My eyes darted around the classroom, dammit! It's flu season again. I couldnt help myself as I flinched from the assaulting sound.

How do they do it? How do people ignore the piercing sound of a sniff that makes red flash momentarily behind my own eyes. How can they focus when persistant clicking eats away at their brains.

My hand rubbed my forehead harshly leaving a red mark which quickly faded. I couldnt think straight the sounds were coming from everywhere.

Sniffing

Clicking

Someone eating chewing gum~ oh how i hated the person who invented the fowl thing.

Continuous tapping of a foot sending tremurs up my chair

My throat was constricting, tears were coming to my eyes. Yet being so artfully tarined in the area i blinked them back.

"Yoongi?... MIN YOONGI!!!" I jumped as I heard my name be yelled out from the teacher staring straight at me annoyed "do some work instead of staring at the desk"

My hand tightened around my pen. I had to compose myself try to extinguish the fire roaring through my body. I wanted to scream, burst out crying, punch that stupid kid who doesnt know how to use a stupid tissue.

I tried to relax my body taking deep breaths. Fine if i cant leave ill fight. That kid sniffed again and i sniffed right back, somewhat it was habit now. Something that rested my hate slightly.

I hated myself for this, but mimicking.. it was the only way to express my feelings that i bottled up everyday. People wonder why i dont hang out with them... why im so 'lazy'. Its simply because i cant stand being around the noises... the ones that make me want to cry, i have failed test after test simply becayse the noises make my mind go blank with rage.

Profanities fill my mind and then fill me with regret and guilt... this isnt me.. its the noises that torment me everyday.

I told my mum, she never did anything.

I told my dad, he told me to get over it.

I told my long term friend, he laughed in my face.

Then finally i told you. I told you Jimin, you tried to understand. The reason I wanted to become a rock, it was more than a funny comment. It was me expressing my pain of living this life.

Sure I may not have the worst life, im healthy i functiom perfectly, im relatively smart. However, all i want to do is go to an outing and not arrive home crying from pent up emotions ones i had to endure when i talked to anyone. 

I flinch when they open their mouths with a smack, "my tounge just gets stuck behind my teeth". Bull. Mouths dont work that way, all you have to do is relax your mouth when you open it.

Close your mouth when youre eating. And you know I hate it, youre the first person i told, yet you betray me by 'pulling my leg' purposefully eating loudly in my ear.

But maybe its not on purpose, maybe its the cold, harsh rage inside me that tells me these lies. That mess with my emotioms to the point that I cry myself to sleep. Breaking that clock which drove me insane. 

That rage controls my life. I hate it. Its the reason i cant be with you Jimin, it's the reason i hate being around people so much.

Im afraid ill snap

Im afraid ill ruin everything.

Im afraid ill lose you.

Thats why I built my walls up further, why my skin burns, why i rub it raw every night. I had troubles in the past, the trauma of betrayl, loss and hurt. But now i go day to day hating ugg boots cause i cant stand the way they slide noisily across the floor.

The way thongs clap against the sole of feet.

The way i can hear the salavia move around in your mouth.

The way your mouth moves when you eat. I cant watch.

I cant stand the sounds, i cant stand myself. The hate it disgusts me. I wish I could be like you. Endure the sounds and not even bat an eyelid. Not get told everytime you confess your feelings to "get over it.

Thats the beauty of having a little known disorder.

No one understands.

They say they do. "I hate the sound of eating omg i have misophonia like you". No.. you dont. I want to physically pull my hair out. I want to endure pain tonstop thinking about the noises. I want to destroy the sources of the noise no matter how much i love that person.

Everyone always asks why im never there... why i always leave.. why i death stare... why i mimmick them... why i get irratable and why my mood changes so quickly... why im so quiet and secluded. Why im always somewhere else in my mind.

Its not me... its the noises they control me. They make me someone im not. Iv become someone im not to stop myself from breaking.

 

"Yoongi" Jimin says softly to me, I look over expectantly, "I think I understand, I dont find it stupid". I smiled more than i smiled in years finally someone understood something that to be honest i didnt fully undersrand myself. 

"I cant endure it anymore... sometimes i wish to be deaf" my eyes lowered to the ground and Jimin pulled me into a hug digging his nose into my green hair, kissing my scalp gently. "If you were deaf how would you listen to music?"

Yes, music the one sound in life, apart from Jimins voice, that i could actually tolerate, i become excited to hear it. By delving into that realm the reality and all the noises that come with it I no longer feel like crying, like tearing my ears of, like punching someone. 

At these moments im happy that I was human. A warm chest to lean on and sounds that I loved flooding my ears, if only it could always be like this.

But I know that soon im going to have to endure the sojnds of the real world once again and Jimin wont be by my side to reassure me, to make my anger dissipate.

Make the constant depression and emptiness from the sounds i fight against everday nothing more than a dull throb, no room in my heart for the darkness as its filled with him. With Jimin.

He is the only thing keeping sociable when all i want to do is forever stay in a place of blissful silence, where no noises can read me. Finally be free of the weights that hold me down.