He liked her. He wasn’t sure why himself. He just did.

She liked him. She wasn’t quite sure why.  Or when it started.

And they were friends.

Not that this was a well-known fact. They would appear to be acquaintances instead of friends.

He shared a lot of his life with her—his relationship with members, his struggles with popularity, his family background, his liking for video gaming and watching movies by himself, his insecurities when it came to singing, and yet his hopes and dreams to one day become a respected singer-songwriter who sang for the public.

She reciprocated. But she didn’t want to be a singer as much as she wanted to be an all-rounded idol. She wasn’t as ambitious at him. She had issues with popularity too, but it was that her group wasn’t even close to as popular as his. Even though they all had different goals and were admittedly self interested, the place that they found themselves in meant that they all worked together to bring the group to greater heights first.

People in plying their profession tended to do a whole range of things while waiting for their turn on a music show. Some would catch a nap in the waiting room. Others would fiddle with electronic devices. The more studious of them would study. Some would practice their choreography.

Occasionally, he would sit behind the metal grating and watch the rehearsals of other groups. She would do so sometimes too. So sometimes they would meet behind the metal grating.

When there was one behind the metal grating, they were watching the rehearsal. When there were two, they were conversing, without the eye contact.

She loved to watch him perform. He danced well and had boatloads of charisma. But above all, he had a gorgeous voice.

“If I was a fan, I would 100% be praying to pull your photocard from the album.”

He loved to watch her perform. She wasn’t the strongest singer, but there was just something, something that he couldn’t quite describe about her that was magnetic, endlessly compelling.

“You’re watching her,” Jihoon whispers into his ear as he plops himself behind the metal grating.

He’s caught offguard.

“I can see your eyes following her around the stage.”

That Lee Jihoon is too observant for his own good.

He sees Hansol dating. Seungcheol. Mingyu. Jisoo.

That’s when it hits him the hardest. He’s lonely. It’s in those moments that he makes the trip back home. And between his mother’s cooking and his sister’s fussing, he forgets. He forgets for a while.

⦵

Soonyoung does not miss the look in his eyes as the groups exchange albums in the corridor. Seungcheol pays the group no regard, and s the album into the arms of a fellow staff member before scurrying off to find his girlfriend. He frowns at the lack of regard that their leader paid the album.

It was better that he was dating. It made most of their lives appreciably easier.

Jihoon manages to worm his way to said staff member, “looks interesting. I heard that the members also did some work on the album?”

And he’s rescued the album from the hands of some staff member, where it was destined to fall down into a rabbit hole, never to be seen again.

When most of the members have all gone their own ways, Jihoon hands him the album.

“If you like her so much you should just tell her.”

Soonyoung nods furiously as he joins the conversation, sitting himself on the arm of the sofa, “it’s not like we have a dating ban.”

“It’s not that.”

“You’ll never know unless you try? Since when was Lee Seokmin hung up about face and pride?”

“It’s not like that,” he mumbles noncommittally before walking away.

This wasn’t something he wanted to talk about. Not right now anyway.

He knew. He knew she wouldn’t agree to go out with him. She had dreams and goals that she wanted to achieve. And she wouldn’t let him get in the way of that. She wanted to win number 1 on a music show. She wanted to hit number 1 on the daily chart on the melon. A perfect all-kill. She wanted to win a bonsang one day. She wanted to eventually be successful enough to potentially go into variety or acting. She didn’t become an idol just so that she could date rich men or marry up. She trained longer than he had. In that sense, she wanted it more than him.

And perhaps he wouldn’t ask either. He wanted to be a singer. He wasn’t here to be a run-off-the-mill idol vocalist. And he wouldn’t let up until he knew that he had tried his best and failed in the attempt. When there were scarcely enough hours to sleep, taking out more to date would hardly be trying his best.

He was young, he still had his whole life in front of him to fall in love. But his time as an idol was necessarily limited, and he had to make the best of it.

⦵

She wasn’t there when they won their first award.

Congratulations!!!

I’m so happy for you!!! J

Came the instant message.

Be that all it said, it was the most important message to him, after the ones from his family. His noona might as well be an angel.

She wasn’t there when they won their second award either.

I’m so jealous, you’re doing so well :<

But I’m still happy for you!!! J  

And nothing had changed. It was still his most treasured message after the ones from his family. Did he already say that his sister was an angel?

⦵

But she was there when they won on a music show for the first time. She was right. Right there, standing on the same stage as him, looking on and clapping for them.

Not that it was something he realized then. It only struck him many many hours later when he finally was done with practice for a special stage and laid down to take a nap.

He scrolled through his messages frenetically, but for some reason, the congratulatory message that he was hoping for wasn’t there.

When watched her rehearsal, face pressed against the metal grating, he couldn’t help his sulky pout.

Exactly one week later, she was right there when they won a second time. He saw, right out of the corner of his eye, her clapping for them. This time he was vaguely aware of it. But the euphoria of the win flooded his mind soon after.

And again, there was no congratulatory message.

⦵

Even though he doesn’t have a way with younger fangirls, Lee Seokmin has a way with noonas and ahjummas. There’s just something about him that makes all the staff fall in love with him. But most of the time they’re still rational enough to hear the demands of the company, and still be cognizant of the fact that he’s not popular.

