Our first meeting remains as vivid as ever in my memory.

I sat on my bed looking out the window just I did three years ago when he had just moved into the house next door

He grabbed my attention the first minute without trying. His rude stance, cold piercing eyes, the way he ignored passers-by that managed to mutter a word of greeting.

It was late January, in the middle of winter.

I watched them; a father and son as they scrambled to get their things in the small town-house right next to ours.

Though itching to join, I watched from my room, captivated by him.

'Jeon Jungkook!!'

My mom's voice rang out from the kitchen.

'Take these rice cakes and hot chocolate to our new neighbors, will you?'

I grabbed the basket and flask from my mom and hurried out of the house. I was excited and nervous for no apparent reason, this was a boy that just moved in why was I so excited?

When I got there, he was sitting on the sofa while his dad carried their luggage into the house. Greeted by his cold stare, I found my way awkwardly through all the boxes in the living room to the kitchen. He looked the same age as me but why was I so scared of him and dangerously attracted to him?

I had walked past him without saying hello, it would be too awkward to walk back and say hello so I just waited in the Kitchen for his dad.

Soon I heard footsteps and quickly straightened my posture ready to say hi to his dad. To my disappointment or secret excitement, it was him. He walked slowly to the box in the corner, not acknowledging my presence, he opened it and brought out a small mug. He looked at me briefly before going to the sink and filling the mug with water.

To my surprise, he didn't ask who I was, what I wanted or why I was standing there, he just strutted past me on his way to the living room.

'Hi'

my voice projected shakily.

He stopped, removed his hoodie, revealing his full face for the first time. His dark eyes were accentuated with slightly brown, thick eyebrows, his high nose bridge, his tense jaw and high cheek bones gave the impression of a stern parent rather than that of a high school student that he was.

He gave a slight nod and walked out of the kitchen.

Strangely, my heart did a leap but I convinced myself that I was crazy.  I let out a big sigh and set the hot chocolate flask and rice cakes on the counter and turned to leave but then an older man approached me with a box in his hands....must be his dad, I told myself. In a split second, I leaped forward and took the box from him. His eyes and lips melted into a sad smile. He looked like he was middle aged but the deep wrinkles around his eyes, lips and temple could convince one that he was in his late sixties.

'I'm Kim Tae Pyung' he stretched out his arm for a handshake when I dropped the box. I bowed and we shook hands

'Jeon Jungkook, I live next door' I said

'call me Mr Kim or just simply Ajhussi' he said still smiling.

'Neh, My mom said to bring you these rice cakes and hot chocolate' I  pointed at my little food set up on the counter.

'Thank you so much, I will drop by in the evening if you don't mind after we've decongested the area' he looked around at the pile of unopened boxes.

'no worries, Ajhussi'

'I assume you met my son Kim Tae Hyung'

I nodded. He moved closer. 'He's quite a loner' he whispered and I smiled.

'I will take my leave now Ajhussi'

'sure, jungkook-ah, say hi to your parents'

'Thank you sir'

I dashed out of the kitchen and out of the building without sneaking a look at the one who had made my heart skip a while earlier. 

 

AFTER that day, our families developed a close bond... or should I say our parents? because we barely spoke. 

I  had way too many questions to ask him but I wouldn't dare. His gaze was so cold, it could make hell freeze over. But I was curious especially about why he never went to school or why he had no friends and why he never spoke to anyone except when he greeted my parents and his dad. I couldn't count how many times I had tried to talk but the most reaction I ever got was a nod...A NOD!!! The only things he did when he came over was either playing  his guitar or staying glued to his phone.

But why was I so attracted to him? It seemed as if the more he pulled away the more I desired to be closer to him. I told myself not to give up and have repeated that to myself for a year now that we've been neighbors. He was still as cold as ever, as rude as ever and I, as determined as ever. 

One evening, I got back from my night class, our parents were out and I thought he wasn't there too until I went to the backyard and saw a frame leaning against the wall. The air was thick with cigarette smell. I moved closer to the tall frame although the yellow light shined on my face and almost took away my vision, I moved closer to the familiar frame. As soon as I confirmed who I saw, I stopped and my eyeballs almost flew out of their sockets at what I saw.

