He had done it a million times, if not that, he’d practiced that part a billion times. He’d performed it before, to the tee, absolutely flawless. He knew his raps like the back of his hand. So why? Why was he entirely silent in their bus, looking out the window, reminiscing of the moment onstage he’d completely flubbed his entire verse? No one was speaking to him, and Vernon honestly couldn’t tell if it was because they were disappointed in him, or if they were just giving him space. Part of him wanted them to be disappointed in him, because he felt so horrible himself, it would distract him from his own guilt.

 

It felt like he had an anvil on his chest, like the weight of his own failure was going to suffocate him. Is this what it felt like when anyone else messed up? When you felt inadequate? Vernon had messed up before, had moments where he hadn’t done as well as normal, he’d even had self esteem problems when he was training, not being able to believe in his abilities. But nothing had felt like this. Before, he’d make mistakes in the practice room, or on small meet and greet stages. Places where everyone could laugh it off without any effort, and although embarrassing, the fans would describe small flubs as endearing.

 

But this… He’d been in a huge stadium, thousands of people in front of him, all staring him down, and he’d forgot. His entire verse flew from his mind, and he’d been left to stutter and stay silent while dancing in the front, his groupmates unable to cover for him. It was like a switch had turned off or something. One moment he was just fine, dancing with a smile on his face, not a thought left in his head, just the sweat on his back and the adrenaline in his veins. Everything he adored about being onstage. The next, he swings into position for his part, and the crowd is suddenly daunting. Vernon became aware that he wasn’t just in the practice room, that anything he did here was going to be remembered. He remembered his vision blurring, and before he knew it, he’d missed the beat to start rapping, and he couldn’t remember any of the words he needed to start in the middle of it. The harder he thought, the more his head went blank. And after the agonizing seconds were over, he’d stumbled out of the way, and performed the rest of their last song of the night in a complete daze. He sighed, putting his face in his hands. He’d never hated himself more.

_____________

The next morning was going to be easier, that’s what Vernon had figured. He’d wake up after their measly three hours of sleep, and he’d practice his part again, and feel just as secure as he had before.

 

That wasn’t happening.

 

When him and everyone had gotten back to their dorm, Vernon, who was exhausted, plopped down on his mattress and hoped sleep would take to him fast. But it was time to wake up already, and Vernon hadn’t slept a wink. He’d lied in his bed, replaying the same mortifying moment over and over, and he couldn’t forget how terrifying it had been. He was so tired, he feared he’d faint if he got up too fast. He sighed, seeing that everyone else except him and Jihoon had crawled out of bed, and slowly stood up. He was breathing like he was fatigued, that was for sure. He stretched, and made his way to where the other members were eating leftover takeout from a couple of nights ago. Vernon couldn’t find it in himself to refuse eating, no matter how bad he felt. So, he sat down in between Seungkwan and Chan and ate his takeout silently.

 

The rest of the table was rather quiet, especially for them, and he looked up, seeing everyone quickly eye him and try to start a conversation. He had to fight a sigh. The rest of the members apparently weren’t to let go last night’s flub either, and Vernon had awoken to everyone else walking on eggshells around him.

 

It was infuriating.

 

Sure, Vernon wasn’t the most talented on the team, and he was younger than almost everyone else, but he knew when he’d messed up, and he knew when it was quite frankly, unacceptable. However, despite that, he did pride himself on his quality of work, and he wasn’t going to keep messing up. Not like that.

__________________
 

Vernon had been so wrong. He was shaking, kneeling on the ground, head down, his eyes staring down at the fragile hands that were keeping him up. Why was this so bad? He couldn’t feel any other way then shocked. They were practicing, and again, every single song had been just fine, in fact, he’d been in prime condition despite his lack of sleep. So why was it? When they got the last song, he’d been a little more tense, sure, but he’d just been concentrating, but yet, when he came for his part, his head swam, and he’d flubbed just as bad as last night. Why? Why?

 

Why was this happening to him?

 

“Hansol, can I talk to you in the hall?” Vernon snapped out of his inner monologue to see Seungcheol motioning for him. Vernon wanted to moan in frustration. He already felt close to tears, he really didn’t feel like getting chewed out by their leader. But despite his inhibitions, he peeled himself off the ground, and slowly followed his leader outside, leaving his slightly annoyed but sympathetic groupmates inside.