But that doesn’t mean that they’re not going to dress him in leather and highlight his manly features for a photoshoot. Hell, it’s so much easier to dress him compared to some of his supposedly drop dead handsome fellow members. 

He’s flipping through the previous months’ magazines absently-mindedly because he’s had some time to rest before freezing when he comes across a fashion spread that she modeled for.

Suddenly attentive, he pours over her interview, taking as much information in before he is called back to duty.

“You like that issue?”

“Uh, I’m sorry for not paying attention! Am I needed somewhere?”

“I don’t need it anymore, you can have it if you want.”

He smiles.

“You’re cute.”

⦵

It’s you isn’t it?

Comes the instant message when Seokmin is celebrating wrapping up yet another promotional cycle and busy downing pieces of barbeque meat.

What are you talking about?

You’re trending on real time search engines right now. I watched the clips, and it’s you, isn’t it?

He chuckles, pondering for a moment before banging out a reply.

If it wasn’t me, perhaps I’d still like you to think it was me? And even if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to say so.

It’s you. I can recognise that voice.

How embarrassing is it going to be when that fellow gets unmasked.

Even if you refuse to admit it, I know it’s you.

If you say so.

I guess I’ll find out next week.

That’s if that fellow loses next week.

It’s going to take a miracle for that fellow not to get unmasked next week.

⦵

Oh my god Baby Demon sang so well!!!!

God, you’re seriously so talented.

That rearrangement was seriously amazing.

I’ll be gutted if you don’t win.

YEAH!!!! This is amazing!!!

I know you’re in concert right now by the way, I just had to watch it live. The suspense was killing me.

But really, 3^rd round for an idol (a rookie idol) is phenomenal.

I bet you didn’t even prepare for the 3^rd round right? Uh oh.

Yeah, you didn’t practice much for the 3^rd round, did you?

You still did well though! Nothing to be ashamed of.

I KNEW IT WAS YOU!!!! I’ve watched you enough on stage to know it’s you.

You’re phenomenal.

His grin is already wide after successfully completing the concert, but becomes impossibly wide after seeing her effusive messages. She just called him phenomenal. Maybe he won’t be able to sleep tonight again.

Tsk, you’re just saying.

⦵

But the chance doesn’t quite arise for a long time, because he’s embarked on that tour that takes him away from Korea. And she’s stuck in Korea promoting her comeback—which thankfully is doing better than the previous four comebacks. That alone is a reason for optimism.

Somehow they get penciled in at the last minute to replace one of the opening girl groups. It’s better to be the opening act than to not be there, at least they’re getting paid for this. Though sometimes it’s hard when you hear the crowd get so hyped for groups that debuted way after them.

It’s been really exhausting, do they really have to sit around till the last act performs, probably in excess of two hours from now, just to go back on stage for a couple of minutes and take up space? Well, whatever, she’ll just take a nap. There’s still schedules tomorrow.

It’s only when everyone is on stage for a couple of minutes at the ending that she realizes that he’s here too. At least that nap was a good one, she comforts herself. She hangs back for a while, waiting for them to come around backstage. He grins ever so brightly at her.

“You must be tired,” he comments, inspired, she knows, by the fact that she didn’t even acknowledge his existence.

“I guess you could say so, and I’ve got to scoot.”

“Don’t let me stop you,” he says, too loudly, moving towards the side so that she has the entire corridor to pass.

“It was amazing. You’re phenomenal.”

And she’s already disappearing down the corridor, towards her waiting room where her manager is not doubt already waiting for her.

⦵

“You’re phenomenal,” he hisses to himself angrily when his low notes come out unsupported again.

He downs some water, puts himself back together and tries again.

“I can’t sing that low,” he complains, shoving the piece of paper back into Jihoon’s face.

“I’m sure you can do it,” Jihoon replies, eyes steely.

“I’ve tried. I can sing it one time out of ten.”

“All you need to do is to make it ten out of ten,” he replies evenly.

“It’s too low for me,” Seokmin grumbles, “why do I have to do it?”

“’Cause no one else can?”

“Why must it be me,” he whines pitifully.

“Do I look like I can sing that low? Does Boo Seungkwan look like he can sing that low, you know he can’t, I don’t need to tell you that.”

“Wonwoo can do it,” Seokmin points out hopefully.

“Don’t waste my time, Seokmin. You’re either singing it, or you’re going to come up with another way to make it sound better without it. Take your pick.”

“You’re phenomenal,” he whispers to himself, scrunching the piece of paper in hand involuntarily.

⦵

He wasn’t there when her group finally won first place on a music broadcast.

He wouldn’t admit it, but he was using his old phone to stream her group’s album 24/7 on the company’s wifi. Okay, that was only half true. He was also streaming her group’s music on his old laptop too. He wouldn’t admit it, but he did send a text message in to vote for her group. He wouldn’t admit it, but when s thought he was working on the new album, he was monitoring this particular music show. He had reasons to believe that they might be able to pull it off this time.

And he was right. It’s been a long time, but they’ve finally pulled it off.

Congratulations!!!!!

