Day 1

    Today is the day.

    Everything changes today.

Day 2

    We’re finally ready.  They closed the entrance and sealed it for good.

    I’m not sure how I feel.  A part of me is angry, angry at humans for destroying our world but still attempting to survive the catastrophe of our own making.  A part of me is sad, sad as the last ray of sunshine winks out of existence.  A part of me is selfish, hoping that, somehow, humans can still survive, can still live through this despite the fact that it was our fault in the first place and if we survived it would only happen again.

    And, mostly, I am sorry.

    Sorry to the planet that it had to suffer so much at our hands.  Sorry that, instead of thinking of ways to stop it, humans only thought of ways to make sure they survived.  Sorry that we took advantage of our planet so much.

    But I could do nothing about it.  I am one human being.

    They say it takes one human to start a war, but right now I don’t believe it.

    I put my things away in my shared room today.  My roommates are two guys around my age; Luhan, the Chinese dude, is my age, while the other, Jongin, is 19, four years younger than us.  

    I don’t know how to explain them.  Luhan is my age, but he acts so young.  He’s like a spoiled baby sometimes, but I don’t tell him.  Even though we barely just met, he has no shame.  Since he is Chinese, and I don’t know about Chinese courtesy, I don’t say anything about how much he likes to hug me.  Although he is so... touchy, he insists that he wants his own bed, so Jongin and I end up sharing the queen bed on the floor while Luhan sleeps on the twin that folds down from the ceiling.  I tell Luhan to make sure that he doesn’t roll down and drop on us while we sleep, and he laughs like it’s a joke.  It’s completely serious; I don’t want to wake up squashed by a skinny but heavy 23 year old.

    Jongin is almost the exact opposite of Luhan.  He’s shy, and quiet, and doesn’t say much.  I like him; the silence is comfortable when we’re together.  I think that Jongin and Luhan’s personalities should be switched; Jongin is so mature compared to Luhan, who is four years older than him.

    Since we don’t have anything to do now, we go to the living room to try and get to know each other.  The other nine boys are Jongdae, Yixing, Yifan, Joonmyeon, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Sehun, Zitao, and Kyungsoo.  How am I going to remember all of them!?  It turns out that I’m the oldest, and one of the tall ones, Sehun, is the youngest.  I decide that I am never going to stand next to Yifan.  My self esteem is already low enough without having to feel even shorter.

    Now I will try to remember them.

    Luhan, of course.  The clingy 23 year old who doesn’t act like a 23 year old.

    Jongin.  The youngster who is extremely mature for his age.

    Yifan.  A tall person who I will never talk to.

    Zitao.  A tall, scary looking dude with eye bags.  Don’t be fooled, he screams like a girl.

    Baekhyun.  He looks like a puppy.

    Yixing.  A completely clueless person.

    Kyungsoo.  Another shortie!  Yay!  It’s too bad he has a killer gaze.

    Chanyeol.  A prankster elf.

    Sehun.  The youngest who acts like the oldest.

    Joonmyeon.  Took control of the whole situation.

    Jongdae.  He’s about same height as me... so I like him.

Day 3

    When I wake up this morning, no one was up.  I got up and tucked the blankets around Jongin.  He looked so peaceful, sleeping there, like he was younger than he was.

    On the way out, I almost smashed my head on Luhan’s metal bunk.  The guy was sleeping half off the bed, his arm and leg dangling off.  It’s a miracle that I didn’t get hit.

    No one is in the kitchen, so I boil some water and tear open one of the billions of instant coffee packets.  We don’t have the power or resources to spare for making real coffee, so I’ll have to go with this.  

    After I have my coffee cup in hand, I walk over to the table and sit down.  And I think about life.

    It feels strange.  Knowing that, somewhere above me, people are probably dying from the chemicals and fires, and here I am, deep underground, sipping coffee.  Somehow, I can’t imagine the world ending.  Somehow, for some reason, I believe that it is still normal.  I feel like I am playing a game, a fake game of survival.  Only it is real.  Too real.

Day 4

    When I wake up this morning, Jongdae is in the kitchen, sitting at the table.  He has his arms stretched out in front of him, and his chin resting on the wood surface, eyes staring at nothing.  The reality of what was happening must’ve just hit him.  I smile understandingly.  He probably still had family above.

