oh oh oh i just wanna be with you, i just wanna be, just wanna be

Jinyoung blinked once. Twice. All around him, all he can see was murky darkness veiled in white – no start, no end, and his spatial abilities failed in the swirling dust. The firm ground dissipated beneath his feet and he was half-walking, half-floating with no direction, feeling lost.

Had he always been living in this kind of place?

Jinyoung was certain that he hadn’t. He had a normal life in a normal place, with normal friends and nothing out of ordinary.

Though, as he floated mindlessly among the mist, he couldn’t even remember what normal was like.

He saw a spot of light in the distance and he ran across the misty field as quickly as he could – hoping to find something, anything.  Maybe there would be way out of the strange world... or at the very least, a clue.

He had no idea if he ever arrived where the light was but the next thing he saw was a ceiling.

The cream colored ceiling looked a tad too familiar and he began to hear noises within seconds. The gentle strum of a guitar, the chirping of a bird, and a loud, contagious laugh. Though his mind was still hazy, he forced his head to the side and saw a familiar person.

Mark was leaning against the windowsill, calmly reading a book as if he was unfazed by everything that was going on in the small room. At the corner of the room, Jaebum was talking to his pet bird while Jackson recorded everything, cackling loudly. Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom were lounging on the couch doing whatever. Jinyoung’s mind began to clear and he sat up slowly, smiling as he realized that he was indeed just having a really strange dream.

But it didn’t last long, as he began to notice something wrong.

They were throwing pillows at each other. They were making jokes. They were recording everything and everyone. But no matter what they were doing, everyone seemed to look right past him. It was almost like he wasn’t even there.

He tried to get their attention, but his head began to feel foggy again. He heard somebody calling him in the distance and the room began to distort. There were strange buzzing noises, alternating with the gentle voice calling him from the distance, and everything turned white.

And Jinyoung woke up.

Mark was looking at him in concern and he briefly saw Jaebum’s figure passing the window. He frowned hard, finally realizing where he was. Three days ago, they rented a wagon to go on a roadtrip. The three oldest took turns driving and Jinyoung acted as the navigator, but he must have fallen asleep somehow.

“Hey. We’re making a quick stop and Jaebum told me to wake you up. Want to grab something to eat?”

Jinyoung shook his head. His mind was still fuzzy and he was probably going to fall back asleep within the next seconds no matter how hard he tried not to. “No thanks, I’ll stay.”

“Alright. We’ll be back soon.”

Not so long after Mark left, Jaebum climbed into the car and sat beside Jinyoung, handing a steaming cup of hot cocoa and a bag full of random convenience store snacks to the younger male – which Jinyoung gratefully accepted.

“Sorry I didn’t get you coffee. I figured out that something light like cocoa might be better for you right now.”

Jinyoung nodded. “Thanks hyung. I understand.”

They fell into a comfortable silence as Jinyoung sipped his cocoa slowly. Jaebum had wrapped an arm around his shoulders, softly playing with his hair.

“So… what happened? Did you forget to take your meds?” Jaebum asked after a short period of silence.

Jinyoung shook his head slowly. “I took my dose this morning…”

“You fell asleep six times since our last stop. I’m not saying that you should always stay awake but… to think that you keep falling asleep uncontrollably while on treatment…”

“I know.” Jinyoung closed his eyes, feeling exhausted even though he literally just woke up. “Maybe the meds aren’t working or my dose wasn’t enough… I couldn’t control it anymore and my dreams are getting more vivid…”

“This whole trip is probably making you exhausted.” Jaebum sighed. “I told you we could’ve postponed it.”

“No way.” Jinyoung glared. “It’s already hard enough to manage so all of us could have day offs in time with the kids’ break. It’s a now or never situation.”

“This kind of unscheduled living is making your condition worse. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” Jinyoung shrugged. “Doc told me that it’s still safe for me to increase the dose a little bit if the normal dose isn’t working. I’ll just try and do that.”

