Seeing outside the window of the car and letting a deep breath out. Rows of houses he has never seen before or anything. He going to live in a new house, school , friends. Restarting his old life and changing into a whole different one. After all those years he has been in that small town and having some friends. They were only three friends he has or at least had in his old house. Being a smart person and being shy everywhere he went, meant not having a lot of friends. Biting his lips remembering how people in his old school would pick on him and he would do nothing. He didn't want to get in trouble and make the students picking on him mad or it will get worst for him. How is he going to deal with new people?. The school. Will there be anyone willing to be his friend or anything?. It's settled he won't talk to anyone. Only knowing himself and his parents and his younger brother.
▪
Being his first time moving. His parents bought a house in order to make him “happy”. Since his parents knew about him being picked on in school. The word “Happy” does not exist in his own book of words. Not saying he has ever felt any “happiness” in his life , of course he has. When he was a small child and almost everything made him, even the simplest things in life. But, all of it change for him when he turned thirteen. His hormones started to take action. Making changes to his body and such. But something else change that made him this way. He has his younger,  Jongdae. Seeing how his parents paid more attention to him. Making sure he was well feed and not get into trouble and buy him the best for their younger son. Both of them were treated the same but now at that age. He did notice that, at first he thought he was just being too over dramatic. As time went on it was only getting worst and worst. Kyungsoo remembers Clearly when he got horribly sick. Being dizzy and not being able to eat without wanting to throw up not having anything in his stomach. His body feeling not having any type of energy for him to get up and get medication for himself. He went to his mother and told her how he felt. “ Kyungsoo please , go away I'm busy”. Biting his lip and feeling his vision starting to blur. “but mom I-”. His mother looked at him and sent him a glare. “go to your room now”. There was a tone of anger in her Voice. She went back to talking to her Sister. Kyungsoo’s Aunt. Noticing the scene in front of her she quickly became concern unlike his mother. Her facial expression dropped from being smiling to a serious one. As Kyungsoo was about to leave with the little strength he had, his Aunt got up from the table and walked towards him and rested the back of her hand on his forehead. “Kyungsoo dear , are you ok? You are sweating dead cold and you look weak”. Blinking his eyes , trying to see better in front of him. “n-”. Right when he was about to respond for himself. His mother interrupted him. “oh dear sister,  please pay no attention to him”. His Aunt looked at him and grabbed his weak hands. “but sister , your own child is sick , he is weak.” looking at his sister with an worried expression. “he is not , he's just over dramatic and crazy”. His mother got up and walked towards him. Kyungsoo looked at his mom with his blurry vision before he knew it. Turned his head sideways and threw up on  the floor. His mother pushed him, “Kyungsoo!”. Feeling the harsh force from his mother , he tried to stop but couldn't. Instead his mother went towards her room. 
▪
After that his Aunt had to take him to his room and give him medicine. His mother never did go to his room and see how he was doing. A few months later , Jongdae became sick. The same way he did. This time Jongdae came home from soccer practice and told his mother how he was feeling. Right away she stopped what she was doing and went to Jongdae’s help. Getting him to lay down in his room and taking medicine and of course making him soup. Seeing this right before his eyes. Feeling his heart shrink and be torn into little pieces. Without even knowing he was shaking and taking deep breaths. Running towards his room , locking the door behind him and letting himself fall down to the floor. Grabbing his hair and pulling it downwards, tears falling down his face. He had no control over his emotion and tears. Taking huge breaths as more tears were streaming down his face. Feeling the air around him get thicker by the more breaths he was taking. Having mixed emotions, both anger and sadness. He has been holding back from his emotions, mostly tears. Feeling anger towards his mother for paying attention to Jongdae right away,  when she left Kyungsoo when he threw up, not even pity showed. This was to much for him to process on his mind. Giving his younger brother something is different but ignoring him when he is completely sick?. If his parents didn’t even care about his care then how will other people care about him when not even his own parents take care of him. 
