A/N: published Feb 20 2016 @ AO3 and LJ. Written in lapslock.

---

there's something about the way donghyuk touches junhwe. he touches as if junhwe is a fragile thing, feather light touches trailing down his arm before he intertwines their fingers together. he hates it. hates how donghyuk touches him. hates that it makes him feel things he doesn't know how to react to, and he's stuck and confused and nobody can help him, because donghyuk himself is the problem. no, jinhwan hyung wouldn’t understand. at least, he doesn’t think so.

when donghyuk touches his hair and runs his fingers through it, junhwe's eyes flutter shut. it feels nice and junhwe feels like falling asleep, though his heart seems to go wild at the touch and he can't breathe.

"don't fall asleep." jinhwan says, and junhwe opens his eyes again. donghyuk giggles from beside him.

"you like it too much." donghyuk smiles.

"i'm sleepy." junhwe complains, and jinhwan rolls his eyes.

"we all are. shut up and don't fall asleep. hanbin will yell at you."

---

junhwe hates it when donghyuk laughs. free, unrestricted, sweet. addicting. junhwe wants to listen to it all day.

donghyuk laughs at chanwoo.

"aish!" chanwoo stomps his feet and pouts, and it's cute, and junhwe is jealous. he doesn't possess the same amount of cuteness donghyuk and chanwoo does.

donghyuk pinches chanwoo's cheeks. "you're cute."

later, at night, as junhwe falls asleep listening to donghyuk's steady breathing from the bed below him, he wonders how he'll ever get donghyuk to say those words to him. he's known donghyuk for longer than chanwoo has, yet it feels like donghyuk likes chanwoo more than him.

---

when junhwe searches his name on naver, donghyuk's name comes up with his. he hates it. he hates it so much he backspaces with as much aggression as he can muster up, and promptly clears his browser history. he sits and stares at his desktop after having closed the browser.

donghyuk has always told him that the fans liked them together. mentioned it once during win win game, even.

junhwe groans.

donghyuk is too different. if donghyuk is spring, junhwe is winter. donghyuk is bright, sunny, with the right amount of wind and pretty flowers around him, and he smells nice, like fresh cherry blossoms. junhwe is dark, cloudy, too much wind, too much white, too much ice, and cold to the touch.

donghyuk would never look at him.

---

when hanbin scolds junhwe, voice loud and fingers pointing at him accusingly, junhwe hangs his head low, biting his lips. he's close to tears because it's hanbin, it's always hanbin that he disappoints. it feels terrible, worse than disappointing anyone else, and he doesn't know why. because it's hanbin.

it's not the first time, but he always ends up upset and not talking to anyone (not even jinhwan) for days, and he ends up upsetting everyone else with him. it's terrible. but he tries his hardest not to take hanbin's scolding to heart, but he can’t help that he’s so sensitive.

"you look like you do it because you have to. i don't want that half-assed attitude. look at jinhwan hyung! look at donghyuk! look at chanwoo! look at how hard they've been practicing all day! you're disappointing everyone right now, not just me! think about that."

junhwe wants to run past hanbin and out the door. honestly, it sounds like such a good idea right now. his neck and cheeks heat up, and his ears has turned red. nobody has tried to step in. junhwe is more mortified of that fact.

whenever someone scolds chanwoo, someone always steps in and stops them. but junhwe? of course not. he's brave enough to stop it and defend himself, chanwoo isn't. but it still feels terrible as hanbin continues with his scolding and it hurts junhwe, and nobody has felt that it was necessary to stop hanbin.

"are you even listening?!" hanbin yells.

"yes, hyung." he keeps his voice steady.

"see? this is why you ..."

and junhwe shuts hanbin's voice out. he closes his eyes and his chest tightens, his eyes sting. he wants to run. why does he care so much about what hanbin says?

"hyung, stop it."

junhwe opens his eyes. it's donghyuk. he keeps looking down at the floor.

