling and laughing, but the tense muscles in his shoulders and shaky eyes gave his true feelings away.

He was not fine.

Taehyung was a person who worried a lot. And thought a lot as well. He would be the first one to notice then Hoseok’s smile fell, when reading negative comments, and he would also be the first one to make ugly faces in the mirror, trying to make the olders’s smile appear up again. When Yoongi was slaving in the studio, he would be there with coffee and bad jokes. When Jimin was unsure of himself and his role in the group, Taehyung would make him sit down and talk it out. When Jung kook was mad for being treated as a kid? Taehyung would call him “Hyung-nim” and tell the maknae why they did so, in an adult manner, so no hard feelings would taint their teamwork. Namjoon knew that the second youngest always would be there to support him, when he felt too small to carry the leader role, cheering him up with trusting words and bad, but sweet, quotes form the web. Taehyung really wanted to make sure everyone felt loved and safe, trying to push himself and his needs aside. Seokjin was the only one who didn’t let Taehyung take his burdens away. It bothered Taehyung a bit, but at the same time, it made him feel loved, cared for. Because it meant Seokjin really understood him.

The only one, out of all his beloved members, who really saw his dark side, was Seokjin. Not because he wanted to show him, god no, but because Seokjin was the one, who always was there, when Taehyung needed it. Seokjin was always calm and steady, no matter how many of his dark secrets Taehyung whispered to him, in the darkness of the night, where the youngers demons played with his mind. When his night terrors mess up his breath, Jin-hyung was there with a strong and regular one to follow. Seokjin saved Taehyung from his inner darkness.

As they were called on stage, before any action could be taken, there was no time for Taehyung to prepare himself anymore. He took a deep breath, like Seokjin had told him to do, and walked up the metal stairs, slightly clammy hands grabbing the handrail for support. Just focus on the moves, and you will be alright. You remember the moves, right? Come on, we went thought them all night yesterday! First forward, then left, hands up, down, and – What was after that? Taehyung could suddenly feel the well-known panic settle in the pit of his stomach. Hurriedly, he found his spot on stage and made himself ready, trying his best to block out the other members and the fans’ screaming. If it didn’t go well... Let’s not think about that! No need to jinx it.

He shook his body once, to get rid of the kinks and wondered why he couldn’t fall into the usual on-screen persona. As soon the music began, he tried to fall into the usual pace, trying to flow with the music. Forward, left, hands up, down, over mouth, in again. Taehyung was for once extremely thankful for their endless practices, because even when his head couldn’t follow, his body knew how it was supposed to be done.

It actually went well through the two first courses and two verses. He sang his parts, without messing up, and danced along with the rhythm. Yoongi sent him a concerned gaze while changing spots, but the boy let it go, and kept his head in the song. It was a good way to forget the pressure of performing well, to just let oneself get completely into the melody and lyrics. It went so well he almost forgot about the devil in his stomach, the little timed monster who could pollute his mind in seconds.

Da-dang, left, jump. Okay, now forward, make sure not to step on Hobi-hyung, and look up. “Nareul budeuropgae jugyeojwo” He sang, looking right into the camera, all going as planned. A hand suddenly made its way onto Taehyung throat, and it opened the floodgates to the terrifying memories of not being able to breath. Always going in, in, in, but not coming out again, making him choke on fear and sobs.

I can’t do this.

Instantly, the panic flushed through his body, setting every nerve on fire and heightening every sound. In a matter of seconds, his calm mind was exploding with sound, light and screaming. Why were they screaming? Chest tightening, he kept on dancing, holding onto the last silver of sane thoughts, trying not to break down in front of the fans. I don’t like this! Can’t do it! Get away! His mind practically screamed at him, as the last tones of the song died out, disappearing into the roars. Taehyung didn’t even give the other members a moment to think before he stormed of stage, faster than the light.

His vision was darkening at the edges, as he dashed down white hallways, filled with staff, his lungs beginning to feel stuffy. He had tried to find a place where he could be alone, but he couldn’t remember how to get back to their restroom, so now he was just restlessly running though the sickening white hallways. The fact that he was lost just made his breathing even worse, and mind more animalistic. From time to time he dashed into someone but he barely noticed it before his body began running again, lost in his own mind. None of the people yelling his name got any replies, their words not getting through his panic.

