‘Don’t go to the darkness alone, there are monsters hiding in there.’

For as early as she can remember, she was taught to hide or run away from monsters. But she was never taught how to fight back.

Monsters were used to feed on her fear, put her in line, and get her to do things her young self would otherwise not follow.

Her mom taught her how to hide away from the monsters.

Her dad would embrace her with a laugh as she ran towards safety, far from the monsters.

But no one ever told her the monster would never leave.

She thought when she turned eleven, she was finally done dealing with them. She knows better than to be scared of the monsters inside the kitchen or her bed. She was stronger; far larger compared to her four year old self. And so, for several years, monsters ceased to exist in her world.

.

.

.

But they were never really gone.

They just bid their time.

While she was growing older, the monsters she had to deal with also took that same time to be stronger, more invincible.

It was as she spent more time in the society as a girl in between childhood and adulthood that she realized there are far scarier monsters than the ones hiding under her bed at night and the ones eating the cookies in their kitchen.

.

.

.

Her monster has grown bigger but no one else can see it aside from her. Other people cannot feel it, or even hear its cries. It is a monster that she struggles to overcome alone.

.

.

.

Her monster?

It sounds like the constant whispers in her mind that keeps coming back at the most random of moments to knock down her slowly built confidence…

I am not good enough.

I’m a bad friend.

I’m wasting time.

I am so needy.

I am fat.

I can’t sing good enough.

Why can’t I have my together?

Why can’t I lose weight and be pretty?

What if they don’t like me?

I’m a fraud.

I’m letting everybody down.

I must smile.

What if they hate me?

Nobody likes me.

Bad singer.

Bad friend.

Bad person.

Rude .

Not good enough.

NEVER Good enough.

It’s deafening.

And it’s tiring.

Sometimes she just wanted someone to recognize the quiet war she’s living.

But then again, what will happen if they do? Would her monster just be gone? Would her mind quiet down? Would they ever understand?

She thought about her friends.

There’s Eric. The oppa who would always be her guide. But not in this war. For she knows her monster is something he will never understand. He will try, but it will always never be enough.

There’s Kevin with his faults and strengths. With his kind disposition that is sometimes clouded by his very conservative outlook on things.

There’s Jae. The oppa who shares her brand of crazy. The oppa who would be the first one to diss her but also the fastest one to engage in the battle to protect her.

There are times when she would catch him staring wistfully at her and she’d wonder if he knows. But then he’d smile a teasing grin and she’d quickly dismiss the possibility. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn’t. One thing she knows is that he’d be the best person to watch her back. But in order for that to happen, she has to be ready to open up and to lead the battle.

There are the got7 oppas.

There’s Jaebum who never fails to make her feel like a special princess when he lowers his emotional walls down just enough to welcome her in. She’d considered it—reaching out to him the way he did to her. But her conscience can’t handle adding to his burdens. He already has mountains to carry. She knows he’s also struggling to overcome his own monsters. She could only wish she’d find it in herself to be as upfront about it as he is.

There’s Jinyoung. But she can’t take him away from Jaebum. He’s already the latter’s confidante and to ask him to be hers would be too much for even the almighty Actor Park. Just like Jae, she knows she can trust him to watch her back but she can never ask him to fight her battles for her.

There’s Mark. Her silent warrior. The one whose lips don’t often utter words b