She is standing only ten feet away from you but yet feel so far away. And you know the only easy way to close the distance is by walking to her, something that you avoided to do lately when she needed you the most. And again, you're freezing at where you stand when you finally see her after long period. Suddenly so many memories comes to your mind, especially how much you hurt her when she is always trying her best to keep you safe and sound.

It takes you approximately one week to finally dare yourself to go to her preparation school. For the first three days, you take time to build your courage to ask The Seonam Detectives about her new school. You knew they helped her during the days when it supposed to be you instead of them because you once found her talking to them. So in your conclusion, they must know about her new school. And for the next following days, you're trying to build your courage to face her with hundred or even more scenario comes to your mind while thinking about the day - this day. And for some reasons, you realize it's easier to face The Seonam Detectives than approaching her. For the first ten seconds, you almost change your mind and decide to turn around and walk away from her. But you're trying your best to stay still in your spot because you're remember that's the best thing you do lately - which is run away, not standing frozen - and you never proud of it.

When you finally finished with your internal battle and looking at her again you find her looking back at you. You can see confusion in her pretty face but also a little hope. And if you want to be honest, the little hope might be your imagination because you're so desperate wanting to see her but also scared she might don't want to see you again. But what you don't like the most when see her beautiful eyes is you can see the trace of never ending tears and maybe lacking of sleep. You feel extremely guilty but at the same time you don't know if you want to run to hug her and comfort her or run to hide from her because you don't know if you can deal with the guilt. Everything about her is always complicated but it's the reason why she's so special for you.

Suddenly she walks so fast toward you. It makes your heart beating like crazy. It feels like you have complete orchestra playing action movies theme in there. You don't know what to do and it makes you standing awkwardly in the middle of the road. There's a battle between preparing your arms for a hug or your cheek for a slap. Although you know better you deserve the last part, you can't stop hoping that she will gives you the first part. Before you both fell in love to each other, at least you ever been friends, right? You think it's enough reason for you to deserve a hug as well.

None of them happened and you don't know if you should relief or disappointed for that. She is just passing you without a single word. You thought she maybe still mad at you but you think it's better for her to yell at you than being cold like now. In a single beat, you turn around and ready to call her name if only your eyes doesn't catch something not far away from where you stand. Your words suddenly die when you see three girls with same uniform that you still wearing now is chatting animatedly and walking toward you. The realization hits you hardly. Even in her condition now, she is still trying to protect you.

Although she is already resigned from school, the rumor hasn't died with her leaving. There are so many speculations going around in your school about the girl that she kissed on the photo. Yes, it's you but you never ever dare to claim it. The fact that she never mentioned the other girl – you – with all bullies she took; it makes everyone 80% sure the girl was indeed studying at the same school. Every girl that ever close to her will be the suspect but it never comes to the surface. Later you know it is thanks to The Seonam Detectives that keep you from being out from the closet. And the reason why they want to do it because it's her last request before leaving the school. They keep their promise due to their guilty feeling because of what happened to her. And now you see the living proof that she also still keeps her promise. But sadly for her, you're still being as coward as you always are. Once again you choose to turn around and walk away from her.

*

You keep rolling in your bed, trying your best to figure out what to do best right now. You won’t argue if someone said it crosses your mind by leaving her as part of your past is a good idea. Maybe it’s a sign from the universe to end this now before it was too late. And practically you actually already ended your relationship with her in that bookstore when she kissed you for the last time. But parts of you understand; it will never end if you never had a chance to talk to her.

You really want to apologize for everything that happened to her. It wasn’t you who outed her but you… you actually don’t know what part of you that involved in the story except the fact that the reason why she resigned from the school is because she is in love with you who happened to be a girl. Is it really your fault if you were born to be a girl? Will it be much different if you were a boy?

You keep staring at your phone. You actually regret for your impulsive action of deleting her pictures with you on your phone. There’s no such picture like kissing or other public display affection in there. It just pictures that prove there was happy moments between both of you. But the time she is being outed, the only thing that comes to your mind is you want to cut any connection to her.

You sigh heavily…. Now you know why you should apologize to her. You’re being selfish. When she tries – yes, tries because she still does – to protect you, you just try to protect yourself until today. And even for one second, she never tries to blame you. She is always give you reassuring texts that everything will be fine and you not even once replied it.

“You deserve better…”

And now you get your punishment. You only can talk to the picture on your phone.

You actually keep one of her photo in your laptop. And for once, you’re being honest and without thinking you safe her pictures on your phone. You keep staring at that picture when you were trying to build your courage. You don’t want to forget how happy you were when you with her. That’s why you keep one of her smiling picture on your phone.