Why are there so many? What do they want? Why are they looking at me?! I can’t do this! Somebody, save me…

Being lost in his mind, he didn’t notice the person in front of him before he slammed right into the hard surface of the other’s chest. Falling to the floor, Taehyung completely lost himself, and began crying hysterically, not taking any notice of the stranger who he bumped into. Where is Jin? I need him!

“Jin!” He cried out, without even noticing it, completely gone in the darkness of his mind. He flinched when unknown, thin arms embraced his body, keeping him from running away like before. Taehyung instantly trashed around like a hurt animal, crying and screaming. He had no longer control over his body and could only flow along with his instincts. The stranger hugged the crying boy’s head into his chest, and made sure the boy could hear his heartbeat. Quickly, he dragged Taehyung in though a doorway and pulled the wrecked boy’s body to the floor.

Slowly, he began shushing Taehyung, rocking from side to side while hugging the boy. “Calm down. Shhh, just calm down. I won’t hurt you. Calm down, okay? We will find your Jin” The thin boy’s soft voice tried to break through to the boys troubled mind, but it didn’t work all that well. Taehyung was breathing way to quickly, thus the stranger just kept hugging him, trying to make some sort of contact, hoping it wouldn’t get worse. After many hurried breaths and “Don’t worry”s, Taehyung went from scream and trashing to just crying, completely broken. The stranger’s only reaction was to hold onto the boy tighter, hugging Taehyungs head into his own neck. Taehyung could feel the boy move a bit, but didn’t react in any way.

“Seungjun, find Seokjin! Hurry!” the boy yelled at someone and Taehyung could feel himself jump at the sudden noise, sobbing even harder. As soon the boy could feel the boy’s tears through his thick sweater, he knew he had to do this another way. While rocking the boy in his arms, he began talking to Taehyung like they weren’t sitting on the cold floor, one of the obviously lost. “Hey, you’re Taehyung, right? My name is Jihun, but all my members call me Kimchi. Do you know me?”

Taehyung could hear the boy’s question, but the sobbing made it impossible for him to answer. How could the boy, Jihun, even talk about things like that at this time? “I think you know one or two of us. Seungjun and Inseong used to train under BigHit. Seungjun and Seokjin are really good friends, did you know that?” Taehyung shook his head, still confused by how calm the other male was. “I didn’t know ether! But apparently, they are. Seungjun is out looking for Seokjin right now. It was him you wanted, right?” Jihun asked in a soft voice, tender and calm.

It was odd, the way Jihun was taking the situation, like he didn’t have a crying boy in his arms, but the absurdity made Taehyung forget some of his fear. He wasn’t sure if he could trust the boy, but didn’t he say Jin-hyung was on the way? Slowly, the worst, body wreaking sobs disappeared and his head cleared a bit, thinking about the safe heaven, Seokjin provided him. Just the thought of him, or his voice could do wonders in Taehyung anxious being. “Wh-weh-where’s … J-Jinne?” He whispered, softly and obviously tired. Jihun laughed softly, looking up from Taehyung’s neck. “He’s right here” He whispered and let go of Taehyung’s, now deflated, body.

In a flash, Taehyung was once again supported by someone, held and hugged, but this time, it was someone his body and mind recognized immediately. The strong chest, the warm embrace, the steady heartbeat, he knew them. Still crying, Taehyung lifted his head and looked right into Seokjin’s face, pulled together in worry. When Seokjin saw Taehyung tearstained cheeks, he instantly wiped the wet skin with his warm and caring hands. Taehyung, even in his broken mind, knew that those hands meant home and he leaned into them. The tender move made more tears spill out of Taehyung’s eyes.

Seokjin himself was quite out of it, suddenly being pulled away by a frantic Seungjun who kept on saying “He’s down here! Hurry!”. Right after Tae stormed of stage, the members began a panicky search for their lost member without luck and he had to let a few tears go as well, now with Taehyung in his arms. He felt so bad for not doing anything, even when he noticed Taehyung freaking out in the middle of their performance. He wanted to gather the boy in his arms and just save him from the world, letting him get some peace. Taehyung loved being on stage, Seokjin knew so, but it took a toll on his mental state, with all the stress of having to look happy all the time

So, the best he could do, was to hold him and tell him everything was alright.

