Chapter 2: Visions

"What are you doing?" Myungsoo ignored the voice speaking to him, figuring it was one of his friends coming to scold him for drinking. He just didn't have the willpower to deal with that anymore. Taking a drink from the bottle in his hand, he tried to return to his drunken haze.

"Go away..." He whispered, shifting slightly to ease the pain in his ribs. "Get out..."

"You know I could never bring myself to do that." The soft voice replied and he felt fingers slide through his hair. Opening his eyes, he looked up at a familiar face. Slowly the distance between them shrank until their lips met. Tears streamed down his cheeks before they even parted ways.

"Sungjong?" He questioned quietly, staring into the eyes he had loved so much. That he still loved. Hand trembling, he reached up to touch the other man's cheek softly.

"Hi baby." He gave Myungsoo an almost sad smile, leaning in to kiss him again. He couldn't hold back a soft sob at the contact he had been so desperately longing for.

"How?" It was barely a sentence but all he could articulate through the many feelings currently fighting inside of himself.

"Maybe I'm a ghost. Maybe I'm your mind's way of telling you that you're killing yourself." Sungjong's voice was calm, almost soothing but it didn't stop Myungsoo's breakdown. Dropping the bottle, he covered his face with his hands, crying heavily.

"I'm so sorry, Sungjong. I'm so sorry... I... I tried to save you... I tried..." He sobbed as he felt arms wrap around him, rocking him gently as kisses were left on his forehead. "I wish it had been me instead... Why...? WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME INSTEAD!?"

"I don't wish that at all." Sungjong replied, his voice sounding heartbroken at Myungsoo's distraught state. "Baby, you're so much stronger than me. I wouldn't last without you. I needed you more than you've ever needed me. I'm glad it wasn't you."

"Myungsoo! Are you in here!?" Dongwoo's voice interrupted any protest he might have had to Sungjong's words. Opening his eyes, he turned to look at his lover only to find himself alone again. With a strained scream, he picked up his bottle and heaved it at the wall, watching as it shattered in a cascade of glass and vodka. Dongwoo was by his side in moments.

", man. Are you okay?" The other man was trying to help him up but anger filled him at Dongwoo chasing away Sungjong. Taking a swing, he attempted to hit him, only resulting in himself being haphazardly dropped on the couch in an attempt to avoid being struck.

"Myungsoo..." Dongwoo sighed, moving to help him up again. "You stink. When was the last time you showered? I'm going to have to call Sungyeol to help give you a bath. Okay?" He didn't even bother answering, not caring as long as he could grab a new bottle when he got home and continue to dull the pain.

Dongwoo led him to his car and buckled him in. It was snowing and his heart burned in his chest as he thought of how Sungjong had always loved winter, saying the delicate drops of ice reminded him of soft angel feathers falling from heaven.

Myungsoo wasn't sure if he had zoned out watching the snow fall or if sweet unconsciousness found him again but he came to some time later, clean and in his own bed. Hushed voices could be heard from his living room. Mustering what strength he could, he had gotten up, searching for a hidden bottle of vodka he had left in his closet. The conversation became clear as he sat against the bedroom door, taking a long swig of the new bottle.

"We can't just let him keep drinking! This isn't healthy!" The voice now shouting was Sungyeol. Myungsoo silently dared him to try to stop him, taking a large, rebellious drink.

"Would you shut up?" Woohyun growled quietly. "Do you really want to wake him up? He probably needs the sleep. Or at least the chance to sober up."

"Guys. Right now... The alcohol is the only thing keeping him together. If we take it from him I don't think he'll be able to cope with what happened." Sungkyu sighed and Myungsoo felt a pang of guilt for causing his friends to worry so much. The memory of his fleeting reunion with Sungjong drove the feeling away quickly though. He couldn't live life without the blonde. At least not sober. His friends would just have to choose between a drunk person or a dead one. He didn't care which they picked, honestly. At least if he were dead, he could possibly join Sungjong in whatever afterlife existed.

"Fine." Sungyeol sounded frustrated but gave in to facts. "Howon and Dongwoo better get back with dinner fast. I doubt Myungsoo's eaten since the hospital. All the food in his fridge has gone bad." He silently let out a huff of air, knowing very well he hadn't eaten anything since the last meal he had with Sungjong.