'he...he..smokes?'

As usual, he finished the cigarette in his hand calmly without giving a about my presence and slowly walked back into the house. I followed him. he smokes? why wasn't he afraid that I found out? most importantly, why did he have a suit on? All these questions flooded my brain as I followed him into the house. He reached the living room and sat down leaving me standing before him. He raised his head to look at me, expecting my questions but I remained mute, he sighed and transferred his attention to his phone.

As I opened my mouth to speak, our parents walked in. I said my greetings and walked towards my room, then came the conversation that changed both our lives forever

'Thanks for today' Taehyung's father bowed to my parents, his hand went on his son's back, forcing him to bow to my parents. 

'Sorry for my son's attitude' he said when he stood up straight. My heart melted where I was as I saw his eyes glisten with tears.

'Ever since his mom passed last year, just shortly before we moved here, he had changed into a completely different child. Once again, I'm sorry for the pressure put on you today because of us' he bowed again. At that time, tears were flowing freely from my mom's eyes as she scanned the teenager from his head to his toe possibly wondering how hard it is for a young child to lose his mom suddenly. She reached forward to give him a hug but he pulled back slightly before walking away. He stopped and looked at me briefly before walking out the door. It wasn't his usual arrogant stare, something about his long and empty stare got me confused, was he craving for acceptance, for love, for understanding? I wanted to find out. I was mad at myself for finding out about his mom this way.

I ran after him  I'm here my heart screamed in my chest as I dashed into the darkness but by the time I stepped out I was a moment too late. He had entered into their house, I would have followed if we were close.

 I groaned in frustration before going back into my house.

 

After that day he never came back to my house, when his dad was away, even when his dad visited. I saw him occasionally on the street on my way back from school or while running errands but we never spoke. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I thought of him once in a while and brushed it off, the boy I once fell for was fading in my memories, some nights I would watch him from my window during his nightly round of smokes, other nights I watched my animes. Being in my final year of high school also helped me take my mind off him, I went from home to school to my academy to the library and mostly crashed when I got back home. I had less and less time to think of him, I soon started to forget...but occasionally, I kept getting haunted by the emptiness in his eyes before he ran out of my house that night.

I felt pity for him but as time went by pity turned into helplessness which in turn developed into anger towards him and my damn weak heart.

 

The day he showed up at my doorstep wasn't particularly epic.

Just a few days to my college entrance exam, exhausted from studying, I searched for new animes on my laptop but as I drifted to sleep I heard a knock on my door. 

'Hi Jungkook-ah' 

'Hello Ajhussi' I bowed before letting him in and to my surprise Taehyung popped out from his dad's back. As we weren't used to exchanging greetings we merely shared a brief eye contact.

'I was hoping he could stay here with you while I go out, is that okay?'

'sure' I nodded. I wasn't sure why a grown teenager would need babysitting but I never asked, no one was going to answer anyway.

'Bye Ajhussi' I turned back as soon as he left. I headed to the kitchen to make some ramyun.  I glued my earphones on and hummed along as I cooked.

As soon as the ramyun was done I brought it to the living room, his in a plastic bowl mine in the pot. At first, I sat in the living room to eat but changed my mind. I relocated to the dining room.

I ate in silence, questions flooding my brain. I knew he never came back because I found out about his mom's passing but I still couldn't understand why he would see me on the streets and pass me by like it was nothing. I had tried my best to become acquainted but all I got was cold treatment from him. The more I tried to understand the angrier I got. I ate my noodles hurriedly and got up to drop the pot in the kitchen when I noticed he hadn't touched his. My face heated up. I walked up to the coffee table where his plate was and grabbed it.

'' 

I muttered softly but clearly so he heard me.

He looked up at me and my insides rejoiced "YES...YES!!! I had finally gotten a reaction from him" something I finally got to achieve after a year.

We had a brief stare-down before I left for the kitchen. My hands were shaking as anger and fear stirred inside me. I had finally mustered up the courage to speak my mind to him and now I had to keep up the brave act. My blood ran cold at the thought that he might have followed me to the kitchen. I shuddered but was determined to put in all my effort to end my inner turmoil that day.  'no turning back now'

'what did you call me?'

