For Jongin, love came by softly, like a silent rain, like a miracle that spanned ages, like sparklers that people hold forgotten in their hands while staring up at the fireworks that burn the night sky.

“Do people really know what it means to love? Or is it just like God and other things. Something we made too big for ourselves to handle.”

“Hyung…”

“Sorry, Chanyeol was right eh? I do scare people with my strange serious thoughts.”

Jongin’s heart squeezed enough to choke him a bit. He never knew that a smile could be so lonely. He was just passing by on his own merry way with not a thought other than dinner on mind. It was lightly drizzling and the gloomy weather had pushed almost everyone indoor. But a figure in dark jeans and a white sweater was walking around unmindful of the wetness in the air. If Jongin had not noticed who it was, perhaps he wouldn’t have given a second thought and moved on. But the dark blond hair was unmistakable and Joonmyun had always been kind to him. He had opened his red umbrella and ran down the steps into the tiny garden. He had wanted to ask the senior if he wished to share the umbrella on their way out. He had called out against the drip-drops of the rain expecting the usual dazzling smile, but what had greeted him was a face that looked suspiciously wetter than he expected. He did get a smile but this one didn’t match the redness of Joonmyun’s eyes. For some reason, that look had hurt more than his over strained knees.

“Some people are only meant to try Jongin. They must try and try and try and fail just so that someone else gets their miracle. It’s not a bad thing you know. In a way it’s being special in a special way.”

“I am sorry hyung.”

“I am not.”

“Hyung…”

“I would rather it be me than anyone else. I wouldn’t want this for anyone else.”

Jongin couldn’t hold his tears.

“Don’t cry Jongin-ah. I am good at so many other things. I will find something else to do. What if it had been the Chinese kids? Imagine leaving your family and friends and living in a foreign country for years only to be told that you didn’t make it.”

“Why do you always think of others hyung?”

“Because it makes me feel happier than thinking about myself.”

For every trainee who makes it big, there are a hundreds who don’t make it. Jongin used to wonder how they survive until he saw someone not only survive but live life better than he could manage. He had never been close to Joonmyun until they stopped meeting each other in the hallways. For some reason, Joonmyun became his shelter in the storm. Phone calls would be filled with bad jokes and dumb renditions of Exo’s songs. But unlike on stage, Jongin needn’t strain to hit a pitch he couldn’t reach or hold his breath in the right places. Somehow he was happier singing those songs with Joonmyun over poor network connection than on stage in front of a million who worshipped him.

Over the years, Joonmyun had learnt Japanese, became an over worked office worker, then quit and became a small sports shop owner, and had fallen in love 7 times with the love fizzling out like soda fizz each time. It was heart breaking for Jongin to again and again see that lonely smile he had seen for the first time all those years ago in the rain. But Joonmyun lived. He got up, dusted himself and smiled again and again for Jongin. While Jongin himself stood still. He stood at the age they asked him to stand, he stood on stage for other people to admire, put his life on hold to be something he doubted he wanted. But he didn’t know what he did want, so he stood still.

“Hyung, please don’t fall in love again. It hurts to see you like this.”

“Jongin-ah, how many people have rejected me.”

“Hyung…”

“Come on, how many times?”

“Eight”

“There are more than eight billion people in this world Jongin. Why should I stop with just eight? Besides if I don’t try, the one person who loves me the most will stop too.”

“Who is that?”

“Me. If I don’t love myself who else will? “

“Hyung, you are crazy. Why do you love yourself?”

“Because I am strong enough to love again and again. I am good enough to be kind to others. But most importantly, the way I am is enough for you to be my friend for all these years.”  

Jongin was surprised that day when he felt a faint flicker of sadness when Joonmyun didn’t mention Jongin himself as the person who loved the other the most. But tours and promos happened and days went by. He pretended to be friends with his band mates more than he really was. He pretended to cry on stage when inside he felt plain weary. He pretended to love his fans, he pretended to be hurt, he pretended to be ok, he pretended to be happy, he pretended to be cute, he pretended to be innocent... His life was so much pretending that one time he forgot that he needn’t pretend with Joonmyun. They had met for lunch after an exhausting comeback and he had pretended to be a celebrity. He had kept on signing autographs and waving at the fans that recognized him. He didn’t notice until Joonmyun had given him a sad smile and stood up packing his heavy laptop bag. He couldn’t turn off the pretending until he had gone home and paced restless in his room. But when his phone flickered with a message that read, ‘you look exhausted, please rest well. Let me know if you need me’ he lost it. The ‘if’ that had replaced the ‘when’, shook him up. He had frantically tried to make a phone call but his numb fingers shook hard before he choked on his own breath. He had ended up in the hospital and was sent home for a month to recover. It was tough to hold on and not slide down the darkest pits of depression, but a pair of hands two times smaller than his but surprisingly strong held his safe and protected until he could stand on his own.

“Hyung, will you come to see me on stage this time.”

“Jongin-ah…”

“Please hyung.”

“You know why I don’t come to your shows Jongin. I… I can’t face it Jongin, it still hurts.”

“Hyung… I am begging you, please”

“Ah, are you crying? Jongin, why do you want me there?”

“Because I don’t want to be alone there… please hyung.”

“

Joonmyun had come. He had stood on the far right of the stadium with a placard of Jongin’s name that had stupid flowers hand-drawn all around it in glitter. Jongin found him immediately because in the sea of signs for Kai, that placard was one of the few done with love for Jongin. The following week thousands of fans had commented on how Jongin had been on fire that day. Someone mentioned that he kept looking at one corner of the stadium often, but in true KPOP fashion it was all forgotten.

Over the years bands disbanded and KPOP idols were born and killed on the same stages. As for the idols themselves, some lost themselves, some fought tooth and nail to stay on, some gave up and some killed themselves. But a few made it out intact. Jongin was one of the lucky few; his face untouched by knives, heart safely protected by his hyung and mind unmarred by fear, he made it to the other side of life and lived. On stage, his fans used to call him “Lonely Angel”. In the end, he was anything but.

“Hyung, please fall in love with me”

“Nope”

“Hyuuuunnnng”

“Idiot, I have always been in love with you.”