autophobia

(n.) fear of being alone or abandoned

 

Silence. Silence was all he heard, as ironic as it is. His bed didn’t feel as soft or as comfortable as he remembers it to be. It was hard, solid and cold.

Mark cracks his eyes open and is immediately blinded by the abundance of white. Sitting up, he realises that he was no longer in his room, on his soft comfortable bed. He looks around, confused, wondering how he got there.

Everything was nothing but white. Mark couldn’t even tell which was the floor or which was the wall. There was no end. He thinks, no, he knows that this was all a dream. There was no such white room in the orphanage.

Yet it all seemed so sickeningly real. Slightly panicking, he hops up onto his feet, shaking off the numb feeling in his limbs.

Mark begins to walk around aimlessly with his palms faced out in front of him, just in case he walks into a non-existent wall.

He’s been walking for minutes. Maybe hours. He doesn’t know, but no matter how much he’s been walking, it was all the same - white.

The “room” was endless, but he feels trapped.

He shuts his eyes tightly and screams, pinching himself in the arm in attempt to wake up from this dream? Nightmare?

Purple was starting to form on his arm, but he was still there, in that blank white room.

Huffing, Mark grudgingly seats himself down in the middle of nowhere (quite literally). Hugging his knees, he starts to sing to himself. He decides that hearing his own cracking voice is better than hearing nothing.

He is about to go into the bridge of his third song when he suddenly hears a soft, familiar whisper of his name.

Minhyung ah.

Abruptly standing up, he looks around with widened eyes. Ears perked up in case he was just imagining things.

Minhyung ah.

“W-Who’s there?” He asks.

Minhyung ah. Lee Minhyung.

“Mom?” He thinks it’s his mother. No one else ever calls him Minhyung that way. “Mom is that you?”

The voice doesn’t reply. It simply continues to call the boy by his Korean name.

Frustrated, Mark tries to find the source of the voice. He runs around the empty white room for what seemed to be like ages, and when he thinks the voice was getting louder with every step, he begins walking in that direction.

He walks and walks and walks.

The voice calling his name slowly getting louder and louder until there’s a ringing in his ear.

MINHYUNG AH!

The voice suddenly calls him in a shrill scream. Shocked and terrified, Mark cups his ears and squeezes his eyes shut.

When he thinks the voice has stopped, he opens his eyes again for the nth time, silently hoping that he would somehow wake up back in his room at the orphanage. But no, he was still there. 

Whoever was playing with his mind clearly wasn’t done with him yet, because when he opens his eyes again, he is suddenly faced with an all too familiar brown mahogany door.

As elated as he was to finally see something after a ridiculously long time in that white room, Mark knows it wasn’t over. There was the numb and tingly feeling running down his spine telling him that.

Not wasting any time, Mark grips the silver knob and swings the door open. Stepping into what he knows to be the empty hallways of the third level of the orphanage, he calls out names he’s been too used to saying.

“Donghyuck? Jaemin? Jeno? Ren Jun? Chen Le? Jisung?”

No answer.

“Where are you guys? Anyone?”

Still no answer.

He even tries calling out to Henry and the other caretakers, but to no avail. The hallways were so dimly lit and unusually quiet that it felt so eerie and cold. It looked a hundred percent like the orphanage, yet it wasn’t as warm or as homey as he knows it to be.

Shuffling through the hallways, Mark continues to call out for his friends as he kicks open the doors to every single room, only for each and every one of them to be dark and empty. Even their huge shared room on the fourth floor.

Slouching on the steps of the fourth floor, Mark gives up. He rubs his temples, unsure of what else to do. Honestly the only thing he can do now is to sit and wait for this dream to end.

He is about to sing to himself again, however, when he hears the voices again. But this time it was different. It was another voice belonging to another special person. It was Donghyuck’s voice, and it sounded as if it was coming from the front door.

Mark!

“Donghyuck?”

Mark!

“Hold on I’m coming!” Mark runs down the stairs, nearly tripping and falling flat onto his face.

Mark!

He smiles to himself as he skips down because he was confident. He was so confident that this time, it was real. The sound of Donghyuck calling for him sounded exactly like how he would, minus the sass of course. He imagines the younger boy standing by the front door, eating grin plastered on his face.

Mark!

He was just two flights of steps away from the ground level when the voice stops. Agitated, Mark gives no s a dashes downstairs, skipping a number of steps on the way.

He was half unsurprised when he reaches the front hall and there is no one. He sighs and laughs at his stupidity, but his eyes catch a piece of paper stuck onto the middle of the front door.

He tears it off the brown door and in large bright red block letters, the paper reads.