I’m so happy for you!!!! J

Is the content of the instant message that he sends out moments later. It’s almost exactly identical as the message that he received for her back then. And it’s probably more deliberate than not.

He’s sulking at supper because he still hasn’t gotten a reply by midnight.

“What’d you sulking about?” queries Jihoon as they’re sitting in his composing studio, eating chinese takeout.

“You have a nice supper in the form of chinese food to eat, you don’t have to practice all night tonight, you don’t even have to work on music all night tonight if you don’t want to. What’s there to be unhappy about?”

“And his favourite girl group won their first music show today,” Seungkwan whispers, keeping his eyes glued to his chicken feet.

“Oh yeah, you’re right!” Soonyoung exclaims, holding him by the chin for a good examining, “then what are you sulking about?”

“By the way, their song is doing really well on the charts, so they might be able to win a few more times this week.”

“Don’t get his hopes up,” chastises Jihoon.

“Can you, and you, happily dating people stop rubbing it in my face.”

 “I didn’t even say anything!!” exclaims Seungkwan, utterly wronged.

“What’s this even got to do with happily dating people? Anyway nobody says that you can’t grow a pair and ask her out you know?”

“It’s not like that,” he mumbles, deflated.

“Then what’s it like then?”

“Just...I don’t know. It’s not like that.”

And to his surprise but not Seungkwan’s, they go on to win a few more music shows that week.

He dutifully sends increasingly more effusive congratulatory messages. Yes, he’s happier and happier that her group is doing so well and receiving so much love. But there’s another part of him that just wants her to reply his messages.

The sulk is now replaced by an all out glum expression.

“I don’t care what’s been eating you these few days, but you jolly well put on a good expression when you’re onstage later,” Jihoon warns.

“I know, don’t worry.”

“Good. I expect nothing less.”

Why would he not perform his best on stage? She was going to be there today, which makes it his absolute best.

Quietly, he slinks out of the waiting room and goes to watch other groups rehearse.

He’s just about plonked himself down when his phone buzzes.

Lee Seokmin.

He regards the message with suspicion. There’s nothing much to go on at all.

Now you can text me too!

This must be someone he knows.

And thank you for your encouragement and support!

What. Who.

I know I don’t say it, but I want you know that I’m thankful <3

He pries his vision away from his phone and glances frantically around. She grins at him, and in that instant, he knows.

She approaches him and sits next to him, under the guise of a better vantage point.

“Sorry for not replying your messages.”

“I know you’re busy. It’s okay.”

“Even though I’m not looking at you, I know you’re lying.”

“I legit sulked about not getting a reply the whole week.”

“I know.”

“I would have been happy with an ‘okay’!”

“You deserve much more than an ‘okay’.”

“So I deserve not to get a reply even though you know that I’ll sulk over it?”

“I gave you my phone number…and told you that you could text me too. And I told you that I’m thankful.”

“It doesn’t change that I sulked for a whole week,” he mumbles, while scrolling through the text messages.

“I’m sorry okay? I wanted it to be special, and I knew that you were going to have a schedule today. I just wanted to reply you in person.”

He doesn’t quite reply that. She sighs, “you sulked about it more than I expected you to.”

And he’s really so so so close to confessing to her right there and then. Isn’t it so glaringly obvious that I like you? That’s why I’m so hung up about getting a reply from you?

She looks around once, and then again to double check that there’s really nobody around. Today there really isn’t anyone around. His face is pressed against the metal grating, seemingly paying attention to the rehearsal. Ever so briefly, she draws a heart on his knee.

It’s unmistakable. It’s a heart. He gasps. She just drew a heart on his knee, and the confession is right at the tip of his tongue.

He can’t help himself but look at her, eyes swirling with emotion.

“I know what you’re going to say. But don’t say it,” she’s starting to tremble from the intensity of his gaze.

“I…”

“If you say it, I won’t be able to say no.”

He frowns, “do you know what I want to tell you?”

“I can see it from your eyes.”

“I don’t want to hold back anymore.”

She’s looking him right into his eyes, “please, don’t say it. It’s not real until you say it. I won’t be able to say no to you.”
“But I want it to be real.”

“Not now, Seokmin, not now. Not when we’ve finally had a hit song. I can’t. Please.”

Seokmin takes a shaky breath, “I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you.”

“Thank you.”

“Even though it kills me.”

He manages to get safely past the doors of the waiting room before he has an ugly break down.

Jihoon takes one look at him before zooming out of the door. He doesn’t find her in the waiting room, so he hurries off to the metal grating where he normally hangs out. She’s there.

He looks around, once, twice and thrice to make sure that no one will see them. The music is blaring loudly right now so they should be quite okay.

“If you didn’t like him then why did you lead him on?” scowls Jihoon angrily in her direction.

She gasps with a start before wiping her tears to see who it was who was attacking her like that.

“Do you know that he really liked you??” Jihoon continues berating her, “do you know that he doesn’t even look at any other girl. Do you know that every single time we have overlapping promotional cycles, he would watch you rehearse. Do you know that he was streaming your songs 24/7 on his old phone and old laptop? Do you know that he would vote for you diligently during break? He’s a good guy, a really good guy, why did you lead him on if you didn’t like him?!!”

