Please be the last missing piece of the puzzle
Save me, I am sinking into you
Take me out, I can’t breathe
I’m in danger I’m shouting Mayday
 

Jaebum hyung gives us both a long look, then sighes and leaves. I keep still. I am not even sure if I am breathing. Has he heard us? Does he know? The corners of my vision start to darken. Oh no. I can’t have a panic attack right now.

 

Mark takes Jaebum place and sits next to me. He places a comforting hand on my thigh, making my heart flutter. It calmes me down.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

I nod.

“Do you trust me?”

I nod again.

“And you know I trust you, too.”

“Yeah.”

“Even though you are younger and I am supposed to be the one taking care of you, I shared my worries with you. I opened up about my troubles and trusted you with my problems, right?”

I gulp.

“Yes.”

“Then... why don’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what, hyung?”

“That you are hurting.”

 

Please be
The last missing piece of the puzzle

MAYDAY

 

I stare at his hand on my leg, concentrating on the warmth seeping from him, trying not to loose myself.

“Stop pretending, Jinyounggie. I heard everything.”

No. No. nononononononononono. Oh my God. Please, no. It can’t be... I loose my breath. The pressure on my chest is intense and I have a strong urge to run. I can’t face him.

 

Before I can actually bolt, he stands up before me, taking my face in his hands, making me look at him.

 

“It’s okay, Jinyoung-ah. It’s okay.”

I blink.

“Huh?”

“I’ve always known you worry a lot, that you overthink... I just didn’t know your scars run so deep and that makes me upset. Why couldn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you reach out to me? Do you think, I would mind? That I won’t like anymore or judge you? I told you everything about me. My darkest secrets that not even my family knows about and yet...I... I’m so sorry.”

I shake my head.

“Why are you all apologizing? It’s not your fault.”

“Oh, but it is. You said it youself. I am THE reason.”

Our radiant first flight
There were eyes on us and shadow-like hopes
They all turned away because we couldn’t live upto them

 

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I am causing you so much pain you need to take medicine for it so how can it not be my fault?”

“Hyung...”

If he doesn’t stop, I will start crying again. I can already feel the tears in my eyes.

“Why do you think, I don’t love you back?”

That catches me totally off guard.

“What?”

“Have I not expressed myself enough? I am always by your side, I always seek your company, I iniciate the skinship, I talk to you all the time... I... This is killing me. When I heard you two talking, I felt like my world was shattering... how could I not have known you live in such darkness? I was sure, I knew you so well and yet... it feels like I don’t know you at all... when you said, you loved Jaebum, my heart broke all over. However, then... then... you said it’s me. Me. I... I’ve never felt so guilty.”

“Hyung~”

I sob.

“I love you so much, Jinyoung-ah. I thought, you knew but I guess, I’ve never said it aloud.”

I hug him tightly.

I lightly smile but
My insides are twisted without anyone knowing about it
“I’m sorry” saying it was like a habit
A saying beyond my understanding
 

“I am so sorry. I am used to being like this. It has always been like this so I didn’t think I should tell you... I didn’t want to trouble you... I was afraid you wouldn’t treat me the same but maybe I should have... I mean .... we are in this all together so... I am really sorry I didn’t reach out to you... but hyung... I... it won’t change anything... even if you love me back, even if I tell you everything... it doesn’t help how I feel...”

 

“It’s okay. We can still try. And even if... even if I can’t help you, at least you won’t be alone anymore.”

 

 

Save me, I can’t see in front of me
I won’t let you go, I can’t anymore
I’m in danger, I’m shouting Mayday
Please be the last missing piece of the puzzle
 

We both continue to cry and hug each other until we hear the front door opening. The others are back. Mark hyung ruffles my hair and kisses my forehead.

“Let’s sleep for a bit.”

I nod and we both cuddle on the bed. Being lost in his embrace, feeling his body heat and the steady beats of his heart lure me to sleep.

 

It’s the first time in a long time when I sleep comfortably, without nightmares.

 

Save me, I am sinking into you
Take me out, I can’t breathe
I’m in danger I’m shouting Mayday
Please be the last missing piece of the puzzle

 

I wake up and the first thing I see is hyung’s sleeping face. I grin. I can’t believe we are together. I’ve been having such a hard time hiding, pretending... after the blood tests I worried so much... maybe they would really kick me out... what would I do then?

 

But it all turned out fine. More than fine. Jaebum hyung is not mad. Mark hyung returns my feelings. I don’t have to always smile and pretend to be happy. I can be myself. I feel... almost happy.

 

When Mark hyung wakes up and smiles at me, I almost believe his words, that everything will be okay. Or at least... for now, it is.

I am still afraid of this dark path
I don’t know where I’m going but
If you can hold my hand
Whatever I do, wherever I end up
Whatever is front of me
I will fly together with you oh

 

We decided to tell everything to the rest of the members. About me, about my pills, about me and hyung being together. They take it well. Their support melts another brick of ice from my heart and I am getting scared again. Because what once was a tall wall, turned into a small fence that melting away every day... one brick at a time.

 

Mark hyung is practically glued to my side, always taking care of me. Jackson hyung keeps telling me jokes and I laugh all the time when I am with him. Youngjae always asks me how I am and fool around with me. Yugyeom stopped teasing me so much and is actually treating me nice. Jaebum hyung cooks for me which is really surprising. Bambam always hugs me and holds my hand. It’s all nice but I feel sorry because our relationship changed so much. They don’t make it too obvious but I can sense they are more careful with me.

 

However, all those gestures, everything they say and do for me... it all means so much. The bricks keep melting and when days turn into weeks and weeks into months... the day came when I woke up... and I wasn’t cold anymore.

Save me, I can’t see in front of me
I won’t let you go, I can’t anymore
I’m in danger, I’m shouting Mayday
Please be the last missing piece of the puzzle
 

At first, I didn’t notice. I just laugh more loudly, smile a little wider, eat more and sleep well. Our relationship went back to normal... with Jaebum hyung pointing out my mistakes, Jackson hyung whining about his busy schedule, Yugyeom trying to kill me, Youngjae not making sense at all, Bambam being the tease... and Mark hyung being the special one.

 

It’s different now between the two of us but as much as I expected. We still keep quiet when we are together in the room, with Mark hyung playing on his phone and me reading. We still discuss serious matters as well as chat about pointless stuff at the rare occasions we feel like talking. We still do everything together. Only now... we touch each other more, we hug more often, we kiss... we... ehm.

 

And so one day when he asks me:

“How are you today?”

I say:

“I’m fine.”

And I am not lying.

 

Save me, I am sinking into you
Take me out, I can’t breathe
I’m in danger I’m shouting Mayday
Please be
The last missing piece of the puzzle

 

MAYDAY

Save me

 

I am saved.

 

“Sometimes you don’t realize the weight of a burden you’ve been carrying until you feel the weight of its release.”