    Deciding to leave him alone, I walk over to the stove to boil some water.  I tear open two instant coffee packets and pour one for him.  Nothing like good black coffee to wake you up.  We have to save milk supplies.

    I put a mug in front of him and sit down in the opposite chair.  For minutes, we just sit there, Jongdae staring at nothing and me staring at Jongdae.  Finally, Jongdae’s eyes move to the coffee mug and he sits up.

    “Thanks,” he mutters, taking the mug and wincing when the bitter coffee hits his tongue.

    “No problem,” I say, drinking from my own cup.  We sit in silence for a little longer before Jongdae speaks up.

    “Don’t you feel like this is unreal?”  Jongdae asks suddenly.  He looks up at me and I raise my eyebrows, inviting him to go on.  “It’s strange.  Up there, its like Hell.  And down here, we’re sleeping like there’s no tomorrow and acting like nothing’s wrong, like it’s all a game.  I feel like... I’m not worth it.  I’m nothing special, so why am I surviving while millions of people are dying?”

    I don’t know how to answer him, since I am asking myself the same thing.

Day 5

    After our talk yesterday, Jongdae and I became closer.  We drink coffee to fill the voids in our hearts, and play board games to fill the voids in our minds.  After Jongdae beat me at chess yet again, I vote for us to stop.

    “Tired of defeat?”  Jongdae smirked.  I have found out that he has a devilish personality hidden in the pretty smile and upturned eyebrows.

    “Yes,” I say, because saying anything else would result in another game.

    “You’re no fun,” Jongdae groans.  I smile and lay back, putting my hands behind my head.

    “Then why do you always stick with me?”  I ask sweetly, tilting my head and blinking.

    “Nooo!!  Not the aegyo!”  Jongdae falls back and writhes.  I laugh and lift my coffee cup for another sip.  I swear, all I eat and drink is coffee these days.  “Why is the oldest allowed to be so cute!?”

    “Who says the oldest can’t be cute?”  I ask, shaking my head and crossing my arms.

    “Hyung, are you teasing Jongdae-hyung again?”  A voice asks.  I look up as the maknae, Sehun, enters the living room.

    “What are you talking about?”  I ask innocently, hiding my huge smile behind my arm.

    “Don’t think you can hide,” Sehun says, picking up my mug and drinking from it.

    My eyes widen.  “YAH!  Oh Sehun, what are you doing!?”  I reach forward to snatch it out of his grip, but he stands up and holds it just out of reach.

    “You brat!  Give it right now!”  I growl, jumping to try to get it.  The idiot just smiles and holds it above my head with his freakishly long arms.  “Waahhhh, Sehun’s being mean!”  I cry, flinging my arms around Sehun’s waist and squeezing, in hopes that he would let his guard down.  I turn my head and shoot a glare at Jongdae, who was now writhing on the ground in laughter.

    “Yah!  Kim Jongdae, you are the same height as me!”  I shout at him.

    “But my hair’s taller.”  He smooths up his blonde hair.  “It adds at least 4 centimeters to my height.”

    Kim Jongdae is hopeless.

    “Give it!”  I yell at Sehun, hooking my arms around his shoulders.  Climbing him like the tree he was is my last resort.  I hook my leg around his thigh and pull myself up, pulling Sehun’s neck down in the process.  Sehun grunts as he loses his balance.  He falls forward and I yelp as I topple backwards.  We land on the floor and watch in horror as the coffee mug sails in a perfect arch towards the door...

    Splashing its contents onto a very tall, very blonde person.

    Yifan splutters and blinks as dark liquid drips down his face.  I freeze and turn away slowly, as if any sudden move would spark him into action.  Sehun and I stare at each other in horror.

    “What are you two doing?”  I shiver at the cold, deep voice laced with displeasure.  

    “We didn’t mean to!  It’s all Sehun’s fault, he let go of the cup!”  I cry out in defense.  Although Yifan is younger than me, there is something frightening about him, especially now.

    “He was the one drinking coffee in the first place!  If he hadn’t, this wouldn’t have happened!”  Sehun replies.  I glare at him.

