6:16AM

--

Chanyeol didn’t anticipate the words ‘I’m pregnant’ to go past Baekhyun’s pretty lips.

Well, he expected it. But he didn’t anticipate it—although synonymous, the two words have different meanings, and, as soon as Chanyeol heard it, he snuffs out his cigarette on the table.

Silence.

“I didn’t know you smoke.” Baekhyun says softly, holding the cloth against his head. It’s stopped bleeding and it’ll turn into a scab, but he’ll never forget the pain of hitting the side of the table as Junmyeon punched him. Chanyeol drinks from a glass of water, and the taste of watered smoke and ash fills his throat.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol nods subtly. “Sehun says it makes me look cool.”

“Smoking doesn’t really make anyone look cooler.”

“Yeah, well,” Chanyeol rocks back on the bed, the mattress creaking slightly with his weight. “I didn’t make any new friends until I smoked.”

Chanyeol sighs, before he got up. He sits next to Baekhyun and, by instinct, he reaches for Baekhyun’s hand. Nimble things, his hands were, and Chanyeol takes them in his rough, scabby ones, thumbing his knuckles soothingly.

“Why are you here, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol breathes out. “Why are you here?”

Baekhyun swallows again, and Chanyeol could feel his nervousness. He sits a little closer, and Chanyeol could feel Baekhyun’s finger tracing his jaw. He pulls slightly on the back of Chanyeol’s neck, and they both kissed for a while, the silence turning comfortable. Chanyeol’s eyes were closed and he’s sure that his own mouth tasted of burnt ash and alcohol, but Baekhyun keeps kissing him anyhow, and it feels dreamily sweet.

Baekhyun pulls away first, but he moves closer to Chanyeol. Their hands are kept held, and Chanyeol’s supposed to be happy about it—but all his mind could conjure up with was worry, and, for the first time, he’s not worrying about himself.

“… I… really thought Junmyeon loved me.” Baekhyun says softly. “And I thought it could… work out, as a… replacement for you when I found out about my feelings.”

Baekhyun twines his fingers with Chanyeol.

Chanyeol stays quiet.

“Remember about my parents moving away for job promotion? Junmyeon’s father’s company hired them. And… I… really missed you, Chanyeol. I’d started dating Junmyeon to forget about you.”

Baekhyun laughs sadly. “Sounds like such a bad ing soap opera… my parents didn’t like the idea either. But Junmyeon’s promised security for my parents’ jobs, and he’s the son of the CEO, bastard or not. I’m okay with breaking away from him, but—“

Baekhyun falls into sobs.

“Jesus , Chanyeol, I’m ing twenty-two, I’m not ready to have a kid yet.” the tears spill, and Chanyeol didn’t know what to do. Usually it was Chanyeol who cried—he, the big lump, taller than the mountains and capable to knock down a planet, he’s usually the one who does the crying whilst Baekhyun comforts him supportively. He’s not taught to comfort people—he’d grew up being comforted, and the least he could do was rub Baekhyun’s back and held him whilst he cried.

“He beats me around the bush too, and I’m just—“ Baekhyun takes a gulp of air. “—god, Chanyeol, what have I done?”

“A lot of reckless things.” Chanyeol grunts. “A lot of stupid, reckless things.”

Chanyeol pulls him into a hug—and, unlike their highschool years, Baekhyun actually sidles in closer for him, and Chanyeol had always felt so safe in warm, and Baekhyun had always been scared to rely on that warmth. But he’s brave, now, and he’s held by Chanyeol’s strong arms.

“What do I do now, Chanyeol?” he whispered. “What do I do?”

“… I don’t… I don’t know.” Chanyeol answers honestly. He swallows. “I don’t know.”

Baekhyun sniffles. He lies down on Chanyeol’s lap, the uninjured side of his face resting against his thighs. He didn’t mind when Chanyeol proceeds to run his long fingers through his hair or reach for his hands and rub his knuckles. All of this—he realises—Chanyeol had been dying to do with him, and Baekhyun was stupidly blind and oblivious. It was fun at first—with Junmyeon—but he wasn’t being realistic. Chanyeol was all he needed and he was so blind to it.

“… I’ve always thought about having a family.” Baekhyun mumbles, and Chanyeol’s throat hitches a breath. “… But I never thought of—I’m… I’m just not ready. I… I’m just… the thought of killing a human being inside me—“

Yeah, my mother had no hesitations to kill me when I was in her stomach but the abortion kinda failed and I’m sort of a mistake, Chanyeol wanted to quip. But he wasn’t one to give advice—after all, he wasn’t the one who’s pregnant. He has no say. He was no father of the baby, either.

“… Think of it this way,” Chanyeol gulps. “If—you ever—want to… to abort it…”

He swallows thickly.

“You’re doing some good. For the baby.” Chanyeol says, and he speaks quickly as Baekhyun’s face contorts to horror. “—because, well, it’s going to grow up and you’re not going to cope with it and it’s going to be neglected. So you’re… doing it a save, right?”

Oh, Jesus, please don’t think of it the wrong way, Chanyeol cringes, but Baekhyun unexpectedly nods understandingly.

“… I guess.” Baekhyun gulps. “I guess… but I…”

He breathes out.

--

Chanyeol vaguely remembers Baekhyun knocking up on his door at 2:45AM in the morning, screaming hysterically about killing someone innocent. Chanyeol had stumbled not only because the information was cold water to his sleepy brain, and he stops freaking out when Baekhyun embraces him and started babbling about the former life that resided in his stomach—it’s gone.

