Minseok liked to eat apples.

Green apples, to be specific.

In fact, they were his favorite food in the world.

But like many foods, you can't eat too many of them, or you'll get sick of them, and most people want to still enjoy their favorite foods after a long period of time, and they only eat their absolute favorite foods a few times a month or so, right?

This was also true for Minseok, but unlike many other people, he didn't eat anything else in between consuming his apples.

About an apple a day. That's it. To keep the doctor away.

77 calories. One medium apple with peel.

That was the foundation of Kim Minseok's pathetic excuse of a life.

Minseok was tired.

So tired.

His limbs didn't want to take him a step further, his head weighed him down, his mind was a hazy mess, and he looked like the devil walking the earth, only after getting hit by a bus. Or at least, that's what he assumed. Everyone in the streets liked to stare. Minseok didn't really know what he looked like, since he had out all of the reflective surfaces in his home after all they did was show him all his flaws and errors. Some of the mirrors he had smashed. He hadn't bothered to clean up the shards.

Minseok was exhausted.

People noticed.

There were in fact many people who noticed. There was really no point in trying to hide it, someone was always behind his back, talking about how skinny or pale or tired he looks and over time, Minseok had learned to ignore that. He avoided excessive questions by claiming to be scared of eating in public, and he told everyone he's going to the roof to eat his lunch. He did go to the roof, just not to eat. Usually he just stood. He stood on the edge of the building, but didn't jump. He didn't want people to see him dying. He wouldn't be pretty or poetic or deep when he fell, he just knew it'd hurt like hell and that it'd mean he'd given up. Minseok wasn't giving up.

The way most of you are picturing Minseok right now is probably faulty.

He wasn't pale and beautiful and skinny the way you would like him to be. No. He was the ing opposite of beautiful.

He didn't feel light or powerful or proud. no. That's just some bull tumblr claims will happen when you reach your "ultimate goal weight!!!". People didn't look at him in envy, they stared in disgust. No one was admiring him or caring, no one was helping, and no one was going to. And he was so pathetic, he didn't even bother to get help for himself. He knew there was something wrong with him but his brain was so rotten he didn't do anything.

Let me tell you what he was.

His skin looked like it was going to rip and fall off his bones in thick pieces of raw meat. His hair was falling off and losing it's color, fading towards gray, it was dry and frail and thin. His nails were breaking off, and when he ripped at them, they broke away from his blue-tinted nailbeds and a splash of blood appeared and it hurt like hell. His teeth were turning yellow and breaking. He couldn't stand up straight. His eyes were turning dark. He couldn't get comfortable anywhere because wherever he lied, all he felt against himself were bones and tendons, like daggers, pushing into him constantly.

Minseok felt terrible. His body was too heavy, it got heavier by the minute. He couldn't seem to kill the feeling of exhaustion that constantly loomed over his small figure, not even in the last minutes that he was awake in the evening or the first seconds after waking up. He couldn't lift anything heavier than a schoolbag's worth of books. Even that caused difficulty sometimes. He hated every inch of his body, from the dark circles underneath his swollen eyes to the feet that were nothing but bone and skin, the ones that it hurt to walk with. His clothes felt itchy on his skin, his feet were chafing in his shoes and his bag pressed too much on his shoulders and collarbones.

At the end of the day, Minseok wasn't even living anymore.

Everything hurt and it wasn't worth it.

Minseok was finally ready to give up.

Another strange thing about Minseok was the way he ate his apples. He ate them thoroughly, all the way to the core, but of course, not eating the seeds, but instead saving them. He dug out every single seed from the core before desperately chewing off the last bits and throwing the rest of the core away, into the trash can, amongst other identical remains. Each apple had eight or maybe even ten seeds in them, and those Minseok tossed into a large glass jar that he had placed on the kitchen counter, next to the fridge and underneath the cabinet where he kept plates and bowls that were unused and slowly collecting dust. It was calming. To see the jar slowly fill up. Minseok loved it. The seeds were beautiful. They felt nice when he gently sank his hand in.

There was nothing wrong with that, right? People collect things. Some people collect coins and put them inside a book. How strange is that? Very strange, at least Minseok thought so. So, there was no way collecting apple seeds was any stranger than that.

Luhan had been the first to speak up about Minseok's body. It was about two months ago.

"Minseok? Why is your wrist this small?"

They had been on their way to the bus stop together. Luhan had grabbed Minseok when they had had to sprint to make it to the bus. After getting inside and catching their breaths, Luhan still hadn't let go, and that's when he raised the question.