    “I’m not talking about dunking me in coffee, although it is a sin to mess up such a handsome face.  I asked what you two were doing like that on the floor.”  Yifan says.

    And then I really look at our position.

    My arm is still around Sehun’s neck, pressing his face into my chest.  His right arm is stuck underneath my head, and his left arm twisted into my shirt from when he was trying to get me off of him.  My legs are tangled around his thighs and our bodies are pressed tightly together.

    Before we can do anything, another figure enters the scene of the crime.  A certain bubbly, energetic 23 year old who immediately loses all his energy upon laying eyes on me and Sehun.

    I spring away from Sehun, pushing him off of me with more strength than I know I had.  Sehun is still blinking, and he blushes red as he realizes what Yifan was inferring.  My cheeks are probably just as red.  “We were doing anything!”  I say.  “It’s just... Sehun took my coffee and I was climbing him trying to get it, then we fell down!”  I continue, widening my eyes.

    Yifan grunts and turns around, probably to the kitchen to wipe his perfect face.  I sigh with relief and fix my shirt.  I freeze when I feel someone staring at me.

    Luhan is still standing there.  His eyes are large and more sparkly than they usually were, which is saying a lot.  They are swimming with... are those tears?

    “What’s wrong?”  I ask gently.  One wrong move and he’ll burst on you, Minseok.  And you don’t want a crying baby on your hands.

    Too late.  With a sniffle, tears start streaming down Luhan’s face.

    Luhan’s mouth opens and I prepare myself for what he is going to say.  “Y-you... and S-sehun... do you... love each other?”  Luhan asks.  What?  That was definitely not what I was expecting.  My mind draws a blank, and then I react.

    “No!”  I say immediately.  “It’s not like that!  You heard my explanation for Yifan!”

    Luhan just stands there for a second longer, and then he turns around and runs off.  I groan in my mind.

Day 6

    I wake up feeling like I am being strangled by an octopus with a hundred tentacles.

    First things first.  I remove the arm around my neck that is choking me to death.  Not that the limbs around my body are any better.

    It isn’t like Jongin to suddenly hug me, and, if he did, this isn’t his style.  So there is no other explanation.

    I turn my head straight into a bed of soft blonde hair.

    Jongin doesn’t have blonde hair.  He has black hair.  I sigh as Luhan snores that already familiar snore.

    Untangling Luhan from me takes at least half an hour.  Waking him up so early is a bad idea, so I have no choice but to slowly remove his limbs from my body.  As soon as I free myself, Luhan’s arms latch onto the nearest thing, which happens to be my pillow.  He squishes it and snuggles into it, smiling happily.  I praise myself on my ability to survive, if that was how I slept last night.

    A more pressing matter.  If Luhan slept with me, what happened to Jongin?  I know for a fact that Luhan doesn’t let anyone on his bed.

    I find my answer when I almost step on a sleeping Jongin, curled up on the floor.

    Luhan is starting to scare me.

    After I wake Jongin (I couldn’t just let him sleep on the floor like that, and Luhan is taking up all the space in the bed, besides, it is late enough), I make a cup of coffee for him.  He is just as bewildered as me.

    “When I went to bed, I was sleeping with you, hyung,” Jongin says.

    “There’s only one explanation.  Luhan is telekinetic,” I say jokingly.  Jongin smiles and we sit in comfortable silence, drinking from our cups.

    “Hyung...” Jongin says finally.  I raise my eyebrows.  “Will you come with me for a second?”

    “Sure,” I say, setting down my cup.  “What is it?”

    Jongin doesn’t say anything, just puts his cup down too and leads me out of the kitchen.  We go into the exercise room and Jongin faces the wall of mirrors.

    I haven’t been in here since the first time I had gotten a tour of the place.  I walk forward and raise my eyebrows at my reflection.

    For some reason, I feel like I have gotten smaller and chubbier.  I frown at my image, not liking it one bit.  Seeing myself for the first time in a long time makes me self conscious again, especially around someone like Jongin, who has the perfect body.  I touch my pale skin, already comparing it to Jongin’s tan tone, tracing my fingers over the round parts of my cheeks.  I turn away to face Jongin, not wanting to look any more.

