November 12th, 2008

             Everything had to be perfect.

            I awoke to that single thought ringing in my head. Everything had to be perfect. There was absolutely no room for mistake. I swiftly ran to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked bloodshot with extremely heavy bags embellishing them. My lips were dry and my face was rugged. If I ever doubted my physical appearance, it had to be now.

            “Damn it,” I murmured in dismay as I reached for my toothbrush. There was no time to complain about my looks. I had to get ready in time for the big event.

             The big event. I felt like I was going to hurl.

            He’s going to love it, I tried to tell myself, but I didn’t feel an ounce better. Maybe he would hate it. But there was no way he could possibly hate it, right?

              No. With him, he could hate it.

            Why did I have to love such a picky man? I groaned, overcome with stress. Maybe I could postpone the date. But no, prolonging the wait would not help in the slightest…

             I was really going to do it. I was going to propose to him. Today.

            “Ow!” I shouted as the blade of my razor cut my cheek. My bathroom sink was spotted with red. Rather than registering the pain of my wound, my heart dropped at the sight of my reflection in the mirror.

             He was definitely going to comment on the little cut on my face later. I could already hear his critical voice in my head: “You can’t even shave without hurting yourself?” But then he would softly touch my injury with his tender fingers, worry creasing his forehead. “Dammit, Eric. You always make me worried.”

            “Then stay by my side. So you don’t have to worry. Forever,” I said out loud as if my lover was in front of me. I could picture his confused expression transforming into a brilliant smile.

             I grinned in satisfaction. Maybe he wouldn’t hate it after all.

***

             I trotted down the path to the flower shop with my heart pounding.

            “Mrs. Lee! Are the roses ready?” I nearly shouted as I walked in. There were no other customers at the store except for a balding man waiting for his bouquet of lilies. The older lady behind the counter waved at me in excitement.

            “Ah, Junghyuk ah, you’re here! I picked the best roses for you, sweetheart,” Mrs. Lee smiled, wrinkles framing her eyes.

            “You’re the best florist around. I knew I could always count on you,” I commented jauntily.

            The man standing in line turned to look at me with his brows furrowed. For a moment, I thought he had recognized my identity, but the man just smiled instead. “Are the roses for your girlfriend?”

            At first, I was taken aback by his words. My girlfriend? I almost laughed out loud, imagining how terrified Hyesung would be at that title. “Something like that. I’m going to propose,” I replied shyly. “How about you, sir? Are the lilies for your girlfriend?”

            “For my wife,” he told me. “It’s our eleventh anniversary.”

            “Wow! Congratulations! The flowers are beautiful, I’m sure she’ll love them.”

            “Thank you! They’re her favorite.” The man quickly pulled out some cash and bowed at Mrs. Lee in thanks. “Good luck! Hope she answers yes!”

            “Thank you!” I cried after him as he waved and left the store.

            “Proposing, my dear?” Mrs. Lee questioned me with a curious grin on her face.

            I could not help blushing as I nodded.

            “It’s about time, my boy,” she said with a giggle. “Is she beautiful with a kind heart?”

            “Extremely beautiful,” I answered. “With kindness that rivals no other.”

            “Ah, you seem love struck. Maybe she’s the one,” Mrs. Lee told me as she wrapped up my flowers.

            “I’ve had that feeling for a very long time.”

            From the moment I met him, I had fallen so deep.

            There was never going to be another like him.

            “There you go, one hundred in all,” the old lady said as she handed me the exquisitely red bouquet. She quickly took my credit card and gave it a quick swipe before returning it. “Best of luck, sweetheart.”

            “Thank you, ma’am,” I told her gratefully as I exited her store with pure glee. I breathed in the soft scent of the scarlet pedals and beamed.

            It was definitely going to be a good day.

            … Right?

***

            “Is everything ready?”

            I had finally made it to the restaurant, the Twilight Ocean, a gem on 6^th Street Hyesung and I had found in our trainee days. Years ago, it had been called Charlie’s Moon Cakes where the owner, Mr. Park, had served inexpensive rice cakes and ramen. Eventually, Mr. Park’s son took over the restaurant and completely renovated the place into something classy and spectacular.

            Thankfully, Mr. Park’s son, Sunho, was a good friend of mine. That kind of thing happened when someone went to the same restaurant for over a decade. Loyalty was a proud trait of mine and I didn’t intend on letting go of it for the rest of my life.