"Are you not eating well?" Luhan asked with slightly broken Korean. Minseok quickly shook his hand out of the younger one's and smiled at Luhan. "I am, I am, it's just genetics, I guess", Minseok mumbled and looked past Luhan, outside the window.

The next time the subject was brought up was three weeks ago. Minseok had been lying on the beach a few kilometers from their school, enjoying the cool spring breeze and eating his only meal of the day, when Luhan had sat down next to him. Minseok heard a slight chuckle. He looked at Luhan with a raised eyebrow. Luhan was smiling gently. "What else do you even eat besides apples?" he asked, clearly jokingly, but Minseok didn't feel like joking at that time. "Nothing", he stated bluntly. He stopped chewing. Luhan's smile slowly faded, and not another word was spoken between them that day besides fast goodbyes after Minseok had finished his apple and carefully slipped the seeds into his pocket. Luhan had stayed behind, unaware of the glances Minseok threw at him while walking away.

People don't know what to say or what to do when they are faced with a situation like Minseok's. That's probably why so many people like him die; the only people who know what they need are they themselves, but they are too stupid to get that, even though they could.

People like Minseok are too hopeful; they're hoping that maybe today someone will say "You need therapy." or "You're not okay, are you?" but no one ever does. That's why they end up dead.

It was surprisingly warm that night (it was early June after all), but Minseok was still freezing, buried underneath layers and layers of thick hoodies and blankets. He was sitting in the living room, watching a sad drama series on his laptop that sat on the table. It was quiet. The laptop's volume was down. Minseok heard steps from the apartment above him. He thought about many things, most of them not involving the drama that kept playing on the small screen.

He hadn't had a guest in... well, never. He didn't know the neighbors, the neighbors didn't know him. Minseok probably hadn't even ran into them in the two years he had lived here. The apartment was a reflection of that; there was trash everywhere, blankets and pillows and clothes were scattered aroud the tiny one bedroom flat, and the two windows in the apartment were both behind aluminum blinds and probably in desperate need of cleaning. The kitchen was kept neat, though; that's where Minseok needed it to be clean. He didn't want to dirty it in any way. He didn't spill food, because, well, apples are pretty difficult to spill, and even if apple juice did drip onto the counter from Minseok's hands, he made sure to clean it up as soon as he had retrieved the seeds and discarded the core.

In school, it was a bit more difficult to stay on the low. Especially when your only friend (well, barely even friend) was outgoing and excited. The name Luhan, or deer, fits it's owner perfectly. Luhan was always eager to jump around and talk to people. Minseok didn't mind that, unless Luhan insisted on dragging Minseok into the conversation. Those conversations were awkward. Or maybe that one guy was kind of bearable. The one who sells weed and has dimples. He didn't stare or talk weirdly about Minseok when he turned his back. He was cool. And Luhan was okay. But other than those two, Minseok either didn't care about or hated everyone. If Minseok could choose two people to talk to in the entire universe, he would choose Luhan and the weed dealer.

His mind shifted to his family. The last time Minseok had seen any of his family members was two years ago when he had left home to go to high school because appartently his parents wanted him to leave the house. Minseok was terrified back then; how in the world would he be able to live on his own? Oh, how things have changed in two years.

Minseok laughed coldly and focused on the laptop screen again. Slowly, he pushed a few of the blankets off with trembling hands and picked up the computer. He tapped four words into the search bar and let the time tick away.

About thirty minutes had passed. When Minseok got up from the couch and felt a shiver run down his spine at the sudden loss of warm blankets, his head felt light for the first time in years. He smiled at himself gently and took a deep breath before going to the kitchen in five long steps.

Oh, how things have changed, he thought as he opened the jar of apple seeds and slowly sunk his hand into the black seeds again. The seeds at the bottom hadn't quite gone bad yet, which Minseok was thankful for. This had been a long process. It would be a shame if all of it would've gone to waste because of a few measly seeds.

He smiled. The seeds made the slightest of sounds, breaking the almost complete silence in the room. Minseok removed his hand and grabbed his cellphone, quickly finding his mother's number. It was night, so he didn't really expect to be answered, but his mother's gravely voice came through anyways, surprising Minseok slightly. "H-hello?" she said with a hushed voice. "Minseok? Why... What are you calling for?" she asked and Minseok heard shuffling. He took a deep breath. "H-hi mom. I just... I haven't talked to you in a while and... I just kind of miss you." A heavy silence fell. "Minseok, are you drunk?"