“Alright then, if you insist.” Jaebum gently ruffled Jinyoung’s hair and moved to get out right when the kids returned. “Just don’t force yourself.”

“Don’t worry.” Jinyoung smiled. “I’ll get better.”

But he didn’t.

Jinyoung woke up one time inside the trailer house they traded with the wagon. He didn’t even realize when he had fallen asleep – as far as he remembered, he was sitting with Jaebum in the front car, noting turns and intersections and random things they encountered in the road. When did they make the stop? When did he move to the bed in the trailer? When did he fall asleep? As far as he remembered, he had been waking up a lot more than he slept. Even worse, he never knew whether he would wake up in the reality or another dream. He used to loathe the bizarre dreams that left him disoriented but now he just wanted such dreams to return. The dreams he’d been having lately were a tad too close to the real world and it made him confused, sad, and distraught.

Because as he came to terms with the fact that dream-others rarely noticed the presence of dream-Jinyoung, he began to realize that none of the boys ever acknowledged his absence either.

It wasn’t like he never existed in the dream-universe – he saw seven pairs of sandals in the shoe rack, seven pillows on the small bed, and his own signature stamped on the guitar they bought together – and everything proved that the existence of dream-Jinyoung was just as prominent as real-Jinyoung. But when he was awake in the dream, he was invisible – and probably forgotten, too.

They couldn’t see him, it was a fact. But they never even mentioned him, and the implication was unsettling.

What if one day real-Jinyoung disappeared just like dream-Jinyoung? Would the boys forget his existence in the real world as well? Was he really that insignificant that nobody could ever tell the difference when he was there and not? Had he always been invisible to everyone around him?

Even when dreaming, he thought too much, and his mind was always restless.

He never fell asleep on the bed but he woke up in the front car, right next to Jaebum who kept sending him worried glances as he drove. “Are you okay?” The older male asked, and Jinyoung nodded. Reaching into his pocket, he quickly poured the contents of the bottle into his open palm and popped it into his mouth, swallowing. “I’m fine. I went past the time for my second dose.”

Jaebum never saw that Jinyoung swallowed two pills instead of one.

The extra dose managed to keep him awake for the rest of the day, but it did nothing to improve his alertness. Jinyoung spent the entire day in a semi-dazed state, like a person who just woke up from a deep sleep. In one instance, he even stared at Youngjae and asked him “You can see me?” when the younger was handing him his food. At a different time, he insisted that he saw Yugyeom fly.

Jaebum forced him to sit down after the third time Jinyoung asked someone if they could see him. “We’re staying in the city today. No one is going to hit the road until you gain your sanity back.” He firmly stated. “Listen. You’re not dreaming right now. We’re all real people.”

“Okay.” Jinyoung blinked at him with bleary eyes.

Jaebum sighed. “Jackson found a cheap motel in the middle of the city. Maybe we all simply need a good rest in a real bed.”

Jinyoung stayed silent for a few seconds and said in the lowest voice ever. “… I’m sorry for ruining the trip for everyone.”

He must have spoken too late, or too quietly, because Jaebum left without saying anything.

They were on their way to the motel when Jinyoung felt sudden sleepiness striking him. It was so intense but Jinyoung’s will to stay awake was equally strong – he was suspended between sleep and wakefulness, fighting hard to not fall asleep. He didn’t want to sleep yet. He didn’t want to see any of those frightening dreams.

Jinyoung managed to stay alert long enough to reach into his pocket and fished out the medicine bottle. The bottle seemed to be emptying faster than it used to but Jinyoung didn’t have time to notice it. He poured some pills into his hand and threw it into his mouth, not even bothering to count.

Pretty soon, the sleepiness dissipated and Jinyoung was awake.

But part of his mind was not.