    Jongin looks uncomfortable, although I can’t imagine why.  “The thing is, hyung,” he says hesitantly.  “I used to be a dancer.  Up... there.  I wasn’t a famous dancer, but I did dance, and I liked it.  I just... wanted to share it with you,” he says shyly.

    I smile at his cuteness.  That cool exterior hides an adorable little boy inside.  “Of course,” I say, sitting down with my back to the mirror.

    Jongin nods.  His face changes and he starts moving.

    I stare and nod along to the rhythm as Jongin moves.  Although there is no music, Jongin’s body has it’s own beat, and it’s own melody.  It flows and ebbs and is sharp and fluid at the same time.  After it is done, and Jongin strikes the final pose, breathing heavily, I grin and clap.

    “That was amazing!”  I say excitedly.  “You’re great at dancing.”

    He smile, back to being the shy boy I share a room with.  “Thank you.”

    And thank you for sharing something beautiful with me.

Day 7

    The other night, I convinced Luhan that if he was going to sleep with me, it was best to let Jongin have his bed.  I resign myself to almost suffocating every night.  

    Not every night, the gloomy part of myself says.  Every night until it’s over, until you either escape into a new world or die down here.

    I leave Sehun to tell Luhan about the wonders of bubble tea, and go into the exercise room.  Jongin told me to meet him here again.  Something about teaching me how to dance?  That definitely isn’t going to happen, but at least I will get to see Jongin dance again.

    I can’t help but see myself in the mirror again.  Yesterday I had only had coffee to drink; supplies were running out faster than expected, so I decided just to not eat anything.

    I pinch my flabby cheeks and stretch them, then lift up my shirt and examine my belly.  Jumping up and down, my thighs and belly wiggle.  I wince and drop my shirt.  I run my eyes over the array of weights and conveyor belts.  Maybe I should start working out.

    Just then, the door opens.  I look up, eyes wide.  “Jong...!  Dae,” I sigh.

    “Why do you look so unhappy to see me?”  Jongdae asks teasingly, coming over to sit beside me.  I in my cheeks and stare at him.  I reach forward and pinch his cheeks, trying to pull them.  However, his cheeks are only bone.  I drop my hands and look down, only to be met with the sight of my ugly fat legs.

    “What’s wrong?”  Jongdae asks gently.  I look up.  I didn’t know that Jongdae has this side to him.  He looks at me, a warm expression in his eyes.  “Minseok-hyung, is something wrong?”  I shake my head and look away.

    Just then, Jongin comes in.  He raises his eyebrows when he sees me and Jongdae sitting by the mirrors.  “What’s going on?”  He asks.

    “Nothing,” I say, standing up and smiling.  “Dance for us.”  

    Jongin and Jongdae eye each other skeptically, but Jongin starts dancing.

    Afterwards, even Jongdae claps.  “That was amazing!”  I say, grinning.  Jongin smiles, pleased.

    “Psh.  I can do something just as amazing,” Jongdae says.  I turn to him.

    “What is it?”  I ask.  I find it hard to believe for some reason that Jongdae has a skill like Jongin’s dancing.

    “I can sing.”  Jongdae announces.

    For a second, everything is quiet.  Then both Jongin and I start laughing.  “Sing!?”  I exclaim.  “If you can sing, I can sing, too.  And I cannot sing,” I add.

    Jongdae actually looks hurt.  “I can sing!”  He say irritably.  

    “Sing for us then,” Jongin demands.  Jongdae glares at him, then closes his eyes and starts.

    “So baby don’t go~ oh, 带我到会有你的地方永远都在一起走

    Oh~ oh, 我们要一起飞到世界的最中心

    你就在我的眼里哪里都飞不出去

    跟我走你就不会消失或适中

    Oh~ 就像梦过了你

    你是我生命那个美丽蝴蝶

    Oh~ whoa oh oh, oh yeah yeah~ whoa oh oh, yeah~ who oh oh”

    I have no words to say when Jongdae finishes.  Truthfully, I am surprised beyond reason that Jongdae has such a beautiful and rich voice.  “Wow,” I say.  Just one word.

    Jongdae smiles a victorious smile.  “Now you have to sing!”  He accuses me.  “You said that if I can sing, you can sing too.”

