　　ː̗̀EXIT 01 : the crew of heads, as told by jeon jeongguk ː̖́

YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

click here for eng to kor translation

Dear Ming, people who I have not met besides my ugly cousin and his boyfriend, and said boyfriend,

I have been informed that I've been employed as your tour guide and while I am not being paid and actually doing this out of the goodness of my cold, stone, grinch like heart (Ming's words, not mine)— and for money to buy some stuff on Pokemon Go (more on that later)— I will have you know that there will be no tomfoolery on this trip unless I am doing said tomfoolery.

(I hope there is a word for tomfoolery in korean)

(If not I hope Ming can translate that for you guys)

(If not him, then he has his boyfriend to try to explain that to you guys)

[By the way my name is Jeon Jeonguk and my scale is Jongguk.
I am an international playboy so don't believe what Ming tells you.]

By signing up to travel through the wondrous land of America you are giving up your rights to be ty tourists;

I will not tolerate Hawaiian print shirts or sun hats, sunscreen on your nose and fanny packs. We will try to eat in as many fast food places as we can so I don't want to hear anything about keeping a specific diet or weight at all unless you have a food allergy (that is real serious, trust me). Please remember that I am not responsible for anyone getting arrested, hurt, or dying on this trip— literally NO ONE HAS TIME FOR THAT. And just for a heads up: I beg you guys to remember to bring cash and underwear; I don't really know how much Won coverts into Dollars (nor will do the conversion for you becuase I'm horrible at math) and don't want to be responsible if your identity gets stolen if you choose to use your credit cards so just take out cash and convert it before we leave the airport.

Currently we have five to six destinations in mind. I really hope one of us knows how to use a map and GPS because I sure know I can't. Also there will be a schedule for the aux cord and no, we will not play Everytime We Touch by Cascada (I'm looking at you Ming).

According to Ming these are the people I will be guiding for the next three weeks. Please email me back to confirm that the heads listed underneith this kindly written letter is indeed you.

And remember kids: Safety first, safety second, coolness third.

Love,

Jeon Jeongguk

PS: I'm also holding up an audition for the role of my next girlfriend so if you happen to have a pretty friend or are pretty yourself please let me know so I can get into contact asap.

JONGYUL LEE

your stressed out™ navigator

"I AM SEVENTY PERCENT STRESS AND THIRTY PERCENT NOT IN THE MOOD."

Look, I've only met the guy in person once. It was like two summers ago and I thought he was a girl until he opened his mouth cause his hair was so goddamn long. But you want me to describe him— death goth baby over there? I mean…if we’re going to do the whole Meet the Parents kind of thing, then I guess…but how the hell do I even start?

Okay, let’s see… for one, he looks like L from Death Note. He probably has a death note as well. Probably tells his mom that “this isn’t a phase, it’s a lifestyle”. The kid is kind of intimidating though, no lie, doesn’t stop looking like he’s about to chew your head off and make sure no one finds your body (or maybe he just wants people to stop eyeing Ming, it could be either, who knows). He’s like a pet Chihuahua, but more vicious. You know, like the ones from Beverly Hills Chihuahua or something— yeah those dogs. And here’s the thing about Jongyul— he loves hot cheetos more than he loves Ming — which is saying a lot, seeing as how Ming and him have matching outfits and went to the Namsan Tower together and everything, it’s kind of gross, like super gross, like catching your parents doing it gross. Ming can’t stop talking about him either, like we get it, you’re extremely gay, I can smell it from across the world. The gay is real in this one.

And apparently, from what I heard, he’s the smartest one out of the bunch? I don’t think that’s saying much though. Doesn’t seem like the brightest tool in the shed, not after he called an anteater an animal with a hose for a mouth…but remember kiddos, don’t judge a book by its cover. He also looks stressed out all the time…its like he can’t catch a damn break, and if you ask me, it’s probably because Ming is killing his brain cells (shut up Ming, you know its true). I think he’s about 90% stress, 7% Hot Cheetos, and 3% Ming (I know, the hot cheetos takes priority over Ming, blasphemy). Ming sure has a lot of faith in someone who thought the Statue of Liberty was in New York. But I have to say, puberty did him really well, no wonder why Ming likes him so much…with that …like bro, no homo though, but bro. His face is nice too and I’m saying this in the most bro way possible. Like bro, you never know what's packing underneath all of those sweaters and terrible life choices.

But I guess, with great power comes great responsibility, and as the right hand man of the Devil itself of this sinking ship, I can see why Minguk likes the emo princess so much. I always knew Ming had a thing for goth es (damn, I need me a freak like that too). Jongyul is like, Ming's voice of reason, the reason to why Minguk hasn't squared up on yet (I'm still waiting though, I would totally pawn his ). Don't see what Jongyul sees in gangly ogre Ming though, what about being over 6 feet tall is attractive? With good cooking skills? And a nice voice? Like? Where are your priorities Jongyul Lee? Maybe we should seek them out when we travel through the Americas.

MINGUK KWON

your captain of this sinking ship

"DO not make me turn this car around and ship your back to the republic of korea."

Ugh. I don’t really want to write about this kid because he’s literally the bane of my existence but here we go.

You guys all must know Minguk Kwon some how, in some way, since you guys were most likely invited by him to join him in this fictional magic journey across the amber waves of grain and purple mountains majesties (if you don’t get this reference don’t worry, I don’t either), but by the strange chance you don’t know him I’ll give you the spark notes version about him: you know that kid that your mom’s friend gave birth to and your mother loves to compare you with? Yeah, that’s him. And if you’re groaning to that statement and visual then you understand my pain because apparently I’m the inferior of the two 'guks in our family? Like hello you guys are sleeping on this golden piece of called me. Lame. Whatever.