2/8/2017 Final Eviction Notice

Mark widens his eyes. Countless questions running through his mind. What year is it?! Why is the house being evicted?! And on the day I turn eighteen?! Where is everyone else?!

He panics and continues to frantically shout for his friends, his family, his home. It was gone, all gone. And poor little Mark didn’t know what else to do but curl up into a ball on the ground, tears threatening to spill down his face.

No no no, I’m not alone. No. It’s a bad dream, Mark. Just a bad dream. Oh please just let me wake up now, please.

Mark is cradling back and forth on the ground in self comfort when another slip of paper slides in front of him from the crack beneath the front door. He wants to run out and chase whoever it was outside but his name scribbled on the top of the paper stops him.

Lee Minhyung, Mark

Date Of Birth: 2/8/1999

Mother: Deceased

Father: Deceased

Siblings: None

Next Of Kin: None

Legal Guardian: None

Education: None

He shakily reads on every single word printed on the paper. He tells himself that everything written was false. His parents being dead was a lie. The only thing that seemed right to him was his name and birthdate.

He flips over the now crumpled paper, hoping to find any information about his beloved friends, but he finds something else. 

He finds a note written to himself, but he doesn’t know who wrote it.

You’re all alone now, Mark. You can’t run away from it. You will always be all alone. Always have and always will be. Everyone has left you here, no one wants you. You’re stuck here forever. Even if you try to leave this place, you have nowhere to go. You’re lost and abandoned. 

You’re all alone.

“No,” Mark shakily whispers to himself, rubbing his tear stained cheeks with the back of his free hand. “I’m not alone.”

Yes you are.

The voice comes back, and it’s Donghyuck’s voice again.

You will always be alone, Mark.

“No… No no no, I’m not alone!”

Yes you are, Mark.

It was Jaemin’s voice this time, he recognises, but it wasn't as bright and cheeky as he remembers it to be. Instead it was cold and harsh, forcefully telling him how lonely he was.

No one loves you, Mark. No one.

Everyone has left you, Mark. We’ve left you.

You’re alone. Always alone.

More voices join in the torture, poking fun at him. What’s worse was that those voices were of those he cared about the most - Donghyuck, Jaemin, Jeno, Ren Jun, Chen Le, Jisung and Henry. Even voices of his mother began tormenting him with those spiteful words.

You’re alone.

Alone.

Alone.

“No, please stop!” Mark cries out. Hands pressed so tightly against his ears in fruitless attempts to block out the voices. “STOP!”

Falling to the floor, he screams. He shuts his eyes and screams, but the voices were just getting louder and louder.

You’re alone.

-

Mark woke up screaming that morning, effectively pulling the other boys out of their slumber. Opening his bloodshot eyes, he is faced by worry written all over six familiar faces. He wants to hug them in happiness knowing that they were still there with him, but he didn’t want to seem like a weirdo or anything.

(And also he didn’t wish to tell them about his fear of being alone as such, he’s sure they’d for being so child-like.)

“It was just a bad dream guys, don’t worry.” He assures them. “I was just being chased by zombies haha.”

They seemed to buy his excuse, though, even playfully discussing about the zombies that were supposedly in Mark’s dream. Donghyuck doesn’t believe him however, instead he continued staring at the older in question.

“Didn’t seem like just a bad dream to me,” Donghyuck asks quietly when they were alone. “You sure it was zombies?”

Mark sighs. He wants to tell him that yes it was just a bad dream about the undead but he knows he can’t lie around the younger boy.

“It’s just,” He starts, hesitating. He wonders if it was fine to tell Donghyuck everything, his fears and insecurities. And so he does. “I dreamt that everyone I cared about left me behind and I was continuously reminded about being unwanted and forever alone.”

Mark avoids eye contact with the younger, not wanting to look vulnerable.

Donghyuck feels his heart swell a little at Mark voluntarily giving in to telling him about his deepest worries. He smiles when he realises that the older wasn’t that much of a stubborn control freak with a stick up his . He assumes he was just a worrying young boy who loved his friends too much. 

It’s quite endearing, he thinks.

Mark tenses up when Donghyuck scoots closer to him and wraps his arms rather warmly around his frame. He could even feel his hand rubbing circles in comfort on his back. 

His cheeks redden at the skinship and thanks the heavens that no one else was in the room.

“It’s okay to be scared, Mark.” Donghyuck whispers soothingly, which felt a little weird because they’re never had such a serious conversation like this before. “Like I said before, remember? You’re not alone.”

Mark huffs, blowing his fringe out of his face. He can only wish that he would really believe in Donghyuck’s words.

Breaking the hug, Donghyuck holds the older by his shoulders and gives him a wide smile that could pass off as a little creepy.

