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I remember mummy.

She was a small woman and she was sick all the time and when she is sick and coughs lots and lots and there is blood from and the last time I saw her she coughed and coughed and she fell onto the floor and she gasped and she died, the end.

I don’t remember my father very well and I don’t think I would like him anyway because he left mummy and he went far far away and I don’t know where he is and he is an evil man and he promised mummy that he loves her and that he cherishes her forever and ever but then he went away and he’s very evil.

Being dead is sleeping for a long long time but you don’t ever wake up, but doesn’t it maybe get boring a tiny little bit? And death is a funny concept because it happens when your body suddenly decides it doesn’t want to operate anymore and even if their body is sitting right next to you, if they’re dead then they’re miles and miles away somewhere and you don’t know where they are—where are they? Why can’t they wake up again?

And Luhan died and Junmyeon died and Sehun died and mummy died, and they died because evil people didn’t want them to live anymore.

I died too. I died a long time ago and I continue dying every single day but you don’t ever sleep, you don’t ever close your eyes for ages and ages, you don’t ever get buried in a coffin or get burned and have your ashes thrown in the wind. It’s a different kind of death where everything hurts and the past, present and future hurts and you’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead but you still have your eyes open and you’re still breathing…

It hurts a lot to die. Sometimes, I think it’s better to live in heaven.

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Baekhyun lies down on his belly. He had crawled under his bed a few hours ago and had been there since then, his head resting on his forearm and his feet hitting the underside of the furniture. Small, gloomy spaces made him feel safe—if Chen were to take a beating to him, then he’d have to struggle to get Baekhyun out first.

He gathers the dust bunnies around him, sweeping them in his arm, collecting them in one place. With surprising delicacy, he gently separates them into clumps, shaping them into various sizes of dust hills. He pinches one and this particular dust ball becomes tall and thin—this was Chanyeol. Baekhyun gathered another clump and named it after himself. He then gathered the final clump and called it Jongdae—before, with some thought, he carefully split the clump in half and named the separated collection of dust Chen. He laid his cheek against the floor and stared at the dust hills he formed, pressing his lips together, marring his brows into a frown.

He picked up dust-bunny Baekhyun and rubbed it together with his hands, the clump disintegrating and falling into pieces.

When he moves his leg, the familiar sound of chain clinking fills his ears and he sighs, reminded of his limited freedom. He twists the cuff round and round his ankle until the skin was sore.

Then, with some thought, he crawled out from under the bed and sat against the wall, picking up his chain. He wound it round and round his neck like a scarf before he yanked the chain, pulling it taut, with the intent of depriving himself from air.

But he couldn’t hold out long. After his face had paled into blue and he starts to cough, human instinct takes over and his hand immediately relaxes, loosening and unwinding the chain around his neck. He then falls onto the carpeted floor, his frame trembling as he coughed, hands coming up to touch the clefts and dents the chains had made from his neck.

The carpet spoke up in his ears—“What are you doing?”

Baekhyun coughed and coughed, but no words came out of his mouth. He starts to curl up, like he always did all those years, tucking his knees onto his chest and enveloping them with his arms, rocking his body side to side as tears welled in his eyes. The carpet gave a great sigh.

“Don’t do that. We’ll be sad to see you go. What would Chanyeol say?”

At the mention of Chanyeol, Baekhyun began to utter a soft sob, whimpering until the tears spilled onto his cheeks. Baekhyun missed him so—his stick-like figure, his smile, his warmth and all the kindness he was worth for. Baekhyun didn’t know what Chanyeol’s state was—how is he doing? What is he doing right now, is he still alive? The only presence Chanyeol could make right now were thoughts conjured up inside Baekhyun’s head, but this made him more miserable and lonely.

“Chanyeol wouldn’t like it,” the carpet says softly, “And neither would Jongdae. They’ll be very sad.”

Baekhyun doesn’t reply, but he nods in understanding. He wiped his tears away, having no Chanyeol to wipe them for him, before he sniffles quietly and sighed. His arms shifted and he hugs himself, rubbing his cheek onto the carpet, his whimpers subsiding into murmurs.

“You promised, remember? You promised to Luhan you’ll stay strong. Don’t give up now, Baekhyun. It’ll be over sooner or later—nothing lasts forever.”

Baekhyun pressed his lips together and nods obediently, and the carpet ceases to a silence. He pressed his back against the wall and curled up even tighter, tucking his head into his knees, before he closes his eyes and soon falls to sleep on the floor—despite the bed that stands directly next to him.

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When Baekhyun wakes up, it was because someone was shaking him violently, his head lolling back and forth. Baekhyun automatically screams, searching the face of his perpetrator, but Baekhyun’s face simply mars with worry when he recognizes the softness of Jongdae’s features, the latter’s mouth upturned to a frown, some sort of emergency written across his face.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae spoke with harsh breaths, and Baekhyun barely registers him with his groggy state, “Baekhyun, get up. We have to run.”

Jongdae then moved to unlock the chains that connected him to the foot of the bed. Baekhyun looks at him, terribly confused—didn’t Chen hide the key somewhere Jongdae couldn’t find them? Where did he get it from? Baekhyun doesn’t voice his questions, but stared pointedly at his foster brother, before the latter looks up and reads the questioning look within his eyes.

“Police found that Chen smuggled you here. I don’t know what he did so that we ended up in this country, but we’re in big trouble and I don’t want any hassle with them even if we’re innocent. Chen immediately went off of consciousness because he’s a coward and