She finally looks up at Jihoon with wet eyes.

“I, I, didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry!”

“It’s not your fault,” she mumbles, “please don’t tell me that he cried too.”

“If he didn’t come back crying I wouldn’t have come here raging mad.”

“But you can’t scold a crying girl, you’re a softie, just like him.”
Jihoon sighs, “I don’t get it. Why are both of you crying?”

“I know that he really likes me. And I wasn’t leading him on, I really like him too.”

“Then why the hell are both of you crying?”

“I can’t afford it, my group can’t afford it. Do you know that this was pretty much our last chance? If the song didn’t hit it big, then they’d switch to focus on the upcoming boy group? If it didn’t do well, they were thinking of disbanding us? And you’re young, my unnies aren’t as young as all of you, if we don’t make it now we’ll never make it. And we finally finally have a hit song, we finally won number 1 on a music show. Do you know how hard it’s been for us to get here? I can’t squander this chance just like that. We’ve worked too hard, suffered to much for it. I can’t.”

“You should’ve told him.” 

“I did. I didn’t turn him down. I told him not to say it.”

“Does he know?”

“He knows. He knows that I like him. I told him that if he said it I wouldn’t be able to turn him down. He understands, that’s why he didn’t say it. Even though it’s hard for both of us.”

“Then why are both of you crying?”

“I’m crying because my head says that I can’t do this, but my heart wants him. I want him. I like him so much. He wasn’t always prepared to say it, I know. There was a time where both of us weren’t going to say because we have dreams to chase. But today, he was prepared to make it real, make it worth it. It kills me that I couldn’t let it happen. It kills me that I hurt him.”

That day, her group wins number 1 again. She cries on stage. But for the first, and last time, it’s not because of the win.

He’s being blocked by Mingyu and Junhui, because he’s crying too.

⦵

Just because he knows, just because he understands, doesn’t make it easy. It’s hard. It’s ridiculously hard. Harder than it should be. Knowing for sure that she likes him back doesn’t make it any easier.

Every time he sees her, the confession that threatens to spill out of his mouth comes right to the forefront again. What makes it easier right now is that they don’t have overlapping promotional cycles.

Except that they’re both scheduled to go for award shows and end of year shows. She’s thrilled to be at award shows and end of year shows. There was a time, not too long ago where this would merely be a distant dream. The schedules have been extremely demanding due to their recent popularity, but they’ve been lucky in that none of them have gotten injured.

Bonsang in the back pocket, award speech made, and now back to her seat to chill for the rest of the night, she realises that a very familiar group is going to take the stage soon.

She hasn’t seen him since that incident which left both of them in tears. They haven’t spoken either. They’ve both been incredibly busy. That realization is akin to a whiff of icy cold wind.

She closes her eyes when she realises that it is a duet stage between him and Seungkwan, so that she can just hear his voice, free from all the distractions. Over the years, he’s learnt to convey his emotions through his voice better and better, but today he’s very emotional. She doesn’t know if she wants it to be because of her or not, but it’s not right, it’s not in her place to hope for anything. His voice cracks ever so slightly on the last note.

It’s a few moments before he back with the rest of group, smiling widely as they perform their latest songs. Wide as his smile might be, even from this distance, she can tell, it’s not a genuine bright smile from him. Honestly it breaks her heart. He deserves to be happy. Even if not with her.

He’s hiding at the back when they receive the award and give their thank you speech.

You know, you don’t have to wait. You deserve to be happy.

Is the first text message she sends him since that incident.

He has no interest in continuing this conversation over text message, and ends up calling her on the way back.

“Do you mean that?”

“You deserve to be happy. It’s not fair to you because the timing isn’t right for me.”

“Do you want me to wait?”

“I want you to be happy.”

“Tell me honestly, has something changed?”
“What do you mean?”

He scrunches his face, thinking how to put it in an appropriate manner, “you know, since you’re doing so well right now, and you’re so pretty, surely there must have been other guys who…yeah.”

“I have no interest in them.”

“Then I’ll wait.”

“I want you to be happy. Today, on stage, it really hurt. You know?”

“Should I give myself a pat on the back for conveying my emotions well?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you. I’m a patient man.”

⦵

It’s the last show before ringing in the new year, and inexplicably both of them have been slotted away in the second, supplementary, basically inferior venue. And have finished the most of their duties before the new year. Being in the inferior venue has its perks, as can be seen from the fact that the waiting rooms are all empty and it’s hard to find an empty nook because they’re couples everywhere. The inferior venue means there is no need for artists to watch the performances in plush chairs, that has got to be a definite bonus.

He’s back to watching the performances behind the metal grating. He’s been in the industry for a number of years now, and this behind the metal grating position isn’t popular at all with idols. Maybe it’s precisely it’s behind the metal grating.

She isn’t that surprised to see him there, “guessed you’d be here.”

“Where else would I be right? Every crevice of the broadcast station is being used by dating idols right now? I can’t even go to the toilet without my eyes being assaulted.”

“Heard this is your last schedule for a few weeks?”

“We’re getting a break. A well deserved break.” 

“Going home?”

“I’m so excited to be going home. I haven’t been back in five six months? I can’t wait to be back.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you.”