Chills ran down my spine as his voice cut through my thoughts. He had followed me. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach  'not today' 

I turned around to meet his cold, piercing stare which contradicted his casual leaning on the door post at the kitchen entrance. I scoffed at his nonchalant anger and flung the bowl of noodles I was holding into the sink. 

'you heard me clearly but I can always repeat myself ' I emphasized.

To my surprise, he merely smirked and turned around to leave. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting, my blood only became hotter and my fists, tighter.

'need I say more?!!' I yelled

'you go around acting all high and mighty but you're nothing special. All you do is treat people who care about you rudely, that is why everyone has given up on you. And if you continue on like this, you're gonna end up alone, eat alone, live alone, die alone you miserable..'

His fists stopped me from completing my rant. I wasn't sure if my eyes were closed while I was ranting but I could've sworn I didn't see him approach me. He pinned me to the floor and punched the living daylight out of my face but I wasn't going to be stopped. I caught one of his flailing arms, pinned it under my arm, captured the other challenging his balance and with one of my legs flexed I was able to get up and gain control of his body, without wasting time I flipped him over under me, towering over him. I let out a vengeful grin 

'my turn face!'

I wiped my bloody mouth before raining down punches on his face almost twice the speed of his on my face. Letting out all my frustration, anger and love? I hated the way he made me feel, I hated how much power he had over me, I hated the way he made my knees go weak, the way he made my heart skip a beat and most of all hated the fact that he might never be mine.

The only reason he was recognizable by the time I was done was because he covered his face with his palms but that didn't prevent the bruises on his forehead, cheeks, and lower lip. I got off him and went straight to my room satisfied with my accomplishment.

___________________________________________________________

'Jeon Jungkook!!!'

My mom's voice had me springing out of bed.

'Ne....argh' I yelled in response but was cut short by a sharp pain in my jaw, then I remembered what had happened. I had slept for almost 2 hours.

I ran to the bathroom to get a glimpse of my deformed face but to my surprise, I only had a cut on my right eyebrow and lower lip 

'Jeon Jungkook!!!' my mom's voice drew closer, I hurried out of the bathroom.

I walked slowly into the living room to meet everyone's piercing stares. Ajhussi's head was bowed in front of my parents. My eyes met Taehyung's and I couldn't hide my gasp at the sight of his face. His eyes, lips were swollen, his right ear was bleeding.

'he deserved it' I assured myself.

'what happened here?' my mother turned to me

'he hit me first' I replied and was immediately silenced by my mom's slap on my cheek. I held on to my cheek tightly as I shot her an angry stare but it didn't last long as  I was completely taken aback when Ajhussi started apologizing to me and my parents.

'we are so sorry for causing you this trouble. Our Taehyung isn't really like this please forgive him'

He leaned forwards and took my arm 'jungkook-ah he's your friend, isn't he? he must have done something to upset you, we are very sorry'

My dad stepped forward  'Mr Kim, it okay, boys fight..but jungkook, you should be very careful'

I froze at the scene and the whole conversation, it didn't make sense to me. why was I being blamed all of a sudden? why was that being excluded? I yanked my arm from Ajhussi's and ran to my room slamming the door as loud and hard as I could.

'let's go to the hospital' I heard my mom say, I scoffed

'like I wasn't injured too' 

____________________________________________________

 I tossed and turned in my bed but couldn't find sleep. I just couldn't believe the amount of support that got even from my parents. I laid there hoping to never see him or speak to him again. I was a fool for falling for a douche bag. I shut my eyes tightly, determined to find sleep and forget about the day's incident.

Moments later I heard the door open, my parents were back from the hospital. I covered my whole body with my blanket and laid still pretending to sleep. I didn't want to have any conversation or even say hi, I'd rather get hit again or die.

The footsteps became closer and closer to my room and my eyes shut tighter and tighter hoping they would pass by and not bother me. To my disappointment my door opened slowly, allowing the yellow light from the hallway to creep into my dark room. I cursed under my breath.

'kook-ah'

I cursed silently at the sound of my childhood pet name. My mom has always had different modifications of my name depending on the situation. She was definitely looking to have a conversation or probably an apology? I remained as still as a rock even as she approached my bed.