He chuckled a little bit. "Uhh... I hope not", he heard himself respond. His mother sighed. "Minseok... How are your studies?" she asked with the slightest tone of disappointment in her voice. Minseok swallowed a lump in his throat and answered. "Uhh good mom. Doing good", he said. "Are you eating well?" Minseok now leaned on the counter with his free hand. "More or less." Another heavy silence. "Minseok, stop drinking and focus on your studies. And call me in the daytime, please? Your mother can't keep waking up this late for you." "Yes mom. I'm sorry to wake you up." More silence. "Good night Minseok." Minseok quickly rambled goodbyes before a long beep made it obvious that his mother had hung up.

Minseok sighed and pulled his hoodie closer to him as he browsed through his contacts. He pressed Luhan's name and the green call button, slowly lifting the cell up to his ear. It rang five times before Luhan answered with a click. Unlike Minseok's mother, Luhan's voice was clear and strong. Was he not asleep at this hour?

"Hello? Minseok? Why are you awake? Is everything okay?" Minseok smiled at the boy's response and walked back over to the jar of apple seeds. He played with the seeds in the jar slowly. "I-I'm alright. Why are you awake?" he asked with a quiet voice. Luhan didn't answer right away. "Homework. And I couldn't sleep, I don't know why though", Luhan said, sounding a bit calmer now. Minseok nodded before realising Luhan couldn't see it. "Oh. It's just that I'm all alone and I just felt like I couldn't sleep either, and... You're the only one who could possibly care about what I have to say in the middle of the night." Minseok chuckled nervously. He grabbed a small handful of seeds and watched them slip through his fingertips. Much like his life had. "What do you want to talk about?" Luhan asked, now sounding completely at ease. Minseok hated to make him worry, his sound was so soothing when he was calm. "Anything. What homework are you doing right now?"

"This is... Uhh, what is this..." Luhan chuckled. "I can't even focus right now, wait... This is English."

"Oh. Are you good at it?"

"I wouldn't brag about it, really. My favorite subject is math but I already finished that."

"Okay."

Silence fell once again. Phone calls were difficult.

"Aaahhh, what is this..." Minseok heard Luhan mumbling and flipping pages furiously.

"Luhan. Can you listen to me? Like, really, listen?" Minseok asked carefully and sunk his hand back into the seeds. "Of course. I have all night." Minseok could practically hear the soft smile on Luhan's lips. He took a deep breath. He didn't know how to say what he wanted to say, so he just said what he could get out.

"Sometimes a person comes along in your life and... And you don't know what to do. Maybe that person is different, and you don't know what that difference is or how it affects them or whatever. And you just kind of... Deal with that. You look beyond that. And there's a person there. Like, just a normal person? A person who loves certain brand of bottled water. Or someone who has dreamt about being a mermaid when they were young. The difference in them is suddenly insignificant because the person they are is more than that. You know?"

Luhan remained silent. "I don't know what to say."

Minseok chuckled.

"I figured. People rarely do."

More silence.

Slowly and carefully, Minseok lifted a big pile of apple seeds from the jar and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes for a second.

"But I know what to say. I've just been hoping you would say it."

"What do you mean? Minseok what is this?"

...

"I need help."

And with those three words, whispered with a broken voice, Minseok poured the seeds into his mouth and chewed strongly. The sour taste bursted on his tongue and made his face scrunch up. They tasted bitter and disgusting. He barely heard Luhan's voice from the other side.

"What do you... What are you eating?! Oh my god are you taking pills?! hold on Min-" Minseok hung up and tossed his phone aside carelessly. He could hear it vibrating against the hard counters when Luhan tried to call him back, but he didn't respond.

He quickly grabbed another handful and stuffed the seeds into his mouth, the new burst of bitter making him cringe. He covered his mouth with his hands and swallowed the best he could, while running to the other closet and pulling out a bottle of clear liquid. He twisted the cap off and sniffed it, it smelled strong but not spoiled, so he turned the bottle upside down and started to wash everything down. It tasted even worse when it got mixed with the seeds. It burned his throat all the way to his stomach and it made his eyes water.

His head felt heavy again. He was tired, so tired, so exhausted, he let himself fall down on the floor in front of his fridge. The bottle fell down next to him, but he brought it up to his lips to drink the last big gulps until the bottle was empty.

Minseok felt sick. He was tired. He was exhausted. He was burnt out. He had given up.

No one had the right words for him.

And neither do I.

His throat was burning and he tasted his own blood mix with the cyanide in his mouth.

He closed his eyes.