“Eric… It hurts… Everything hurts…”

                He was calling out to me again, the slow whispers that rippled across the inner walls of my soul.

                “Swear to me—”

                I already knew the words, carved into my flesh with jagged glass. But my entire being stretched apart, torn from end to end, bleeding agony and regret.

                “Swear to me you’ll keep living.”

                I wanted to scream, to protest, to flail out my limbs in pure desperation. It was as though I was drowning, sinking deeper into the black waters with my feet weighed down by my own fear. I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to remember.

                “Swear that you’ll live for my sake.”

                I awoke with a start, my heart at the verge of explosion. My whole body was trembling, every inch of my muscle aching as though I had just run a marathon. My lungs throbbed with each breath, pain striking them as air threatened to expand them too far. I caught my face drenched in cold sweat, my hair nearly dripping.

                Pathetic. I was the definition of pathetic.

                “Darling, are you alright? Did you fall asleep again?”

                The warmth of her body had an instant effect. The raging waves calmed under her single touch, her gentle against my shoulder. Without thinking, I grabbed her hand and pulled her into a tight embrace. I held onto her as though I was struggling for dear life. At first surprised, she quickly wrapped her arms around me, patting my back like a mother to a child.

                “You’re working too hard these days. You’re so tired,” she said softly. “You really need to tell your boss that he’s overworking you. Or at least ask for a raise—”

                “Haeyoung ah, I’m sorry,” I told her, ashamed. My voice shook, alarming her.

                “What are you sorry about, honey?” she replied. “Did you have a bad dream?”

                I bit down on my lip, unable to answer. My silence was enough for her.

                “Was it him?” my wife whispered. I heard the underlying fear that she tried to hide. But I knew.

                We were both afraid. Afraid of him.

                Haeyoung let me go and smiled warmly at me. “Don’t worry. It’s been hard for you, you two were very close. We’ll get through this together, okay?”

                “It’s… been nine years, Haeyoung.”

                Nine damned years had passed since it had happened. And I was still a ing mess.

                What was the matter with me?

                “And it’s been five years since we’ve been together. Doesn’t it feel like time flew by?” she said, diverting my attention.

                “Actually, it feels like it’s been a lot longer than that,” I responded.

                My wife pouted cutely. “Well, they say time flies when you’re having fun. Guess it was only fun for me.”

                I chuckled at her reasoning. “No, I mean it feels like I’ve known you since forever. I can’t remember you not being by my side.”

                I was stunned by her dazzling grin, her eyes disappearing into thin lines. This woman I had been blessed to meet was truly beautiful. She had come into my life at my lowest point, when alcohol and cigarettes had been my only companion. During the first years of our relationship, it had been mostly her holding my hand as I confronted my monsters, attending multiple therapy sessions and relearning how to live like a human being again.

                She had stuck by my side. This woman, this angel. Oh Haeyoung was a miracle I did not deserve.

                I drew her closer until I felt her breath against my skin. This woman was alive, her heart beating in sync with mine. She was the one who had been sent from the heavens to free me from my memories.   

                My memories of him.

                I kissed her passionately, our lips already used to each other. Everything about Haeyoung was familiar, everything about her was comfortable. There was no pain when I was with her, just healing.

                “Eric ah… It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

                I drew back, as if I had been burnt. My head shook and I nearly passed out from the aching.

                “Are you alright?” Haeyoung asked, her brows knitted together in worry.

                I smiled at her. “Yeah, just a migraine. I’m going to take some medicine before I go out to meet Minwoo.”

                “Right! It’s already getting late! I’m going to start preparing dinner for Eunsung and Hyunsung.” Haeyoung scurried away into the kitchen. She got a glass of water and two Excedrin pills which I took gratefully. “Try not to drink too much, okay? You don’t seem to be in a good condition.”

                “Of course,” I pecked her on the cheek. “I’ll try to be back before the kids fall asleep.”

              “Have fun,” she smiled. She held my gaze for a second too long, her sweet expression melting into a mellow sadness. “I… I love you a lot, you know that right?”

                “Yes. And I vowed to love you forever, remember?” I replied. I softly cradled her face in my hands and kissed her as I did on our wedding night. “I, Mun Junghyk, take you, Oh Haeyoung, to be my wedded wife, and I do promise and covenant, before God and these witnesses, to be your loving and faithful husband, in plenty and want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.”

                She giggled as I cited our wedding vows. “How do you even remember all of that when you can’t even recall a list of four items I asked you to buy from the grocery store?”

                “Because it’s important to me,” I stated, firmly looking into her eyes. “You are important to me.”

                Finally, she broke from my gaze, her cheeks a shade of shy pink. “Alright, Romeo. Go meet your friend before I don’t let you out.”