'Are you sleeping?' she sat at the edge of my bed ignoring my silence.

'Kook-ah' she touched my shoulder then laid beside me.

'Mom is really sorry for what happened earlier on'

'ugh'. 

'Although you were wrong for hitting him'

'okay I went a little overboard, I know'  I replied in my head

'Honey, Taehyung isn't feeling well'

'not feeling well?'

As if she was listening to me she continued.

'have you ever wondered why he doesn't speak much? why he is home schooled, why he's always here when his dad isn't home?'

Those were questions I wanted answers to but never bothered to ask, my ears flew open.

'Just before they moved here last year, Taehyung and his mom were in a car accident together in which of course she passed away and he survived. Ever since then his life has not remained the same. He has blamed himself for her death'

I struggled to maintain my composure and was grateful for the darkness in the room.

'He has struggled with depression and has attempted suicide twice and that's why he cannot be left alone. He also believes that everyone he gets close to are bound to die so he wouldn't get close to anyone after his mom's death, not even his dad. He stopped going to therapy since they moved here instead he comes here to stay when you're around, Ajhussi tells me he's been getting better ever since they got here. If he had done anything to irritate you today, its probably because its his mom's death anniversary and he can't go because he might have a nervous breakdown, honey I think he wants to get close to you but is scared or maybe he doesn't know how to'

My body shook as I sobbed into my pillow

'I'm sorry mom, I'm so sorry' I sobbed

'sweetie, everything isn't always what it seems' she placed her arm on my shoulder.

_________________________________________________________

As the clock struck 8 the next morning I ran next door without even seeing my parents. I probably looked like having cried all night but it didn't matter, I was too sorry to be bothered. I stopped briefly before opening the short wooden gate debating in my head, I was too ashamed to go in or go back home. I looked over and saw Ajhussi picking up the milk delivery he had already seen me and was waiting for me. I walked in slowly.

'Good morning Ajhussi'

'Morning jungkook-ah how are you?'

I wasn't sure how to respond to his question so I just took the milk boxes from him and followed him inside the house meekly.

I looked around to make sure Taehyung wasn't there as I couldn't stand to face him yet.

'Ajhussi, I'm deeply sorry about yesterday' I did a 90-degree bow and remained there.

'it's okay Jungkook, friends fight' 

'I didn't know what was going on with Taehyung and only came into my conclusion about things, I hope you can forgive me' Tears welled up in my eyes

'Jungkook-ah, it's all good. By the way, you're staying for breakfast right?' Ajhussi said as he made his way to the kitchen.

'umm..yes...I think..thank you' I stuttered

'Taehyung is still sleeping in his room upstairs, can you wake him up please'

'sure'

'wait...what?'

I finally realized what he had asked me to do, I wasn't ready, I wanted to perfect my speech in my head before seeing him ''

My heart beat furiously as I ran up the stairs. I had to speak in such a manner that shows that I was sorry, it was my only chance. I let out a sigh before I finally knocked on his door

' 3-2-1'

'I entered slowly and closed the door behind me. He was already seated on the edge of his bed still in pajamas his face was decorated with several band-aids. His swollen lower lip was almost back to normal, I stared at it and swallowed nervously. I stood at the door waiting for the right words to fall out of my mouth or for him to curse me but nothing happened, we just stared at each other. I had to resist the urge to take him in my arms and hold in a long warm embrace. 

'Listen I..'

I was cut short when he got up and walked towards me. I quivered. 'was he going to hit me? well I deserve whatever he does to me right now' 

while I was thinking, he changed direction and turned to his closet opening it and grabbing a wool sweater.

'A..Ajhussi wants you downstairs for breakfast' I quickly turned to run out of the room

'okay' 

I stopped at the door. He had just replied me, normally, without fighting me or cursing at me. My eyes widened and I gave him one last look before I ran downstairs.

The breakfast table was set and for the first time that morning I was happy. The aroma of fresh toast, fried eggs, and bacon filled the air, I wasted no time finding my seat. 

'morning dad' Taehyung said as he walked to the dining room, I pulled out a chair beside me for him but he sat opposite me beside his dad. I quickly took a plate and placed two toasts, lots of bacon and eggs in it for him.

