I want to die.

Not be put in the ground to raise daisies type of dead. But the type were i no longer care. It may sound strange but i wanna reach that point where i mean nothing. To noone. To myself.

The lonliness eats away at my heart. I know theres people who love me. Would take a bullet for me. But simply, i cant stand being around them i dont wanna break. My suga mask is what keeps me grounded, keeps me from snapping at my friends. Hurting my friends by showing them the real beast that rests beneath my skin.

My skin is too tight. The urge to loosen it constantly yelling at me from the back of my brain.

"What are you thinking about?" Jimins head rested on my shoulder. I inhaled his musky scent closing my eyes in satisfaction. "Nothing really" he looked up through those soft bangs and sighed "whats wrong?" I shook my head "im fine".

Jimin smiled and looked out at the trees surrounding the park. He started a new conversation about one of his funny experiences.

I wish for Jimin to probe futher into my mind, break my mask, learn all my secrets. But the subject change is better. At least hes happy i promised myself i would never bring him down.

A couple walked past, leaning heavily on one another. I grimaced. I could never have something like that, im too burdensome. The male sneezed then obnoxiously sniffed causing me to flinch harshly unsettling Jimin. My ears tuned into the heavy, dragging footsteps of the female causing my nails to start digging into Jimins palm.

"OWW STOP" Jimin yanked his hand away a hurt expression marring his beautiful features. "Ji..im..im sorry" my hands were shaking. Why do i always cause people pain? Tears started running down my face. I felt a pair of arms sureound me and I melted into Jimins embrace.

I want to die.

I want some doctor to lock me up in some padded room. I could live in blissful silence. I could hurt noone. My habit of self-destruction wouldnt matter. I could disapear and it wouldnt affect the people around me.

My mask. Suga as i like to call him is outgoing, happy, talkative. Yet he feels like a lie. My self. Yoongi, is depressed, scared, insecure, self-doubting, self-mutilating, hopeless. Sadely I understand Yoongi more.

My condition is incureable.

It gets worse as you get older.

Theres no way to properly avoid yout triggers.

Arnt doctors delightful. Note my obvious sarcasm. Theyre so brutally honest. Tell me lies. Give me a pill and say its the cure. Its all phsychological anyway.

A coctail of pills is what keeps me functioning. I cant even remember what half of them are for but i still consume them like a lifeline. I wonder what it would be like to take three times the recommended dose?

Jimin. Why do i always keep coming back to you? Are you really truly the only thing actually keeping me alive. Keeping that spark in my heart. Im just feigning innocence arnt i. Im too afraid that one day youll become sick of me and walk away. Leave me alone once again.

I tested myself once. I gave you a packet of chips. I sat there as you ate them. It drove me up the wall. "Yoongi? Why are you crying?" I furiously wiped my tears. I hate myself.

But in the end i keep coming back to your open arms. Absorbing your warmth hoping that one day I will be normal. At least you give me drive not only survive but also truly live. Follow my dreams you tell me ,while everyone else judges me purely on test scores.

Comparing me to others, saying i could do better. That i dont put enough effort in. Cant they see that im just trying to survive through the hell the noises put me through. Cant they see that everyday i lose a part of myself and i know that one day ill run out of parts to lose.

From the outside I look so disintrested. Some call it a swag attitude. Others call it lazy. Im just concentrating in keeping everything. Every feeling tightly under control. 

Only you Jimin have seen the true me. Iv broken down in your arms. Im sorry you had to waste all that time to make me feel better. But i felt loved. Thankyou. Thankyou so much.

Jimin. My heart is filled with you. 

But i have a question...

Hiw much of your heart is filled with me?