“I realized that I never congratulated you in person for all your music show wins and your bonsang, so I’ll congratulate you belatedly.”

“I’m finally here at an end of year show.”

“I hope that it only goes up from here.”

“But first, I need that break. Then we can be back to working hard.”

“I’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines.”

“Thank you.”

“Let’s meet at the top.”

⦵

Momentum really is a beautiful thing because the next year is a wonderful year for both groups. Her group has a second and third song that is well received. She got individual variety offers on a major broadcast station. And she got, more than one, drama offer.

Things that she could never even dream off one year ago when they all knew that this was their last chance. It’s really a miracle. How fast tides turn.

It will also be said that being popular or famous makes one beautiful. It’s true. For all the times she thought it was untrue, she apologises. As he accurately alluded to, suddenly she has celebrities trying to hit on her. But really, they’re just trying to hit on her.

“Wow,” murmurs her groupmate under her breath, “did he just express interest in you?”

“He’s really famous! You should go for it!”

“I’m not interested in him.”

“Oh, come on, just treat it as having some fun. There’s no need to be so serious all the time!”

“He’s really handsome, are you sure you don’t have any interest at all?”

“If you think he’s that handsome, then you can approach him yourself,” she scowls.

And then it arises that he could get her a juicy drama role.

It’s a very troubling development. He’s very persistent.

By then, the word of this has spread to Seokmin’s ears.

“If he’s good for you, then you should accept him,” he plainly states, with his face pressed against the metal grating.

“…if you were me, would you accept him?”

In one breath, he swallows both his feelings and his pride, “yes.”
“Really?”

“Even though he doesn’t have the best morals, he’ll help you achieve your dreams. I don’t know when’s the next time you’ll have such a golden opportunity. I know there’s risks involved, but I think if you’re careful and cautious, you’ll be okay. You’re smart.”

“What about you?”

“I’m not worth it.”

“If it were you, if it was you, and you had this kind of opportunity to become a singer?”

“Let’s not go into those hypotheticals, I don’t attract that kind of crowd.”

It’s silent for a while before she scoffs, “you say one thing and mean another.”

“No, I really don’t attract that kind of crowd!”

“It’s not that that you’re not being honest about.”

They watch the rehearsals in more silence before she finally shatters it.

“If I accept him and the drama offer that comes with it, can you promise me something?”

“Yes?”

“Can you promise me that you’ll stop waiting for me?”

“Why?”

“The moment I sell myself out like that, I’m no longer worthy.”

“Then can you do me a favour, and tell me in person if you accept him?”

“Okay. And then please forget me.”

She won’t pretend that she never considered the matter. She did. But in the end she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to like someone she had no feelings for. That’s what she said.

But actually, she wasn’t as morally upright as she would like to pretend. If she didn’t like him that much, she would’ve done it. If he didn’t like her that much, she would’ve done it. She wanted to be worth it. She wanted to be the one to make him happy, to make him smile that smile that reaches up to his eyes and wrinkles his face.

⦵

“You should get over her,” Jihoon flatly declares when he finds her watching her rehearsal.

“Hmm?”

“You can’t not know that there’s tons of rumours swirling around about her.”

“She isn’t with him.”

“Are you sure? But the rumours don’t stop going around.”

“She said she would tell me if she accepted him.”

“If she told you to keep waiting for you while she dates some famous actor, I’m going to cut a .”

“She wanted me to promise her to stop waiting for her.”

“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t promise to stop waiting for her.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes, “you are so whipped.”

He doesn’t have to uphold his side of the promise that he never actually did promise, because she didn’t get the major acting role.

You’re worth it.

Is the text she sends him when the news finally drops, surprising half the entertainment circle in the know—the lead actress was someone else.

He is so flabbergasted he doesn’t quite know how to reply. But he’s flattered. He won’t even say that he’s not flattered.

“I can see why you’re in such a good mood,” Soonyoung remarks when he sees him bouncing out of his studio.

⦵

The next time he finds himself at the broadcasting station, he suddenly finds the waiting room overrun by her group members. He glances, looking for her, but she isn’t there, and wonders why they’re even here in the first place. Still, manners are important, and there’s really no one else there who can greet them, so ever the polite boy, he does.

“Ah, just nice, we were looking for you.”

“Yes, is anything the manner sunbaenims?”

“Look at him, he calls us sunbaenims.”

“Do you call her sunbaenim too?”

“I’m sorry?”

“This was the boy she turned down the drama offer and a rich actor for.”

“We just came to check you out, to see what was so good about you.”

“I mean, idols with boyfriends can have sponsors. You’re not even her boyfriend and it wasn’t even a sponsor offer, and she turned him down!”

“I’m sorry?”

“Do you even like her?”

“Or is she just imagining things?”

“I do! I like her a lot!”

They all blink, stunned, at him.

“I was not expecting that?”

“Then why haven’t you confessed to her yet?”

“She won’t let me. Work first. She has dreams and goals to chase.”

“So you know that she likes you?”
“And she knows that I like her.”

“That stupid girl,” a groupmate finally relents, “she doesn’t need to do this to herself. It’s not like we have a dating ban or anything.” 