                I chuckled. “Alright, I’ll go. Miss me?”

                “You better be back before I miss you or you’ll be in a lot of trouble,” she warned jokingly as I put on my shoes by the entrance.

                I waved goodbye to my beloved wife before turning to leave. Perhaps a small part of me knew what was to come – I had the sudden urge to turn around and get another glimpse of the lovely woman. But I dismissed it and willingly left my home, my safe haven.

                Little did I know that I would not return for a very long time.

***

                “How have you been?”

                Ever since nine years ago, the casual question had become much heavier when asked in my direction. As I suspected, my friend’s eyebrows were knotted together, his face dark with concern.

                “I’ve been well,” I stressed, trying to ease his intensity. “It’s been crazy with the kids, but Haeyoung is a natural mother so I’ve been just following her lead.”

                “Haeyoung is great,” Minwoo agreed. “How you found such a great woman is beyond me.”

                “Definitely,” I agreed wholeheartedly. “I still dread the idea of not having her there by my side. I owe Andy my life.”

                Minwoo poured me a shot of soju before pouring himself one. “You know, I was supposed to meet her first. Andy told me years before you two met that he had this wonderful friend, a nurse studying abroad, who would be perfect for me.” He chuckled and raised his glass. “But God knew you needed her more than I did.”

                I followed and raised my glass after him. “Yes. God knew.”

                We drank in silence. Old friends, we were. It had been twenty years since I’d known him. Twenty long years. Wrinkles framed his once twinkling eyes and roots of silver peeked beneath his reddish brown hair dye. Lee Minwoo, one of my dearest friends, had aged very well, still a devilish handsome man. He remained faithful to the music industry and was now a widely respected artist in all of Korea. I smiled, reminiscing of our past, the six of us, headstrong children, not knowing when to bend and turn. Instead, we just gripped firmly onto each other and rammed every obstacle in our path head on. Everything had been perfect, everything had been what we had ever dreamed of.

                But my memories ended there. I couldn’t remember anything else – could not fill in the spaces in between. What had happened since then that I was where I was now?

                It was an ominous black hole, a complete mystery in my own history. Of course, people had told me. Everyone around me had uttered the name. They had whispered it back and forth, driving me mad, but I never knew why the name shook me so much. Then there were the dreams. I wasn’t even sure what they were; were they fragments of my past or my imagination? I heard the voice – such a distinct voice that I could pick out from millions. I saw the blood crusted lips. And were there eyes? Yes, brown irises, darker than the moonlit sea, their pupils dilated from the pain. I could recall them staring back at me, holding me captive, until he drew his final breath and their light was released —

                “Munhyuk?” Minwoo dragged me out of the tides of my thoughts. “Are you alright?”

                “I… I wish I remembered more of him.”

                “Of who?” he asked, although he already knew.

                “Shin Hyesung.”

                It seemed like a century ago when I had last uttered his name. I was told by my therapist that I could refer to him as a pronoun if it was too difficult to say it. I didn’t know why, but it would knock me senseless every time. It hurt now, but it was easier to ignore, the pain gentler with years of healing.

                “Hyesung…” Minwoo frowned. His grip on his glass instantly tightened. “What do you want to remember?”

                I shifted in my seat. “Anything. Even his face. I can remember certain features… but I just can’t piece it together.”

                “You really don’t remember?” Minwoo grimaced. “He was… important to me. To all of us. But he was especially important to you.”

                “What do you mean by that?”

                “For one, he was your best friend. You two were… close.”

                “I have you,” I grinned at him. “I have Andy and Junjin. And Dongwan, although I hardly see the bastard anymore. And I have Haeyoung. In a way, I’m thankful. Because of what happened… I got to meet her.”

                Suddenly, the air grew cold. Minwoo shook his head at me, upset and angry. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you remembered a single thing about Shin Hyesung.”

                “Hey,” I raised my hands defensively, surprised by the quick change in the atmosphere. “I meant that there’s a silver lining to everything—”

                “Did your therapist teach you that?” Minwoo snapped, his voice notches too loud. “Do you really think –” He stopped himself short by clenching his jaw. A few awkward moments passed as my friend sat stunned by his own words. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Eric. I must be tired that’s all. Work’s got me all over the place. I’m actually going to go. I’ll see you later, okay?”

                “You… You called me ‘Eric’,” I murmured in shock.

                My friend didn’t seem to hear me. “I’m so sorry again. I’ll catch you later. I’ll come by next time to see the kids, too, okay?” he continued to ramble on as he hastily gathered his belongings.

                I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye as my old friend scurried away as if he was being chased.

