The day when he asks me to comment on his looks, is his black shirt matching with the blue tie, I feel like I’m special for him.

The day when he told me that he’s nervous about the upcoming competition because he can’t say no to the seniors to participate, I feel that I’m special for him.

When he told me about how his family struggle for money, about his divorce parents, again, I feel I’m special for him.

When he explains he runs after the new transfer girl student because she takes his book, and again I feel so special.

When he says he wants me to be his main character in life, I feel so special.

Again and again and again, when he told me why he beats up the boy because the boy steals other’s money, when he asks me to adjust his tie for him and even when he choose to stand next to me when we warm up for the sport day.

Just like that I let him, slowly.. take that piece of my heart and held it for so long. My roommates told me that I give that heart of mine since the middle school, but I don’t think so because during that time, I’m going out with some other boy.

When we put into different class according to the result during the final year of middle school, I feel something off. There’s something is not right, it was during the annual dinner that the school held, I realised that feeling of mine.

That night, he was wearing black shirt tuck in, match perfectly with the navy blue tie, I suddenly feels a little mushy thing in my heart. I’m afraid of that feeling so I decided to run back home. I’m afraid that feeling make ours friendship end. I make myself sleep till the morning.

During the final year of high school, few months after the school reopen, I’ve decided to confess. Crazy isn’t? What a shameful girl to confess to her best friend. But, before I could do so..

Some of my friends hug me from the back during recess.

“Yahh! Jihyo-ah..is it true that Kang Gary is meeting our junior?” Na Jieun, one of my friends starts to boom me with question. I’m so surprised at the question that I can’t afford to answer the question. “If I’m not mistaken that girl name Kim Nana, do you know anything about this?” Park Eunji, my other friend looks at me for an answer.

“Ohh? I guess you do not know about it. Aren’t you and Kang Gary best friend? What had happen?” Park Hongnan says and pats my shoulder. I look at them one by one without words and they become more confused.

“It’s ok if you don’t know about it. we’re going to the canteen, do you want anything?” Eunji asks me and I shake my head as no. I blink my eyes for a couple of time before pull myself to sit down and relax. I feels confused in the same time, feels unappreciated by my own best friend, why he doesn’t tell me about this?

I decided to not ask him about this and wait for himself to tell me about it.

Days and weeks pass by, but he still didn’t tell me about he’s going out with our junior. Feel betrayed? Should I say yes? Feel annoyed? Should I feel so?

He is not like he used to before. The warmth person that I had known for almost 5 years has flies away this few months. He’s not coming to the library doing our revision together, he’s not training regularly like he always does. He’s not coming when we should hang up with the other friends like he used to do.

He is too busy to do so. And at that point, I knew, I had lost my really best friend, Kang Gary. I miss him, so much. I’m so worried about him when his classmates told me his result drop.

It’s almost the mid-term break, he suddenly become so angry. He comes to my class and raises his voice to Kim Hyesoo.

“Yahh! do you think you can do that to Nana just because you’re the vice president of the student council? Are you that good? Who do you think you’re to lecture her for hours because she’s not smiling to you? Aren’t we’re not applying the senior junior heritage?”

“What’re you talking about Kang Gary? When did I lecture Kim Nana for hours? Yes, I did call her because she’s not smiling to us but I don’t think it hours, not even half and hours. I just talk to her. that is my responsibility if someone is not respect to someone else.” Kim Hyesoo tries to defend herself.

Ohh.. I think I know what Kang Gary angry about. They continue to talk back to one another that make one of our friends, Ha Donghoon calls the president of student council, Lee Kwangsoo. Kwangsoo tries to break stop them but Kang Gary become more aggressive when he pushes Kwangsoo aside.

I know, if I stay still, something big gonna happen. I call for Kang Gary when he almost punches Kwangsoo on his face. I shake my head as a no to Kang Gary before pull him to elsewhere but not in this class.

I take my bag and ask Park Eunji to cover up for me. luckily it the class almost end and the teachers are having a sudden meeting.

“What’s wrong with you?” that is the first question that I asks Kang Gary. I know how awkward it is to ask that simple thing to someone that you haven’t talk for weeks or maybe months?

“What? Are you going to blame me for making a scene just now?” He asks me with his eyes looks at mine. That eyes, that had tame me all this while.

“Are you expected me not to blame you after all what you had done? do you know what you did will cause you to do charity instead of enter the class? And, why would you do that for that girl?” am I jealous? Is this what jealousy is?

“She’s my girl.” That simple yet painful answer had shot my heart. Good try Jihyo-ah. should I pat your head and say ‘good job’. I’m mocking myself.

Kang Gary pulls my hand for me to sit with him on the floor. Where’re we? Ohh, we’re at the playground near my house.