'Thanks' he whispered without looking at me.

'he can take care of himself jungkook, you eat' Ajhussi said

'neh'

I took a mug and poured myself hot chocolate but then I noticed he had none so I shoved it in front of him. He gently pushed it away.

'orange juice please dad'

I stared at him, hurt as he had just ignored my kind act

'Taehyung doesn't drink hot chocolate' Ajhussi said

'oh' 

' another mistake idiot'  I mentally slapped myself

I blamed myself for not being able to apologize when I had the chance in his room. Even if we weren't going to speak afterward, I wanted to get it off my shoulder. I had to find another time to come back.

'Jungkook-ah, your food will get cold' Ajhussi cut into my thoughts. I had been staring at my food for too long.

_____________________________________________________

That night, I went back to his house. I must have been out of my mind. I told my parents I would be back in 20 minutes and rushed out without offering any explanation. 

'Ajhussi, is Taehyung in?' panting as I spoke

'Yea he is' 

'Thanks' I rushed up the stairs leaving him with a questioning gaze.

The same event from the morning was repeating itself, my heart about to explode in my chest. I knocked and went in, he laid in bed staring at his phone. The slight flicker in his eye made me wonder if he was startled by my presence. I closed the door gently and sat on his reading table. He already rose to a sitting position, I avoided his eyes.

'uh..ni..ni...nice room'

I couldn't dare to look in his direction. 

'umm nice..guitar' His stare was cutting deep into my skin, I had to find a way to state my real purpose for being in his room. I turned to look at him but stopped halfway.

'umm..Taehyung, about yesterday..' my eyes wandered towards his direction, he had remained in the same position since I walked in. My eyes finally met his, they were quite different from what I was expecting, a familiar look, the one he gave me the night I found out about his mother. My heart softened, I couldn't imagine the amount of torture behind those eyes. I suddenly wanted to make everything better, I wanted to change his world and be there for him, I wanted to be the one he could lean on. 

'About yesterday, I'm really sorry' I whispered

He let out a sigh but didn't say anything. has he not forgiven me? maybe he won't be able to forgive me

'I'm not saying to go back to the way we were..what am I saying? we were never anything. Ii meant its okay if you never talk to me again or come to my house, I just..I just wanted to apologize'

'I brought this pack of band-aid for you' 

I noticed that he hadn't changed the ones he had on his face in the morning, impulsively, I got and went to sit beside him so I could change them for him. His eyes followed me and widened when I sat on his bed. Oblivious to my actions, I began to take off the band-aid on his cheek.

'What are you doing?' he whispered without protesting. I gently replaced the old band-aid. It was the closest we have ever been, everything about him suggested that a punch would be coming my way soon if I didn't back-off. I hesitated a bit after changing the band-aid on his cheek, he didn't move an inch and I felt a bit relieved. My eyes moved to the bruise close to his lower lip, as much as I wanted to put a band-aid on it I couldn't trust myself. 

'I..I'm going to...put a band-aid here as well' I said looking at his lips, although they were a little dark from smoking the moisture and little parting between them made me gulp. He didn't move. I gently approached and placed a band-aid on the bruise. 'done' my brain said but my eyes wouldn't leave his lips, I swallowed nervously, my head and heart were pounding as if they were going to explode but I only inched closer to him. when he turned to me and our eyes met, I was already tired of fighting against myself and logic. '' I whispered before I moved in for a nervous peck on his lips, I knew I was going to die after it and immediately we separated I jumped off the bed before he could punch me but as I sprang up he pulled me down. I covered my face with my hands in defense for a moment, when I saw that he didn't move I slowly relaxed. 's..s..sorry about th..' his lips came crashing down on mine in the middle of my apology. He tasted like peppermint, I would have responded in kind but I was too mesmerized by his kiss, it was slow then fast, shallow nibbles then deep and demanding, his tongue explored every corner of my mouth, a huge thrill went through me, my hands crept up his chest, neck and finally to his soft hair, holding his head against mine, offering as he took, I kissed him back, unleashing every emotion I had suppressed since he moved in, he shuddered at my attack I kissed my way from his lips to his jaw and then back to his lips. My back had started to ache as we had been sitting on the bed for quite a while, I gently lowered our glued bodies to the bed but with a low groan he yanked his lips away from mine and rolled over to the other side of the bed with his back to me. Our heavy breathing filled the room, neither of us spoke. Unsure of what he was thinking I moved closer. 

