You got me sippin' on something
I can't compare to nothing
I've ever known, I'm hoping
That after this fever I'll survive

It’s winter again. One can only guess how much I hate this cold season. It makes me vulnerable and lonely. It makes me feel encaged. I can’t go out and wander around the town. I can’t visit any places that will divert my mind into other things. My movements are limited.

I can’t find anything to use so that I can pretend to be happy.

I look at the TV screen and sadly smile. The new advertisement of Lotte World is airing again. It’s about a couple who are wandering around the said establishment, showcasing the beauty inside. The girl cutely wraps her arm at her partner and he kisses her forehead lovingly. The commercial ended with the two walking away as the snow falls on the background.

‘Sweet.’

If only I can experience the same with my man.

I know I'm acting a bit crazy
Strung out, a little bit hazy
Hand over heart, I'm praying
That I'm gonna make it out alive

I reach for my phone and dial his number. As usual, it directed me to the mailbox. I bitterly smile and give up. Why am I still expecting anyway? It’s not like the same scene isn’t repeating for the last two years…

Two years.

He’s been neglecting me for that long. Why did I allow him? Simple reason…

…and a bit idiotic.

LOVE.

And that’s the sole purpose why I managed to face the everyday world.

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all

Sitting on the only chair outside the balcony, I wonder if the cold weather can beat the deteriorating warm inside my heart. I am slowly becoming the person I don’t wanted to be. I am slowly becoming cold and I am on the verge of losing my soul that once filled with happiness and positivity. The TV I have left open in the living room keeps on creating noise but my heart feels the silence that I keep avoiding.

“…I'm the most comfortable when I'm at home resting doing nothing. I feel the most myself when I'm with music.” A familiar voice coming from the television filled the air.

I chuckle at the irony. ‘Lies…all lies. How can you find comfort with the place you weren’t always in? ’

“…If I meet my ideal woman, I want to get married straight away. And start making a world of just the two of us.”

‘Am I not your ideal? Because till today, I don’t feel like I am a part of your world.’

“…Am I in a relationship? Yeah. I'm already in a relationship with everybody that likes me.”

‘Then what about me? What do you think of me then? Who am I in your life?’ I shut my eyes hard upon hearing that. I don’t need to hear them twice. Once again, my heart got shattered with an unknown force that used to keep it intact.

A round of applause breaks in as the host of the program thank the very special guest they have for the night.

“Thank you very much for your time G-Dragon-ssi! We are grateful that you decided to visit us!”

“…it’s my pleasure to be with the people I treasure.”

I chuckle again, but this time, a lone tear fell from my eye. ‘But I treasure you…then why can’t I be with you?’

Perhaps, I should be accustomed with the winter.

After all, I’m still going to meet with it bearing the same loneliness I am in now.

Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

I stand up and unplug the cable. I don’t need to hear more of your sweet words. They were all lies…for me at least.

‘Why is it easier for him to say those words than mean it?’

‘And despite of the pain I feel, why do I still choose to stay than run away?’

You got me scattered in pieces
Shining like stars and screaming
Lighting me up like Venus
But then you disappear and make me wait

We met during the happiest winter of my life.

We fell in love during the loveliest spring ever.

You promised me forever along with the scent of summer.

And I gave you my all right before the eyes of the fall.

But maybe, just like the seasons, our love is subjected to changes. Opportunity knocks on your door. You follow your dreams while I gladly support you. At first we were happy. At first, there were still us…until things became prosperous and the next thing I knew, you’re all over the place making people happy.

You were all over the place but our home.

And you make people happy but me…

And every second's like torture
Heroin drip, no more so
Finding a way to let go
Baby, baby, no, I can't escape

You got your biggest break. You got your first scandal with the woman people preferred for you. You got the attention of the world. I can practically see your pictures wherever I go. I can hear your voice whenever I watch TV. I can still hear those promises you used to whisper in my ears…as you gently tell them to your onscreen partners.

But why can’t you say those words to me anymore?

Why can’t you gently look at me the same way you look at those female leads you worked with?

Why can’t you give me proper explanation about your countless scandals?

Why can’t you talk to me the way you used to do?

And why can’t I utter a meek protest no matter how many times I wanted to do so?

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all

I blow the fire on top of the melted candle that slowly leaks on the cake I’ve bought. Today should have been the best of our lives…but I am sure you’ll be dead mad once you’ve find out. Still, I tried to make this a bit special because this is a part of our dreams before…

…or maybe, I am the only one dreaming about it now.

M