            Which meant Twilight Ocean was going to be stuck with me forever.

            Which also meant that Shin Hyesung was going to be stuck with me forever.

            “The food, the wine, the lights. I even got the best pianist I know to play for you. For two hours, this place is completely for you and Hyesung alone,” Sunho informed me with a smirk on his face. He was perhaps the only one who knew of my plans of proposal. “So you’re welcome.”

            “You’re seriously the best,” I agreed as I looked around. Everything looked amazing: the lights were perfectly dimmed and the entire place was empty except for a black grand piano and a round table covered in spotless white cloth. There was a line of waiters by the entrance to the kitchen, ready to be dispatched, and utensils and a single candle neatly organized on the surface of the table. “Everything looks perfect. Not too shabby for you, Sunho.”

            “I took extra care into everything. And the food should be amazing as well. We’re going to serve you toasted brioche rounds with caviar for appetizers, fillet mignon, medium rare, for the main course, and tulips with raspberry sorbet for dessert, just as you ordered.”

            “Perfect. Thank you so much, Sunho.”

            He smiled. “Hey, you hooked me up with Min and I was looking to repay you for that.” Gently, he placed a hand on my shoulder. “And you know, I fully support you right? I think you and Hyesung are meant for each other.”

            “Thank you. That really means a lot,” I told him as I gave him a big hug.

            “Well, isn’t Hyesung coming soon? Go get changed into your suit before he comes.”

            I checked my watch. “You’re right. He should be here in less than ten minutes. And I’ll shoot him a text just in case the bum’s still sleeping.”

            “Please. Shin Hyesung is never late. Not when he has a promised date with you at least,” Sunho remarked.

            I chuckled. “Yeah, I love that about him. I love everything about him actually.”

            My friend cleared his throat and muttered something like “get a room” under his breath, but I couldn’t possibly care. I practically skipped to the bathroom to change my attire.

            The suit I had prepared to wear for the event was my favorite. It was all completely black, matched with a navy blue tie. Actually, the tie was a gift from Hyesung a few years back and I saved it for only special occasions. Also, the suit was my favorite only because Hyesung had once commented on how good it looked on me even if it was under the influence of champagne. After putting on my neatly polished dress shoes and making sure everything was perfect – Hyesung always noticed the most minor flaws – I turned to the mirror. My hair was combed down and my outfit seemed to be in place. There was not much I could do about the bags under my eyes, and there was still that small cut from this morning, but overall, I didn’t look too bad for someone who felt as if his heart was beating out of his chest. With trembling fingers, I took out a small box from the inside pocket of my jacket and opened it.

            Inside laid two small diamonds embedded into silver bands. I thought perhaps proposing with rings was going a bit overboard; besides, I wasn’t asking him to marry me after all. However, I still wanted him to understand that I took our relationship very seriously. I wanted him to realize that I didn’t just want him as a group member or a friend. I wanted him as something so much more because he had a place in my heart that I was never going to surrender to anyone else. It didn’t matter that we weren’t going to get married. Perhaps we never would due to circumstances. Perhaps we would never be able to publically tell the world about our relationship. However, even so, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to live with him, and I wanted to be by his side for the rest of his life.

            I wanted this ring around his finger as a reminder that he was mine and mine alone.

            Because I was already his.

            Time was ticking now, and I realized there was only a minute left until Hyesung would arrive. I fished out my phone to text time, but decided to call him instead.

            After only the first ring, someone picked up on the other line.

            “Hello? Eric?”

            “Hyesung?” I called, my heart seeming to throb just at the sound of his voice. “Hi, where are you?”

            “Hey, I’m almost here,” he replied. “The traffic is crazy. Where are you?”

            “I’m already at the restaurant,” I told him as I walked out of the restroom. I went to retrieve the bouquet of roses that had been resting on the counter.

            “What?! You’re earlier than me for once? What’s the special occasion?”

            I had to bite my lip to resist the urge to laugh. “Nothing. I just woke up early.”

            “I refuse to believe I’m arriving later than you lazy bastard.”

            “Well, you better believe it ‘cause I’m getting sick of waiting for your stupid .”

            “Let me speed a little, I think traffic is clearing.”

            “No, no, take your time. Please drive safely. And you shouldn’t be talking while you’re driving anyway. Tsk tsk.”