    “No!”  I say.  What have I gotten myself into?  I am a terrible singer!  My voice is weak, and I can’t even hold a tune for three seconds.  Compared to Jongdae, I am nothing.  Just like I am nothing compared to Jongin.

    “Come on,” Jongdae urges.  “It’s okay if you’re bad at singing; we all know Jongin’s worse.”

    I laugh, especially when Jongin and Jongdae glare at each other as if challenging each other, but I am filled with dread about having to sing.

    What did I have to lose?  If they all hate me after this, they all hate me.  And if it didn’t matter to them, then it didn’t matter.  I took a deep breath and started to sing.

    “When you smile, sunshine

    太灿烂的让我都说不出话

    整颗心起波浪

    拍碎了就停下来”

    I stop and hold my breath.  Would they like it?

    “Hyung... Your voice is so pretty!”  Jongin exclaims.  “Why don’t you like it?”

    “Yeah!  I really love your voice,” Jongdae adds.

    “You’re just doing this so I won’t feel bad,” I groan.  They deny it, and although on the outside I laugh and accept their praise, I know on the inside that they are just trying to make me feel better.  I know better than anyone how talentless I am.

    “Whatcha guys doing?”  A voice sings as the door opens.  The three of us look up as Baekhyun enters, pulling a lost looking Yixing after him.  “I heard someone singing!  Their voice was really pretty and soft!!”

    I think he was talking about Jongdae’s voice, but then Baekhyun says soft.  And Jongdae’s voice isn’t soft.  “That was Minseok-hyung,” Jongdae says, grinning.  “This is perfect!  Baekhyun and I used to go to school together.  We can sing a duet.”

    “That would be fun!”  Baekhyun says.  “Paradise?”  He asks.  Jongdae nods.

    “Almost paradise

    아침보다더눈부신

    날향한너의 사랑이

    온 세상 다 가진듯해”

    “In my life

    내 지친 삶에 꿈처럼

    다가와준 니 모습을

    언제까지나 사랑할 수 있다면”

    Wow.  Jongdae and Baekhyun are really good singers.  It feels like paradise, listening to Baekhyun’s slightly husky but smooth and rich voice and Jongdae’s clear sound.  

    “I can dance,” someone suddenly speaks up.  We all turn around to look at Yixing, who stands there.

    “Then dance for us,” Jongin says.  I want to tell Yixing that Jongin is really good, that after seeing Jongin dance there was no way he could still feel good about his dancing, but then Yixing starts.

    My eyes widen as Yixing starts moving.  He twists and turns and drops, and his body makes erratic but somehow connected movements.  His dancing is different from Jongin.  While he has more power and jerks in his dance, Jongin is all around smooth.  I smile and clap when he finishes.

    And I wonder.  Everyone else is so talented.  

    Why was I chosen to survive?

Day 8

    Today I eat a piece of dried jerky, because even a coffeeholic like me can get tired of only drinking coffee.

    Also, the other day Yixing came up to me and asked me if I was eating.  He sounded really worried, and I knew I couldn’t make him worry.  So today I eat a piece of jerky to satisfy him.

    I only eat jerky the whole day.  No one else likes it; they say it tastes burnt and disgusting.  Although I agree with them, I don’t want to waste food so I eat the jerky.  I smile and say I like it.  And I do like it in a way.  It satisfies my stomach, and I’m not taking away from the others, too.

    Later that night, my stomach hurts.  I roll in my sleep and wake up in the middle of the night collapsed on the floor.

    It turns out that the reason the jerky tasted bad was because it was ridden with parasites and germs.

Day 9

    I don’t know what time I wake up.

    I don’t know what I’m doing.

    I don’t know anything except a bloated pain in my body, a pain that covers my vision with a film of tears and jelly, that makes me writhe in bed and scream screams that are soundless to my ears, a pain that makes my body burn but reject all liquids, that takes away all recognition of the concerned faces that swim before my eyes.

Day 15

    I wake up feeling like a piece of .

    I’m normally quite a decent person.  I don’t use cuss words anything like that.  The worst I have ever said is “shut up!” when I was in class and the teacher was reviewing something I didn’t know, and the kid next to me was giggling like a girl over something his girlfriend had just texted him.