“What?” Mark asks, confused.

“You opened up to me again!” Donghyuck says excitedly, wiggling his eyebrows. “This is good progress for our relationship!”

“Ew, what relationship?!” Mark fakes a sound of disgust and playfully pushes the younger’s face away. “I hate your face.”

Lies.

“But I like yours.” Mark feels a little touched by his words, but he laughs at Donghyuck’s monotonous reply, the younger’s face blank and emotionless like a robot.

“Ha ha very funny,” Mark rolls his eyes and Donghyuck giggles. It feels nice to play around like this.

“Come on, let’s go steal someone’s lunch.”

-

It was after dinner when Jaemin nervously approaches Mark and the rest of the boys. They were all sitting around the small television in their room, eyes glued to the cartoon. Jaemin grabs the remote and reluctantly turns off the television.

“Can I… talk to you guys for a sec?” He says before any of them could whine about the cartoon. Seeing that Jaemin wasn’t playing around (which was kind of weird to them because he isn’t usually this serious), the boys quieten down and turn to face the pretty boy.

“So uh,” Jaemin clears his throat and sits down on the floor in front of everyone. He catches Jeno’s eye and the latter simply gives him a sweet smile in assurance. “You guys know how Jeno was called up for adoption the other day right?”

Everyone nods, curious as to why he was suddenly bringing that up again. Mark swallows the lump in his throat, this doesn’t look like a good sign.

“Well… I was just wondering,” Jaemin hesitates a little, looking at the six pairs of eyes staring straight back at him. He takes a deep breath and exhales his burning question. “How would you guys feel if… I went with him?”

Everyone went silent, and Jaemin shivered, uncomfortable with the quiet atmosphere. He almost wanted to cry.

“The adults are okay with it,” Jeno steps in to explain when he sees Jaemin’s discomfort in the situation. “I didn’t want to just take him away from you guys because I know how much this place, as well as you guys, mean to him, that’s why we’d ask you first.”

No one says a single word except for Ren Jun who was translating everything to a confused Chen Le. The younger Chinese boy gasps a little and scratches at his head, unsure of what to think.

Jaemin looks at Jeno with shaky eyes, lips trembling. He didn’t know what to do, he felt so disgustingly stuck. He is about to get up to leave the room when Donghyuck speaks up.

“I think you should go for it if that’s what your heart wants, Jaemin ah.”

Jaemin smiles, mouthing a thank you to the tanner male. The latter nods and smiles back.

“Yeah hyung, if the thought of it makes you happy then I think you should too!” Jisung says as well, his blonde head bobbing up and down as he nods. “We know how much you two mean to each other as well.”

“Yeah, I mean,” Chen Le croaks out in broken Korean, eyes forming into crescents as he smiles assuringly. “If it was me, I would want Ren Jun ge to come with me too!”

Everyone nods, cheering Jaemin on, except for one. Jaemin looks over at Mark who was still staring at the floor, shoulders hunched.

“Mark?” He calls his best friend, hoping for a positive reaction from him as well. 

When the oldest still doesn’t reply no matter how many times he was called, the room fell silent once more. Eyes flitter questioningly towards Donghyuck, who could only shrug and sigh in response.

“Hey Mark are you -“ Donghyuck tries to coax the boy but he is cut off.

“Jaemin I’d like to have a word with you.” Mark looks up and stares at the boy with cold, hard eyes. “Alone.”

Jaemin freezes, widening his eyes and mumbling out a soft okay. He is about to leave the room when Donghyuck catches his hands to stop him. 

The tanner male obviously knew what it was about, so he rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed that this topic was still not over.

“No,” He speaks firmly. “I’m sure that whatever you want to say to him, you can say to all of us as well.”

“Okay fine!” Mark suddenly stands up, hands balled into fists by his side. He looks at every single one of them before questioning, “How are you guys even okay with this?!”

All of them stare at him confusedly, the younger ones a little shaken by Mark’s angry tone. Not again.

“What do you mean, hyung?” Ren Jun meekly asks.

“What I mean is, how are you guys just letting them go so easily? Don’t you remember everything we’ve done to make sure we all stay together? Don’t our memories in this orphanage mean anything to you guys?” Mark turns to look at Jaemin in the eyes. “Do we mean nothing to you that you can leave so willingly?”

Jaemin leaves his mouth agape in shock, unsure of how to respond. He didn’t mean it that way, of course not. The boys and all the memories they made mean everything to him, but getting out there would also mean new memories, new experiences and new possibilities. Brand new opportunities that he would be able to take up with a real family, which even includes Jeno.