            “Shut up. I’m at a traffic light anyway. I’m across the street from the restaurant. Do you see my car?”

            I walked up to the window and there I saw him, smiling and waving at me like a fool as we met eyes.

            “What are you holding? Flowers?” he asked curiously.

            Oh, . I tried to hide the bouquet only seconds too late. “Just get here, okay?”

            “What’s really going on, Eric?”

            Damn him and his curiosity. “Just hurry up and get here. Then you’ll find out.”

            “If this is one of your pranks, Eric—”

            “I swear it’s not…”

            I watched as he glared at me from afar. I watched as the light turned green. I watched as his car shifted forward into the intersection. I watched as another vehicle, ignorant of all stop lights signaling him to halt, sped at over sixty miles an hour and plowed straight into the driver’s side.

            I watched in silence, my eyes wide with terror, my mind unable to register what was happening before me. I wanted to scream out, cry, something, but my entire body seemed to shut down as I witnessed the car that held the love of my life spiraling out of control. My arms went limp and the bouquet of roses fell beside me, lifeless and forgotten.

            This wasn’t real. This could not possibly happening.

            Yet it was.

            Someone cried out, a woman who was potentially a pedestrian nearby the scene. Her scream jolted me awake from my trance and I ran like I never ran before out the restaurant. Running felt strange as I could not feel my legs nor my lungs as they pushed to their limits to keep me alive. As soon as I got there, my heart dropped as I saw the destruction up close. Debris was everywhere and my skin prickled from heat as flames went up from the wreckages. I searched for Hyesung through the rubble, holding onto dear hope that his body was still intact.

            “Call the ambulance!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, hoping someone close by would hear me. “Please call the ambulance!” I sounded mad, but I had to get help. At this rate, I wasn’t even going to find Hyesung—

            Then I heard it, a faint sound of a person gasping out in pain. It was miraculous that I even heard it amongst the chaos, but it was too early to thank the heavens yet.

            “Hyesung! Hyesung!” I cried out wildly. With all my strength, I managed to move all the car fragments out of my way to get to him. There he was, trapped underneath what I assumed had once been the roof of his beloved vehicle. “Hyesung! Are you alive? Answer me, dammit!”

            When I saw that he was unresponsive, I tried to drag him out of the ruins in panic, but halted immediately when he screamed out in pain.

            “Hyesung ah, can you hear me?” I asked as I kneeled beside him.

            To my relief, his eyes flickered open. “Eric ah?”

            I laughed out in insane joy. “Oh, my gosh, I was so worried you were—”

            “Eric ah… W-What happened?” he asked in a whisper.

            “There was an accident… But it’s okay. Everything’s okay. Because you’re going to be okay,” I told him soothingly. He nodded, but his eyes gradually began to roll back. When he seemed to lose consciousness, I cried out, “Hyesung! Hyesung! No… Stay with me! The ambulance will come… Please…”

            His eyes slowly opened again. “Eric… Eric, I…” he murmured feebly.

            “Shh, don’t speak… Just keep breathing. Everything will be alright, I swear.”

            Despite my words, I crumbled in horror when blood trickled down the corner of his lips. “Eric… It hurts…” I reached for his hand in an attempt to comfort him, but his expression of pain only intensified. “Everything hurts…”

            “Everything… Everything will be okay…” I uttered as the tears fell. My words fell empty, unable to convince either of us as my lover struggled to remain awake with every gasping breath.

            “Eric… I think I’m going to—”

            “No! Don’t say it!” I shook my head madly. “You’re not going to die!”

            “But, Eric… It hurts so much…”

            “You’re not going to die… I won’t let you…”

            Hyesung swallowed back his pain and looked at me with a small smile. “If… If I do… Swear to me… Swear to me you’ll keep living. Swear that you’ll live for my sake.”

            “Stop… Stop saying such bull…”

            “Eric ah… Promise me… I need you to promise me…”

            “I… I promise…” I agreed reluctantly. “But you’re not going to die,” I added stubbornly. “You’re not going to die. Let’s just pretend… Let’s just pretend this isn’t really happening, okay? And before you know it, you’ll be fine and everything will be as if this never happened…”

            Hyesung tried to laugh weakly. “You’re right. Eric, this is just a nightmare, right? I’m not really dying… but having a bad dream?”