“Hey, Tae” he whispered softly to the boy, now facing him. Taehyung was still quite shaken, but the presence of Seokjin had a magical effect on his tired body. Seokjin leaned in and softly kissed Taehyung’s forehead, then his cheeks and at last a small peak on his mouth. “Hey, how are you?” Jin asked, bumping his forehead against Taehyung’s, looking him into the eye. “I’m … Tired…” Taehyung mumbled weakly and slumped into Seokjin’s shoulder, head first and eyes closed. He was completely wrecked, tired and wet from his own tears. ”Oh, baby” Jin whispered to the boy and settled Taehyung’s lax body better on his lap. Taehyung could feel that the crying was not completely over yet, and surely, soon tears was flowing from his eyes again.

Seokjin had helped his beloved Tae for long enough to know when the boy had something to confess, and now was one of those moments. Looking over Taehyung shoulder, Seokjin send a thankful look to the group of half confused, half concerned boys. “I’m sorry to ask you to leave your own room, but can you give us a moment?” he asked the boys in a low voice and Seungjun was quick to lead the members out, with a hesitant “Take your time”, before he closed the door. Seokjin let his eyes fall back to the broken boy and hugged him close. “No one is here now. You can let it out, Tae-ah”.

And oh, he did.

For a while, Taehyung just laid, with his head on Seokjin’s shoulder and legs across the other’s lap, crying. Not sobbing like before, but silently crying, with rivers flowing down his cheeks, neck and ending on Seokjin’s white shirt. Seokjin knew that he wasn’t the one to begin the awaiting conversation, so he gave Taehyung his time and hugged the boy close to his own body, to make sure the boy knew he was there to listen. It had been a while since he had seen Taehyung so devastated, and he had hoped it wouldn’t happen. Taehyung seemed so happy and cheerful, but in the back of his mind, he had known it was coming. He had just hoped that it wouldn’t happen. He had hoped that his caring words and loving kisses would keep the bomb in the youngers mind from detonating, but he should had known that pushing the problems away, wouldn’t make them go away.

“I don’t even know what happened…” Taehyung started, voice thin and fragile, but it didn’t bother either of them. Seokjin shifted a bit, so the younger was sitting on his lap, facing Seokjin with legs bend underneath himself, and Seokjin’s back resting against the wall. Taehyung didn’t seem to be bothered by the change, he just kept his eyes on the white wall behind Seokjin, and continued, trying to voice his feelings. “I’m… I’m not like this normally. I love to perform, you know that”, Seokjin nodded as the boy went on. “But I was afraid of messing up. I think I was. I don’t know, really. It all went so fast” Taehyung whispered out, tears spilling again, and he could feel himself break down once again. Not in the panicky, I’m-going-to-die way, but the tired kind of broken. There was no panic left, no out-of-control feeling, only something akin to numbness.  He was going to let everything out, simply too tired to hold back.

”It sounds weird, doesn’t it? I just… I don’t know what to say, when you ask how I’m feeling, I have no idea of how I’m feeling. I don’t know if I’m truly happy when I smile, or I’m just acting. I can’t tell the difference anymore”. The words spilled from his mouth like a waterfall. ”I know that it’s not good, and that I have to do something about it. Talk about it. But I don’t want to bother you with my problems ether. You have your own, and it would only be selfish to make you take care of mine as well” Taehyung said and he really meant it. How could he make someone else bear the burden of his problems when everyone has problems carrying their own ones?

“My problems won’t solve them self, you have said so as well. But it’s easier to just... run away? Pretend there isn’t any problems. That I’m not scared. That I’m not sure if I’m good enough for the group. That I’m not worth all this.” Taehyung was completely sunken into himself, speaking honestly and straight from his heart. He looked at Seokjin with dark, and empty eyes, trying to converse his feeling without words. “That I’m not worthy of you” he mummed, shyly looking into Seokjin’s eyes for any sign of reaction. It was somewhat nice to just say whatever came to his mind, but the sad, and maybe a bit mad look in the elder’s eyes made Taehyung a bit startled. Pulling Taehyung body against his own, Seokjin kept their faces close and Taehyung looked at the older one, clearly surprised. Seokjin was never the one to be bossy or push anyone around, so his behavior was no expected. He cupped the youngers face and looked dead into his eye.

