The Smiling Santa : Christmases When You Were Mine
My Dearest Santa
“Lee Gikwang?” the lecturer calls out the name and my heart skips a beat when I hear his name. “Ah, right, he has been transferred last year. Looks like they haven’t removed his name from the absence list.”
After checking all students’ names, my lecturer starts the class. After around ninety minutes, the class is dismissed but all students haven’t stepped out yet because Yoon Soohee, the President of Student Council, is ready to announce something to us.
“Good morning, everyone,” Soohee greets us politely. “Today is 23 December and it’s our last day to study this year before the holiday start. I, representing the Student Council, just want to remind all of you that we will hold a special Christmas party so...”
I stop listening to Soohee because I know where this conversation is heading to. I plug my earphones and push the play button, letting random song to echo and block his sound from my hearing.
When he has finished his announcement, everyone stands up, leaving their seats one by one. I was ready to leave the classroom but Soohee already blocks my way, standing tall in front of me with threatening look.
“You’re not going to run away again this time,” he taps his fingers on the table while I avoid his eyes. “Valentine. White Day. School Anniversary. I slide those three events but not Christmas, Hain.”
“I’m not going to perform anything,” I state calmly, trying to push him away from my way. “It’s final, Soohee.”
“When will you stop thinking about him, Hain?” he asks, making me to stop my steps. “Lee Gikwang is not here anymore. He left you.”
I clench my fists, feeling my heart aches when Soohee mentions the fact I’m trying to deny. Even after a year, I still can’t get over my lingering feeling towards Gikwang.
Ignoring Soohee, I storm out from the classroom, heading straight to the rooftop of the building. It’s really cold up here but my heart is freezed already so I don’t want to bother about the cold weather. I heave a sigh and lean my back against the fence.
“Will you ever come back?” I murmur, touching the necklace I wear around my neck, the one Gikwang gave to me on my birthday last year. “I miss you, Gikwang... I miss you...”
I can’t believe it’s almost a year since Gikwang left me without any explanation. Everything was going smoothly; we even celebrated the New Year together. Everyone believed that we were meant to be together and I believed it as well.
Until one day, at the end of January, he left Seoul; he went to continue his study at New York. I would not be mad at him if he told me his decision before but, no, he didn’t say a word to me. I found out about it from his family who was really surprised because he didn’t tell me at all.
When I met him at the airport, he didn’t apologize to me.
He just smiled.
Even though I hugged him, asking him why he didn’t tell me about his departure, he only gave me a kiss on my forehead and smiled, telling me to take care of myself.
Yes, he didn’t say the ‘break up’ word but I think it’s obvious enough that he already left me. He didn’t even bother to tell me about his staying at New York. He didn’t even contact me at all even after a year has passed.
Ever since I refused to attend every event which had been held by Student Council. I was a part of music club along with Gikwang but now I refuse to go to the club because it will remind me of him; ironically the happy memories I shared with him are the ones which hurt me the most now.
Soohee assured me, telling me that I can’t waste my talent just because of a man. He wants me to show my talent because I’m really talented but I feel empty now when I play my guitar because Gikwang usually accompanied me with his sweet voice.
“What do two years of relationship mean to you, Lee Gikwang?” a tear rolls down on my cheeks as I remember him once again. “I love you... I still love you... Why did you leave me, Gikwang?”
❇❇❇❇❇
I stare at the banner of Christmas greeting, hanging on the door to the hall where the Christmas party is held. I don’t even know what I am doing here when I have decided I will not bother about music because it will remind me of my heartache.
It’s Christmas day and there is nothing I will do except waiting for the dinner time with my family. I used to have dinner with Gikwang’s family as well on Christmas but it’s only memory now.
I turn around, thinking that I must look like a ridiculous person while people are walking pass me, stepping inside the hall with bright smiles while I have the gloomy atmosphere.
Christmas should be the day I celebrate with joy; I know it. But if I remember that I used to spend the joyful Christmas days with Gikwang in the past two years, my heart aches real bad.
I abruptly stop my steps because someone who is dressing as Santa Clause blocks my way. He is wearing big red santa hat and white long beard. He hands over a red balloon to me with a smile; a smile that reminds me of Gikwang somehow.
“I don’t need it,” I hand it back to him but he shakes his head calmly. He turns around and gives away the other balloons to other students. I frown when I notice there is a piece of paper inside of the balloon.
I walk to a bench and sit down, trying to take the paper from the balloon after tearing the balloon carefully.
There is only a simple greeting of “Merry Christmas” written on the small piece of paper but I feel a tug in my heart because I recognize the handwriting immediately.
Gikwang wrote this.
I rush to find the Santa Clause once again but he is nowhere to be found. I look around but there is no one outside anymore because the Christmas party is going to start soon.
If he has returned, why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he say anything to me? Why did he disguise himself as Santa Clause? Why...
I stop questioning myself, realizing that I’m acting like a fool right now. I’m no one for Gikwang now so why should he bother to tell me anything? It’s nothing unusual for him to wear Santa Clause’s costume because he always loves to spread happiness whether it’s with music or not.
“Lee Gikwang...,” I murmur vividly, clenching my fists tight. “If you really hate me, don’t even bother to love me from the first...”
“Who told you that I hate you?”
I turn and see Gikwang is wearing white shirt and black pants with red santa hat on his head. He has his usual sincere smile while he walks closer to me, “Aren’t you going to perform tonight, Hain?”
My eyes widen in surprise. Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating because I really want to see him this bad? Is this real?
“Merry Christmas, Hain,” Gikwang mumbles without wiping off his smile. “Your hair is longer now but you’re skinnier now. Do you eat properly, Hain?”
My tears roll down as I try to say something to him. That smile is real; it’s his genuine smile that always reminds me that I love him. Even till this moment.
“Aigoo, Hain...,” he approaches me and wipes my tears with his thumbs gently. “Why are you crying? It’s Christmas today. Don’t cry, okay?”
I hit his chest rapidly with my fists, not knowing what kind of feeling I must feel now, “Why?! Why?! Why?! Why did you leave me?! If you don’t love me anymore, you just need to say it out loud, Lee Gikwang!”
I stop hitting him and bury my face on his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Gikwang my hair with his fingers, “Why do I need to say out loud the things I don’t want to say, Hain?”
I blink and pull away from him, looking at him with disbelief look. What does he mean?
“You left me because you don’t love me anymore, right?” I murmur, feeling unsure about what I should say now. “You don’t even contact me. You don’t even tell me about your departure. You...”
Gikwang caresses my cheek with his hand gently, still having his smile, “You haven’t checked your locker in music room, have you?”
My heart sinks immediately after his statement. Ever since he left, I never entered the music room again. Don’t tell me...
“I wrote a letter to you and I left it there. I was attending a special course at New York and I thought it’s a good chance for me to enhance my skill in music. The course was really hard but I managed to endure it,” Gikwang explains calmly. “Did you remember what I said to you when you met me at the airport?”
I frown, trying to remember his words, “Take care... of yourself?”
“And then?” Gikwang raises his eyebrow, waiting for me to continue remembering again.
“I’ll see you...,” I hesitate for seconds before murmur slowly, “...later?”
“That’s right,” he embraces my hands and kisses my forehead, “is that what people will say when they leave someone? Is that what people will say when they stop loving someone?”
I open my mouth to reply him but I can’t find the right word to say. He chuckles and cups my face with his hands, “I always love you, Hain. I will always love you.”
For the first time after almost a year, I let a sincere smile forms on my lips when he kisses my lips.
“Welcome back, my smiling santa.”
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