sruo - 1 My name is Byun Baekhyun. I think it is because it’s the name my mother gave me and sometimes she called me “Baekkie” and sometimes Chanyeol and Jongdae too but mother coughed and coughed and she wouldn’t wake up and one day she died and the end.   I don’t like cars and water and planes and trees and water and water and water and small spaces and water and green and Chen and water. I don’t like it when Chen bites me or kisses me or touch me or dip my head under the water or squeeze my neck really really really hard or when Chen breathes. I especially do not like it when Chen breathes. Sometimes I wish Chen stops breathing. I don’t like it when he breathes.   I like Chanyeol. Chanyeol is my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart but sadly I only have one heart and sometimes it is not enough to describe how much I love him and I get sad about it. Sometimes. I think he is in love with me too. I think.   He is my nurse. I met him in my institute seclusion room. And he is nice. And kind. He has dark hair and big ears and he is very tall and he smells like nice things and he plays the guitar and he sings and I like everything about him. He is my favourite person. And I liked him because he sees me as a person. I kissed him first. And I drew him a love heart. That was how I confessed.   But Chen stabbed him and there was blood everywhere and now Chanyeol is far away and he is sleeping and I don’t know if he’ll wake up or not but I think he’s probably dead or he won’t wake up for a very very long time and does he still love me?   Chen is my foster brother. We are not blood brothers because we are not related. He has done lots of bad things. Like killing dogs or stepping on bugs or pull my ear or touch me in places I didn’t want him to touch or force me to kiss him or killing people. He has lots of scars in his face and I don’t like him one bit and I wish he stops breathing.   It’s a very bad thing to wish for people to stop breathing. But I’m going to do the bad thing and I’m going to wish he stops breathing.   Except I don’t want him to stop breathing. Because Chen’s body is also Jongdae’s body. And Jongdae is also my brother. Chen and Jongdae are two different people but they live in the same body and if I wish that Chen stops breathing then Jongdae would also stop breathing. But I like Jongdae and I do not want him to stop breathing.   Jongdae is nice. Unlike Chen. Chen forced me to say goodbye to Chanyeol and he put me on a plane and he told me he’d kill me if I don’t “shut the up”. He put me on a plane and I think I flew very far away. And below the plane was a body of water and lots of seas and I cried and cried and when we got off the plane Chen slapped me in the mouth. It hurts a lot.   I miss Chanyeol. I wonder if he’s dead yet.   Chen bought a house with his parents’ money. And then he bought lots of furniture. And I started to cry because I missed Chanyeol and he slapped me. And then he kissed me and he kissed my neck and my chest and my legs and everything. And then he forced me against the wall. It wasn’t nice.   And then he said, “Do any of your ing business again,” and then he my ear, “and I won’t be so ing gentle next time.”   Then he lets go of me and laughs. And then he said, “Bloody look at you, ing helpless. Can’t even speak, can you? That’s why you’re such a nice boy, Baekhyun—“ and then he kisses me, “—because you can’t bloody do anything about it, and you just lay there ing crying and you’re ing powerless.”   He was right. I can’t do anything about it. So I cried.   He bought shackles. He put it around my right ankle and he tied the end to the bedpost. So I can’t go or escape anywhere else. I have to rely on him.   I wish Chen stops breathing.   Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I groan for ages and ages and then I start banging my head and I start to scratch myself and then I bleed. Or sometimes I stare into the same spot for seven hours three minutes and forty-two seconds. Sometimes I kick the bed and bite my knee and scream for ages and ages until my voice stops working the next day.   Sometimes I wish I stop breathing.   I miss Chanyeol.

I made a new friend. He is called Carpet. Funny because he looks the same like a carpet. It’s also the thing that I see every day. They also look the same. Or I think they’re the same person. Or the same carpet. I think. I’m not so sure anymore.

The carpet speaks to me sometimes. It goes ‘rustle rustle rustle’, especially if I move my feet. Most of the time, it’s silent unless I touch it. It just makes a lot of variations of ‘rustle’ and it never makes any other sound, it just says the same thing over and over and over again. I like carpet. It doesn’t scream or shout or swear at me like Chen does, it just goes ‘rustle’ and I like carpet. It’s my new friend.   Sometimes I wonder why carpet always says the same thing. It is essentially like me sometimes. Only I don’t speak much and the carpet only goes ‘rustle’. I am scared of speaking because when I was younger and I used to speak Chen used to dip my head in a bath