// 24 Floors ||

 

The night has fallen and the wind starts to blow, brushing against his skin, as he stands unmoved against the railing. He seems to have no care whether the chill wind passes by or not, he doesn’t shiver even the slightest, and BaekHyun keeps his eyes upwards, at the stars that sometimes fade and clear in his view.

He blinks slowly. He doesn’t know why but BaekHyun feels much closer to the sky, now that he stands this high. Maybe that is why he likes this floor so much; it makes him feel like he could reach to the sky, making him feel as if he could have the moon within his grasp.

Then, he slowly brings his gaze down, further down to the ground, where the cars are speeding, honking, and from where he is, they all look small, nothing like ants, only that they have lights. It almost looks pretty from up there.

He rests his hands on the railing, holding the fence tight as his mind brings him back to all the events that took place in a matter of weeks ago.

Everything has just fallen apart.

Everything.

All that he’s ever loved, all that he’s ever cherished, he could only watch as all of that were taken right in front of his eyes. One by one, the source of his happiness was yanked away from him, until he is now left with nothing.

Nothing but an empty heart, an empty soul, and each waking day is another painful day as he tries to drag his body to move out of bed. It gets harder each day, especially on the days when he gets himself wasted the night before. The pain that dominates his head is always hard to bear, but he never regrets drinking bottles after bottles of liquor the previous night.

He’d do it again and again, until his insides are all broken, and he’s doomed to die.

He lights up the cigarette and takes a long drag, before blowing out a sickly smelling puff of smoke. He watches as the smoke disappears into thin air and thinking that that is how his life is going to be from that night onwards.

People keep telling him to quit smoking, to quit drinking, because he’s reducing his life span by doing those two things. But BaekHyun never bothers to listen. In fact, he even agrees with them. Yes, he is reducing his life span by drinking and smoking non-stop, and that is what he wants.

He wants those two things to help end his life quickly, but it seems to him that they’re not doing a good job at the moment. They are just too slow, and BaekHyun couldn’t wait any longer.

He sighs as he stares at both his wrists, where the scars are. They’re never going to go away, he knows, and by staring at it, he feels not a single regret. If only his father didn’t catch him cutting himself that night. He’s been under tight observation ever since.

But now, here in this room, no one is watching him. No one knows what he’s doing or going to do. He doubts that his father is going to give a single damn about what he does with his life right now. BaekHyun knows his father could care less.

The reason why his father has BaekHyun under tight observation is simply that he doesn’t want his son to humiliate him in front of public. If word gets out that, the heir of Svoura Hotel has been cutting himself and drinking away every single night at the bar that would definitely ruin his father’s reputation.

Well, no one can see him now, not when he’s at the top floor of the hotel, and at times he feels like he’s on top of the world, the world that soon would come crashing down.

Life has been meaningless ever since his mother died, almost two months ago. Her death is a tragedy, one that BaekHyun thinks should never have happened. His mother should never have died. If it weren’t for his father who commits adultery, his mother wouldn’t have been too upset to the point that she ran out of the house, only to be knocked by a car.

BaekHyun had known all along what his father had done, but he kept it a secret because he didn’t want to break his mother’s heart. For two years, he borne the weight of carrying that secret on his shoulders, pretending that everything was normal each time his mother smiled next to his father.

Even the old man didn’t know that BaekHyun knew, not until the day when the secret was revealed. Well, as they say, some secrets couldn’t be hidden forever. They would be out eventually.

And that secret, as well as his father’s crime, had cost his dear mother’s life.

I always love you, BaekHyun. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.

She shouldn’t have died. His father should’ve been the one who died instead. He was the one who committed infidelity. He was the unfaithful one, yet he is still breathing, while his mother is gone. Life is so unfair.

His mother, the only person in that house who understood him was taken away, and the man who cheated on her still lives his life as if nothing has ever happened. Ever since she left, the gap between BaekHyun and his father just gets wider. They’re never in good terms with each other in the first place, yet the crack in their father-son relationship is getting worse, and neither cares to mend the broken bond.

It would be a bond that would stay broken for eternity, he says to himself.

He takes in another long drag, now his mind brings him to another person he used to cherish, the one that was also taken away from him forever.

“MaEum.” His dry lips utter, and it has been weeks since the last he uttered that name. Inside his head, his voice would keep on saying her name every single day, until it drives him crazy, but he’s never said her name ever since her funeral, one not long after his mother’s.

MaEum, the love of BaekHyun’s life, the one who had his heart completely. He’d never imagined life without her before, and if only he knew back then, that this is how his life would be without MaEum, he would never approach her in the first place.

Elevator, camera, notebook, panic, closed space.

Life is definitely unfair.

After life took his mother, life took his girl as well, right when he needed her the most.

“My name is MaEum. Don’t worry, help will come soon. Just keep on breathing. What’s your name?”