▪
Days, Months passed that he has started to show more and more attention to his younger brother. He decided to ignore it , again but after that incident. How could he?. His feelings were piling up. Anger and sadness filling inside his heart. He couldn’t take it anymore when Jongdae got picked up from school just because he wanted to, unlike Kyungsoo who was not feeling well , again. He went to ask in the Nurse's office  for a telephone. Once he had dialed the numbers , he knew by heart. “Hello?”. Kyungsoo let out a sigh. “ it’s me, mom , I'm not feeling well , can you please pick me up?”. His mother  was quiet and let out a sigh, “I can’t , I’m too busy at this moment and focus on your classes just another excuse from you”. Kyungsoo bit his lip and closed his eyes, “but-”. “I told you I can’t and what is wrong with you getting sick constantly?. It’s getting annoying”. before Kyungsoo would at least defend himself , she hanged up. Having no other choice but to listen to her. Getting his weak self to the rest of the classes. Once he got home with dead tired eyes and a pale face , he opened the door to see Jongdae in the living room with a bowl of cheese balls and grape soda and there he was playing his game on the game console , laughing his off while moving the control in his hands. He turned around to see who it was and noticed it was his older brother and smiled at him and turning his attention back to his game. “hey Kyungsoo”. Rolling his eyes and deciding to sit down on the couch. He feel he could faint at any moment. Jongdae noticed this and paused his game. Seeing his older brother barely taking a seat on his own. “what’s up with you?”. Taking a deep breath and sitting down. “I-I feel s-sick”. Jongdae smiled weakly, “Why didn't you call mom? She picked me up”. He finished saying as he played his game again. Kyungsoo was about to respond back but deciding not to. Feeling inside hatred for his brother and his mother. How could they spoil him so much?, what about him? , did everyone forget about him?. Getting his last energy inside of him and walking towards his room, as he was about to close the door he heard voices his mind was curious what they were going to say. “My precious little baby!”. Knowing by heart that is his mother’s voice. “Mom! You’re back! Kyungsoo just came back also and he’s not feeling well”. His mother laughed. “Again? There is just something in your older brother wanting attention”. Kyungsoo felt his heart drop down to his feet and break into million pieces. Like a delicate vase that someone tells you not to touch it or even come near it for having the fear of breaking , but someone goes and touches it and cause it to break into million pieces , scattered all over  the floor. That is his heart. Without having any control of controlling his feelings and breaking down into tears. Closing the door slowly and quietly , not letting them know he heard them. When he closed the door , taking heavy breaths and feeling no other emotion but sadness and anger. Placing his hand on his chest and letting tears out. Pulling his hair down to his face and shaking his head. Thinking “why me? What about me?”. Letting his hair go and taking easy breaths. Maybe his mother was right. Maybe he did want attention. Quickly drying his tears and walking towards his nightstand and taking out a blade. He secretly took this blade from a broken sharpener his friend had. He told him he would throw it for him. Instead, he got up and looked like he was going to throw it away in the trash can but shoved it inside his pockets. Later when he got home , he removed the blade with a screwdriver and threw away the rest of it. He had no idea why he did this, but something inside of him was telling him to take the blade. Grabbing the cold blade on his fingertips. Expecting the blade in front of him . seeing how it still had some grey pencil shavings, blowing air to see if it would get it off. That didn’t work . instead deciding to remove it with his fingers. With the sharp side in his fingertips , sliding his finger against it and feeling a burn on his index finger. Making a straight line , feeling the opening. Finishing sliding his finger against the sharp edge and soon seeing blood dripped down to his palm. He wasn’t focused on the pain that he did to himself but instead on the blood dripping down and feeling something inside of him wanting to see more. He was about to do the same thing with his thumb but there was a knock on his door. He got startled and causing him to drop the blade and shake his head. Blinking his eyes and looking down at his index finger. Quickly wrapping his finger around his bottom of his shirt. “Kyungsoo?”. Since he dropped the blade to the floor , quickly stepping on the blade in order for them not to see it. With his other hand he tried to remove his tears. Taking a breath . “come in”. Opening the door and seeing Jongdae with chips in his hands. “Do you want -woah”. Kyungsoo looked at himself and looked Jongdae was looking. “Why is there blood on your shirt?”. Pointing where he what he was talking about. Looking down at himself and seeing some blood was showing in his shirt. “I was working on a school project and right when you knocked you startled me that I cut myself”. “I’m sorry Kyungsoo”. “It’s ok”. “Oh right um mom asked if you wanted dinner?”. He asked as he grabbed chips from the bag. “Yeah  but I need to clean myself”. Jongdae took a bit out of his chip and smiled. “Ok , I’ll tell her”. He left the room. Kyungsoo let out a deep breath and walked towards the door and closed it. 