“Ah unnie!” she cries as she locates all of them harassing him in his waiting room, “I told you it was fine!”

“We had to see what made you turn down that opportunity of a lifetime.”

“We had to check that he knew what you did.”

“I found out from the media too…”

“I’m sorry, Seokmin,” she says before dragging all her groupmates out.

“How long has this,” the group mate gestures wildly, “been going on”

“What do you mean?”

“How long have you liked this boy? You must have liked this boy for a long time if you’re turning those kinds of opportunities down.”

“No wonder you never showed any interest in other celebrities.”

“2015 or 2016?” she squeaks

“And we’re finding out now?”

“Does it matter? We’re not dating.”

“Yeah sure, you’re not dating him but you gave up an opportunity of a lifetime for unknown reasons.”

“You’re not dating him but when asked if he even likes you, he comes right out and says yes.”

She has her ears covered from halfway through the sentence, focusing on something else, refusing to listen.
“Don’t say it aloud. Don’t make it real. Don’t make me want nothing more than for him to wrap his arms around me.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

“Go, go to him then, go to him and let him wrap his arms around you.”

“But if I do, I won’t be able to act. I won’t be able to focus on promotions anymore.”

“But you like him.”

“I like him so much that I turned down something that I once thought I would never be able to turn down, you know? And you know what the worst part is? I don’t even regret it. I don’t even regret it one bit. You know the reason why I turned it down? ‘Cause if I took it, I wouldn’t be worthy of him. Even I think I’m crazy.”

“Go, go and find him.”

“Do you know, for the longest time, I kept holding because of you’ll. Because everyone was putting 110% into promotions, and I couldn’t put 110% if I got distracted.”

“You want him more than to be an actress though.”

“I don’t view that as the choice that was presented to me.”

“The world would.”

“But I don’t.”

“Now you keep holding because you want to put 110% into your individual career, and you can’t if you don’t hold back?”

“So I keep holding. Even though it’s hard. It’s so hard.”

⦵

It isn’t just a good year for her. His seemingly non-important, non-promoted song actually did startlingly well on the music charts. It’s non-important and non-promoted because it was his self composed song, and it was put out in a single album.

He breaks down seeing the song hit number one on the charts. It wasn’t for very long, but he, his song hit number one.

His song does so well that they end up deciding that he should promote his song.

He will end up doing too many interviews asking him whether the song is based on his personal experience. Yes it was. Then he got a whole barrage of puzzled interviewers asking why his song was so full of longing, when he has such a happy personality. Just because I have a happy personality doesn’t mean that everything I want goes my way. This is but one instance, but you learn to smile despite everything.

The day actually comes when he stands onstage, alone, to deliver a thank you speech after winning number one on a music show. It’s not coherent. He manages to force out a thank you before sobbing throughout the whole thing. The ever faithful Seungkwan has to emerge from backstage to hold him for half his encore stage.

The company pushes him to release another song pronto, in order to ride on his current recognition. But he refuses. That’s not how singers work. He sincerely believes that it will kill his momentum to do so. And he doesn’t have the perfect follow up song just yet.

A few months later, he does though. And has the impunity to choose to release it on her birthday. It does well at the initial moments of release, and the decision is made for him to promote again.

It’s a dream that he never wants to wake up from when he actually walks on the roof of the melon.

Then he fields even more questions asking him if he longs for love so much that he now has what? Multiple self-composed songs broadly around that theme. He can’t lie, and the answer is yes. Now they push and ask if he has someone in mind, and again, he can’t lie, the answer is yes. For some reason, news sites actually regard this as newsworthy.

Now grandmas recognise him when he goes to the supermarket and ask for his autograph—honestly, those grandmas are really nice, so pleasant. Well meaning seniors offer to hook him up with some girl. To which he politely declines.

In a coincidence that he would call sick, someone up there decides to put them on the same episode of the same variety show. She’s promoting her drama, he’s promoting his solo.

There he was asked if he hoped that the subject of the song had heard his song. And the answer was yes, he really hoped so. Intractably, they actually asked her what she thought about his song. She said that she really liked it, and she believes that the subject of the song heard him well.

“Hey, since that’s the case, since she likes your song, why don’t you’ll consider dating?” says a seemingly innocent emcee that day.

He won’t know how many beats his heart skipped when the emcee said that.

“I also really like your songs too sunbaenim, does that mean that I should date you too?”

She smiles at his shocked expression, “don’t worry, I know sunbaenim has a lovely wife and three adorable children. I apologise for that, please don’t take it seriously.”

“I meant it though…” comments the said emcee backstage.

“Why, do you think that Seokmin-ssi and I will match well?”
“There’d be that kind of understated chemistry that’s very attractive.”

She raises an eyebrow at him.

“And everyone knows that you’re that idol girl who turned down the very famous actor.”

“What has that got to do with anything?”

“It’s been said that he was very persistent, and it’s a badly kept secret within the industry that you only managed to turn him down because you told him honestly that you had someone else that you liked very much. But you weren’t dating him. I’ve heard, and I believe it, that the reason why he respected that decision is because he respected your verve and your devotion. The quote now goes around that you’ve ever said that you wanted to be worthy of him.”