“What with that face? How come you don’t know about that?” I just smirk at his question, “I think I know about that but I decided to ignore it since you’re not the one who told me. I thought we’re best friend.”

He’s taken aback from my words. He sighs, “at any rate, Hyesoo still has no right to lecture Nana like that. ok?” Kang Gary still sticks on his point. I let out heavy sigh, “then tell me, should Hyesoo ignore when your girl bumped to Jieun and leaved without sorry? I know that we don’t want the senior junior culture, but don’t you think we need some respect on each other?”

I tried to make him realise that going out with Kim Nana is a wrong decision. Maybe because I’m jealous but Kim Nana is also a problem. She’s not honest to Kang Gary, even now, she’s using Kang Gary to defend her. Besides, she’s not loyal to Kang Gary, I knew that, and even my other friends try to tell him.

But, when the warmth and caring Kang Gary missing, I hate Kim Nana the most. This Kang Gary that sitting beside me is not the same Kang Gary that I knew before. Kang Gary that hate people to harm women has raises his voice and almost fight with the student’s president because of one girl.

 “Yah, Jihyo-ah, are you the same as the others? Saying that Nana is not good for me? I’m not myself anymore? I thought we’re best friend?” he says annoyingly. Feel a little bit offended with his tone I decide to leave him alone but he faster than me when he pulls my hand with that a pair of eyes that stab my heart.

“What if I say that you really change after going out with her? that you’re not yourself? Will you also hate me and consider me as your enemy?” I pull out my hand from his grip. “Nothing is change Jihyo-ah. I’m still the same Kang Gary. you can’t be true to say that I had change just because of Nana. Nothing is change ok? Nothing.” He defends himself.

“Then tell me why you raise your voice to the Hyesoo? She’s a girl. Where’re you when we should study at the library? Why you’re not coming to Donghoon birthday party? Why are you not going to your practise? Who’re you? where is that Kang Gary?” he looks at me as if he’s not believing in what I’m saying.

“What is this?” I held up his hand to make him see the bracelet on his wrist. “Kang Gary that I knew never has this girl thing. Bracelet. Necklace. what’s wrong with you? that girl is not good for you, Gary-ah..”

He looks at me with his half dead look, “Jihyo-ah..” he losses of words and ended with heavy sigh. “We’re friend. Aren’t us?” he says to me and tries to find my eyes when he says so. “I think so, but my best friend, Kang Gary never hides anything from me.”

“What did I hide from you?” his tone sound so annoyed and frustrated in the same time. I pat his shoulder, “I guess you need some time for yourself. Go home and get some rest. I’ll talk to Hyesoo.” I say and leave him alone.

“Why’re you doing this Jihyo-ah?” he says slowly with low voice but loud enough for me to hear. I take a deep breath and smile before turn to him, “Because I’m your friend. We’re best friend, aren’t we?”

He suddenly hugs me and makes me turn to him. He holds me so close. I miss to be in his arm, I miss this warmth. “Just hold me like you use to. I’ll be alright. Forget about the rest. Just hold me for one more time. I’ll be ok just please hold me in your arm, Jihyo-ahh..”

Slowly, I hold him and pat him. Saying that everything gonna be ok. He just need some time to rest.

Then, I leave him alone with I’m repeatedly saying the word that I said to him. ‘We’re best friend.’ Just like that I let go another chance to say how much I want him to be mine. Because we’re best friend. I’m so afraid we will be apart because of the awkward vibe between us later.

That is my piece of memory of Kang Gary. that incident, Hyesoo decided to let it pass. But, after that, Kang Gary and I become more apart. My roommates told me to move on and I did so. as time pass by, that feeling I have for him become stronger, but since I denied on it, people soon forget how much I like him.

Now, I’m 38 and married. But, this little secret of mine is not for drama, I did not ended up with Kang Gary, but with someone else. Me and my husband married because our family will. he loves me as who I am and never ask me to be more.

During our early stage, I put a very strong and impossible wall for him. But he managed to break the wall and make our marriage stay till today. Though he managed to break it, he’ll never get that piece of my heart that only Kang Gary holds. He knows about Kang Gary and he also knows how much I admire Kang Gary.

He had tries many ways to make me forget Kang Gary but nothing works. He gave up when I treat him as any wife should treat their husband. I told him, I can’t forget Kang Gary but I’ll try to love him.

Kang Gary? Let’s be cliché, after the high school, my parent has to move because of their work, so do I. I had never contact him since then, because the last day at school, I decided to tell him about my feeling on him. He gives me an answer that tells me everything.

‘We’re best friend. Let’s love each other as best friend.’

Wherever he is and whoever he with, I always hope he be happy because that is what a best friend always hope for his or her friend. I still love you, of course, as friend.

Because we’re best friend.

I did not check for any typo or mistake. I'm sorry for that and thank you for reading.