“Umma, I need you to do something for me,” I said weakly from my bed. “So Hyun will probably be really sad when she hears that I am gone but it will soon turn to anger and she’ll likely go to my grave. She’ll say things that she doesn’t really mean and I will need you to give her this letter.”

I had written a letter hoping to convey everything that I felt and thought of during our time apart.

Dear Hyunnie

 I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise to you. I should have only gone after you but now I will be doing something that I have always done for you. I will be protecting you and taking the first step just like that day that I approached you.

I remember when I first approached you, our first real fight because of Sungjae, the first time we were allowed to go to the movies alone without supervision, the first time we snuck out to get snacks, the first time I watched you cry because of your father, the first time I watched you run, the first time I held your hand, the first time our lips touched. I also remember the last time I held your hand, the last time we spent time together, the last time you laughed with me, our last date to the amusement park.

If I could take back my actions from those months ago I would because watching you suffer afar is worse than at least being there for you in the suffering. I didn’t want to distract you. I didn’t want to burden you or have you see me in a lesser state. It was a selfish decision. It was a choice I made with you in mind but my own interests at heart. I convinced myself that I had made the correct decision.

I want you to know that I will always be your biggest supporter, running behind you forever and I hope that you continue running for me and your father.

If ever you are hurt I hope you feel a gentle breeze by your face and know that that is me moving your hair away from your face and telling you to get better and then get stronger. If you feel like giving up, know that I am sitting next you and holding your hand and wanting to get you your comfort food. Remember to always get two spoons with your cup ice cream, half chocolate and half vanilla, and until one day there’s someone else, who eats the ice cream with you, I will always be there sharing it with you.

If you get a chance please look after my mother. She always wanted a daughter and I tried my best to do the things she wanted but I think she favoured you over me.

Don’t blame your mother because we both know it wasn’t her fault. She just wanted my last days to be easier.

Do things we said we would do. Find a friend to do it with. I hear Sungjae will be attending the same university as you. Take photos and make new memories.

Don’t visit me too often but when you do bring the photos that you took and the stories you would’ve told me. Remember that my favourite cookies will always be the ones you make, always a bit browner on the top but with lots of chocolate in the middle.

And lastly know that with my last breath you were the image that I closed my eyes to. Even in death, you will always be the only one I love.

Something that I have learnt these past few months alone: We tend to hurt the ones we love, and I did love you So Hyun, I loved you the most and I’m sorry that of all the ones I have loved in this life it was you that I hurt the deepest.

Nam Joo-Hyuk

P.S. I know that you looked angelic in that spring green dress.