▪
That’s how Kyungsoo remembers when it all started, self harming himself. It only started by small cuts on his fingertips but now it was more towards his wrist. His friend’s did notice this but just ignored them or just make up any lie he had. All Kyungsoo emotions are Anger and Sadness. Remembering when and why he started. To get things worst for him. His parents deciding to move houses in order to make Jongdae and himself  happy or he should say his parents. He knew the real reason they were moving.
▪
His Parents relationship was breaking apart.
▪
Only to make matters worse , his Father was cheating on his mother back in their old home. Kyungsoo’s father is a therapist ,people coming in and telling him his problems and giving them some advice in life. How funny his father helped people when instead his own son needed help. Having a lot of customers telling him their problems , he met a young woman who had problems with her alcoholic abusive boyfriend. His father being there for her and soon they both started to have secret affairs, his mother trusted his father being by himself in his job, guess she wasn’t expecting that. He heard their conversation two weeks ago , a week after they told their son’s they were moving. “I told you to stop seeing her!”. “She needed my help! She gets enough in her life!”. “Because you are full of !”. “What about you!?”. “Don’t change the ing table on me , I know you are still ing her!”. “Why do you care!”. “Because we're still married!”. “Why do you even want to move and still live with me!?”. “ to get you away from that ! And to see if we can still work out for Jongdae!”. Kyungsoo’s eyes went wide open, “what about him!?”. “You know we ing can’t! You can’t make me get away from her!”. 
▪
“Kyungsoo , were here”. His thoughts were interrupted by his mother . smiling at him. The fakest smile he has seen on her. Turning around and seeing his father dead serious while looking in front of him. Jongdae hugged Kyungsoo and smiled widely. “New house Kyungsoo! That means we have a bigger house and rooms!”. Kyungsoo pushed him , “get off of me”. Jongdae let out a pout. “Kyungsoo , I heard you”. He only rolled his eyes. Opening the car door and seeing the house in front of him. His parents followed , his mother smiled and let out a sigh. “Well , let’s get packing!”. She clapped her hands and walked towards the door and unlocked it. The house looked like a haunted house. a big window that looked to be in the living room, the house was of bricks and had a pointy roof. He was about to go inside when Jongdae pushed him, “last one is a loser!”. Giving him a death glare behind his back. Resting his palm on his forehead to get some sweat off his forehead. It was clearly almost midnight but it was hot, he is wearing a black sleeve shirt. In order for him to hide his cuts. Crossing his hands over his chest and walking inside. 
