Breathing no longer labored , the younger relaxed in his lover's embrace leaning heavily on him . Chanhee 's lips  curled into a frown at that , his eyebrows knitting in concern as he tightened his hold on the smaller male , afraid he would slip through his arms if he did not . He knew his lover was either sleepy or quite exhausted or both and true enough  , Byunghun's eyelids felt as heavy as lead . However and even though his body was practically clamoring for some rest , he curbed the urge to sleep and buried his nose in chanhee's neck inhaling his chocolate and musky scent , sighing in content shortly after .

" Promise me . " he whispered a plea against the elder's neck , his hands lazely rising up to pull the elder closer as he mentally prepared himself for the consequences of his request . He'd gotten used to feeling deprived of everything a normal healthy person could enjoy . And naturally , he knew how life threatening it was for him  to engage in any intimate activity . that risk only ever intensified as he felt a nagging whisper in the back of his mind telling him he would not make it either ways . his fragile life was not going to last  much longer .. Maybe a day or two . However and as much as that scared him beyond belief , he was ready to embrace death if it meant dying in Chanhee's arms .

Fate may give him another day , If he was lucky .

But for now , he could only think of one thing .. His hands unconsciously tightened around the elder as he braced himself for whatever outcome his decision would bring about . 

" Promise me you won't , no matter what . " Nodding to himself as if in reassurance , Byunghun rephrased before waiting for the elder's response .  

For a split second , Chanhee had the urge to ask the younger what he meant by that until it dawned on him with such painful intensity he squeezed his eyes shut as if it would chase all of the tears away , locking them in a cage  deep inside his heart . At first , he thought Byunghun meant something along the lines of ' never leaving my side ' but that they already knew . it couldn't have been that . His mind quickly formulated every possible scenario and then it all clicked with so much clarity . of course .. Only Byunghun would ask of such thing , putting them first before his own health . 

Even though Chanhee had always yearned for this moment , he could never risk endangering his beloved .

However , such was the younger's wish . 

Promise me you won't stop . Even if it kills me . 

 Byunghun was truly cruel to use such card on him , fully knowing he'd want to do anything to make him happy . Forcing him on such tragic intimacy was just too cruel  .. But he really wanted to give Byunghun what he desperately wished for .

Who was he to say no ?

Heaving a deep breath , Chanhee resigned , succumbing to his lover's plea as he pulled away to look at the younger , his glistened eyes meeting a pair of moistened ones . 

The elder pursed his lips and moved his gaze upwards , for he could not stand looking at Byunghun then . It hurt too bad  . He just couldn't reject him this time . It would break his fragile heart . 

Having no other choice , Chanhee made up his mind . He would do it  , for Byunghun . However , not entirely . He'd give him what he wanted ,  what they both wanted but never had a chance to   experience . Nonetheless , the moment he detects a slightest danger to the younger's life , he would stop . Even if Byunghun begs him not to . 

Apart from nodding reluctantly , the elder did nothing to solidify such promise for it was the one thing he could not keep .

A certain brunette gasped in surprise when he found himself getting carried bridal style and instantly blushed beet red , hiding his shyness in the crook of Chanhee's neck , all the way until they reached their bedroom .

The elder let out a small chuckle at that . Byunghun was just too precious . 

It didn't take long before they reached their destination and once they did , Chanhee placed the younger down on bed , as gentle as possible . And he was about to join him if it weren't for the shorter male preventing him from doing so with just a word . 

" Wait ! " The younger suddenly exclaimed making Chanhee furrow his eyebrows . Was he going back on his words ? That would be both a disappointment and a blessing . 

" I'm kind of thirsty . Can you please bring me a glass of water ? " Byunghun explained sheepishly , afraid he was ruining the mood by such random request . But he was so thirsty he couldn't help it . 

Chanhee straightened up , giving his lover a sweet smile before uttering " Sure . "

As soon as the elder left the room , Byunghun heaved  a deep breath allowing a bitter expression to show on his face . however , it vanished as quickly as it had appeared , just before Chanhee came back again .

the younger gave him a weak appreciative smile , watching his figure approaching his with unguarded emotions it made Chanhee's heart flutter .