You sigh heavily again when suddenly her face comes to your mind. Not because you reject her presence in there, but you can clearly remember her sad face when you finally met her again this afternoon. You can imagine how she silently crying on her sleep. If only you can hug her… if only you brave enough to do it… if only…

Without second thought, you grab your phone and dialing her number. Although you already delete her contact, you still memorize her number. You hardly forget it.

First ring…. You are rolling in your bed.

Second ring… you jump out of bed, biting your nail.

Third ring… you walk around your room.

Forth ring… you slump to the floor.

She never let you wait. She even picked up the phone before the first ring ended. But now… everything is different. She is so far away. She also maybe ignores the call but you can’t help but being hopeful. You just want to hear her voice, the voice that always calms you down when your parents has an episode. But not tonight… she doesn’t pick up your call. And you know better you deserve that.

You sigh again. You don’t know if you should dare yourself to make another call to be sure if she really ignores you but you’re too afraid of rejection, especially from her.

But there’s this short ring… barely one second passed. Maybe she accidentally pressed the button or maybe she changes her mind. But you find a hope from it. You almost call her back when your door suddenly opens and your mom appears.

“What are you doing in there? You’ll catch a cold again if you’re sitting in there.”

You almost cry when you remember how she took care of you at the infirmary. You were down because of cold and she looked really worried but adorable at the same time. That day you even made a blunt request to her. You asked her to lie beside you. She was worried if someone found out. That day, you were brave enough to reassure her that everything will be fine although you weren’t there when you should reassured her that everything will be fine.

“Eunbin, are you okay?”

 A single tear escape from your eyes but you masked it with a yawn.

“Yes, mom. I think I’m too sleepy until I fell,” you laugh awkwardly. And thank God, your mom buys your excuse.

“If you said so then go to your bed and go sleep. Tomorrow you should go to school, right?”

You don’t argue with your mom. You tuck yourself in bed and hold your phone close to your heart. Her picture is still there. And tonight you don’t try to call her again although you want it so badly. You still don’t dare to do it.

*

The next day, you are still doing “your job” as DJ at school. You are still delivering the message about hope, fall and even love on break. If you want to be honest, you don’t really feel it. You just read the text. Magically your friend is still thinking you’re doing a great job, delivering the feeling. You only laugh because of the irony. But you know better they don’t have to know about it.

What you don’t expecting to hear today is the song choice of the day. Someone pick White Love Story by As One, one of the famous OST from Coffee Prince series. You really like the series, but today you see the lyrics in different way.

Once again your tears fall, but once again you successfully masked it as yawn in front of others. If only it was her, she knows best when you’re lying. But they’re not her. And today you miss her again.

*

Before leaving the school, with hesitate steps, you walk to The Seonam Detectives base. Okay, you don’t know what it called but it’s the room where you can find them all.

When someone asked you to come in and you finally open the door, you don’t expect to see them all. Ahn Chayeol (the brain), Yoon Mido (the leader), Le Yehee (the actress), Kim Hajae (the hacker) and Choi Sungyoon (the athlet) is waiting for you. You don’t know it until much later when one of them said…

“We were expecting you to be here,” Mido says. “Although we don’t know it will be this soon.”

You almost forget what the reason why you’re coming here. You know they will help you solve the problem, but for the hardest part, you don’t even know what problem you want them to solve.

“Frankly speaking, we were following you yesterday…” Yehee doesn’t have a chance to finish the rest because Hajae and Sungyoon cover .

You don’t know if you should be mad for the revelation or amuse for their action. You don’t even know what to talk about right now.

“What can we do to help you?” Chayeol tries to break the ice maybe hopefully helping you to speak.

“I’m sorry I think I…”

“You want to run away again?”

Sungyoon’s voice makes you freeze. Although that’s the fact but it is hurts so badly.

“I’m sorry for what she said, but can you at least sit down first? You came here to ask for help, right?”

You can see Mido tries her best to reassure you there’s no harm from what have been said. But it doesn’t help to ease the guilty feeling you keep inside. But to see how the leader is being careful to you, it helps you to take a seat in front of them.

“We assure you, for whatever you said to us in this room won’t be out there,” Chayeol says after you think she sees the battle inside your mind.

“She was here before leaving the school, right?” You weren’t thinking when you said that. You just throw the fact. The day when you only can see her back and you know she never will turn back.

Mido sighs and nods. “The first time we failed a case but we understand why she chose to leave.”

“Because of me?” today is the first time you let your feeling speak for your behalf. You are too broken to hold it longer.