He so badly wants to tell Mark this, he so badly wants to get him to understand. He was scared and confused too, but who wouldn’t pass up new experiences?

Oh he just wants to explain himself but he is too shaken up by the situation to even speak up, so he stays silent, much to Mark’s dismay.

“What, Na Jaemin? Nothing to say?” Mark presses, emotions completely overwhelmed by anger. “So lover boy is more important than us now? That’s what it is for you - hoes before bros? That’s rich.”

“That’s enough, hyung.” Jeno steps up, wrapping an arm around a trembling Jaemin. The pretty boy simply hides his face in Jeno’s shoulder, sobbing softly. “You know he doesn’t mean it that way. He loves all of you so damn much.”

“Oh does he really?” Mark mocks. “You know this is all your fault, Jeno. We were fine before you came. Jaemin wasn’t such a lovesick puppy all the time and we never had a single problem!”

Jeno scoffs and doesn’t say anything, extremely hurt by the older boy’s words.

“Stop this, Mark,” Donghyuck speaks up, unable to believe the things he was currently hearing. “Do you even hear yourself? What’s gotten into you?”

“Hah, I’m just being real over here.” Mark responds a little too cockily, arms crossed in front of his chest. “Your cousin and his little boyfriend are being selfish. We’ve tried so hard to stay in this place together yet they think they can just leave like that!”

“No, you’re being the selfish one here, Mark.” Donghyuck fights back, the two of them slowly getting into the same argument as before. The other boys simply stand back, not wanting to get involved. “Why are you so set on wanting us to stay here forever? Why are you stopping them from going out there and experiencing new things? Making new memories?”

“Like I said before, we belong here. We don’t need another home.”

“Not this again, Mark. You’re so damn persistent about this stupid issue it’s pissing me off, and I’m already holding myself back here.”

“Oh come on now, Donghyuck, just say what you wanna say. You always say things without thinking about others anyway.”

Mark was getting on his nerves, pushing on all his buttons, and Donghyuck did not like it one bit. He really didn’t. This wasn’t the same Mark he admired and fell in love with, and he was just so damn disappointed with how he was acting.

“Fine I will!” Donghyuck gives in. He stomps towards Mark and stands right in his face. He raises his hand, continuously shoving the older boy with his index finger in his chest with every word, as if accusing him of a crime. 

“You don’t really think we all belong here. You never did, ever since you were left here when you were seven. You’re just a boy who is just so damn ing afraid of being left alone. You purposely mess with their adoptions because you didn’t want them to leave you behind, just like your mother did. And you still hold a damn grudge against her for doing so, that is why you do this!”

Donghyuck takes a short breather to see Mark’s expression. The boy is frozen but he doesn’t stop there. His disappointment allows him to carry on pointing out the older boy’s faults.

“I tried to understand where you’re coming from, Mark. I really did. But this is too much and you’ve gone too far. Jaemin is crying, and you hurt my cousin’s feelings. You’re so adamant on wanting us to stay with you because you’re so damn scared that your nightmare would turn into reality.” Donghyuck’s emotions were pouring as he spoke. He really didn’t want to have to do this but he had to.

“I didn’t want to resort to this, but you’re a coward Mark. A selfish, little coward. You’re so afraid of us leaving you but you don’t remember how much we all love you.” Donghyuck swallows the lump in his throat. He doesn't care about the tears running down his cheeks as he begrudgingly whispers, “You can’t grasp the fact that even if I was thousands of miles away, I would still love you despite being the stupid douchebag that you are.”

It was the last line that had Mark looking straight up into Donghyuck’s glassy eyes. He had been continuously hit by realisation for the past few minutes that he didn’t think that Donghyuck would suddenly confess.

He gives the tanner male his signature speechless face, eyes widened and mouth gaping. Meanwhile Donghyuck just gives him a bittersweet smile.

“Even when you’re physically alone, Mark, you’re never actually alone. You always have people who love you.”

 

---

 

Oh damnnnn that drama :-) HAHAHA I hope you guys liked this chapter! Sorry I couldn't update on Wednesday :( But guysss this story is ending soon!!! Am I sad? Happy? I dunno???? Anyways have I mentioned how much I love reading all your comments? hziwebirweubami you're all so sweet I'm so thankful.

& DID U GUYS SEE JOHNNY AT SPECTRUM KHZGLHRWIHG DJ JOHNNY MY BOIIIII IM SO HAPPY LIKE???/ THIS IS 73.5FM RADIO JOHNNY'S STATION ACK I LOVE HIM ;;;;

comments and subscribes are always loved! <3 (i would really really like to hear what you guys thought about this chapter huhu I took such a long time to wrtie it because it was so hard to find the right words smh i fail)

xoxo