    But I have no other word to describe how I feel.

    I’m surprised when Zitao bursts into tears upon seeing me.  Before, I had found out that although he looks like a murderer, Zitao actually has a girlish personality.  I had seen and heard enough from the girlish screams when we watched horror movies to the girlish screams when he watched chick flicks, usually dragging someone with him.

    But I’m still surprised.

    “W-what...” I croak, and I wonder what happened to my voice.

    “Minseok-hyung... you got better...”  Zitao sobs, and then the door opens and everyone streams in.

    The first one to my side is Joonmyeon.  “Why did you eat that!?”  He exclaims.  “I knew there was something wrong with it.  Why did you...”  He trails off, looking like he was about to burst into tears like Zitao.

    “I knew there was something wrong with it, why did I let you eat it?”  Kyungsoo says, and tears and flowing down his cheeks while he attempts to hide it with his sleeve.

    “I- what the b-big deal?”  I manage to croak out.  “What time is it?  Did you guys have dinner yet?”

    “We did,” Yixing says, and his nose is red.  “We had dinner, ge.  Six dinners, in fact.  Over six days.”

    For a second, I sit there.  Then it hits me.  “Six days!?”  I exclaim.  “What?  This isn’t a joke.”  Everyone stares at me solemnly and I fall back in bed.  “Six days,” I muse to myself.  Then my own tears start to flow.  “I’m so sorry!”  I cry, scooching away from Yixing, who was dangerously close to me.  “I’m so sorry!  I was being a burden for six days!  Oh, how hard you guys must’ve worked,” I say, feeling horrible.  I, the oldest, had gone off and gotten sick, leaving everyone else and being a burden by having to be taken care of.

    “What are you saying, hyung?”  Jongin says, and he looks shocked.  “Why would you be a burden?”

    “You can’t imagine... when you wouldn’t wake up...”  Sehun the poker faced maknae is trying to stop his own tears.  “Hyung, I was so worried!”  With that, Sehun leaps forward and throws his arms around me.

    My brain kicks into survival mode.  With a grunt and surprising strength from not having eaten anything for so long, I push Sehun off of me.  He crashes into Jongin, who catches him.  Everyone looks shocked, and I feel like I need to explain myself.

    “Don’t come here,” I mutter, turning away.  I feel their stare boring into my back.  “You guys... you need to stay healthy.  Just leave me alone, I can do it.  I’m sorry.”

Day 18

     After I had pushed them away, the fever had come back.  And no matter how hard I fought, it always won.  Today is the first day I felt okay enough to sit up.

    I still feel guilty about getting sick, and even worse about pushing Sehun like that.  He was the maknae; although he didn’t show it, he was the youngest of us all.

    As I sit up, I notice someone slumped over next to my body.  For a second, I’m hit with an irrational fear.  Then, the figure stirs and a snore emerges from him.  I smile as I brush the pale brown hair away from Baekhyun’s face.

    I get up quietly and pick Baekhyun up.  Although I am weak from the fever, I am still pretty strong, and Baekhyun is skinny.  I tuck him into bed and quietly leave the room.

    When I come back after using the bathroom, everyone is in panic.  Baekhyun is sitting on the bed, tears decorating his face, and when I open the door, everyone freezes and stares at me.

    “Um... hello,” I say uneasily, stepping inside.  “What’s wrong?”

    “What’s wrong?  Minseok, you were gone!”  A furious Wu Yifan towers over me.  I gulp.

    “I was just... using... the restroom...” I squeak.  And the next second, Yifan has me in a tight hold, my face pressed against his chest.  “Can’t... breath...” I choke.

    “Sorry.”  Yifan lets go and turns away, and I stand there.

    “But... why did you guys worry over the fact that I was gone?  There isn’t anywhere else I can go... is there?”  I ask.  They look at each other, and my eyes narrow.  What are they hiding?

    “Of course not!”  Chanyeol laughs.  I can tell it’s fake.  “Come on, hyung, it’s been so long since you’ve played with me!”

Day 20

    I told them not to worry about me, but I still find a sentry standing there when I wake up.  I’m about to tell him to go to sleep when I realize that he’s already asleep, standing up.  I walk up to him and smooth the blonde hair out of his face, recognizing Luhan.  I smile; for some reason, I missed the dude.

