TITLE: 5/5

After reading the four chapters you have so far, I can see exactly why you called your story this! I think it really fits the story and gives an idea as to what the main focus will be.

FOREWORD + DESCRIPTION: 8/10

Your description definitely gets the point across. It’s simple and it tells the reader what to expect, but that’s really all it does. Yes, you’ve left us wondering ‘how exactly will Baekhyun’s life change?’ However, you don’t dig much deeper into that. It’s also always been sort of a pet peeve of mine when authors put in images of the characters in the description/forward.  While I do understand that you would like readers to know what the characters look like and how to imagine them, I believe you should leave that to your own descriptive words to paint the picture for your readers.

GRAMMAR + PUNCTUATION: 11/15

For the most part, your grammar and punctuation are fine. In some places, you use commas incorrectly, such as in this line: “The red haired male that was carrying the box, apologizes immediately.” The comma before the word ‘apologizes’ is completely unnecessary. Along with this, whenever someone speaks, you should give them their own paragraph. In the very first paragraph of your story, you have a quote that Dr. Park says as the very last sentence. Instead of doing this, the quote should be separated from the entire paragraph, an indication of who is speaking either beforehand or afterwards.

Another example of where you used commas incorrectly would be here in chapter three: “The tornado of feelings and thoughts is interrupted by a sweet deep familiar voice calling him.”

There should be a comma between ‘sweet’ and ‘deep’ and another between ‘deep’ and ‘familiar’ since these are all adjectives.

Here: “He looks at Chanyeol in shock. Eyes wide open.” I would suggest combining the two sentences. By themselves, they are very choppy. You have a few of these examples in the story, but be sure to not end up combining too many of them and creating run-on sentences.

Commas are very difficult to deal with, so I won’t go too in-depth with them. There are different rules when dealing with simple, compound and complex sentences, as well as which conjunctions need commas beforehand and which ones don’t. The Oxford comma (which is the comma you may or may not place before the ‘and’ in a list) is another thing to consider, however, as long as you keep consistent, you should be fine.

While I do use ellipses in my writing, a lot of the time, they are not needed. You have the sentence “The results aren’t good…again.” Personally, if you were to make it more powerful and have more impact on the reader, you could write it as:

The counsellor looks down at the report and then back at his patient. The results aren’t good.

Again.

“Baekhyun, you need to eat. You’re already…”

This is also probably just a spelling error, but in chapter three, you have the word ‘whiling’ instead of ‘willing’. Make sure you double check your work carefully to get all your mistakes. In chapter four, you also used the word 'peace' instead of 'piece'.

The last sentence of the chapter also should not say “kisses him in the forehead” but instead “kisses him on the forehead”. You seem to get slightly confused with your propositions throughout the entire story.

One last thing to remember is that, when you aren’t writing as a quote, try not to write how you speak. Yes, you are writing a story so it needn’t be the most formal piece of writing you’ve ever written, but it shouldn’t be informal. Leave the informality to when the characters speak.

CHARACTERIZATION: 18/20

Fortunately for me, I’ve never had to encounter any sort of behaviour as Kyungsoo or Baekhyun’s. However, this means that I can’t exactly personally relate to them in any sense. While I have had depressing thoughts before, I can’t fully grasp onto how Baekhyun acts. You’ve said that you have been in a toxic relationship before (and good for you for getting out of that), so I trust that you know what you’re saying.

I understand that Kyungsoo is sort of sociopathic/overprotective and that he’s one of those people where, if you looked at the relationship from the outside, he manipulates it to makes it seem like the relationship is perfectly fine, but we never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Chanyeol would be one of the characters I could relate to the most, having had to deal with people who are depressed and have suicidal thoughts. However, since there has only been four chapters so far, there has been no explanation for his odd behaviour in the last chapter (though I have a pretty good idea why he acts like that). I’m sure that it will be revealed very soon, and I suggest that you get your story reviewed again once the story has progressed a bit since it’s a tad difficult to analyze the entire story with what little has been written.

How you give the characters real personalities and real problems that real people have is very well done. You make it so that people can relate to them and that they’re not just words on a screen.

PLOT: 17/20

As mentioned before, there isn’t much written, so it’s a bit difficult for me to determine things like plot. However, you seem to know exactly how things are turning, and I would actually enjoy learning how this story ends. You’ve put it together well, and even though there are ‘mysteries’ in the story that I may have already figured out (like why Chanyeol knows about Baek’s illness), it would be interesting to see how you reveal it and if you tinker with the idea. Plot twists are beautiful, after all.

The story itself, while it may reflect what you had to go through, isn’t the most original thing I’ve ever seen. The fruit aspect adds a sense of originality to it that I appreciate, but that’s really all. The story is playing out exactly how I am expecting it to, so you should definitely throw something in there that surprises the readers, but doesn’t throw them off track or lead them away from the main plot.

FLOW + WRITING STYLE: 9/10

Your story flows very well, one chapter fitting into the next one. The chain of events that you make happen relate well to each other. There are a few things that I find unrealistic, like how Baekhyun’s mother suddenly decided to tell him he had a job without discussing it with him at all, but other than that, everything else is great!

ENJOYMENT: 6/10

It’s a Baekyeol story and I am a er for Baekyeol stories, as you can tell by my username. However, I am not one for eating disorder/abusive relationship stories. While my first story ever was indeed a Baekyeol fic where Kyungsoo abused Baekhyun before Chanyeol came for him, I have realized that this is not my style. Yes, I enjoy angst, but this just doesn't wow me. I would read it to the end just to see if it ended how I thought, but I personally probably wouldn’t have clicked on it just passing it by. It is still a great story regardless, just not my cup of tea.

TOTAL: 74/90

You’ve done an amazing job with this story, and even though you have some mistakes here and there, it’s very well written and there is a clear direction for where you’re going with it. To be honest with you, this review was much longer than I expected (and I haven’t even finished in the grammar and punctuation section ;-;), but that doesn’t mean that your story isn’t good! As said before, I am rather strict, but again, this story is amazing! Keep writing, I really do want to see how it ends ^^