"Tall, warm decaf cappuccino for Junmyeon." He reaches out to grab the drink with his left hand and heads out quickly to the door. Autumn. It's his third year here and the place still feels foreign to him. One more term and he will be graduating from his Masters degree in Music. A few more months and he is still not sure if he will be ready to come home. 

Three years seemed lengthy enough for his cuts and marks to heal. There are now just faint marks on his wrists and arms but he still likes to keep them covered. Looking at the marks still brings painful memories in Seoul. He tries to take refuge in the cold air to ease the feelings he still keeps so badly bundled inside. He has never forgotten. 

He is lost in trying to squint, reading the store signs when a shoulder bumped him from behind causing his coffee to spill to an onward moving man. He peered down to a pair of white shoes facing him now stained with specks of the brown liquid. He is supposed to apologize but ---

White shoes. Foot steps slowly moving away. 

"If I leave will it make you feel less burdened of my love?"

"I want your answer."

Junmyeon can clearly hear that voice breaking. Followed by choked up mumbles of his name.

"I need you. If staying in this place makes you live in the dark we can leave together, you know? Come with me."

Maybe now he has the courage to give his reply. This is a safe place, he tells himself. He is not here in Marseilles and he will not hear my reply any more. He will not be bound by the truth in my answer. This time, the truth will not matter. Right? 

Finally he stops and says the words aloud as if the other is in front of him in the middle of the empty street. 

"No, Yixing. Your love is not a burden to me. When you left that day, I smiled tearfully because I have freed you of your burden. You have freed yourself from the burden of loving me. I am the burden, Yixing. My love for you keeps holding us back to a dark place that you always have to give your light to keep us alive and safe. But I can't allow you to spend your life doing that for me. You can't keep burning yourself to give me light. I love you, Yixing. I will always love you to the end of my existence." 

Junmyeon closed his eyes. He can't describe the feeling of finally letting those words out.

Then it flashed before him. A flicker of white light. Bright, white light moving in front of his eyes. As if it has wings, the speck of light moves to the top of his head lingering a bit on his blond hair, to his right shoulder before settling on his left palm. Precisely on his finger. His ring finger where he still wears that platinum band. 

"Yixing..." Junmyeon mumbles.

He closed his eyes remembering that familiar pattern. Three years ago. Those were his last kisses. To his head, to his right shoulder, to his ring finger after he put on the platinum band there.

Those were his last kisses before he left me. Those were his last touch. 

He is confused by these sudden flood of feelings in his being. Fear. Love. Regret. Sadness. Longing. He feels everything all at once in his heart. It is beating so painfully inside his chest. He feels the October air hitting his cheeks but he doesn't feel cold. 

"It can't be. No, it can't be." 

Junmyeon never noticed but the white light stayed close behind him while he hurries to go back to his apartment. He needs to finally make that one call. He needs to come home.