 

After the door had softly closed, Seungcheol took a moment to give a concerned look to Vernon before starting his spiel.

 

“What’s going on, Hansol? This hasn’t ever happened to you, and we can’t really afford for you to get in a rut during our tour.” Vernon sighed at Seungcheol’s soft voice. He was coddling Vernon, and while part of him appreciated the nice words, he found himself feeling worse that he was messing up over something so insignificant. If Seungcheol had been mad, he could’ve at least felt defensive.

 

“I wish I could tell you. I just… Lost it. I saw the crowd in front of me, and I forgot everything. Even right now, I don’t remember that verse.” Vernon’s eyes were stinging, and he knew he must be blushing in shame. He wanted to see how Seungcheol reacted, but he found it too difficult to look him in the eye. Vernon heard a hearty sigh. His eyes snapped up.

 

“Okay… Wow, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Vernon felt a hand vice grip his heart. Seungcheol slightly facepalmed himself, and Vernon felt himself holding his breath. “Look, Hansol. I’m pretty sure almost everyone’s had the same thing happen. You shouldn’t worry about it.” Vernon exhaled.

 

“I honestly figured that you’d never have this sort of problem, like Chan, but I guess everyone has a first. You’re just feeling some stage fright.” Vernon blinked. Stage fright?

 

“What do you mean?” Vernon shook his head. Stage fright? He’d never ever been afraid of performing in front of others. It was ludicrous that he’d start now.

 

“Look, a bunch of people who perform go through this at any point in time. Mostly after they mess up onstage. It can be hard to recover from, but trust me, you have stage fright.” Seungcheol looked at Vernon earnestly, and he found that although he wanted to argue, Vernon knew Seungcheol was right.

 

“Then what do I do?”

 

“Well,” Seungcheol said, “for starters, you should probably look up the lyrics to that verse you forgot.”

____________________
 

They had another concert tonight. And where Vernon used to be so excited he couldn’t keep still, now he was shaking in fear, and couldn’t get up.

 

All the day before, even after Seungcheol trying his best to cheer him up, Vernon constantly kept messing up, and now it was almost every song, and not just his parts anymore. He still hadn’t slept, because last night, when he’d tried, he woke up from a nightmare of a stadium laughing at him, and s cursing him out.

 

Vernon didn’t think he could do this.

 

He kept trying to push the thought of going onstage out of his head, because he’d start to freak if he thought about it. He was starting to understand people who didn’t like performing, because now he felt he was too afraid to do it. He was sitting in a corner in their dressing room, hidden between the counter and a chair, and no one had noticed him yet. He felt clammy, a disgusting cold sweat over his skin, his teeth chattering silently. His stomach was churning, and his chest felt tight. He wanted to run away, he wanted to hide in the bathroom until this was all over. He couldn’t handle messing up again.

 

“Okay guys, Manager just told me that we’re about ten minutes from rehearsal. We’ll have to go get our mics in a minute.” Vernon froze at Seungcheol’s voice. They were about to start rehearsal.

 

He’d have to go onstage again.

 

Vernon thought he was going to throw up.

 

“Hey, has anyone seen Hansol?” Vernon shrunk away at the sound of Minghao inquiring where he was. He didn’t want to be found. He heard Seungcheol sigh.

 

“You guys head out there, I’ll find him okay?” Vernon heard everyone leave the room, and Vernon waited. He held his breath.

 

“Hansol, come out. I know you’re hiding behind the chair.” Vernon shivered in fear. But slowly, albeit very reluctantly, he got up.

 

“What are you doing? We have to do a mic check.” Seungcheol sounded sympathetic, but Vernon knew he had to get Vernon out there. It was his responsibility as leader.

 

“I… Seungcheol, I can’t do this. I can’t-”

 

“Whoa, buddy. Yes, you can. You’ve done it a million times. You’re letting a couple of failures get to you. I understand that you’ve rarely had this problem, but that’s because you’re good. You’re not used to failing. So trust me, Hansol. You can do this.” Vernon gulped. He appreciated the pep talk, but it hadn’t done much. He couldn’t believe Seungcheol.

 

Despite that, he followed Seungcheol to the sound booth. Despite his shaking hands, he took a mic. Despite his fear, he lined up with his brothers, about to rehearse on the stage he was terrified of.

