Title (4/5)

Your title gets the point across of what the story will be about, and I like how you continued using the theme that you had used previously for the main story! Loving Me & Hurting Me seems somewhat misleading though, now that I’ve read the story. I had originally presumed that Chanyeol would be the one mistreating Baekhyun based on the theme of the earlier story as well, but this was not the case.

Description/Foreword (8/10)

As I’ve said both previous times, the images for the characters are not necessary! Leave it up to both how you describe their looks and the readers’ imaginations! Aside from that, you’ve set the scene pretty well, letting people know where the characters have transitioned and what the story will entail. Your layouts look fantastic, by the way! I don’t think I ever mentioned that! Again, do consider taking the images out!

Grammar/Punctuation (11/15)

Watch out for what tense you’re writing in! During your first chapter, you have the sentences ‘as soon as they finished college, Baekhyun started investing in singing lessons. He knows he has talent…’ In this example, you set the scene to past tense and then switched to present tense. Choose one a stick with it throughout the story.

Be careful with how you word some things. You have ‘a young doctor called Kyungsoo lives…’ While this technically is correct, it’d be much better if you had put ‘a young doctor named Kyungsoo’ since it is Kyung’s name.

Watch out for your propositions! Remember that people live in houses, not on them.

When you have Baek pulling Yeol down, you need to put a comma between ‘back’ and ‘Chanyeol’ since ‘Baekhyun says back’ is a prepositional phrase.

I believe you were trying to spell ‘embarrassed’? There are two rs and ss, if that makes sense.

Again, I want to stress that you must proofread your stories! You have a few unnecessary mistakes in all of your works, some that could be easily fixed by just looking a bit more carefully and others not so much. There are a few errors that might take some time for you to understand, and only with thoroughly studying the methodology to using them, but otherwise, you’ve done will with most other things and have more or less kept with your own way of writing.

Characterization (15/20)

I personally have never gone through intense bullying, PTSD, self-physical harm or meetups with people who were once in my life, so I can’t relate to much of the story in here. Despite that, the way that both Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s characters have a large change in attitude compared to their main story is more than obvious to me, although you’ve done well to keep it in the same sort of universe. Baekhyun’s easily moved attitude seemed a bit wishy-washy to me, and even though there really are people who are easily influenced in real life, this was too much and he faltered between the two lines of happiness and depression too much.

Chanyeol’s character was obviously meant to be portrayed as the caring boyfriend who doesn’t know what the best way of helping his distressed boyfriend is, but the way you’ve described him definitely makes him seem more like the lost boyfriend who can’t decide if he wants to figure out how to help his boyfriend or watch until his boyfriend figures it out himself. He seems too indecisive and rash to be able to properly care for Baekhyun’s problems, especially when Baekhyun so obviously displayed problems with his ‘nightmares’ and ‘sleep talking’.

Flow/Writing Style (7/10)

The way you suddenly cut to Baek’s awful flashbacks when he first heard his harassers’ voices was very sudden. It did seem like a real reaction someone would have when having heard one of their perpetrators’ voices would act, but the entire transition into and out of that paragraph was rusty. The way you also introduce Chanyeol’s thoughts just seems like he is speaking until you read the last few words that let you know he’s thinking. Consider using the different formatting to indicate when you have someone speaking versus when they think.

The entire part with Channie discovering Baek’s cuts went by way too quickly. Cuts don’t really heal that quickly, especially not in an hour, and if Baekhyun was really trying to keep things from Chanyeol, he probably wouldn’t have given in so quickly.

Plot (12/20)

To be honest, I think this story is great as a standalone story. I believe you could have played around with it more if you hadn’t been forced to link it towards your main story, since the way Baekhyun acted and flirted with Channie in the main story didn’t reflect the hardships you insinuated in this story. The way Chanyeol also treated Baekhyun in the main story doesn’t correlate with him having grown up protecting Baek from bullies.

Overall, the plot was somewhat loose in my opinion, as though you had a generalized idea of what would happen in the story, but couldn’t exactly articulate it to fit to what you had. The story seems much too short for anything to have really developed, but if speed wasn’t an issue, the plot in itself was well thought through.

Your originality is a bit lacking in this one. While you yourself as a person have had your own unique experience, the whole bullying-boyfriend fixes the problem storyline is overused.

Ending (5/10)

The ending felt very rushed, as though you wrote it with the idea that the story had to be finished within four chapters, no exceptions. The entire diagnosis with Kyung as well as Baekyeol heading over to confront Baek’s old bullies was much too fast for my liking and brought down the story, in my opinion. You focused a lot on what I consider to be the unimportant things, such as what Baekhyun was wearing, how he prepped himself before leaving to go confront his bullies. If you had the time to do that, I think it would have been more well spent describing the emotions that went through all the characters and how, perhaps, the bullies came to understand how what they did was wrong and why they suddenly apologized to Baek then when they could have gone over to their house and done so whenever they had the time. I also find it hard to believe that someone like Baekhyun, who had such a difficult time with even thinking about the bullies, could have so easily accepted the apology and walked away from it unscathed. There had to have been lingering feelings, with such a weak apology as that was.

Enjoyment (4/10)

The story moved too quickly for me to really fully enjoy it. I love stories that give me real information about the characters in it. I love stories that make me connect to the characters on a real level, that get me to understand how they feel and why they do the actions they do. I love it when authors go in-depth with the story and play with your emotions. Your story didn’t bring much of that to me, even with it having been a branch off of your main story. I, even more so, cannot relate to the characters in this story as well since I am not afraid of confrontations. I never have been one to be bullied, so none of this is exactly surreal to me.

Total (66/100)

Your sequel most likely would have done much better if you had left it as a standalone story and had explained things more clearly and more deeply. Try to build more character in the personalities you give your stars, and don’t forget to proofread! Again, you have room to improve, but your ideas are your own and very creative! You’ve come up with some great ones and I can’t wait to see what you bring even further! Don’t be afraid to extend your chapters. Don’t try to cram everything into quick updates so that your readers don’t get bored. Just write.