"I don't imagine he'll be eating willingly." Woohyun replied. Myungsoo heard a tapping noise as he took another gulp from the bottle, like nails on a table. "Who's going to feed him?"

"Sungyeol washed him up so I guess I will. You go see if he's up yet." Sungkyu answered. Cursing quietly, he took another drink and forced himself to his feet. The floor tilted underneath him and it was all he could do not to fall back to the carpet.

Woohyun opened the bedroom door, nearly hitting the still dizzy man. Myungsoo groaned, set further off balance by the sudden opening of the door. Crashing to the floor, he barely managed to stop his alcohol from spilling. The other man looked down at him with a mixture of pity and disgust.

"Get up. It's time to go pretend you're still human." Helping Myungsoo up, he sighed. "I don't know why you're doing this to yourself. Do you think Sungjong would be okay with this?" Myungsoo couldn't answer. He couldn't bring himself to admit that the love of his life would probably take one look at him now and break down in tears. But he couldn't stop himself from this downward fall. A life without Sungjong had left him a shell of a man, full of only pain, and he was numbing it the only way he could just to get through every single moment without his blonde lover.

"Shut up..." He managed, looking down and away from Woohyun as he was half dragged to his kitchen table. For a moment he wondered if he should tell the others that he had seen Sungjong but he pushed the thought aside. If he told them, who knew what they would do. And then his chances of seeing the beautiful man again would probably disappear entirely. He couldn't take that chance so at least for a while, he'd have to keep it a secret.

A few minutes later, Sungkyu had been coaxing spoons of kimchi fried rice into Myungsoo's reluctant mouth as the others sat around the table awkwardly picking at their own food. Each bite hit his stomach like a rock and he desperately wanted to vomit all of it into the kitchen sink. He hadn't asked for this. It was easier just drinking and waiting for death to overtake him.

"Myungsoo... Let me make you some coffee..." Sungyeol's sympathetic voice only annoyed him and he shot the other man a silencing glare. With a sigh, the other quieted and went back to prodding at his plate.

"Dude, chill. He's just worried. We all are." Dongwoo shook his head, reaching out to pat the dejected Sungyeol on the shoulder. Myunsoo closed his eyes and took a shakey breath. He knew he was being too harsh, too mean, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from lashing out.

"If you're going to be a , I'm leaving." Woohyun hissed, slamming his fork down, startling everyone but Myungsoo who was too numb to take much notice.

"For 's sake, Woohyun! Shut the up!" Howon shouted, getting up to pull the other out of his chair. "How would you feel if it was Sungkyu that died!?" A look of pure horror spread across Woohyun's face as he looked at the man that was still force feeding Myungsoo. Sitting down without another word, Woohyun put a hand on Sungkyu's arm as though to assure himself that he was still beside him. Something, Myungsoo realized, he could never truly do again. His stomach churned and he got up, knocking his chair over as he stumbled to the trash can, vomitting the entire contents of his stomach.

"Myungsoo..." Sungyeol was by his side, rubbing his back as he heaved up stomach acid. "Im so sorry this happened to you..."

"It should have been me..." He whispered, pushing away that comforting hand. "I should have died instead..." The hand just continued to rub his back.

"Who's staying with him tonight? Im not sure we should leave him alone." Dongwoo questioned and he let out a small growl. He wanted to be alone, wanted to drink quietly in his dark livingroom until exhaustion consumed him.

"I will." Sungyeol volunteer quickly and he couldn't help but groan. The others agreed to the arrangement though as Sungyeol helped Myungsoo rinse the vomit from his mouth so Sungkyu could try to feed him again.

"Can't you all just leave me alone?" He begged, laying his head on the table. "Can't you all just go?"

"No." Came Howon's stern reply. "We can't. Because we're your friends and we dont want to lose you. Haven't we all lost enough?" Myungsoo broke free from Sungyeol and stumbled away from the group.

" off." He mumbled as he went to his room, slamming the door behind him. Securing the lock, he grabbed his open bottle and crawled into the bed he and Sungjong used to share, drinking until darkness engulfed him.