Day 21

    Today I feel well enough to play The Game of Life with Chanyeol.  I laugh when he freaks out over getting twins.  I groan when he loses his job.  I cheer when the spinner lands on the number he invested in.  

    Inside, I feel horrible.

    Everyone looks super skinny.  I get mad at the government.  What was wrong with them?  They planned this all out.  And here we were, not even lasting a month.

    Today is the third week anniversary.  Zitao wants to celebrate, and I don’t want to burst his bubble, but Joonmyeon does it for me.  He tells Zitao that they don’t have the supplies to spare, and Zitao runs off crying to the room.  I think we all know how desperate the situation is now.

    I told them I didn’t need to eat.  I told them over my cup of black instant coffee that I wasn’t hungry.  And no one questioned me.  It just proves how needed I am.  

    And through the whole day, I thought about Life.  Both the game, and the real thing.  And, not for the first time, I realize that life really is a game.  Except not as easy as you think.  

Day 22

    I turn over the cards and see things I can never have, now.  Things I used to dream of, things that I used to be able to reach if I stretched enough.  Large houses with grass lawns.  An accountant.  A banker.  An architect.  My chest aches.

Day 23

    I think I’ve managed to convince them that I forgot about what they said, about somewhere else.  And I want to convince myself, but I know I can’t.  So today, while everyone is asleep, I explore.

    I start at the storages.  It scares me, the dwindling piles of cans and dried food, the small piles of bottled water.  I walk to the very back.

    I don’t know what I will find.  A passageway, a room?  I hesitantly touch the rock, and it shifts away.  With all my strength, I manage to push it open.  A secret doorway.

    Before I walk in, I grab a flashlight, flipping it on.  I swallow and tell myself that I was using the precious batteries for an important reason.  With that, I tiptoe in.  It’s not more food.  I swallow down my disappointment and let down, and walk on.

    And walk on.  The tunnel goes on forever.  It dips, it goes up, all along freezing cold.  I shiver.  If I stay in here long enough, I could die from pneumonia.  

    And then I come to the maze.

    The passageway suddenly branches off into four tunnels.  Beyond the tunnels, I can see more branches, and I realize the other’s worries.  One could get lost in these, and freeze to death before being able to return back.  It must be one of those naturally made underground tunnels we used to learn about.  I smile bitterly as I remember school.  How ironic, that I would miss the thing I once hated.

    I make my way back before they can start looking for me, and close the door behind me.  When everyone wakes up, I’m warm in my bed.

Day 24

    Luhan and Jongin are back.

    When I wake up this morning, Joonmyeon is in the kitchen, sitting at the table.  He has his arms stretched out in front of him, and his chin resting on the wood surface, eyes staring at nothing.  The reality of what was happening must’ve just hit him.  I sigh understandingly.  We were all like family, now.

    Deciding to leave him alone, I walk over to the stove to grab a bottle of water.  I tear open two instant coffee packets and pour one for him.  Nothing like good cold black coffee to wake you up.  We have to save battery supplies.

    I put a mug in front of him and sit down in the opposite chair.  For minutes, we just sit there, Joonmyeon staring at nothing and me staring at Joonmyeon.  Finally, Joonmyeon’s eyes move to the coffee mug and he sits up.

    “Thanks,” he mutters, taking the mug and wincing when the cold, bitter coffee hits his tongue.

    “No problem,” I say, drinking from my own cup.  We sit in silence for a little longer before Joonmyeon speaks up.

    “Don’t you feel like this is unreal?”  Joonmyeon asks suddenly.  He looks up at me and I raise my eyebrows, inviting him to go on.  “It’s strange.  Up there, everything is probably gone.  And down here, we’re sleeping like there’s no tomorrow and acting like nothing’s wrong, like it’s all a game.  And I feel like... We’re not going to make it.  We’re the last hope for humanity, and we’re not going to make it.  You’re one of the only ones I trust enough to talk to.  You’ve seen the storage.  Will we make it?”

    I don’t know how to answer him, since I am asking myself the same thing.