BaekHyun’s eyes would always search for her in the crowd and her big eyes would somehow find his and she would smile as good luck would have it once she knew he’d found her. She knew he was looking for her, and she smiled because she knew that he was embarrassed. She was the most beautiful he had ever laid his eyes on, and he couldn't be more grateful that she chose him too.

“You’re going to be okay, BaekHyun.”

She held his hand that day when they were stuck in that elevator; on the day, they first met. BaekHyun was claustrophobic, and panic started attacking him as he began to feel as if the walls were starting to close in. The lights were on, but the fact that it did still didn’t ease his fright.

Her voice managed to keep him calm, keep his head from forming all sorts of horrifying imaginations. Her voice drove the monsters away, gave him the courage he never knew he had to face his own fear. She kept him sane, kept him from passing out.

“Listen to my voice. You’re going to be okay.”

She distracted him with her camera, her notebook. She showed BaekHyun the pictures that she took, trying to keep his mind off from the scary thoughts that were swarming inside his head. She was like his protector, her presence felt like an army of angels shielding him from the demons inside his head that tried to corner him.

And she held his hand again at his mother’s funeral, didn’t seem to mind that he gripped her hand a bit too tight. He shamelessly cried, and she was there, rubbing his back. She knew how much BaekHyun loved his mother, and she understood how he felt because MaEum too lost her own at a young age.

She knew what it felt like to not be able to feel a mother’s love again. She understood him, his problems with his dad, and she accepted all of him.

BaekHyun was glad that he had her.

Without MaEum, he would be lost, and as if drowning in the open sea.

But it wasn’t until a couple of weeks later, that he found himself crying by the roadside, with a bleeding MaEum in his arms.

They were celebrating her birthday, which happened to be few days after BaekHyun’s mother died. BaekHyun was waiting for her inside her favorite café, calling her as in to know where she was. Her voice sounded cheerful and happy on the phone, telling him that she was reaching the café, when he heard her scream and the line went dead.

BaekHyun dashed out of the café, running around to find her because she told him that she was close, and he found her lying on the street, not moving, blood was all over the ground.

He gathered her in his arms and begged her not to leave, his tears fell on her face as he cried, begging her again and again, telling her that he couldn’t lose her too. He wasn’t prepared to lose her as well, he needed her so much because he loved her, and he couldn’t lose her now.

And that was when it began to dawn on him that he wasn’t prepared for a life without her. MaEum tried to say something, and BaekHyun had inched closer to listen, and the only words he could hear that came out of MaEum’s mouth was his name.

And that was the last thing she’d said before her body went still in BaekHyun’s hold.

Her last word was his name, and ever since that day, he could only hear her voice, saying his name again and again.

“BaekHyun, you’re going to be fine.”

His grip on the railing tightens, as BaekHyun throws his head back and screams. No. This is all unfair. He cannot do this anymore. He cannot do this on his own.

He doesn’t know where he should go, and what he should do. He refuses to go back to his house, for there is no more point in doing that. There is hardly any love left in that bloody house.

His stepmother has moved in, along with her little troops who BaekHyun assumes are his stepsiblings. He doesn’t know what to make of them, and he doesn’t care. He hates them. He’s already like an outcast in that house, the house that used to be his too, but now it seems as if he is just an intruder or something.

No, it no longer is his home. It doesn’t feel like it anymore.

He’s lost two persons of whom he’d loved the most, and clearly to him, that is equals to no more point of living. What’s the point of living if your mother isn’t going to be there anymore, to pat your cheek when you come back from college, to cook your favorite meal, to give you the assurance that everything is going to be just fine?

What’s the point of living anymore, if the girl, who you’ve ever only loved, isn’t there for you anymore? Every single day her ghost, her smile, her voice, would haunt you and those things would remind you repeatedly that you’ve lost her. You don’t have her anymore. She’s been taken away from you forever. Her hand isn’t going to be there to comfort you anymore.

The world could never be the same.

BaekHyun’s life would never be the same.

No, he cannot do this on his own. He isn’t strong enough to face the world all by himself. He needs to be with his mother, with MaEum. He needs to be with them.

BaekHyun lets go of the railing, and steps even closer, until no distance can separate him from the railing anymore.

“BaekHyun.”

He hears her voice, and abruptly turns, but the only thing that he can see is an empty room, with the television on, saying things that he couldn’t comprehend.

He has to do this. He doesn’t want to live anymore. He wants to disappear. He’s tired of getting flashbacks from the things he doesn’t want to remember. He cannot be saved, he knows he can’t. The alcohol and cigarette are doing a too slow of a job. He needs to do this himself.

He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his days longing for his mom and MaEum, fearing the father who never cares, and the people around him who often give him various looks, of those that he doesn’t need. They would look at him in pity, sometimes in disgust, and he hates that.

He hates all of them, and he hates himself. He hates himself for being too weak, for not being able to stand on his own two feet. 

