MAYDAY

written in Jinyoung point of view

 

I want you to find me and save me
 

 

I slipped. Ah. So careless of me. Another mistake to add to the never-ending list of my failures. I am so stupid. How could I forget?

 

This industry is incredibly tough. The demands on you are unrealistic. The crazy schedule, no sleeping, no time to relax. Consistent diets and weight maintenance. Not to mention the exercise. Six packs. Ah. It’s not easy to meet the expectations.

 

So naturally... it started to happen. What can make you feel light and energetic even if you haven’t slept more than 5 hours in a week? What can give you strenght to go over that dance routine countless times? What can make you feel full even if all you had in a day is a bottle of water?

 

The answer is simple. Drugs. For every problem, for every worry there is a magic pill, that can make it all go away. However, if you are caught... if it reaches the public... that’s it. The blow would be huge. It’s possible, you will never make it again. So JYP made a strict policy to prevent the artists from falling into temptation.

 

Blood tests. They are carried out regularly. Of course, under the pretense, that they are checking our health. The scheduled day for it was today but I forgat. I don’t know what to do now... because I am aware... I won’t come out “clean.”

 

My dreams and all the things I endlessly wanted

are becoming Old friends 

 

 

When did it start? When I looked inside myself and saw how ugly I am? I wish... I wish I could be all that I am pretending to be but...  It’s impossible. So... Maybe, I am only looking for an excuse but... I didn’t have a choice. The decision I made wasn’t for me or them. It was for all of us.

 

Three days passed since the blood tests. We will get the results today and I am deadly scared.

 

I can’t take the anxiety anymore. I need to release at least a bit of that pressure and so I go for a jog. I run as if my life depended on it. Not paying attention to anyone or anything, I have no clear finish line in mind. I can feel the wind blowing softly, gently caressing my face and I feel as if I was flying, my legs moving on their own. The scenery around is only a blurr... as if the world was moving too fast but maybe it’s me... who is suddenly faster than the world.

 

When I get back to the dorm, I can’t catch my breath. I take the shower, hoping the cold water will take away the remaining heaviness of my soul. Even though, I know it’s a fruitless effort.

 

I don’t know how long I stood under the stream but when I exit, my body is freezing. I welcome the sensation. My soul is full of ice, it’s only natural for my body to follow that temperature.

 

I try going to my room but halt my steps when I see Jaebum hyung standing in the corridor. Looking at me. And I know. It’s here.

 

I can’t believe it at all
I yelled

but all that came back was “Just go”
 

 

“We need to talk.”

I gulp.

“Mark is already sleeping in his room and the rest of the members have schedules till early in the morning so we have plenty of time. I am sure, you know what this is about.”

I nod.

“Good.”

He turns around and go to sit on the sofa in the living room. I follow him, feeling my heart sinking to the floor.

“So... is there anything, you wish to tell me?”

I can’t meet his eyes. I stay quiet.

“Well...?”

Silence.

“Jinyoung-ah, this is not a joke.”

“I know.”

“Then say something.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“I presume, from the beginning would be the best.”

“I have no excuse.”

“I don’t want an excuse. I want a reason. THE reason.”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“What?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Do you even realize the seriousness of this situation?”

I nod.

“But you can’t tell me?”

I nod again.

“I can’t believe this... After all those years... after everything we went through together... How can you do this to me? Me! Specifically.”

I blink away the tears. Deceit.

“Why are you not trying to make me understand?”

He grabs me and shakes me.

“Tell me!”

“You will wake up Mark hyung.”

I say, my voice empty of any emotion.

“Don’t do this. Please... I... How can you be so cold?”

He looks so devasted. It breaks my heart and for a moment I wish I could tell him everything, to make him hurt less but...

“Jinyounggie...”

His voice breaks and he starts crying. My body starts vibrating, the tremors running through me. Stop it. Say no more.

“Why? If you can’t tell me the truth then lie but please... Give me something. Anything.”

I blink away the tears. Oh God. My heart clenches and I plead with it, please, don’t show him more.

“You are really not going to say anything?”

I sense resignation in his voice. He cries more, holding the end of my t-shirt, as if he was a kid begging for something but I know, he is doing it because he is afraid that I will try to run away. Time passes by and the silence rules us both. He stops crying after a while and just continue to sit there. Same as me.

“Okay. I understand.”

I dare to look at him. His eyes are red but the whirlwind of feelings I see in his orbs hit me hard in the chest.

“If this is how you want it to be... If you really wish to destroy your life... Okay. I can’t do anything about it if you won’t let me. But I need to protect the group. I can’t let others be hurt by you. So pack your bags. I want you gone before they return.”

Something inside me shatters.  I feel short of breath. I am slipping again.

“Just... I want you to know that I am here. If you change your mind... I... I mean... the two of us... doesn’t it matter to you at all? Don’t you care?”

That’s it.

 

 

 

That phrase, that one phrase
Made me gather my hands and be still like an idiot
 

 

I start sobbing. I can’t control it. I feel his strong arms coming around me, pulling me closer. I am coming undone.

“Gosh, you are freezing.”

He starts to rub my arms and back, trying to warm me up and all I can do is cry harder.

“Shhhh, it’s okay.”

Why is he not scolding me more? Why is he not disappointed? Why doesn’t he tell me what a worthless piece of I am? Instead, he comforts me. He lets me cry my eyes out and keeps me warm. He deserves to know.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry” saying it was like a habit
A saying beyond my understanding
 

 

“I will tell you.”

He smiles and pats my head. I take a deep breath. It’s now or never.

“Do you know why I decided to be an idol?”

He is taken aback by that question.

“Uhm... isn’t it the same for all of us? Because you liked the music? Perhaps, money issues?”

I shake my head.

“No. That’s not it.”

I close my eyes for a brief second. Here it comes.