" Here ."

Byunghun took the glass from the elder , showing his gratitude with a soft smile . He took a quick sip relishing in the heavenly taste as it quenched his thirst . He'd always loved cold water and Chanhee knew it . The elder would always know his taste in everything , how he liked his coffee and food  . Shaking his head at that , Byunghun snapped out of his thoughts when he heard footsteps approaching him and once again , before Chanhee managed to sit down , the younger stopped him .

" The curtains . " Byunghun reminded just as Chanhee was about to sit next to him , making the elder raise his eyebrows at the second request in such a short  span of time . Nonetheless , he slowly stood up and made his way towards the windows , gently pulling the curtains together  to give the room a touch of romance . 

 " If I didn't know better , I'd say you were intentionally doing it to tease me . " The reddish brown haired male noted as he turned around , giving the room a brief look making sure nothing else could be done to romanticize the atmosphere .

" Who knows ~ " Sang Byunghun playfully , waiting for the elder to walk back to him and drink what's left in the glass . Spontaneously , when Chanhee saw the glass extended to him , he took it and gulped  all the water down . That was a habit of theirs . They used to share everything . Whether it was eating or drinking , they did it together somehow always managing to divide anything between them . Byunghun could recall that time his lover was eating an apple pie which he hated , yet the younger ended up tasting it as soon as Chanhee urged him to open his mouth like a mother feeding her child . 

 Byunghun giggled at the memory   , trying his best to remain calm and relax himself so his heart would not beat faster than anything known to humanity . It didn't help when the elder gently made him lie down in no time and slowly brushed a strand of his hair behind his ear making the brunette shiver despite himself .

If he kept gazing at those expressive eyes , he would melt to death . Byunghun concluded before  his eyes moved downwards settling on a pair of heart shaped lips . Realizing how the sight of Chanhee's lips was in no way less of a temptation than his eyes , Byunghun decided to close his own and just go with the flow , preferring to let the elder handle it . He'd never been bold enough to initiate anything after all .

In a few seconds , Byunghun registered a certain softness enveloping his lips , then a gentle bite followed by a wet and hot intrusion as Chanhee's tongue met his in a slow passionate dance . It didn't take long before the kiss gained vigor and velocity enrapturing the two lovers as  time ticked by slowly . 

For Byunghun , however , he felt everything unfolding in a fast pace . Because he didn't want it to end and knowing otherwise would ensue made it all the more painful . He didn't want their time together to come to an end . Not so soon .. Please let me Stay with him some more  .

When the younger pulled him closer and deeper , Chanhee could do naught but moan in pure ecstasy .

 Throughout the whole maze of pleasure , Byunghun felt his breath quicken along with his heartbeat .. Too much it was unsettling . But he showed none of his pain fearing it would ruin their last chance together as one . So he buried his face in Chanhee's neck , seeking protection and hiding himself from everything , including his lover .

I will gladly endure every ounce of pain you give me , Chanhee , if that's the only way for love to bind us . I will endure it , silently and alone . I will not burden you with my pain anymore .. I will not allow it . This pain is only mine to endure . 

With shaky hands , the younger held his beloved in a loose embrace , dreading the moment such beautiful feeling would lose its magic . Deep insdside though , he was grateful that fate was kind enough to let him become one with his beloved if only for one last time . Nonetheless , human beings are greedy and he was no exception . Now that he finally got to taste the love he desperately longed for , he could not help but want more . And more he was going to get . It was already too late to go back down on his decision after all .. The damage had been done .. Chanhee may hate him for it .. so he figured  he would have to make their time together worth it . 

Inevitably , the two lovers neared the of pleasure , voices intertwining in a beautiful symphony as they pulled away , only to reconnect their lips shortly after .  

The last kiss was soft , sensual and brief , a vow sealing their love . Byunghun nearly whimpered in anguish at that .

He loved the elder too much . He didn't want to leave him all alone .. He really didn't .. But the choice was not his . Staying by Chanhee's side was not something he could decide . He couldn't defy life and death . The only thing he could give was love . And so he decided if such was The only thing in his power then he was going to give it , generously . Even if he had to pay for it with his life .