The other six began to look past him again when they arrived in the motel. Jinyoung felt invisible and alone, desperately trying to wake up when he never remembered falling asleep. Jackson and Yugyeom’s laughs were unheard. Bambam and Yugyeom’s playful jokes no longer existed. Mark’s always warm gaze turned cold and distant.

And Jaebum became a shadow that Jinyoung couldn’t touch.

Jinyoung woke up to see himself drowning in a tank, darkness engulfing him as the others frantically tried to pull him out, but to no avail. He woke up again in the middle of wreckage, burning tires and broken pieces of metal. He closed his eyes, praying to wake up in the real world, and opened his eyes to see the others floating in the sky.

Why were the others flying but not him? Why was he the only one left out? Was it true that he was ruining the trip for everyone and they wanted to ditch him? To erase him from their life and act as if he never existed?

Jinyoung staggered on his feet, walking around with no sense of direction. The floor was falling beneath him and he heard a distinct humming sound in the distance – a few dings, a few rattles. Jaebum’s pet bird appeared beside him. Jinyoung wished that he could just trade places with the bird.

He was walking among the clouds. A voice was calling out to him, urging him to come closer. It was the boys. They wanted him to join them, to fly with them.

Jinyoung smiled happily. His boys are not abandoning him! He staggered towards the voice and tripped over a fence that seemed to appear out of nowhere – and suddenly he was flying.

Jackson flew past him while cackling loudly. Yugyeom and Bambam chased him. Youngjae was angelic as always, gliding through the sky smoothly with little to no effort. He saw Mark, smiling brightly and looking happier than ever as he welcomed Jinyoung to the sky. Jaebum grinned so hard that his eyes seemed to disappear, gliding closer and reaching out to Jinyoung.

Jinyoung closed his eyes and smiled.

For the first time in forever, he finally had a pleasant dream.

.

Jaebum was stirred awake as he heard the sound of a door closing. He stayed still for a couple minutes, thinking that Jinyoung probably just needed to use the bathroom. But five minutes went by and Jinyoung never returned to the bed.

He leapt off the bed quicker than he’d ever done before. Not bothering to put on a jacket or anything, he slammed the door open and looked around. The corridor was deserted. Jinyoung left the motel and heavens knew where he went. Jaebum contemplated waking everyone up to help him search for Jinyoung but time was ticking away – he already wasted five minutes on the bed. Jinyoung could be anywhere right now.

He must be lucky because he caught Jinyoung entering an open building right beside the motel – but he was also too slow to catch up with the younger male. The elevator door closed right in his face and Jaebum waited for the next elevator to arrive, praying to all higher being that Jinyoung wouldn’t go to where he feared – or at least that he could arrive there faster than Jinyoung. None of the higher beings answered his prayers. When he arrived at the highest floor of the building, the elevator Jinyoung used was already empty and he could hear the distinct sounds of someone stepping on iron stairs, heading to the rooftop.

Jaebum’s spine was ice cold as he raced across the corridor towards the stairs, hoping to catch Jinyoung before it was too late. He wished that time would just stay still – if he could take back the five minutes he spent not looking for Jinyoung earlier, he definitely would take it back and use every second to find the younger male and talk to him. He knew that something was wrong with Jinyoung since they arrived in the motel yesterday and Jaebum felt stupid for not acting on it quicker. He could’ve done something.

It was foggy and cold on the rooftop – white mist blocking his vision and Jaebum strained his eyes to find Jinyoung. The wind was blowing harshly. He saw Jinyoung walking slowly across the rooftop towards the edge. He screamed loudly, voice lost in the howling wind as he ran towards the younger male.

Jaebum threw himself onto the concrete, trying to grab Jinyoung before it’s too late.

But he was grabbing on empty air.

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well surprise. jinyoung dies. oops

if you have questions about the storyline or anything, don't hesitate to hmu in the comments! i'd be glad to explain :D

(also if you want to kill me for killing jinyoung, please do so in the comments lmao i love death threats ahaha)

stay positive and be careful around drugs, everyone

much love from me <3