Hypocrite
CompromiseIrene dislikes physical contact.
Especially with strangers. It doesn’t matter how light the touch is, her reflex action is to flinch and step back. She used to hate physical contact, but she can tolerate it if it’s no more than a handshake or a brief hug. Wendy and Joy are exceptions.
But physical intimacy is important in a relationship. She knows this because Wendy said so.
“You’re smiling. Is it because we’re holding hands?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because, um, well, ” Wendy scratched her cheek, “I guess it shows you like me? Not to sound needy but it feels nice, you know?”
“I like you.” Irene intertwined their hands. “Do you want to keep holding hands? I don’t mind.”
And that was how Irene realized the reason for her short-lived relationships (and all those friendships that could have been). It’s because she didn’t show any signs of affection. Hand holding, hugging, kissing — they all translate to “I care about you and I want to be with you.”
No one told her the importance of physical contact when she was little. You’re expected to figure this out yourself, it’s common sense.
So unfair.
People are confusing. They say the opposite of what they think. They get angry when you say the wrong thing but saying nothing is just as bad, if not worse. They ask “How are you?” but they don’t want to know your actual emotional state. If you say anything other than “Fine, thank you” they’ll give you a weird look.
There’s so much to learn but they don’t teach you this at school. Because it’s common sense. Like breathing.
But wallowing in self-pity is pointless. Irene began reading books on body language. She practised her expressions in the mirror. If in doubt, smile, but not too much. Pay attention to what a person doesn’t say.
It’s all so exhausting but Wendy and Joy are worth it.
—
“What’s it like having ?”
Joy spills some milk when she pours it into her bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal. She glares at Irene.
“Is this going to be a thing, you asking me about every morning?”
“I waited until you finished your coffee.”
“That’s not the problem.”
“You said I can ask you anything I want.”
Joy doesn’t bother denying because Irene has a knack for remembering little things like that. She’ll use a bigger coffee mug from tomorrow onwards. “I’m glad we’re at the stage where we can freely talk about .”
“Me too.” Irene smiles, too genuine for someone who wants to discuss a taboo subject at eight in the morning. Then her face becomes serious. “So what’s it like having ?”
Joy stirs her cereal, cursing under her breath. Stupid Wendy and her browser history. She should’ve downloaded a virus on Wendy’s laptop.
“It’s nice.”
“Just nice?”
“Mhm.”
“Could you live without it?”
“Most people need physical intimacy.”
Irene puts a sunny side up egg on her toast and she cuts it diagonally. “What if I don’t want to do it?”
“Why?”
“I’m not interested.”
“Then you have a problem.” Joy regrets her choice of words as Irene’s expression changes. “Not you, I mean your relationship.”
Irene looks relieved. She cuts her toast into small pieces. “You should eat, your cereal’s gonna get soggy.”
Joy clears . What’s a good topic to talk about? Cereal? Yeah, she can work with that.
“Do you know why cereal gets soggy in milk? There’s this article where scientists tested three cereal, they must’ve had lots of free time..”
She’s such a loser. Who cares about the science behind soggy cereal? But Joy wishes the scientists tested All Berries Cap’n Crunch (obviously the best) instead of Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch (disgusting).
Thanks to her rambling, her cereal ends up soggy. Irene stays at the table after finishing her breakfast.
“Irene?”
“Yes?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
Irene smiles.
“You should be a therapist. And I agree, they should’ve used All Berries Cap’n Crunch instead of Peanut Butter.”
Irene asks bizarre questions but she listens to Joy’s pointless rambling. Maybe that’s why they get along.
—
When Irene and Wendy first met, Wendy had asked Irene to recommend a book. Wendy carried a History textbook so Irene suggested The Diary of Anne Frank. Had Irene known they would end up dating, she would’ve chosen a romance novel. That’d make a far more interesting love story.
“So how did you two meet?”
“I recommended a diary written by a Jewish girl during World War Two.”
At least she made Joy laugh.
Working at a bookstore isn’t Irene’s dream job, but the pay is decent and she appreciates the peaceful atmosphere. Besides, the doughnut shop is across the street (arguably her favourite part of her job).
“Hey.”
Irene jumps and her book hits the floor.
“Sorry.” Wendy picks up the book and gives it to Irene. “My lecture got cancelled so I thought I’d come see you.”
Irene looks around. Her manager isn’t here.
“My shift ends in thirty minutes. Could you wait for me?”
“Sure.” Wendy turns to the bookshelf. They’re in the language section. “Recommend me a book?”
“You never buy anything.”
“But I did. Once.”
“Just once.”
“Still counts.”
Irene picks a random book and hands it to Wendy.
“You want me to learn Spanish?”