“Because of the bully,” Chayeol answers you. “And to protect you.”

You laugh dryly. “Why should she? I even don’t do the same favor.”

“Love doesn’t work that way. It isn’t how you do a favor. You give without care if you’ll take it back,” Hajae disagree. “And we know you try to protect her by rejecting to meet her until the rumor dies after her video released.”

“And we know she did it because she really cares about you,” Sungyoon continues. “She doesn’t want to burden you. That’s why she doesn’t want everyone know about the girl in the picture. She said she can stand the bully as long as you’re fine.”

You can see Chayeol tries to stop them although you don’t know the reason. You just find out when Mido offers you tissue. You don’t even realize you shed another tears today.

“We were lost to the Chrysanthemum and sadly Suyeon sunbae became the victim,” Mido continues. “It shouldn’t be that far but it happened and we can’t redo it. What we want to know now is… what you want to do, sunbae? What can we do to help you?”

“Why you want to help me?” You can’t help but asking. “Aren’t you feel disgusting? Two girls in love with each other?”

“I am at first,” Yehee admits. “But after saw what Suyeon sunbae said in the video I came to realize, love is love.”

“Video?” you stunned. “What she said?”

You catch Chayeol secretly glare at Yehee for another revelation. But you also can tell Mido thinks you deserve to know about the video.

“You still keep the video, right?” Mido asks Hajae. In less than 10 seconds, the hacker pulls out her laptop from her bag and put it in front of you. “We’ll give you a moment to listen to it.”

You are left alone in the room with screen that shows your (although you don’t know if you still deserve to call her yours but still) beautiful girl with puffy eyes. It takes 10 minutes before you finally press the play button. You almost cry when you hear her soothing voice. Sometimes you think she should be the DJ, not you.

“A week ago, everything felt like hell. But now, what’s the point? I wanted to know the reason though.  Why this is happened to me? Why am I such hateful person? In the end, it was all because of me, because I fell in love with a girl. But it wasn’t that I fell in love with her because she is a girl. I fell in love with this person, she just happened to be a girl. Nothing can stop one from falling in love with someone. Besides, it’s not wrong, either. It’s not right that a student smokes. One like someone can’t be wrong.”

When you think the video is ended, something suddenly popped up. It was the last day you saw her at school. She was talking to Chayeol and Mido.

“Sunbae, mianhe…” Mido apologized.

“What are you sorry about? You protected Eunbin,” with a calm voice she replied.

“What are you going to do now?” Chayeol asked carefully.

With a sigh she said, “like what mostly fighter do, survive. I think I will start the preparation school sooner. Although my high school life ended abruptly, doesn’t mean I should waste my dream, right?”

“How about Eunbin sunbae?” Mido hesitantly asked.

“I don’t know if by leaving this school with end the rumor and since I can’t be here anymore, can I trust you to take care of her?” she requested.

“How… about you? Will you see her again?”

On the video you can see her smiled sadly but didn’t utter a single word. That’s the cue for your dam to be break. You don’t hold your tears any longer. You cry your heart out.

A gentle hand suddenly soothing your back when you burry your face in your arms. You can’t be sure if it’s Chayeol or Mido or other girls who trying to calm you. You don’t even care if you’re crying in front of your hoobae. You even don’t care about anything anymore.

But suddenly the person gently pulls you into your arms. You are no longer crying on the desk but in someone’s chest. The familiar scent makes you stop crying and look up. When you figure out who hold you, you don’t know if you should continue crying or kiss her senseless because it’s HER. It’s your beautiful Suyeon.

“Wha… what are you doing here?” you don’t mean to be harsh but that’s the first thing that came to your mind when you finally this close to her.

“I would lie if I told you I have paperwork to finish here,” she calmly says. “But the truth is Chayeol called me and told me if you may or may not cry here.”

You just listen. Partly it’s because you’re curious but mostly because you really miss her voice. You really love the time when you spent the afternoon at that old bookstore when she has a part time job. You often asked her to read for you, mostly romance or poetry book.

“They asked me to come, but at first I rejected,” she honestly told you. “Partly it’s because I don’t want to set my feet at this school again, but mostly because I don’t know how to face you. That’s why I told them to listen to you and help you to calm down.”

She suddenly sighs and you – as you who put your feelings on the table – decide to squeeze her hands reassuringly. And you’re happy to see her smiling at you.

“They, for the first time, declined my request. They even threatened me that they will leave you alone here. Without thinking, I come to this place again. And honestly I feel relief this place a bit secluded and only few people I met at the main gate to deal with,” she continues.