“My psychologist advised me to.”

“What?”

“Well... Let’s just say, I’ve never been... normal. I... Ah. Uhm. I just don’t feel like I am good enough. I’ve always seen myself as flawed, defective. Unworthy of being loved. And such thoughts... feelings of being inherently wrong lead to depression.”

“Why? Why do you feel like that?”

I smile sadly.

“Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation so don’t ask why. There is no answer.”

He stares at me and I wonder if he is finally seeing me for who I truly am.

“There was nothing out of ordinery in my life. You know my family, they are all loving, kind and supportive. Nobody bullied me. I just... It’s just who I am.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It has nothing to do with you. I... I need to tell you something that will probably shock you but please, I am not saying it to make you feel guilty. It’s my fault. Okay?”

He seems lost but I can’t give him time to organize his thoughts. If I stop, I won’t be able to go on.

 

“I’ve started to get therapy when I was still a kid. The doctor was smart and pretty good. The sessions helped me a little. Just not enough. I had no motivation. No reason to try. I wanted to change for my family but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The doctor told me to audition. He believed, that if I am put in the spotlight, it will help me. I tried to audition just for him. I was sure, I won’t make it. But I did. And... Ah. The doctor was right. When I entered JYP... I found my dream. It didn’t change how I feel about myself but it made me want to try. To do my best. I threw myself into practice and the deep ache in my bones after hours of dancing was soothing to my soul. However... then I met you.”

 

He is listening carefully, trying to remember everything. When I say the last words, his breath hitches. I know, that what I am about to say will change things between us. I wonder if I should stop but it’s too late. I opened the Pandora box. It’s time to let all the secrets out.

 

“You were the golden boy and I was lucky enough to be picked as your sidekick. We were casted in Dream High and they even let us debut. I was so happy. We didn’t have many fans but the ones who did support us, meant a world to me. To them, I only wanted to show my smile. But we failed. I know, how hurt you were, how it still feels bittersweet to talk about it... I know, you try to believe it was not our fault but you still think, we should have worked harder, that it was indeed us who were not good enough. I... I’ve never felt like that.”

“Huh?”

“In my eyes... it wasn’t you, it was me. I felt as if I dragged you down. You were good at everything. Dancing, singing, acting. You are charismatic and chic. You radiate light. However, me... I only everything into the darkness, that’s hidden inside of me.”

“Jinyoung-ah, don’t...”

I close his mouth with my hand.

“No. I know, what you want to say. It’s what everybody says. And logically, I know you are right but it doesn’t change anything. I just can’t help feeling like that. I was so devasted back then. Not so much for my broken dream but for you. I made you suffer because of me and that was killing me. You see... I... I was in love with you back then.”

His eyes widen and he gapes at me.

“I am not anymore. Don’t worry. However, at that time... It took a superhuman effort for me to stay at JYP. To stay by your side. I told myself over and over, that I should stop. That I am an obstacle on your way to success but I wanted to try. Just one more time. I swore, I will make it up to you. Somehow, I will become good enough to help you reach your goals, to help you achieve your dreams. When, they formed the group... I was lucky again. Through the members, I found my smile again. I wanted to stay for you, to do everything for you but I turned selfish. The boys managed to make me happy and so above everything, I wished to be together with all of you. The guilt never disappeared, I still loathed myself but GOT7 is my cure, my painkiller.”

 

 

Save me, I can’t see in front of me
I won’t let you go, I can’t anymore
I’m in danger, I’m shouting Mayday
 

 

“Days, weeks and months passed by. We debuted and we made it. We gained many fans, build a fandom and while there is a long way before us, we are good. Ahgase give me strenght to fake the perfections. I’m sorry, I’m always pretending with them but... that’s the best, I can do. And not everything is a lie. You, all of the members, the fans... you do make me happy. But I was a fool to believe that something good can happen to me as well. Do you know why I stopped loving you?”

He gulps and for the first time tonight, I sense fear in him.

“Why?”

“Because I fell in love with somebody else.”

“Who?”

He asks but his eyes tell me, he already knows.

“Mark hyung.”

He lets out a pained groan and I look at my hands. Wanting to disappear.

“So, there it is. THE reason. “

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What was I supposed to say? That there is a fire burning in me, threating to melt all of the ice in my heart? That I am running in circles? When I am not hating myself, I am hurting because I am in love with somebody I can’t? That the one person, who has absolute power over me, can never know about it? While I love you all and as I said... you are making me happy, the happiness I feel when I am with him is completely different?”

“Please... Stop it.”

“No. You wanted to know. I can’t do it anymore. Wake up and put on the mask to please everyone around me, to hide my ugliness. It’s not illegal, you know. The substance, they found in my blood. It’s dangerous but it’s not illegal. I have prescription for it. It helps with anxiety and panic attacks. I also take antidepressants. I know it can still cause misunderstandings and lead to many unpleasant questions, that’s why I was always careful not to get caught. Not because I am doing something wrong but because it’s not something to be proud about either.”

“I am so sorry. I... I thought, I knew you but... I failed you so much.”

I am perplexed.

“Failed me?”

“I should have been a better leader... a better hyung... better friend.”

He sounds so broken.

“I can’t believe, I didn’t notice. You were hurting so much.... and yet... Oh God.”

“It’s not your fault.”

He laughs.

“The irony isn’t lost on me. What makes you think, that if you can’t believe it when I say, none of this is your fault, I will believe you when you say, it’s not mine?”

I look at the ground. The dawn is approaching, the sun is slowly rising from the east. The darkness is being pushed away by the first rays of light that struggle through the clouds. Different colors dance around, changing night into a day. We are running out of time.

 

Suddenly, I hear steps. I turn around and my vision darkens. Mark hyung.

"Can we talk?"

 

to be continued