            I gave him a small grin as I wiped the blood off his chin. “Yeah… You’ll wake up soon, I promise… All the pain will cease, too… Just hold on a little longer, Hyesung…”

            “When… When I wake up, let’s laugh together about it… All six of us… let’s laugh about how silly my dream was…”

            I tasted salt as tears inundated my eyes. “Yes… We will. The six of us, we’ll definitely laugh about it…”

            “Yeah…” The way he smiled at me shattered my heart. Would this be the last time I would see him smile? “We’ll be okay… I promise, Eric…”

            I didn’t see how we would be okay, but I didn’t dare voice that opinion out loud. “The ambulance should be coming soon, Hyesung…” I said instead. “Just a little longer, okay? Hold on just a little longer…” I pled as I cradled his face.

            Hyesung nodded, but the action made him cough violently, splattering my suit and tie with red. He cried out, his fingernails digging deeply into my palms and his eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head again until the attack subsided.

            His torturous pain broke me into an unfixable mess as I wailed out in agony, covered in his blood. “Hyesung… I’m really sorry… It’s all my ing fault…”

            Because of my selfishness… Because of me…

            “Eric, shut up already…” he sighed.

            “If I hadn’t called you out… If we weren’t supposed to meet…”

            Hyesung tried his best to shake his head in disagreement. “Shhh, stop talking nonsense. I’m glad this is how I die…”

            I gasped at his words. “… What?” was all I could get out.

            “I’m so happy, Eric… That you’re here, right next to me…”

            I squeezed his hand. “… Hyesung…”

            “I’m the luckiest person in the world. To have you holding my hand… To be hearing your voice… Even if I go to hell… I’m so happy to die like this…”

            “Shut up… You’re not going to die…” I muttered persistently. “Help is coming… Everything is going to be okay…”

            Hyesung closed his eyes and tears mixed with red rolled down his cheeks. “Eric ah… I… I don’t think I have much time.”

            At that, I howled out, a sound I never knew could escape from my lips, a noise of absolute woe and misery. At that moment, something shattered within me and I think I knew that my life would never be the same ever again.

            I was going to lose Hyesung. I was actually going to lose him.

            There was no way I could live on without him.

            “Hey… Don’t cry… You, crybaby…”

            “H-Hyesung…” I gasped between my sobs.

            How can you be leaving me? How can you think that I can live on without you?

            “I don’t want your tears to be the last thing I see…” His voice, the tender voice I loved so much, was nearly inaudible now.

            “Please…” I begged as I’ve never begged before. I begged the heavens and I begged any invisible force that held power over his life. I never wanted or desired anything more in my life than for Hyesung’s heart to keep beating. “Please… You can’t die…”

            “It’s okay, Eric…” A lone tear trickled down his cheek as he looked past me and stared up at the sky. A smile possessed his lips, a smile free of pain, a smile free of suffering.

            “Eric ah… It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

            Then I saw it, how the light started to leave his eyes, the soft brown hues transforming into a lifeless black. I looked at him in horror as he returned my gaze ever so blankly.

            “No…”

            I felt myself slipping into insanity.

            “No… No… No…”

            I looked around madly for help. In the distance, there was a blur of red and blue lights racing towards me and a group of scattered people amongst the wreckage.

            “You… You can’t die yet…”

            I felt as if I was going to explode. My ears were deaf to the chaotic noise around me and all I could hear was the thunderous beating of my heart.

            “Not yet… You can’t die yet… Not when…”

            And I saw it, the same cursive letters on a fancy sign reading Twilight Ocean. The single wax candle burning away on the empty white table next to the grand piano. The fillet mignon searing brown on a grill and the bottle of wine from Napa Valley waiting to be uncorked in ice. A pair of promise bands resting upon my bloodied chest, never to be worn.

            “Swear to me you’ll keep living. Swear that you’ll live for my sake.”

            How was I to keep such a promise when my life was already over?

[A/N]: Yes, this isn't a new chapter... it's actually the special chapter in Remembrance (sorry). However, I think it's been so long that many of you probably forgot and since this is a spin off of Remembrance (this chapter is very important), I thought it would be appropriate to recycle to refresh your memory ;) I sincerely apologize for the break (it's been foreverrrrr)! But I am back now and hoping to write like I did before. I will be uploading really soon! Thank you and love you <3