“Taehyung, you… You don’t notice it, do you?” Seokjin began, almost exhaling the last words. Taehyung’s blank face finally broke, and showed confusion. What was Jin-hyung talking about? Didn’t know what? “What are you talking about?” the younger voiced, still unsure of how to react to the older’s words. “Kim Taehyung, now you have to listen to me, okay? No interrupting or disagreeing, just listen to me. Okay, baby?” Seokjin said with his calm voice and Taehyung had no other choice than to listen to what the other had to say, so he just nodded.

“You are amazing, Tae-ah. I know you don’t think so yourself, but just me, you are. You are always ready to help anyone, even if it’s not someone you know. Do you remember the trainee who was crying outside our practice room the other day? He was crying because he was on the blink of being kicked out of the company. We all felt bad for him, but no one dared to comfort him, because we didn’t know what to do. But then you stepped forward and comforted him.”

Taehyung did remember the boy. He had trained for years, but was insecure and made him unnoticeable on stage. Poor boy just needed to get some acknowledgment. “You just sat beside him and began to converse with him. When he walked away, he looked like a new person, like you had removed a world of worry from his shoulders. You never do anything half-assed. You do the best you, and that alone is impressive. You fight your demons every day, cry in secret and still do everything you can to help everyone.” Seokjin’s eyes began to tear up a bit while speaking, deeply immersed in his feelings. “You need to take care of yourself, baby. We are here to help you, you just need to reach out for a hand, because we can’t make you. Accept our help You need to do it yourself.”

Now, tears were spilling out of Taehyung’s eyes as well. “If you feel sad, then cry. If you’re angry, scream. If you’re tired the tell us, and we will help you find time to relax. Just like you always help us, you need to let us help you. We care about you, but you need to let us see your ugly sides as well, otherwise you will kill your soul, Tae.” Now Seokjin felt as if he was almost begging the younger to be anything else than happy. Not because he didn’t want to let the other be happy, but because the happiness the younger was showing most of the time, was an act. “If you want to understand yourself, the you have to stop running away, dear”.

Taehyung broke out in a loud cry at the older’s words, a cry that hurt Seokjin’s heart, because it held so much pain and agony. “I know!” he cried, tears once again streaming down his cheeks, wetting Seokjin’s hands which was still holding the youngers face. “But I can’t do it! I’m not strong enough, so the only thing I can do to survive, is to hide it away. Yes, it explodes into panic, but I have to do it this way –“

“No!” Seokjin interrupted, anger flaring up. He needed to get his point across to the younger, and it had to be now, when he was finally opening up for real. “You are not going to face your problems. We are going to face them. Together, all of us. Baby, we want to help you! You’re not a bother to any of us, we love you no matter if your raging mad or all sunshine-happy. You are worth everything you have, and everything you will get”.

Taehyung didn’t know how to take all this. It was a new, and completely opposite of how he had seen himself. Was Jin-hyung only saying to make me feel better? Can I really trust the words? Will I allow myself to trust Jin-hyung’s words?

“Tae, I love you. And you are worth every single bit of my love”.

A sweet kiss was placed onto Taehyung’s lips, and it took no less than a few moments for the younger one to concede. He kissed back and they let themselves forget the room, the tears, the world, for a little while. They were in their own world, where words didn’t need to be said to converse what they wanted so express. Taehyung pulled back after a while and looked at Seokjin, mesmerized by his features and his entire being. He could not imagine a more supporting and trustworthy boyfriend. Taehyung let out a little laugh, his eyes creasing into a half-moon form, and mouth transforming into his signature, rectangular smile. But it was different from the one he threw on for the camera. This one was a genuine happy smile.  

I will trust you, Hyung. “I love you, Hyung”. Help me. “I’ll cry when I’m sad. I’ll scream when I’m mad. I’ll complain when I’m feeling used. But then you have to promise me something, Hyung”

“Anything, baby, anything” Seokjin assured him, kissing the youngers forehead. He was once again amazed by how strong his boyfriend was, being able to trust Seokjin, even if his mind told him otherwise.