Ending all of this would mean he could end all of his misery. He knows that for sure.

No more waking up with the knowledge that he has no strength to face people.

No more feeling alone even though he is in a room full of people.

No more losing friends because he’s been losing himself every waking day.

No more being an embarrassment, for having to drink until he’s wasted at the bar day and night.

No more crying himself to sleep, hoping that tomorrow would be better than today, when it’s just you being exhausted and the cycle goes on as usual.

No more people trying to keep a close eye on you so that you won’t cut yourself anymore.

No more feeling empty.

No more feeling broken.

No.

Instead, he could reunite with MaEum, with his mom, and all would be well again. That is what happiness is, with his mom and MaEum.

He lifts one of his legs to get through the railing, and as he is half way there, he hears her voice again.

“BaekHyun, listen to my voice.”

He stops, and all of a sudden, an image of both MaEum and his mom appears inside his head.

“Don’t give up, BaekHyun.”

He could hear his mother says.

“Don’t.”

“But it’s too hard.” He cries, and tears spill down his cheeks. “It’s too hard. I cannot make it on my own. I am not strong enough.”

“BaekHyun.”

He continues to cry, and then MaEum’s face becomes clearer as he closes his eyes. Her voice has stopped him from doing something reckless, he knows. That’s what MaEum always did, bringing him back to reality and showing him the light at the end of the tunnel.

“What do I do, MaEum?” He sobs, clutching his chest as his heart starts to ache, and the same kind of pain that he gets each day, the pain that comes with the knowledge that he could never see or have MaEum ever again.

He’s lost her, he’s lost his mom, and he is alone.

BaekHyun falls to his knees as he cries harder, he cries for the way things could’ve been if he still has MaEum, he cries for the life that he could have had if his mother is still here. He never would have felt so alone if they are next to him.

“I don’t know what to do.” He snuffles, and buries his face in his hands.

He takes a deep breath and tries to clear his mind, trying to push away all the negative thoughts that are running through his head. He could hear his own voice, telling him that the best way to end this misery is to put a stop to it for the last time.

He never has to get through this anymore. All he has to do is to end it.

“BaekHyun.”

But what would MaEum say if she could see him right now? What would she say if she sees him ready to give up, ready to end his life? He knows for certain that she wouldn’t be happy seeing him this way. He knows that she would be upset.

BaekHyun tries to focus on MaEum, on her voice, and for a moment, he could hear the words that she would say if she were there with him.

“BaekHyun, listen to me.” She’d say gently, but with a certain firmness in her tone of voice. She would use that tone each time she wanted him to listen to her closely. “You cannot give up, BaekHyun. This isn’t the end of the world. Take one more breath to clear your mind, BaekHyun. Take a deep breath. You think you want to die tonight, but you don’t. You’re going to lose yourself a chance to make your life a better one. You can get out of this, BaekHyun, you know you will. Life is hard sometimes and it would bring you down to your knees but don’t lose faith, BaekHyun. It won’t be dark forever. The sun will shine again, you just have to open the windows and let the light enter. Everything happens for a reason, BaekHyun. It’s going to be all right. Maybe not today, but it will be eventually. You cannot give up. You have so many things to do ahead in your life, so many dreams to accomplish. You have to live, so you can achieve those dreams and make them come true. You only have one chance to live, so make it count, BaekHyun.”

Yeah, he’s pretty sure that she would say that.

He tries imagining her, sitting next to him on the balcony. She would have an arm around his shoulder, telling him again and again with that huge smile of hers that the storm would soon pass and the sun would rise again.

The sun would rise again for him and he should be there to watch the beauty of the sun as it makes its way up the sky.

She would tell him that he is never alone. Just because she isn’t there doesn’t mean she isn’t there at all.

“Never wonder where I am, BaekHyun. I am always close to you. You may not see me, but I am there.” She used to say.

“Never give up on your life because of one bad chapter. Keep on going, your story cannot end here. Let it get the happily ever after it deserves. Let time heal your wound. You’re going to look back one day and tell yourself that how grateful you are for not giving up to sorrow. You’re stronger than you know.”

And he sits there, 24 floors up high in the sky, hugging his knees as he again looks down at the speeding cars, thinking of how close he was to give his life away, thinking it would be better to die than to live, when the ones you love no longer surround you.

Maybe it would’ve been easier that way.

But he would hold onto her words.

BaekHyun knows that MaEum and his mother would never wish for him to be and stay this way. Yes, the coming days are just going to get harder and harder without them, but he would use the memories of them as a strength for him to move forward, not to bring him down.

He can do this. MaEum always believed that he could. He knows that his mother would think the same way.

And so, he just sits there, waiting for the traces of a new dawn, and as he stares at the horizon, he knows that he could feel the familiar touch of MaEum’s hand on his shoulder again.

His lips lift into a small smile. She was right. She is always there.

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