"why?" hanbin asks, challenging donghyuk.

"he gets it, okay?" donghyuk puts a hand on junhwe's shoulder, but junhwe pushes him away on instinct. he regrets it immediately when donghyuk steps away, frowning at the loss of donghyuk's careful touch.

he fast walks past everyone and out the door.

he hates it when donghyuk pretends to care about him.

---

"junhwe--"

junhwe throws a nearby jacket out towards the direction of the voice, face buried in pillows. it hurts like hell, and he doesn't need donghyuk looming over him, filled to the brim with worry.

"you okay?"

"go away."

junhwe mumbles into his pillows, pulling his blankets up over his head. he's angry at himself.

"i'm not here to make you feel worse, or anything."

"you're already making me feel worse."

sometimes junhwe wishes he can filter his mouth.

"oh," donghyuk's disappointment is clear in his voice, and junhwe wants to hit himself for driving donghyuk away. "sorry."

junhwe hates himself.

---

hanbin never apologizes, and junhwe is fine with that. he's been through this so many times. it's just donghyuk he can't stand, constantly pretending like he cares about junhwe's well-being.

donghyuk cares, sure. for other people, not for junhwe. junhwe has always been too cold for the warm donghyuk.

when donghyuk pushes his plate towards junhwe, he pushes it back, a frown on his face.

"you have to eat."

"i don't want to."

donghyuk frowns. junhwe hates it when he frowns. he hates everything donghyuk does. he hates donghyuk in general.

"why not?"

"just because." junhwe gets up from his seat and walks away, leaving 6 confused boys staring at his retreating back. he hears jinhwan whisper to hanbin.

"apologize." he whispers.

but hanbin isn't even the problem.

---

"i'm sorry." hanbin says.

"it's fine."

"you wouldn't talk to anyone."

"i feel like not talking."

junhwe continues sorting out the laundry, separating his from donghyuk's and hanbin's. he lets donghyuk have one of his sweaters, putting it in donghyuk's pile.

"i know you're upset."

"who doesn't know? honestly, at this point everyone is just tired of me aren't they?" junhwe slams his shirts down onto his pile, a frown on his face, and hanbin sighs.

"i'm sorry, okay?" hanbin offers, but junhwe only nods.

"i know."

"so why are you being like this?" hanbin asks.

"are you gonna scold me again? i get it, okay, i'm upsetting everyone." junhwe spits out, and hanbin sighs.

"okay. okay. i'm sorry."

hanbin stands up and picks his pile up from the ground, storing it in the wardrobe. he sighs, looking at junhwe.

"if you ever need anything. just talk."

but can he really talk about it?

---

junhwe really hates it when donghyuk confesses his love to yunhyeong, or the other way around. it's annoying. he's starting to hate yunhyeong for doing it. he hates donghyuk even more for accepting it. he doesn't know why he feels this way, and he's confused. lost at what to do. he wants to make it stop.

"junhwe?" yunhyeong puts a hand on junhwe's shoulder, and junhwe shrugs him off.

"are you still angry at hanbin?"

junhwe shakes his head, and scoots away. yunhyeong tries to move closer, but frowns, eyebrows furrowed when junhwe scoots even further.

"what's wrong, junhwe? talk to me." yunhyeong says, but junhwe only stares at him.

he doesn't want to hate people, but he can't help it.

---

"what is wrong with you?!" donghyuk frowns, and junhwe only stabs at his food. this is the 5th person junhwe has driven away from the dining table. now only the both of them are left, staring at each other over a huge plate of fried rice.

junhwe squints. "nothing."

"nothing?" donghyuk scoffs. "you've been driving away everyone on this table who tried to talk to me."

"i didn't." junhwe defends himself.

"junhwe. what is wrong with you?! do you need to talk? do you need something? what do you want me to do?! say something!"

"i don't need anything, okay!" junhwe slams his fork down, and it makes a loud clanging noise against the plate.

for a while, they say nothing. donghyuk looks at junhwe and sighs.