▪
His father told Jongdae and him to bring their boxes and start unpacking to their rooms. Jongdae was happy like always. Unlike Kyungsoo who was unhappy while unpacking. Having his door closed , he heard his door being knocked. “Kyungsoo?”. He stopped taking out his clothes and going towards the door and unlocking it. Seeing his mother with a worried face. “Why do you lock the door?”. Kyungsoo only looked down at the floor. “His mother walked into his room and looked around his room. Noticing her odd behavior and knowing something was going to happen. “I need to talk to you”. Turning around and facing her son. “About what?.” “you are being mean to Jongdae and you are being anti-social towards everyone in the family , even me”. Kyungsoo was about to respond back. “What is wrong with you? Huh? You have no feelings towards your family , you have no heart! You're not even a human being because you feel or have any emotions , you cold hearted person if that’s what I can call  you!”. His mother was looking at him with anger in her eyes and pointing his finger to his chest. “Now , get out and eat dinner with us like a real family instead of you being in your room locked up”. His mother left and slammed the door in the quiet house. His eyes wide open and looking down at himself and placing a hand over his heart, feeling his heartbeat. Feeling his own heartbeat . he did have a heart and he is a human being . why would his own mother say that to him?. Letting his tears drop and taking heavy breaths and pulling his hair. Letting one hand go inside his pocket and take out the same old razor , his only true friend. “Kyungsoo! Dinner time!”. He quickly put his razor away and walked out of his room and dried his tears with his long sleeve. Going to the kitchen and seeing how bigger it was than their old one. In the table was four plates with take out food in them. “Let’s eat” , his mother said as she gave everyone chopsticks. His parents sitting next to each other and Kyungsoo and Jongdae next to each other also. He was about to take a bite out of his food when his mother spoke up. “What is wrong with your face?”. Jongdae looked at him , “his eyes and nose are red”. His father only looked at him and down at his plate. “ anyways , see how normal you look while eating with your family? Instead looking like a freak who’s a loner”. Kyungsoo looked his mom and dropped his chopsticks to the floor. Causing a loud noise in the kitchen. Pushing his chair and getting up , walking outside. He had enough of his bull from his family. He ignored the voices behind him , he was to furious to care. “Kyungsoo! , get back here!”. His mother’s voice . Jongdae’s and his father's. One thing his scolding him but another thing is calling him a freak. He wants to die already. Opening the back door and seeing how the full moon shined brightly. Letting his tears down his face and kicking the dried grass and dirt around the place. Reaching inside his pockets and taking out a blade, getting his arm in front of him and bring his long sleeve shirt down to his elbow. The once beautiful white skin was now marked with his own artwork. Some were deep cuts while others were small and light cuts. As he was about to slide the blade to his wrist someone spoke up. 
 ▪
“New here?”. He dropped his blade and covered his wrist by bringing his long sleeve down. Turning around and seeing a tall male with a cigarette on his hands. He has a deep voice that made his back shiver. “Huh?”. Kyungsoo said in a whisper. The male laughed , he has a loud deep laugh. “New neighbor?”. He asked as he brought his cigarette to his lips. “Uh .. yeah”. The male got closer to where the wooden fence was and took out his hand. “Chanyeol , Park Chanyeol is my name , nice to meet you”. He is taller in up close than further away. Kyungsoo accepted his hand shake. “Do Kyungsoo”. Chanyeol smiled at him and took a cigarette out. “Need one?”. Kyungsoo looked at him and down to his hand, he was about to accept it when he removed his hand away. “No thanks, I’m already in enough trouble”. Chanyeol nodded his head and put the cigarette away. “You know I wasn't going to say anything to you but I saw you with that blade and I had to stop you”. Kyungsoo’s eyes went wide open and bit his lips. “W-what blade?”. “ I saw you and don’t do that”. Chanyeol put his cigarette to his mouth and let out a grey smoke. “Why?”. “Why what?”. “Why do you care if I do or not , it’s my choice”. Chanyeol smirked. “I have seen people life’s end and it’s a mess but you're too Handsome for that”. Kyungsoo felt his cheeks go red. “H-how have you seen them end their lives?”. Chanyeol took a smoke and shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t worry about it”. Kyungsoo looked at him and down at his hands. “You know , you should hang out , enjoy a smoke or something to relieve your stress”. Looking up he saw the older drop the cigarette to the ground and step on it. Hearing the dirt and his shoe mix together. Then he patted Kyungsoo’s head. For some reason his heart was beating for Chanyeol and his cheeks red. 
“Sweet dreams”.
▪
Someone actually stopped him from cutting himself.

~
Finally posted a chapter! I really wanted to post this since a long time but stuff came up. Yes , I tried to write in a different way or style hope it's good. Tell me what you think and should I make some chapters about some episodes from the show or on my own or both?.
Also 
I may focus on Kyungsoo’s mind than Chanyeol unless I get requests.
And 
Some are how I have acted when I was in that state so it does come from my actual experience since I know that feeling that I felt for 3 or 4 years and even sometimes now.
Some stuff is personal while others are from the show
But I'm not saying what.
Anyways 
Thank you for Subscribing 
Please
Comment
Upvote 
Subscribe 
If you like

until next update

~