 

Everyone walked out, leaving Vernon to be last to walk out from behind the wall. Vernon was breathing so hard he was panting, his heart was all he could hear, blood rushing in his ears. He felt so dizzy, everything was spinning. He took another step, and fell.

 

He was going to die.

 

He didn’t know why, but a voice in his head told him he must be. Vernon could feel the panic in his veins, he was clutching his arms, shaking intensely, salty tears coming from his crushed shut eyes.

 

Jisoo was the first to notice Hansol had fallen. Stricken with fear out of concern, Jisoo immediately abandoned his spot and ran to Hansol. Hansol was hyperventilating, crying, and shaking. Jisoo bent down, trying to see what could be wrong, and that was when he heard the small chanting from Hansol’s mouth.

 

“I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die,” Jisoo was terrified. Why was Hansol acting like this? Was he hurt? Sick?

 

“Seungcheol! Hansol’s-!” Jisoo didn’t know how to finish that, so he just waited for the leader to rush over, leaving the other members worried and confused.

 

“What’s wrong?” Seungcheol paled at the sight of Hansol, and kept quiet.

 

“I don’t know. I saw him fall, and he’s acting like this. What’s wrong with him?” Jisoo was about to pat Hansol on the back to give him comfort, but Seungcheol’s hand shot out and gently stopped him.

 

“Don’t touch him. Hansol is having a panic attack. You might make it worse. Let me handle this.” Jisoo watched as Seungcheol bent down next to Hansol, but made sure he kept enough distance.

 

“Hansol. Listen to me. You are having a panic attack. It means you think you’re in danger but you aren’t. This is only temporary.” Seungcheol’s voice was soft, but Jisoo could tell it was cutting through Hansol’s chattering. “There is nothing to be afraid of, we’re here, and nothing can harm you, okay? You need to breathe in deeply, okay? In for four seconds, out for four seconds, okay? One… Two…. Three… Four… And out, One… Two… Three… Four. Good, do it again, count on your own.” Jisoo watched Hansol follow Seungcheol’s instructions, and although he was still crying, Hansol was breathing okay, and had sat up to face Seungcheol.

 

“I just… Seungcheol, I’m so afraid and I don’t know why!” Hansol wasn’t panicking anymore, but now he was sobbing in earnest, and Seungcheol put his arms out for Hansol to hug him. Jisoo stayed silent, watching Hansol cry into Seungcheol’s shoulder. Seungcheol shushed him softly, like a father to his child, and Jisoo realized just exactly why he respected Seungcheol so much.

 

After a minute, Hansol went quiet, and embarrassed, he blushed as he left Seungcheol’s arms.

 

“I’m sorry.” Hansol’s voice was scratchy, and quiet, but Jisoo still heard it.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s okay to lean on us, Hansol. I was underestimating how much this had affected you, and I’m sorry for that. You don’t have to feel bad for developing stage fright.” Jisoo widened his eyes. That’s what this was about?

 

“Is this about you messing up two days ago?” Jisoo saw Hansol flinch, and he concluded the answer was yes.

 

“Hansol, it’s normal to mess up onstage. It’s a part of performing. Whether small or large, I mess almost every time I’m onstage. I get it’s hard. The first time I messed up big time, I was so scared to go back onstage I didn’t perform for almost a year.”

 

“A year!? I can’t wait that long.” Hansol squealed.

 

“I know! But, something snapped me out of it. I met this older man, a guitarist at my church. He asked me why I wasn’t performing anymore. When I told him, this is what he said. ‘Boy, you can’t let failure stop you. Being afraid to mess up just means you’re taking what you do seriously. Nothing ever goes perfect onstage. If I were to remember and recount every moment I’ve messed up in front of people, I’d never step foot outside again. But you know what? Anyone who’s heard me has only ever had good things to say despite how I’ve messed up. The stage isn’t scary, people are. Being judged is. But anyone who judges you wrongly for having to courage to perform should be ashamed, because they rarely can do it themselves.’ And you know what Hansol? You have something I didn’t have then.” Jisoo smiled at Hansol. Hansol raised a brow.

 

“What?”

 

“Us.”

Hansol performed better than he ever had that night.

 

 

___________________________________________________

 

Thank you so much for reading! Again, this is based on my experience, it is not everyone's experience. Please comment below!