'Go away' were the words that greeted me when I laid my hands on him

'why?' my question came as a surprise, even to me.

'just go'

'I want to be here with you, I want to be there for you, is that too much to ask?'

'yes'

Quietness descended on the room. It was already 12am, I wasn't going anywhere, at least not for that night. I pulled the blanket over us as a sigh escaped my lips.

'I'm sorry' he said a little while later before we drifted to sleep.   

_____________________________________________________________________________

It had been a year since we shared our first and last kiss in his room. Not much happened after it, we carried on like nothing had happened that night but that was the least of my troubles. I had started college that September and was occasionally home. I never wanted to be that far away from him, I called him every day, hoping that our relationship would improve, ignoring his coldness.

On that fateful Friday on my way home from school, I saw a truck in front of his house, Ajhussi and some other guys were loading the truck with boxes. I ran home and asked my mom what was going on. Her answer shattered what was left of my heart.

'they are moving to Busan' she said

'when?' I asked impatiently

'today'

'today?' I yelled

'Yes they've been on it for a week'

I stormed out of the house, I suddenly felt claustrophobic, I needed air, I needed to think. As much as I wanted to punch something Ii realized it was no one's fault, I was the one who loved foolishly even after being rejected. I remembered the discussion with my mom the night we had a fight and it all made sense to me, it was no one's fault but why did I feel so horrible? Tears crept into my eyes but I desperately blinked them back as I kicked the snow. I wasn't going to say goodbye, not because I was mad but because I didn't have the courage to hold my tears while doing so.

 I lifted my head and saw him approach me.

'Hey' he said with a blank expression

'Hey' I replied

'umm we're moving'

'yea, I heard'

'Yea, so..well..I just wanted to see you before we leave'

I smirked and turned sideways, I didn't want to be the only one feeling bad or crying.

'Yea, bye have a safe trip' I replied

'thanks' he said and walked away.

I went into my house without looking back. I went straight to my room shutting out every feeling, my head felt like it was going to explode. I slammed the door and leaned against it as I tried to regain my sanity. As I looked around my room my eye caught a long object on my bed, I walked slowly towards it and collapsed on my bed when I got a good look at it. It was his guitar with a little note beside it which read 

'Jungkook-ah, I always wanted to call you like this but I never had the chance'

      'I hope you remember me every time you play this guitar'

             'from your friend who wishes you would forgive him'

The tears I had been holding spilled, I cried not because I was mad or lonely or sad, I cried because I finally had a sense of closure.

_________________________________________________________

'Jungkook-ah' 

my mom's voice interrupted my sleep. My eyes were swollen, achy and red from crying all night. I grumbled as I walked to the kitchen.

'mom'

'wake up lazy , its 10A.M.'

'I'm awake, what is it?'

'here, rice cakes and hot chocolate for our new neighbor'

I rolled my eyes at the familiar scenario. I went to the house next door, exchanging greetings with the movers as walked sleepily. Finally, in the house, I met a man and a woman in the living room.

'Hi my name is Jungkook, I live next door, my mom said to bring you these rice cakes and hot chocolate' I recited

'Thank you Jungkook' the man said. The woman walked towards me and took the food from me. 'we are the Parks, my husband, I and our son'

'Yea, welcome to the neighborhood' I bowed and turned to leave. 

'Wait, Jungkook, meet our son' the woman said

A medium built young man came from the kitchen into the living room.

'Jimin-ah, he lives next door' 

He walked towards me with a big smile and outstretched arm for a handshake.

'Hi, I'm jimin'

'hey, I'm jungkook, welcome to the neighborhood'

'Thanks'

With that I left the house, that afternoon, I went back to school. Ever since then I never went back to that house as it holds both pleasant and hurtful memories. Taehyung and I never contacted each other, for me it was the closure that I needed, I don't know his reason but each time I went home and looked through my window, I still picture him sitting in the little space between our houses, smoking his cigarettes.