Then a yawn escaped Chanhee's lips making the younger almost feel guilty for what he'd done . But he kept telling himself it was better that way . 

As soon as a pair of beautiful doe-like eyes grew heavy and eventually slackened , a gentle smile made its way to Byunghun's lips . For a couple of minutes , he did nothing but watch as his lover slept peacefully , undisturbed . It's a shame it was the last time he would lay his eyes on such beautiful sight . 

" I'm so sorry , Chanhee . I just didn't want you to witness it . " The brunette apologized earnestly as he ran the back of his hand on the elder's face , seeking to memorize the way it felt , warm and soft , against his skin .

" I'm not scared of death .. I'm not scared of pain .. I'm terrified of leaving your side .  Please do not blame yourself for granting me my wish .. I would have not made it eitherways . " Byunghun confessed with tears flowing down his cheeks . He knew his death would be relatively painless . His heart would stop beating and it may hurt but only for a moment .. After it , he would feel nothing . which was indeed tempting . At long last , he would not feel any sort of pain . He would not exist . All those years of pain would finally come to an end . Who would not welcome that with open arms ? However , the only thing he dreaded was the aftermath .. the impact of his death . 

It wasn't his fault though .. Yes , he'd forced the elder on that .. He'd even sent him to sleep against his will .. But he was not one to decide his fate . The elder would - undoubtedly- get mad at him , the brunette inwardly guessed as he pulled his hand away and slept on his back , facing the ceiling .

Now what ?

The sickly male closed his eyes and took a mouthful of oxygen , loving how it refreshed his tormented soul .

Perhaps that was it ..

breathe in and out ..

breathe in and out ..

Relax ..

close your eyes and rest ..

Byunghun spent his last minutes reflecting on life before his eyelids finally relaxed , convening and covering his beautiful dark brown orbs for the end of time .

 I think we all end up paying taxes for the happy times in our lives , which is why our unconscious mind fears happiness . Because we know - instinctively - that what follows is the exact opposite . In my case , however , a moment of happiness costs too much for me to afford . Such beautiful moments are worth my life . 

Some people may tell you a certain year was very good for them , unlike the current one . 

Why not think of it as a tax ? 
 

You were already happy for a whole year , more or less . It's time to suffer now ..

Scary , right ? 

His rich brown eyes  slid shut in a slow manner , almost reluctant , wanting to savor his last breath as he felt his heart beat dwindle before stopping altogether .

When Chanhee woke up , his heart fluttered for a moment , a sign he could not read and thus ended up ignoring , especially since he could hardly process anything right after waking up .

However , when he blinked and tossed to the right , eyes landing on the most beautiful angel sleeping next to him , Chanhee's lips shaped into a smile so endearing it could light up even the darkest of nights . His nimble fingers reached forward , caressing his beloved's cheeks , only to find it terrifyingly cold .

Ignoring the lump forming in his throat , Chanhee gulped blinking repetitively before titling his head to the side and narrowing his eyes , something he would do when he could not believe reality . When he'd rather deny the truth .

" Byunghun ? " He tried . And got no answer . So he waited .. And waited .. But .. the more he waited , the more real it had become .  he shook his head at that , not even realizing his own actions .. There's just no way .. They were supposed to have much more time . It had to be a joke .. A prank . It couldn't be real . 

" Byunghun , that's a very bad joke ! " Chanhee sighed deeply before rubbing his forehead and finally admonishing . The younger had always been in love with William Shakespear's works but that was taking it too far . Besides , it wasn't like Byunghun to do something that mischevious . 

Jeez .. Chanhee almost rolled his eyes at the thought .

Fine , if you want to keep on playing dead , I might as well join the act .

" Juliet ? " The elder called , his voice soft and desperate . His lover must have dabbed a lot of powder to make his face look so pale . He wondered though , who gave his juliet the potion to make her breathing stop and blood flow slow enough it would make her seem dead .

His juliet did not respond .. Chanhee frowned before realizing that maybe Byunghun wanted to keep on pretending until the final scene . which meant the elder would have to do the same as Romeo - pretend that he took the potion as well - . 