"you're really not gonna say anything, huh?"

"what am i supposed to say?"

"i'm sorry. i don't know why i thought--" donghyuk sighs, long and tired, before picking up his plate and junhwe's.

"i'll be washing the dishes."

junhwe leaves the table and goes straight to sleep, upset and tired.

---

chanwoo brushes junhwe's hair, long fingers weaving between his silky brown-ish hair. junhwe is half asleep, eyes focused on the game he's playing.

junhwe starts to realize that it feels different when chanwoo does this. when donghyuk does it, his heart beats in 3 different ways. when chanwoo does it, he just feels affectionate towards the maknae.

"are you okay?" chanwoo asks junhwe, voice laced with concern when junhwe only stares at his game.

"i'm okay." junhwe shrugs, leaning his head back against the couch.

chanwoo doesn't say anything. he removes his hand from junhwe's hair and steals his ipad. junhwe's hands fall down, limp on his lap, and chanwoo doesn't play with his ipad--he locks it and sets it aside instead.

"are you sleepy?" chanwoo has always been caring towards everyone. a soft boy with a soft heart. junhwe wishes he can be more like affectionate chanwoo--lovely and sweet, soft and warm. a maknae that he never was.

"kinda," junhwe yawns. "why?"

"nothing. it doesn't seem like you've been feeling good lately."

"really? is it that obvious?" junhwe quietly asks, rubbing his eyes. chanwoo hums and nods.

"i don't know if it has anything to do with what happened a few days ago, but..." chanwoo looks at junhwe with this look junhwe can't really pinpoint, and then junhwe shakes his head.

"i don't know. i don't know what's going on in my own mind."

junhwe wishes donghyuk is here right now instead of chanwoo.

---

"goo junhwe." donghyuk sighs exasperatedly, looking at junhwe, while junhwe is lying down on the floor of the practice room.

"what."

"get up."

junhwe closes his eyes instead.

"talk to me," donghyuk says.

"why should i? you're angry at me," junhwe mumbles, and donghyuk pulls him up with all his strength. junhwe cracks an eye open once he's stood in front of donghyuk.

donghyuk crowds in on junhwe, and junhwe stupidly backs up against the glass. he's stuck between the glass and donghyuk now.

"what do you want?" junhwe asks, trying to sound (and look) bored and intimidating.

obviously, donghyuk is much more intimidating than junhwe right now.

"are you that stupid? are you just dense?"

junhwe raises an eyebrow. "what?"

"how long will you keep hurting yourself like this?"

"what are you talking about?"

"junhwe, do you really have nothing to say to me?"

junhwe sighs. "this again?"

"you're stupid. you're honestly clueless, aren't you?" donghyuk suddenly smiles, amused, and he shakes his head. "wow. i've never met someone as stupid as you."

"what's that supposed to mean?" junhwe huffs. "go away if all you want to do is mock me because you're obviously smarter than me, aren't you?"

donghyuk laughs even louder. "that's not what i meant!"

"then what do you mean?"

"you like me, don't you?"

junhwe freezes. donghyuk is still smiling, but when junhwe stays quiet and doesn't reply for a minute, donghyuk's face falls.

"oh. well, i guess that was a stretch. i don't know why i thought--"

"of course i like you."

"yeah, of course you do, as a friend probably, but that's not what i meant--"

junhwe frowns. "i like you. i really like you."

donghyuk raises an eyebrow. "really?"

"i don't know. do i like you that way? i don't know what i'm supposed to feel. i just really hate the way you make my heart beat and--"

"listen, can i kiss you? because i really wanna kiss you right now."

"sure?" before junhwe can really process what he's just said, donghyuk's lips are on his, hungry as he bites and nibbles on junhwe's lower lip.

"wow," junhwe gasps when they part for air. "i really liked that. can i kiss you again?"

donghyuk laughs. "yeah. so you like me, huh?"

"i guess i do."