You only nod. The school already ended an hour ago. Part of the reason why you hesitate to come to this place because you thought maybe the detectives already left. Only few people who have after school activities stay here. That’s why it’s not a surprise to see less people here.

“Whatever they say to you, please don’t think about it,” she adds, wiping your tears. “And most importantly don’t you ever feel guilty for what happened to me. This is my choice.”

“But…” you almost protest when her gentle finger touch your lips.

“You’re not losing me as your friend, so you don’t have to worry. After the rumor gone, we can talk again like before,” she cuts you. “And I’m sorry for not picking up your call last night, I was in the bathroom. I wanted to call you back but I was thinking maybe you were sleeping so… mianhe…”

“I’m not losing you as a friend?” you confirm her statement.

She nods. “But we can’t text as often as before because maybe someone might peek at your phone and find out. That’s how Chrysanthemum found out about me. And I know better how rumor can hurt people. I don’t want it happen to you too.”

“Am I losing you as a lover?” you can’t help but asking. And you actually ignore her worry about your life. This is more important for you now.

And for the first time today, you make her speechless. But this time you wait patiently until she opens again.

“That day… you were breaking up with me, right?” there’s bitterness you catch from her voice. And you remember again the last kiss you shared with her. You even can clearly remember the taste of her tears.

Now… it’s your turn to be speechless.

“I told you, you won’t lose me as your friend. I still care and love you. It won’t change too,” she continues without looking at you. “And if we never take it further… this won’t happen, right?”

She looks defeats and you hate that. But this time, your feeling is speaking, that’s why you don’t have filter when asking, “Are you regretting falling in love with me? Are you giving up on me? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

You know you sound selfish. She continues fighting when you’re hiding in your shell, protecting yourself. But your heart hurt so badly right now while thinking she is slipping away from you. You can’t lose her although you’re the one who ever let her go.

“What do you want, Eunbin?” she sounds tired. And you know better you’re the reason.

“I want to take back all things I said to you in that bookstore. I want us to be us again,” you reply in single breath. “If you want us to hold hand or even kiss in public, let’s do it.”

“Then what’s the point of what I’ve done so far?! I try to protect you, can’t you understand that?!” she suddenly stands up, looks angry. You like this better. You want her to yell at you, but at least she doesn’t let you go. You wish.

You follow her to stand up. You gently take her hands. She tries to resist but doesn’t put so much fight. And you’re delight to see how perfectly fit your hands with hers.

“If you’re tired fighting, let me fight for you this time,” you gently say. “Let me be your anchor. Let me be your shoulder to cry on. Let me be there for you.”

“Why now?”

Your heart stings to hear it. She deserves to ask you that question.

“I’m afraid to lose you…”

“And I told you…” this time you don’t let her finish. This time it’s your finger that landed in her soft lips.

“I don’t want to imagine you with someone else that isn’t me. You’re mine and I want you to always be mine only,” your possessiveness is showing and you don’t mind at all. “And I don’t want to see you cry when I can’t be there to wipe your tears.”

She is crying but this time you’re ready. Gently you wipe her tears and kiss her eyes. You want to show her how much you mean for each word you said to her.

“Will you let me be your girlfriend again?”

She doesn’t nod but also doesn’t shake her head. And you’re kind of expecting it. That’s why the only things you can do is pulling her to your arms and hug her tight.

“Please don’t cry because of me again, Suyeon… that’s the least I can wish,” you plead near her left ear. “I know I can’t turn back time to erase all tears you shed for me, but from now on can I see the smile in your beautiful face again?”

She loosen the hug a bit, you can feel it. At first you think maybe because it’s too much to ask for now but when you look at her face, you understand what she wants to say. She shows you her smile although it’s a bit broken than the last time you can remember.

You can’t help but kiss her cheek. And you let it longer a little bit.

“Have you taken your lunch? I’m a bit hungry now.”

You deliberately change the subject. You want to ease the heavy feeling that surrounding both of you. But when you see hesitant hanging on her face, you can see what is coming into her mind.

“If you afraid someone might catch us having lunch together, we can take the girls with us,” you continue. “Beside… we owe them a good treat, right?”

You can see smile slowly growing on her face. And you know better, that’s all you can ask… for now.

“Let’s go!”

Without thinking you grab her hand. You can feel she tries to take back her hand, but you’re tightening your grip. She keeps staring at you but doesn’t utter any word.

With your eyes, you try your best to convince her. This time… you will be the one who will never let her go. And you will keep your promise.

---

I'm not entirely sure if I want to put Suyeon's version or not cause I don't put much thought as this one...