“Why not? It’s a nice language.”
Wendy’s smile is playful. “Oh yeah? Say something in Spanish.”
A pause.
“Olé.”
—
Wendy turns out to be a Spanish genius and keeps talking in Spanish. Irene lets her be because Wendy sounds attractive. Then again, Irene likes Wendy’s voice so she might be biased.
—
Irene has a plan.
Get all touchy-feely with Wendy until she’s ready for the NC-17 stage. If this is a (rated) Disney movie, her problem will magically disappear because true love conquers all, then they’ll live happily ever after.
But real life doesn’t work like that.
She will never be ready — just thinking about it makes her cringe, why oh why — and Irene is 100% sure her plan will fail but she’ll do it anyway. It’s always Wendy who initiates physical contact, so it makes sense she’s surprised when Irene holds her hand walking back home.
“Am I making you uncomfortable?”
Wendy flails her free hand. “No, not at all! I just, well, you don’t usually — no, I’m good. Very good.” She squeezes Irene’s hand. “Something bothering you?”
Irene shakes her head. She knows how to tell a lie, say it like you mean it, but she’s bad at it. It’s hard to make an appropriate expression sometimes.
“Let’s get some ice-cream. My treat.”
Irene is thankful for the change of topic and she lets Wendy guide her, holding Wendy’s hand the entire time. Wendy gets vanilla, Irene gets cookies and cream. When it’s time to pay, Irene doesn’t let go of Wendy’s hand but Wendy doesn’t complaint.
They sit on a bench but now she has a problem. How is she supposed to eat her ice cream from a cup with only one hand? She should’ve gotten a cone instead.
“Um, you can let go now.” Wendy points to their intertwined hands. “It’s hard to eat when we’re like this, right?”
“Sorry.” Irene lets go of Wendy’s hand. She offers a spoonful of her ice-cream to Wendy but Wendy only stares at her. “You don’t want it?”
Wendy leans forward and eats Irene’s ice-cream. She smiles and offers her ice cream to Irene too. So far, so good.
She can do this.
For Wendy.
“I don’t mind if we take it slow, so don’t push yourself, okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re bad at lying, you know that?” Wendy scraps her remaining ice cream and feeds it to Irene. “Sure, I like it when you do things like hold my hand, but I don’t want you to do it just because you feel like you have to.”
Irene hugs Wendy.
“I love you, and I’m hugging you because I want to.” A year ago, she would’ve pushed anyone out of her personal bubble. “I love you. I know I’m being selfish but could you wait a little longer? I love you. Thank you for always being so patient with me. You must’ve been a saint in your previous life. Do you know how much I love you?”
Wendy laughs.
“I love you too.”
“Did you know? Hugging for at least 20 seconds makes you happy. They say it releases oxytocin but I have no idea what that is.”
“But what about you? You’re uncomfortable, aren’t you?”
“A little.” Irene tightens her arms around Wendy. “It’s okay, maybe I need more than 20 seconds.”
“People are looking.”
“I don’t mind. Do you?”
Wendy tucks her face against Irene’s shoulder. “Nah.”
Their hug lasts for more than 40 seconds. Irene leans in for a kiss but Wendy beats her to it.
—
Seulgi has standards.
She doesn’t date a guy with a sister complex no matter how handsome he is.
“.. And here’s my little sister when she was five. Cute, wasn’t she? Just look at those cheeks. No one could possibly resist pinching them. Look, this was when we —”
Actually, he isn’t that good-looking. Decent at most. Greasy hair but good fashion sense.
“I’m sorry, you must be tired of me rambling nonstop.” Sister complex guy puts his phone aside. Huh, so he does have manners. “How is your grandmother? You said she broke her leg.”
“She’s fine, it wasn’t serious.”
Her grandmother lives in another state and is healthy enough to beat Seulgi in a 5 km race. But sister complex guy — she can’t remember his name, Something-hyun, she thinks — doesn’t have to know this.
“Family first, right? It’s okay, Seulgi. I don’t blame you for cancelling our date.”
“Thanks, I’ll visit her after this.”
She has a good reason for cancelling her last week’s date with Something-hyun: Joy drained all her energy. They played Scrabble after that. It felt good to beat Joy in something for once, so yes, it was worth cancelling her date.
“I had a great time.” Something-hyun winks. “Do you want to go out again next week?”
She’d rather eat a tub of wasabi.
“Sure, just give me a call.”
Something-hyun leans in for a kiss but she pretends not to notice and she walks away, ignoring him calling out her name. Months ago, she would’ve ted it up and gone home with Something-hyun, sister complex or not.
Stupid Joy for ing up her standards.
