Namjoon opened his eyes wondering for a moment where he is. A constant beeping sound and the smell of disinfectant clued him in that he was in a hospital. He just had surgery and from the pain coming from his chest, it was successful.

His co-members thought he was getting treatment for an injury he had gotten in their previous tour. That injury was already healed.  Only his trusted manager and Bang PD knew the true nature of his hospitalization.

He had fallen in love; tragically one-sidedly. His feelings were so deep that it had developed into a condition of filling his lungs with green roses. 

It wasn't Yoongi. That growly producer would be the death of him.

Hoseok was impossible too since the first minute they met, all his energy was drained. That guy was like a kid with a neverending high from sweets.

He considered Taehyung for a moment but then he remembered that it never crossed his mind to be closer than he is right now at the younger male.

Jimin and Jungkook were also out. Namjoon couldn't even consider the two. 

Seokjin. The mere thought of his name, convinced Namjoon who made him like this. It was no question that it was this guy. A simple smile could churn his stomach, making butterflies in the most unlikely situations.

For a couple of months, Namjoon was able to keep his unique condition a secret. During those times, he hoped it will fade away. He had read that there had been instances where other people suffering from this illness were able to recover without treatment. But that was only a small portion of the population. It helped that his busy schedules were able to distract him from the pain as his condition worsened.

Eventually their manager found out about it. He was alone in the dorms feigning a cold when he was actually throwing up a handful of gorgeous green roses. Bang Shiyuk was immediately informed of the situation. He was alarmed knowing the implications if discovered by the public. To have Hanahaki is like a death sentence for an idol. It is seen as an act of betrayal to fans. It was not uncommon to idols but everyone in the industry turns a blind eye to it.

Bang PD didn't care who it was that made him feel this way. He only asked the rapper if there was a chance that person likes him back which  gives them a chance of curing it naturally.

"That's the same as reaching for the stars." Namjoon answered with a forlornly. Even if he could accept this attraction, the society he currently lives in, does not. 

Only in his dreams would his affection be returned. Reality is far more harsh.

There was no choice but to get surgery. Bang PD and the group's manager didn't let him make a choice. No one wanted him to die.

And so, here he was in the hospital making a recovery. 

His phone rang and on the screen, it says Seokijin. Normally, he would feel nervous whenever the eldest was involved but for the first time in months, he felt nothing.

"Hi Jin. What's up?" He grimaced, feeling the skin pull at the stitches when he tried to sit up.

"Nothing much." The leader could envision the older male smiling on the other side of the line. "It just feels weird that without the leader, we pretty much have to deal with things we don't usually have to."

Namjoon wanted to laugh but the incisions on his chest made him wince. He bit his lips in pain. "Now you can appreciate my presence more and stop thinking I will destroy everything I touch." He joked. It was a little weird that all those weird tingly feeling before he got the surgery were nonexistent. It was as if it was never there.

"Ey. Don't be like that." Namjoon could almost invision this person pouting. "So how's the injury? Manager said that it was pretty bad. We won't be seeing you for 2 weeks. You really should take it easy. Even if you are our leader, it doesn't mean you should bear all the burden. We're here to support you so you don't to carry all the responsibilities."

"Stop being a mom. I'm getting better so there's no need to get worried." 

"Fine. See you in two weeks. Enjoy your rest. When you get back, you'll be wanting to stay at the hospital longer." Jin teased, happily ending the call unaware of the truth.

BTS' leader looked at his phone troubled with the result of his treatment. It was weird. 

He took a deep breath and paused realizing that it has been awhile since he was able to breathe this easily. Over the course of 7 months, he had gotten used to the feeling of tightness on his chest. The feeling of almost suffocating had been constant and now that he was freely able to breathe this well made him smile.

Just a couple of hours after the surgery, the results were obvious. 

It doesn't hurt to breathe anymore. And after talking to him, he doesn't feel the need to get worried that he'll throw up another bucket of flowers.

He also doesn't need to hide every time he had the urge to kiss or hug the man in ways more intimate than friends. The feelings society considered taboo is gone.

Namjoon told himself that should be happy now. For another day, he would be able to live among his friends and 'that' person. He would also be able to continue living on with his dream. 

There was no more fear of wondering whether he would be able to open his eyes the next day or when will he breathe his last.

And yet he looked at his hands with awe and noticed that raindrops fell. Except there was no rain and he was in his hospital room. He looked above him and saw that the ceiling was dry.

They were tears.

His tears.

It is true that all the feelings are gone as if it wasn't there to begin with. He then remembered that even though he was worried and scared, he felt happy. There was pain, he had to admit that but he felt that the pain he endured was worth the love. How could you even feel love when you don't know pain, anger, sadness? All those negative emotions made him realize the importance of what he has.

And now, that feeling is gone. It wasn't there anymore.

He wiped the tears away with his bare hands and closed his hands into fists, laughing bitterly at his realization.

The feelings may be gone but his sense of loss only reminded him of what he loss. He still remembered. This body of his remembered how it reacted with that man's touch, smile and closeness. Even a memory is enough to stir something in him.

It has been carved out of him. He had lost something important so that he could live. There are no takebacks only a step forward from now on.

One thing is certain as he looked helplessly at his hands that could do nothing in this moment. Although he will live for another day, he doesn't know if it was worth feeling nothing for it.

Maybe it was worth every painful breath than to feel the hollow emptiness inside him. He will never know.

 Ta da?
I'm still a fan of hanahaki stories so every now and then, I'll be posting here or on another site.
 Until next time~

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