“I won’t confirm or deny anything.”

“Don’t you think that you and Seokmin-ssi are the same kind of people then?”

“In what sense?”

“It’s also a well known fact within the industry that Seokmin-ssi has never dated anyone within the industry, and from the best rumours, he hasn’t even dated outside the industry. Yet, he clearly longs for someone.”

“So you’re trying to play cupid for us?”

The emcee readjusts his shirt, “I was going to let it pass, but I can’t help myself. He was really trying not to, but it was obvious that his eyes kept floating in your direction.”

“I didn’t notice that?”

The emcee nods sagely, “I’ll commend the two of you really, for keeping it together for so long. I won’t tell anybody, don’t worry about that. But I’m an old fox, I’ve been in the business for so long. I can see the earnest longing in his eyes, and it’s only grown stronger. And even though you’re not going to admit it, I know you reciprocate his feelings. Don’t tell him that, but I’ve had my eye on him for a long time, because I’ve been thinking of courting him after his contract expires.”

He chuckles, “I say that, but I know you’re going to tell him anyway. I wasn’t sure that it was you that he liked, but today made it very clear to me that it is you that he likes. And when I searched it up, I realized that the release date happened to be your birthday too. Tell me that’s a coincidence. The only thing that still puzzles me is why if he likes you and you like him, and even someone like me can see it, then why haven’t you’ll gotten together yet. And it doesn’t sound like him, so I’m going to hazard a guess it’s because at first you were trying to get your group off the ground, and now that it’s off the ground, now you’re trying to make a name for yourself as an actress. And Seokmin-ssi, that charming man will get in the way of that.”

“That is indeed a very interesting theory.”

He scoffs, “maybe this old man has said too much. But I wish you all the very best.”

“Thank you for your well wishes.”

“And by, the way, it’s Dokyeom-ssi, not Seokmin-ssi. Clearly someone calls him Seokmin huh.”

⦵

For some inexplicable reason, they always get thrown to the venue where there is no seating for idol groups. That suits both of them just fine—their preferred form of seating is behind the metal grating. This year has been demanding for him. He’s had to sing two group songs, and then a short duet cover with a female vocalist and then his own solo.

Suffice to say that he was tired when he finally got to sit behind the metal grating on the 31^st of December. She was already there.

“Tired?”

“Tired, but happy.”

“That’s good.”

He keeps the distance between them, as usual, but today she slides herself nearer to him. Near enough such that their knees are touching when they’re both sitting cross legged. He uncrosses his legs stiffly.

“Just for a while,” she whispers, “indulge me.”

If she asks for it he will cross his legs such that his knee is in contact with hers for the next 2 hours that they’re going to be here.

She would say thank you but she draws a heart on his thigh instead.

He can cry. He really can cry.

When the fireworks explode, he takes hold of her hand which is resting on his knee. And he squeezes her hand tightly in his.

She twines her fingers with his. And this time he actually lets out a cry.

“I’m sorry, but thank you for waiting for me.”

He brings the back of her hand up to his lips, “I don’t want to hold back anymore. I can’t hold back anymore.”

“One year. No matter what happens in the next one year, no matter what, I’ll be yours by the end of the year.”

“Really?”

“Yes. No matter what happens. No matter what.”

“Promise me?”

“Yes. Promise.”

“Don’t you even dream of breaking this promise. I’ll really make you keep it.”

“Never. I’ll keep it. You don’t know just how much I can’t wait to be yours.”

“I’ll wait one more year. No more, you don’t raise my hopes so high just to let me cry over you again.”

“One year. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take not being yours anymore. I can’t, I deserve to be happy too. I kept holding for the group. And now I keep holding for my career. But I’m a human with feelings too. Come what may, I don’t care, at the end of one year, I just want to be happy.”

“We’ll make it, we’ll make it.”

“Thank you for waiting for me. Please, this is the last time I’ll ask you to wait for me, but for the last time, one more year, please wait for me.”

“I’ll wait. I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I love you.”

“Seokmin!”

“You already know that. You’ve already known that for years.”

“You can’t say it like that…”

“You just never wanted me to say it because you didn’t want me to make it real. But you’re already prepared to make it real. I just have to wait 365 days, which I’ve already agreed to do. I’ve swallowed this line for years and years, I wanted to say it.”

“God, you know how to make things difficult for me.”

“Don’t ask me to take it back, I won’t take it back.”

“I love you too, Seokmin.”

The tears leak out from the corner of his eye, “suddenly I don’t know if I have the patience to wait 365 days. It just got so much harder.”

“Why do you think I never wanted you to say it?”

“This is going to be the longest 365 days of my life.”

⦵

As it turns out. He’s right that they’re going to make it. She gets enough drama offers for her to pick and choose, and she had the luck of selecting very good projects, turning in a small hit before a big one.

And between the two dramas, her group had a very successful comeback.

The netizens now refer to her by the name of her character in the drama.

She’s had a fantastic year.

On his end, his group won yet another physical daesang. It’s been a mammoth struggle, but he manages to keep his budding solo career afloat while doing full group promotions. It’s particularly sweet when before they go onstage to receive the physical daesang, he actually has a digital award of his own. He valiantly fights against breaking down on stage—the moment when a digital award is more treasured than a physical daesang.