And pretending Chanhee did .

However , Byunghun did not wake up .

With gruesome clarity , the truth made itself known and the elder found his heart freezing in a never-ending comatose from which he would never wake up . 

Jolting upwards as if trying to put a distance between himself and a  very awful truth , Chanhee could only fix his  gaze on the younger's unmoving form . His precious Byunghun was not even breathing .. His chest was not moving , not even slightly . Chanhee's stomach lurched , first in fear and then .. He cupped his mouth when a sudden urge to vomit spread through his upper stomach .

Trying his best to relax and inhale so he would not empty the contents of his stomach on bed , Chanhee's eyes caught sight of something on the bedside table near Byunghun's head . A small bottle that read " Ambien " 

Wasn't that a sleeping pill ?

Memories of last night flashed before his eyes . Byunghun's odd behavior .. The glass of water , the curtains .

Of course .. He was buying time . the first , to get the bottle of the pills out of the drawer and the second one , to slip one of the pills in the water . He'd planned it all .. In the heat of the moment . He knew his time had come . 

And he didn't want me to be awake when it happened . He didn't want me to see him dying . He wanted to spare me the pain .. But oh Byunghun if only you knew that nothing could make it hurt any less .. Nothing would stop me from grieving over your loss . Whether I saw it or not , it doesn't change the fact you left me . It doesn't alleviate my pain .. My love . 

" Lee Byunghun , how could you do this to me ?! " Chanhee let out a muffled gasp before exclaiming in sheer agony , his voice cracking at such betrayal . Such cruelty .

You asked me to hold you and then you simply leave , you close your eyes with no regret ! I Should have never granted your wish .. Maybe then you would still be here , with me . I hate myself for that .. Lee Byunghun you forced me on a crime .. The guiltiest of all . And for that , I hate you too . 

With those hands , I held  you .. And with them , I killed you .

He could only stare at his hands , the culprit , as a flood of tears collected in them like they felt the need to purify the criminal .

In denial , Chanhee shook his head furiously and cupped the younger's face , flinching when his hands met  cold skin .  God ! it hurt.. He could numbly register the pain of grief slicing his heart open , digging in his flesh and finally pulling away , rough , merciless and above all incurable .

" I didn't even get to .. " the words died on his tongue as his throat closed up , reaching it's emotional capacity after stretching so much in an effort to let every breath and word out .

It's in that moment that he fell forward , like a marionette whose master had abandoned , and slumped right next to the younger's lifeless form . Eyes b with tears it blinded him , Chanhee let out a miserable whimper , a disjointed sound echoing through the walls of the same room they spent their happiest moments in . 

Now no more ..

Hesitant and fearful , he reached forward taking the younger in his embrace and trying to give him as much warmth as possible .His beloved had just fainted because of the cold , right ? 

To his ears however , that sounded like a terrible lie . What was he supposed to do ? When the truth was everything he'd loathed .. When he'd rather believe a  lie as ridiculous as that ..

Sniffing along , Chanhee pulled the younger closer in hopes of warming him up faster , fully aware that his actions felt strangely similar to a person so desperate , wandering aimlessly back and forth as he held a withered flower in his hands trying to bring it back to life against all odds ..

 " you have not withered .. You can't , Byunghun .. please open your eyes ."  the words scratched at his throat as he felt hot tears drench his cheeks nonstop . 

I'll cry for my love till I run out of tears .

I'll cry till my mind goes numb and eyes bulge out .

I'll cry every remaining day in my life .

I'll cry , no matter how much they tell me I shouldn't because you wouldn't be happy that way .

I'll cry even if it hurts you while you rest above and away from me . Maybe then you'd feel my pain .

 You didn't bid me farewell properly .

But I guess there's no such thing as proper goodbyes after all .

A goodbye is still a goodbye . 

~ ♥ ~ 

A/n 

Words count : 3866 ( April 24 )

old ver 2559 .  April  9

I honestly did not plan to make Byung die when I first thought of this ( I planned to make it a bittersweet open end )  but yesterday a certain conversation inspired me to .