                “E-Eric,” I called to myself. I already knew of the name, but it was strange being addressed by it after so long. It was as if Eric was actually a totally separate entity, a different being. Fascinated, I scrutinized my hand to see if I had been transformed. It was still the same me, but something had changed. Eric rang in my bones and resonated throughout my entire soul.

                Exactly the same way Shin Hyesung did.

***

           As I climbed up the familiar stairway to my apartment, my feet staggered as my mind tried to process what had happened. In a way, it was more than understandable – I had not been the only one to take the accident hard. Minwoo had told me of his difficulties, his sporadic nervous breakdowns that had frightened those closest to him. Choongjae had perhaps taken it the worst – he had even been hospitalized from drug overdose, an incident none of us ever dared to speak aloud anymore. Perhaps Andy had been the most productive with his misery; he had buried himself in work to keep himself preoccupied at all times. He told me it was to give himself no space to think of anything else, because his mind would always race back to the one hyung he could no longer see. I never saw Dongwan anymore. I had seen him at the funeral of course, a funeral I could hardly recall, but I was sure he had been there. I remembered that it had rained – I remembered the black umbrellas that adorned the memorial ground as we hummed a hymn in a broken, melancholy tune. Had it been an open casket? Had I gazed upon his face as I cried and cursed the heavens for taking him away from me?

                “Eric… It hurts…”

                His voice was like a sudden shot through the head, a piercing pain that nullified all my other senses. My legs failed me and I dropped like an anchor in water to the cold ground. I clawed my way across the floor to reach the door. Was it even my door? Would Haeyoung be there to answer?

                Will she save me like she’s done a thousand times?

              I almost made it. But the pain was too much and my vision was blurring. I knew it was impossible to reach the door now. I closed my eyes in surrender. Perhaps if I fell into slumber, the pain would subside –

                Just then, I felt it at the end of my fingertip. Paper, slightly wet and worn. Curious, I brought it close to my face for examination.

                It was an envelope. “To: Eric” it read.

                Although the name still rang foreign, I was certain it was mine. Still lying on the floor as a sullied mess, I opened the letter.

                Except it wasn’t a letter. It was a pile of pictures. The very first one killed me.

                It actually felt as if I had been stabbed in the chest. Again, and again, and again. A thousand times over.

                I saw his face. The face I had forgotten for nine years. But that wasn’t the worst part.

                I remembered his face. I remembered all of it – the thin lips before they had been dirtied with blood, his tall elfish nose, his soft brown hues that disappeared into lines as he smiled – as if I had never forgotten. And it hurt. It was like being ripped apart over and over again.

                “Eric ah, what’s wrong?” he said, pouting ever so cutely. God, how I loved his lips. I wanted to graze them softly with my fingers and test their tenderness.

                So that I knew what they felt like before I kissed them.

                That thought made me jump. Then I realized something strange – something so strange that I couldn’t understand how I had not realized before.

                The sharp pain in my head had vanished as if it had never existed. And I was no longer lying on my side, I was now standing. In the middle of an unfamiliar living room. Only a small distance away from an unfamiliar man.

                Except nothing about this was unfamiliar.

                “Eric? You’re freaking me out,” he scolded. “You’re not sick, are you?”

                Yes, I was sick. I was mad. I was insane. Something was completely wrong with me.

                Yet everything was so right.

                I instinctively took a step closer to quickly close the gap between us. It was as if my body already knew. My feet gained strength as I neared him. My arms became more powerful as they wrapped themselves around him.

               It had been nine long years since I had desperately tried to push the remembrance of him away. It had been nine long years since I had cursed him, hated him, despised him until my mind had finally erased the trace of his perfect face. It had been nine long years since I had finally mended from the gaping wound he had left in my life.

                And yet, now that he was right in front of me, everything else disappeared. Nothing else mattered except for the fact that I held him so close with his heart beating against mine.

                This man who was destined to die. And I who was cursed to live on without him.

                “I missed you, Hyesung.”

                And I knew I had never uttered truer words.

[A/N]: And I deliver you the first chapter of this fic! (Since the prologue doesn't really count lol) I was in a hurry to write this since I really wanted to post an update... I'm sure you can notice the weird transitions and the rushed plot (and believe me, it bothered me sooo much reading it over), but I decided that sometimes it's better to move on then be stuck on a specific part forever. I thought it would be appropriate to name this title Remembrance just as a tribute to the original story. Also, hope you guys caught the (not-so-subtle) Oh Haeyoung cameo from Eric's latest drama hehe ;) Although this chapter wasn't the best, I have a lot in store for this fanfic! So I sincerely appreciate all your support! Also, I will be updating Love and Friendship soon (I have the skeleton, I just need to write it lol, I'm actually very excited with what's lined up for that story :D) Again, thank you so much, guys. I appreciate each and every one of you. Saranghae <3