Day 25

    When I wake up this morning, no one was up.  I get up and tuck the blankets around Luhan.  He is sleeping with his limbs sprawled out, half his body over the side but still managing to take up all the space.  He looks peaceful, and young, younger than he is.

    On the way out, I almost smash my head on Jongin’s metal bunk.  I’m still not used to the new obstacle from the ceiling.  It’s a miracle that I didn’t get hit yet.

    No one is in the kitchen, so I open a used water bottle and tear open one of the hundreds of instant coffee packets.  We don’t have the power or resources to spare for making warm coffee, so I’ll have to go with this.  

    After I have my coffee cup in hand, I walk over to the table and sit down.  And I think about life.

    It feels strange.  Knowing that, somewhere above me, everything is probably obliterated, and here I am, deep underground, sipping coffee.  Somehow, I can’t imagine humans surviving.  Somehow, for some reason, I believe that everything was doomed.  I feel like I’m playing a game, a game of survival.  And I am losing.

Day 26

    I’m finally ready.  I’m sure of my decision, and I know what I need to do.

    I’m not sure how I feel.  A part of me is angry, angry that the government couldn’t just let humans die like that, that we are such stubborn creatures.  And because of that, eleven innocent humans were suffering.  A part of me is sad, sad as I brush the hair away from Luhan’s angelic face.  Who would’ve thought that I would think of Luhan as angelic?  A part of me is selfish, hoping, knowing, that it will all be over for me.

    And, mostly, I am sorry.

    Sorry to the kids that the government put such a burden on.  Sorry that, instead of thinking of ways to help us survive, I was being selfish, only thinking of myself.  Sorry I burdened them so much and then left like this.

    But this is all I can do.  I am one human being.

    They say it takes one human to start a war, but right now I don’t believe it.

    I put my things away, looking over everything for the last time.  If Luhan and Jongin notice me acting strange, they don’t say anything.

    I don’t know how to explain to them, so I put everything, all my thoughts down, hoping that somehow they will understand.  I can’t do it.  It’s too much for me.  I am worthless, someone who just takes up space.  And most of all, I am selfish.

    When we go into the living room, I act normal.  Everything is as it should be; Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Jongdae playing a board game, Kyungsoo staring at them, Zitao and Sehun looking through old photo albums, Yifan and Joonmyeon chatting, Yixing and Jongin having a popping dance battle, and Luhan looking through random trinkets.  As I stand in the doorway, I am reminded again of how much I don’t belong, of how much I am not needed.

    Now I will remember them.

    Luhan, of course.  The clingy 23 year old who doesn’t act like a 23 year old, who takes up space even when he’s not there, who always wants a hug and wants to talk.

    Jongin.  The youngster who is extremely mature for his age, who is actually adorable and cute inside, which is hidden once he starts dancing.

    Yifan.  A tall person who I will ended up talking to, who is clumsy and a geek despite his cool guy facade, who cares for all the people he looks over.

    Zitao.  A tall, scary looking dude with eye bags, who looks like a murderer on the outside but screams like a girl and watches chick flicks.

    Baekhyun.  He looks like a cute puppy, an adorable guy with a killer smile that will always bring a smile to your face, and has a beautiful voice.

    Yixing.  A completely clueless person, who’s actually pretty smart and is determined if he decides on something, and who is an amazing dancer.

    Kyungsoo.  A wonderful shortie who cooks and takes care of us despite his “I don’t care” attitude, someone who doesn’t care that he’s short and makes up for it with his personality.

    Chanyeol.  A prankster elf with the most unique ears, who can always smile no matter what and can cheer you up just like that.

    Sehun.  The youngest who acts like the oldest, but still has that cute, aegyo side to him that all maknaes have, a person that will always drink bubble tea with you to make you feel better.

    Joonmyeon.  Took control of the whole situation, and acts like a mother to everyone; I trust anything he decides, and know that he will do the best in this situation.

    Jongdae.  He’s about same height as me... so I like him, and although first impressions are worth nothing with this guy, I can’t imagine not knowing him; your voice will help me be strong.

    All of you will keep me warm, a shield against the cold.  Thank you for these 26 days.

Day 27

    Today is the day.

    Everything changes today.

    I hope everyone will forgive me.