He’s now that main vocal idol whose heart is full of longing, and grandmas really like.

He’s had a fantastic year.
 

All that stands between her and a bear hug from him is her preparation for the end of year shows. That’s it. A break has already been declared and she’s going to take a few weeks off at least. But the preparation is really killing her—it’s not the preparation that is killing her as much as the anticipation of seeing him.

This time, seeing him means something completely different.

She’s supposed to be taking a quick nap before she rushes off to the station again, but she can’t take a nap. But she’s hugging her bolster and imagines how warm it will be to have his arms around her waist, her chin on his shoulder. And obviously she can’t nap after that.

He sings as many songs as he did last year, though this year, he’s finally managed to persuade the stylists to put him in an all black button down shirt and black pants. And to style his hair up.

Seeing her today has a completely different meaning. And he wants to be utterly  dashing and charming and will take all the help he can get. The spring in his step literally has a life of his own to everyone in the know.

“Don’t worry, you’re absolutely irresistible today!” reassures Seungkwan just as they head upstage.

“Keep holding, just one more duet stage, then you’re done for the day,” comforts Soonyoung when they’re done with the group performances.

But it’s scarcely comforting, because this time why on earth does he have schedules that spread across two years?? Everyone else is already free, but here he is, waiting to go up on stage to sing a duet stage. Yes, he loves opportunities, and singing at an end of year show is a huge honour. But it’s misery this time, he just wants to run to behind the metal railing where he knows she’s waiting for him and hug her. Thank goodness it’s a gloomy song, because he won’t be able to force a smile when he’s literally counting the seconds pass.

Onstage, he tells himself that this is the last and final time that you’ll ever have the correct emotions to sing these sad ballads with feelings of longing. You better damn well do it well. Make her fall in love with you some more, then you have the permission to dash off stage to find her. Three more minutes, then you’re home free.

He sings perfectly. Has to spend another five minutes praising his duet partner, because manners, and taking a few selfies, which really is eating into his patience so much. And then they get shooed off. He’s never been so happy for people to tell him to make way.

And he’s scrambling up the stairs, through the seldom used corridors in the direction of the seating behind the metal grating.

She’s up from the floor the moment she sees him and she runs into his arms. He holds her so tightly to his chest, the sobs just finally bursting free. She fits so perfectly in his arms, and it’s heaven. He doesn’t even care if people are seeing this, all that matters is that she’s finally in his arms. After years and years of longing, she’s in his arms.

“I love you,” she says, like it’s an evident fact, gazing right up into his teary eyes.
She reaches upwards and captures his lips with hers. It’s an emotional but innocent first kiss.

“I love you so much,” he chokes out, still trying to compose himself.

She wipes his tears gingerly with her thumb, “don’t cry. I don’t want you to cry over me anymore.”

“Tell me,” he begs, “tell me what I’ve waited for so long to hear. Please say it. Please.”

“Don’t hold back. I’m yours.”

Which reduces him to a total sobbing mess.

“Oh god,” she exclaims before gathering him in her arms, “don’t cry. Shh, don’t cry.”

“Go on a date with me. Let me be your boyfriend. Don’t make me hold back anymore, I can’t do it anymore. Don’t tell me that I can’t say that I love you. Be with me, just be with me,” he’s actually bordering on a state of frenzy.

She rubs circles on his back, another hand messing with his hair, “yes, I’ll go on a date with you right now if that’s what you want. Yes, I’ll be your girlfriend. Yes, don’t hold back anymore. Yes, I love you too. Yes, I’ll be with you.”

“Really? I really don’t have to wait anymore? You’ll really date me? You’ll really be my girlfriend?”

“Yes. Right now. I’ll date you right now, we can go wherever you want. And yes, I just said yes to being your girlfriend.”

“You don’t know how hard it was,” he sobs, “how hard it was seeing you but not being able to touch you. You don’t know how hard it was seeing you but not being able to express my feelings for you. You don’t know how hard it was.”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would be that hard for you.”

“It was so hard. You don’t want to see how many songs I’ve written about you. It will scare you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“Stop telling me that you’re sorry. Tell me something that makes it real.”

“I love you, I love you so much Lee Seokmin.”

“I thought that I’d be so euphoric. I even asked my stylists to put my hair up and put me in a black button down and black pants so that I’ll look better. And here I am crying, I’m such a loser really.”

“Lee Seokmin, you’re drop dead handsome.”

He bites his knuckles, “I can’t get used to this. You just said that I’m handsome. You’ve never praised my looks before. And you just said that I’m drop dead handsome. You’ve never said that you loved me except once one year ago, and you just told me that you love me. You’ve never told me to stop waiting, but you just told me to not to hold back. You just said that you’ll go on a date with me.”

“Lee Seokmin, I love you so much. Really. Don’t hold back because I’m not going to. I’ll go on a date with you right now. I’m yours. And you’re so bloody handsome.”

He’s just crying non-stop.
“What do you want me to do to make you feel better? I’ll do what you want me to do.”

He points towards his cheek, begging for more affection and she is more than happy to indulge him.

“I love you. I’ll say it until you get used to it.”