Love is not dead

2. When your heart is accepting love

Jiwon

Jiwon was smoking a cigarette, the trail of smoke ascended upwards to form abstract drawings and images, and then dispersed gradually into thin air so as to poison both of them. He sensed Hanbin's glances laid upon himself despite being deep in thought, thinking about what had just happened between them, so he turned around, looked at him and immediately noticed a blood stain that had sullied the sheets. It was his blood, it was Hanbin's blood, it was his.

"What is that?" Jiwon pointed to the red spot, threw away the cigarette that rolled to the floor and approached him with caution, "is this your blood?" he feared the answer of the question even if he already knew it.

Jiwon pounced on him, took his face in the hands and looked him straight in the eyes, realizing that Hanbin was shivering like a poor, weak and scared child would do.

"Hyung" Hanbin was trembling all over, "I'm fine" he continued to be shaken by a series of tremors.

"Why are you shaking?" Jiwon asked his cheek, "you're making me worry" he was pleading him.

"I'm fine" Hanbin repeated in a manner somewhat mechanic turning his gaze elsewhere, “I swear, hyung, I'm fine” he was very uncomfortable in that situation.

"You're not fine" Jiwon shook his head, "it's all my fault, I did it, I did this to you" he felt like he was dying because of guilt.

"I'm fine" Hanbin's high-pitched voice also trembled along with his body, "I'm okay, hyung, it's all right" he gave him a smile that faded right away.

"I hurt you" Jiwon said as he crushed his forehead against his, "I'm sorry for hurting you".

"I'm fine" Hanbin said once again trying to convince not only Jiwon but also himself.

"Why you didn't stop me?" Jiwon asked breathing against his rosy and plump lips, "and why I didn't stop myself?" he felt a wave of hate grow inside him, splayed everywhere like wildfire and enveloped him between its coils.

"Because I wanted it" Hanbin said getting lost in his eyes gradually, "and because I wanted you" their respective breaths mingled together.

"You should have stopped me" Jiwon laced the fingers with his, "I should have stopped myself" he looked down, lacking the courage to sustain eye contact.

"I love you" Hanbin lifted his chin so they could look at each other, "I love you even if you don't love me the same way” he mirrored in his eyes, finding nothing but sadness dictated by remorse.

"Let's sleep, Hanbin, we need to rest" Jiwon said, "come here" he beckoned, surrounded him in a hug and squeezed him so hard against the chest making him feel loved and most of all safe and sound.
Jiwon kissed him on the temple, let him curling up beside him and then kissed him again.

"Don't leave me" Hanbin murmured meeting all of his kisses one by one, "never do it".

"I'm not leaving you" Jiwon whispered back giving him another kiss right there, "I would never do it".

"I want you to kiss me again" Hanbin moaned placing his mouth on the sensitive skin of his neck, "just give me one more".

"No" Jiwon said dodging to avoid him, "between us it's just " he made it clear.

"It's just " Hanbin added rubbing on him, "it's just , hyung, isn't it?" he straddled over him, proud as a lion who had been wounded but not killed.

"It's nothing more than just " Jiwon gritted his teeth willing to take control over the situation and over him, "yes, Hanbin, it's just between us" he grabbed him by the hips, reversed the positions and pinned him to the mattress preventing him to make any movement.

Jiwon pressed a hand on his thorax, held him down, still and silent beneath him. He set the thumb on his pink and fleshy lips running it over the contours, touching them so carefully, hesitantly and gently as he had never done before. He wanted to kiss him, he had such a great desire to kiss Hanbin right there and right now, he wanted to give him one of those kisses that neither of them would ever forget.

"Do you want to kiss me?" Hanbin dared to ask him, "do it, kiss me and I'm yours”.

"Listen to me!" Jiwon shouted while trying to repress the surge of anger that was mounting him, "I can't reciprocate your feelings” he slammed him back onto the bed as if he belonged to him, as if he was his, as if he owned him but it wasn't the case.

"You can't or..." Hanbin burst into tears in front of him, "or you don't want to?” he was no longer able to either hold back the tears, nor to suppress the pain.

"Hanbin..." Jiwon paused, the sentence was hanging, since he didn't know how to go on because he had already repented, "don't cry, please, just don't cry" he stretched his fingers to touch him but the other drove his hand away with a slap.

"I don't want you to talk to me, or you to touch me, or you to look at me” Hanbin said, "just stay away from me" he glared at him, turned his head to the side and kept crying in a way as quiet as if not wanting neither to be seen nor heard.

Hanbin fell asleep shortly after. Jiwon came up, stood listening to the sound of his heartbeat and of his breath until he lay his dry, cracked lips on those instead warm and pulpy of Hanbin, kissing him how he would have kissed someone he was in love with.

“I hope you can forgive me” Jiwon hissed against his lips, “but I can't love you like I would not today, not tomorrow, not the day after and perhaps never” it would be his secret, he would have treasured it forever and ever, concealed within himself as the most beautiful memory of what would never happen again.

Jiwon woke up early in the morning, saw the first light of dawn seeping