aquiver

(adj.)quivering; trembling.

Deciding to meet up on a chilly mid-January morning at 3am clad in a pair of yoga pants and my brother's old college sweatshirt was a bad idea. Not only because it was freezing outside, but also the idea of paparazzi stalking me totally went over my head. I didn't even bother wearing a facemask. Nor a scarf. Not even fricking gloves. Very smart.

Focusing on the wet pavement, I tried my best to ignore the dull ache in my chest. When exactly did things go downhill? I didn't want to know. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to admit. Too much of a romantic martyr. Too afraid to acknowledge the massive warning sign right in front of me. 

"You're such a mess", I mumbled, taking out some of my pent-up frustration on an empty beer can thrown haphazardly on the ground.

A mess. Just like your relationship.

Somehow in the back of my mind, I expected this to happen. Jiyong and I were no more than acquaintances back then. We often saw each other at events, greeted one another occasionally, but really only had a comfortable sunbae/hoobae relationship. That is until we shared a couple drinks together at a gallery opening of a mutual friend's in Seoul. 4 months passed, countless 3-hour phone conversations later and a few lunch/dinner dates here and there, we gradually.... clicked. It was terrifying just how much he understood me, and how much I empathized with him. It was so simple then, so easy to let someone in, let him know who I actually was beneath the facade. Jiyong understood. He always tried to understand, and it was the nicest feeling in the world. That I wasn't the only one carrying half the world on my shoulders. That I wasn't... alone. We were both tired of being lonely, or at least I was. For the longest time, I wanted to feel loved, cared for and as sappy as it sounded, I wanted flowers, I longed for normal dates, I craved for affection. For idols, it had always been reputation and career over lovey dovey ~feelings~, but I honestly didn't care at that point. I knew I was playing with fire. I've already been there once, only this time with higher risks. I constantly told myself: Was this really ok?

He was worth the gamble, I decided.

So I continued walking up icy steps, past silent houses and closed stores, and ended up gazing at a faulty streetlight near the middle of the street.

On and off it went. Blinking away. 

"Just like us?" I choked out bitterly. I felt a lump form in my throat and hurriedly wiped tear stained eyes with my sleeve. Why did everything have to remind me of Jiyong? I took a left and continued towards a children's park. I eventually settled on a vacant swing next to his. Jiyong was early this time. No one spoke, and we were quiet for a while, preferring to silently swing back and forth in our seats. We both seemed pre-occupied, busy thinking of the right words to say, fully aware that the next few moments would undoubtedly affect our future. Our relationship. Desperately trying to hide my trembling hands, I buried them deeper into my jacket pockets. I braved a glance at his direction and was startled to see Jiyong looking intently at me. Have I ever told you that I love your eyes?

"I'm sorry", he mouthed, almost like he was too afraid to say the words out loud, like it was some kind of sin.

By then, I knew what was in his mind. I opened my mouth to protest, to stop him, to delay the inevitable, but he caught my left arm, still shaking from the cold, and pressed his lips against the back of my hand. I ignored the sinking feeling in my chest, choosing to distract myself by staring at Jiyong's smiley tattoo. It always looked random to me. A little bit useless if I were to be honest. Now it was the only thing stopping me from having a full-fledged breakdown.  

He squeezed my hand tighter. Little gestures like these are my favorite. Did I ever tell you that? I felt my face starting to get damp. I realized I was crying.

Still clutching my hand against his face he softly murmured, "I love you, Taeyeon. Always. Every single ing day. I'm so thankful that you're in my life right now." He turned to stare at me, his sad, tired eyes boring into my own. I couldn't take the sheer intensity, so I looked away.

"But we both know this isn't working out.... There's no point in dragging this. Isn't it time? I'm so sorry, Taeyeon. This is so unfair to you".

His words were barely above a whisper, but it deafened me. I couldn't hear a thing. No rustle of tree branches, not even the loud creaking sound of our own swings. My eyes, however, were fixated on the broken streetlamp, dazed at the way it lit up the entire street only to leave it pitch-dark seconds after. How it shone so brightly just to suddenly return back to it's natural gloominess. I wondered how much it cost to fix a streetlamp. Did people even care? Will it stay broken? Was it ever going to be fixed?

I cried even harder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

約束したよね　「100歳までよろしくね」
101年目がこんなに早くくるとは思わなかったよ
 

We made a promise, right?
"Let's be together until we are 100 years old."
I didn't expect the 101st year would come so soon.

me me she // RADWIMPS

a/n: heck yea! my first story ever! hope u guys enjoyed it yay I purposely left it vague because I didn't want it too angsty and frankly, I'm bad at plots. 

also, i know this is a oneshot compilation thing but do u guys wanna see a continuation in future stories or just leave it as that? (pls do comment heh)