—
Seulgi is supposed to meet Joy tomorrow but hey, why not today? Seize the day, everyone dies, however the hell they say it these days.
So here she is standing at Joy’s front door.
Locked.
She knocks. Twice.
No response. Damn it.
“Hello.” A woman appears behind her. “Oh, you’re that half- lady from last time.”
“Excuse me?”
She wouldn’t have stripped halfway. Go bold or go home.
“I’m Irene, Joy’s flatmate.” Irene opens the door and Seulgi follows suit into her apartment. “You can wait for her but please keep your clothes on.”
“Whatever. When is she back?”
Irene checks her phone. “She says she’s not home tonight.”
“What? Give me that.”
From: Joy
I’m with Chen, why?
Chen? Who the hell is Chen?
“Liar, she doesn’t say she won’t be home.”
“Joy doesn’t usually come home when they’re together.” Irene gestures for her phone but Seulgi doesn’t return it. “You look angry, should I not have said that?”
Instead of cursing, Seulgi smiles sweetly. “Would you be so kind as to pass her my message?”
“But you’re typing on my phone.”
“It’s better if you say it in person.”
“Then why don’t you do it yourself?”
“Listen up.” Seulgi grins. “Tell her, darling, you’re such a goddamn —”
“No, that’s rude.”
“Okay, fine, you’d probably forget after five minutes anyway.”
“Is this how you treat Joy?”
“None of your business.”
Seulgi leaves and slams the door shut. Irene reads Seulgi’s text message to Joy. She has never read so many profanities in one sentence, so she sends an apology.
To: Joy
I’m sorry, it wasn’t me. It was that weird half- lady who left her underwear in the bathtub last time.
Beep.
2 new messages
From: Joy
I can tell.
From: Joy
Her name’s Seulgi.
Irene has a feeling she will meet Seulgi again. She hopes that day doesn’t come soon.
—
There is one thing you should never talk about:
Religion.
And there’s a good reason for it, Joy thinks. People are wired to defend their belief. If two people have opposing views on religion, they will almost always end up in a heated argument. Joy and Chen have had science debates before, and if their religious talk ends up as such, she’d rather not bring it up.
But curiosity is human nature. Joy has spent many nights at Chen’s place, and the Bible is always on his desk.
“I’ll make you coffee.” Chen holds the door open and takes off Joy’s coat. She’s always liked Chen’s gentleman side. “How is your project?”
“The usual.” Joy leans against the couch. “I’m starting to regret using naphtalimide instead of sugar azide as a stopper, my fluorescence data isn’t making sense.”
“Repeat your experiment and you’ll get the results you want if you’re lucky.”
“Or I could make up the data.”
Chen sits next to her and hands a cup of coffee. “I did that once during my degree. Everyone finished their experiment except me and the lab was about to close.”
Joy gasps mockingly, shaking her head. “Shame on you.”
“Don’t pretend you’ve never done it.”
“Maybe.”
Joy drinks her coffee. Fresh, because Chen likes it that way. He’s tried numerous times to convince Joy to switch from instant coffee to ground coffee but Joy refuses. Sure, it’s nice but she can’t be bothered to grind coffee beans and filter them every morning. Instant coffee takes a second, ground coffee takes a minute. She’d rather spend that extra 59 seconds on sleeping.
Every time he comes over at Joy’s place, Joy makes him instant coffee and he complaints about the taste (but he always finishes it).
—
“Would you like to go to church with me tomorrow?”
“Sure.” Joy sits on Chen’s bed and crosses her legs. She isn’t religious but she doesn’t mind keeping Chen company. “I have to be back by three o’clock though, I’m meeting Seulgi.”
“I’m surprised you’re still seeing her.”
“Why?”
“You hate drunks.”
“She’s getting better.”
“She threw up on you last month.” He runs a hand through Joy’s hair. “It was your favourite coat.”
Joy remembers. She had stayed in the shower for half an hour after cleaning Seulgi up. Hell, Seulgi didn’t even pay for Joy’s dry-cleaning bill. Ungrateful .
“Seulgi has redeeming qualities.. I think.” Joy plays with Chen’s cross necklace. “But enough about Seulgi, I’m here for you.”
Chen removes his cross necklace and places it next to the Bible on his bedside table. He nuzzles against Joy’s cheek, caresses her thigh and whispers “I adore you” in her ear over and over like a prayer.
Regardless of her (non)-belief, Joy feels like a sinner, and she hates to imagine how Chen feels. If God exists, He must have a dark sense of humour, otherwise Joy and Chen wouldn’t have met.
“I’m horrible, aren’t I?”
Chen kisses Joy on the lips as if they are lovers. She lets him undress her and he replies.
“Everyone’s a hypocrite.”
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