He had a miscarriage.

Yes, the father of the child might’ve been a complete bastard. But Baekhyun blamed himself. Baekhyun blamed himself of trying to convince himself that he still loves Junmyeon, he still stood a chance with Junmyeon despite the former man beating him up a few times a week. Baekhyun blamed himself for neglecting his own health—maybe there was something, something he could do, something he could fix along the way…

So they stood there in the doorway, embracing each other until 4:34AM, and they haven’t moved. Baekhyun’s still crying. Chanyeol’s still unsure on what to do.

It’s all one big mess and it’s about time Chanyeol realises that he can’t run away from everything.

--

“I’m moving out.” Baekhyun mumbles.

“Again?” Chanyeol looks up from his ramen. Baekhyun nods, but, unlike his last departure, he’s cracked a smile. Chanyeol notes that it’s his first smile for the first time in the few weeks after his miscarriage.

“Yeah. Just into another college, though. The other side of town.” Baekhyun smooths the quilt on Chanyeol’s bed. “… So we can still see each other. I suppose… I just… need a clean slate and all, what, with Junmyeon trailing on my back.”

Chanyeol winces at the visible bruise on Baekhyun’s left side of his jaw, still fresh from last night. Chanyeol had learned to blast his ‘-off’ vibes so that the bikers would scurry away the instant they see him, but, alas, Junmyeon was stubborn and he was unforgiving of Baekhyun taking someone else’s side other than his.

“What do you mean ‘see each other’? Thought you were pretty much dying to get rid of me.” Chanyeol sourly jokes, but it comes out more bitter than he’d expected it to be. Baekhyun flinches but he sighs, crawling onto the bed. He traps Chanyeol’s waist between his legs and hug him from behind, burying his nose in Chanyeol’s musky-smelling hair, before breathing onto his neck.

“I’m sorry, okay? I was stupid.” Baekhyun mumbled. “Plus… we’d been friends for eight years. It’s time to re-pick it back up, don’t you think?”

“But I barely know you.” Chanyeol frowns, scooting to turn around so that he’d face Baekhyun. The latter his head.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I barely know you. Post-highschool Baekhyun. The now Byun Baekhyun.” Chanyeol says, and he flicks away Baekhyun’s bangs. Baekhyun slowly exhales, hesitating a little before he reaches up to kiss Chanyeol’s lips. He pecks gently before he pulls back, twirling Chanyeol’s hoodie string in his fingers.

“Why don’t we restart?” Baekhyun offers. “How about we begin again?”

He offers his hand.

“I’m Byun Baekhyun.” He says—and, god, Chanyeol misses that sweet smile, and the familiar grin that spread on Baekhyun’s face was unmistakeable. And he takes Baekhyun’s smaller hands in his own rough ones and he shakes it earnestly.

“I’m Park Chanyeol.” He manages with a slightly gravelly voice, but he knows today’s not the time for crying.

--

So what does this make us? Chanyeol thought as he feels Baekhyun’s lips on his again. He prods his mouth with his tongue and Chanyeol frowns a little whilst they kissed. And he scowls into Baekhyun’s mouth because his thoughts had a tendency to turn negative—what if I’m just a replacement for Junmyeon? What if it’s another fling? What if he’s going to change again?

“What’s wrong? You’ve been brooding again lately.” Baekhyun sighs, parting away. They’re in a park just a few blocks away from Baekhyun’s dorm, and thirty miles away from Chanyeol’s own college. Chanyeol’s free for the weekends and he’d decided to pay Baekhyun a visit—or, ‘pick the pieces back up again’ as the latter said it, and they’re spending some quality time around the park. But Chanyeol’s feeling anxious again and Baekhyun was overtly curious about it.

“What are we?” Chanyeol blurted out.

“Homo sapiens.”

“Jesus, smartass—“ Chanyeol sighed. “I mean, what are we, as in, relationship status? You’ve been kissing me and we both now I’m head-over-heels attracted to you and we’re both, what, gay, but I need to know if this is a fling or this is a confirmed valid and very gay relationship or you just want something to kiss.”

Baekhyun rests his elbow on his knee and cups his chin in one hand, amused. He looks at Chanyeol sideways, tilting his head.

“You’ve changed a lot.” Baekhyun smiles. “In a good way. You’re speaking a lot more.”

“You’re not answering the question!”

“If only you voice out your opinion more, though.” Baekhyun kicks the dirt, rocking back and forth. “That’d be brilliant.”

Chanyeol groans, grabbing Baekhyun’s collar. His face is red and he looks angrier than anything.

“Is—is that how you want to play it? You want me to voice what I want? Fine—fine, I’ll just—I’ll just say it, then!”

“Say it, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun laughs, seemingly mockingly. Chanyeol snarls and grips his jacket tighter, puffing, gritting his teeth before the words spilled out of his mouth.

“G… G-Go out with me.” Chanyeol mumbles defeatedly.

Baekhyun roars with laughter, slapping his knees. He was shaking so much from his laughter than he fell off the bench that they were sitting in, thumping the ground with his fist whilst he fell into peals and peals of laughter. Chanyeol hid his face behind his hands, beyond embarrassed.

“C-C’mon, Baek, i-it’s not funny!” Chanyeol groans. It took a while before Baekhyun managed to calm down, but he was still chortling, tears pooling in his eyes from laughing too much. Chanyeol crossed his arms, pretending to be broody