“You have to be there. You have to dry my tears when I cry. You have to help me cool of when I’m mad. You have to help me solve my problems. You have to be there. Can you promise that?”

A smile formed on Seokjin’s face, tugging at his lips and making him let out a small, adoring laugh. Could the younger get any more adorable? He lifted his right hand and stuck out his pinky. “I, Kim Seokjin, swear to dry your tears, cool you down and help you when thing get tough. In return you will cry, scream and complain. Agree?” He playfully said, looking at Taehyung’s amused face.

Taehyung wrapped his own pinky around his hyung’s and smiled, tears finally gone, leaving his eyes shiny and clear. For one he truly felt at peace, and he could only blame Seokjin for that. “I, Kim Taehyung, agree. I will mess up and you will clean up” He teased, feeling almost high on whatever he felt. The crying had cleared his mind and he know understood why Seokjin had wanted him to let it out. When he held it in, he could never really feel the true happiness, because the need to cry was there at the same time. Now, he could freely smile and laugh, without the restrain called sadness.

Seokjin just smiled at the younger’s words and rubbed Taehyung’s nose with his own, making the younger laugh once again, and blush a little, when Seokjin leant in for a kiss. “How are you feeling? Truly” the older asked, and Taehyung thought carefully about it, feeling more sure in himself all of sudden. “I’m happy. And tired” He replied, yawning a bit, and carefully stretching his arms above his head.  Seokjin let go of the younger to get up himself and reaching out for the others hand.

Taehyung looked at it for a moment before grabbing it tightly and getting up with help from the older. He had promised to take the helping hands they offered him, and he was going to do so. “Maybe we should get back to our own restroom and let the boys back in, huh?” Seokjin asked, holding onto the youngers hand and carefully smiling at the boy, to be sure that he wasn’t going to break down the moment their little bubble was interrupted by other people. Taehyung had totally forgotten about the boys outside of the room, and hurriedly agreed.

They walked over to the door and opened it peeking out to see the boys gathered in a circle on the floor. They looked up the moment they heard the door open and jumped onto their legs as fast as they could, making the two in the doorframe laugh. The tallest of the boys stepped forward, with a smaller blond boy behind him and the approached the two with worried faces. “Are everything okay now?” The tall boy carefully asked, and Seokjin let go of Taehyung hand, to bring it around his waist and side hug him.

 “Yeah, I think he’s alright now. Thank you for letting us stay in your room for so long, it must have been uncomfortable sitting on the floor” Seokjin said and looked at the blonde boy who looked worried at Taehyung, like he wasn’t sure the boy was completely fine. “Hey, Jihun, don’t worry. Taehyung got a lot of things of his heart, right?” Assured the blond and Taehyung recognized the name of the boy, who had helped him. He was truly grateful for the boy’s willingness to comfort a crying stranger, and smiled at the boy, once more a sincere smile. “Thank you for helping me. I’m sorry if I messed up your stage clothing or something” Taehyung, a bit shyly, said and the blonde just gave him a big smile, as an assurance. “Nothing got messed up, so you don’t need to be sorry. I know how panic attacks can be, so I hold absolutely nothing against you” Jihun said in a calm voice, not seeming too disturbed by the earlier occurrence, and truly happy that Taehyung was alright.

 Seokjin smiled at the small conversation before he remembered that they had to get back to the other members. It had been almost an houer since Taehyung ran of stage, and the others were probably worried. “I think we have to get back, but let’s talk another time” Seokjin explained and with the typical, polite greeting, the left the five boys and began the walk back to their own room and own worried members.

Taehyung grabbed the other’s hand as soon as they left the boys behind and grabbed it tightly. “Hyung” He began and Seokjin looked at him with his warm, brown eyes and small smile. “Mhh?” Seokjin hummed and swiped the hair on the youngers forehead away, ignoring the staff running by them. Taehyung’s eyes were filled with love, warmth, and most of all, trust. “Don’t let my hand go” Taehyung whispered tenderly, “ever”. Seokjin’s heart fluttered a bit at the youngers words and smiled. Slowly, he leaned in and kissed the younger on the lips, soft, filled with love and promises.

“I won’t, ever. I promise you”