Anyways, He’s the tallest er I’ve ever met— trust me, I’m pretty tall too in my timbs, but even he towers over me— and one of the most attractive guys too cause the Kim dominant genes (thanks mom, auntie) but beyond that there really isn’t anything particularly special about him. Sure, the kid has been on the honor roll since he came out of the womb and has been seen wooing women left and right with his whole ‘filial son’ schtick of caring for his mother as if she were the queen of England and ‘husband material’ potential just cause he can wield a knife without hurting himself and calling the local Chinese Restaurant to cover up the lack of food made because of said incident (not that I’m speaking from experience or anything), but honestly there’s nothing else to him that should be deemed spectacular about good ol’ Ming. What you see in this golden boy is just an illusion: Minguk is honestly a dweeb that memes harder than that one K-POP star dabs in his twitter videos, he’s a savage in sheep’s clothing,
DO NOT TRUST MINGUK KWON.

[Don’t say that I didn’t warn you when you see the light one day because I’ll just be here laughing at your sad and shaking my head at how you all are so naive about him.]

But I mean before my mom calls me and asks me to say something nice about him I guess I can tell you this: no matter what differences I have with my cousin— the one who’s perfect from head to toe, the superior 'guk, the child that my mom practically tricked my dad into conceiving me the moment she found out her sister was pregnant— he’s genuinely a good guy and should be rewarded for the kindness and patience he has when working with other people. As the guy responsible for dragging all of our asses out of the comfort of our homes and on a journey where literally anything could happen he just wants to make some memories and learn a little before life gets in the way and we should be grateful for that.

... but then again with all that responsibility of getting us from point A to B we should be very careful to not take advantage of that kindness because the scariest people are always the nicest ones and I would love to make it home after this month is over and not see myself buried six feet under, thank you very much.

JEONGGUK JEON

YOUR NO.1 unreliable TOUR GUIDE

"SOMETIMES I THINK I'M THE BUT I REALLY JUST HAVE TO GO TO THE RESTROOM."

So this is me! (I can hear you thinking of groaning even before you do it so shut up Ming).

I'll be your primary source for all things American by being your sole tour guide (even though I don't really know anything beyond California) and translator (even though my Korean is kind of ty too). Honestly I don't know why I was chosen instead of someone more competent but apparently my mom already paid Ming a hefty load to get me out of the house for the rest of the summer so... who knew Ming could be so conniving and evil right? Is this the person you guys are putting your life into the hands of? Personally I would ask for a refund but oh well, you guys are probably half way through packing by the time you get this email and it's not like you guys can get your money back on those tickets you bought already— I mean, ahah what fun America will be right?

Here's some things you should know about me: I love In N' Out, I own 24 white t-shirts, and I have to catch them all. Pizza is an international delicacy and if you don't think I won't square up if you make fun of my Clefairy, trust me, I will. I think you guys may be a little concerned about this trip, especially 'cause I'm at the helm of it, but trust me: we'll have a great time. Seriously, I'm actually not that much of a up that Ming makes me out to be. We'll go see every statue in the country— yes, even the Liberty one— I'll show you guys the baby pictures of Ming that I posess, and I hope you guys are ready to learn some American slang (I know Yul is). And to conclude this wonderful, amazing introduction by said amazing person: I am a shining diamond amongst the coals and Ming can it because Team Valor rules.

PLOTLINE ONE

the stereotypical asian tourist

"A QUOTE HERE."

According to the word of Minguk Kwon, you are the cutest one of the bunch. With that said you are designated to be beside me in every group photo so we can capitalize on said cuteness. [We will become the next it couple. Better than Suzy and Woobin will ever be.] But because you are said cute I feel like I have the responsibility to protect you from all kinds of predators that crawl around this great land of America so don’t be alarmed if I am hovering around you for the majority of your time here. That being said, I also heard from Ming that you like Hawaiian print shirts; Before we can further escalate this relationship, I am putting my foot down at such atrocity. Please reread the letter attached above before packing your suitcase because I will not have the honor to evaluate your choice in clothing so I trust that you will listen to me when I say no to such articles of clothing.

Along with your dangerous charm you apparently are the most excited to come visit America which makes me equally thrilled to meet you but also a bit concerned. Though I am your trusty tour guide I feel it would be best to have you help plan our daily activities since you appear to be enthusiastic in research of all things fun and exciting. But as much as the land of the free and the brave may sound appealing it is still a large place that can easily swallow you up and cause us to lose you in a blink of an eye so I beg of you: Please do not make me chase you around amusement parks all day because you want to go on every ride; This desire is technically impossible unless we have fast passes and no one else around us. Please do not eat five hotdogs before going on the biggest rollercoaster there is because you will regret it and I don’t want to regret making you regret your own life decisions. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THE GROUP EVEN THOUGH YOU SEE THE MASCOT YOU WANT TO GET A PICTURE WITH. PLEASE JUST DON’T LEAVE THE GROUP IN GENERAL OK?

Of everyone on this list, you are next to Ming in terms of potentially sending me into cardiac arrest (except for that one time Jongyul dressed up as L and made me pee my pants two summers ago) and I will let you know that I am in the best shape of my life (wanna see? my biceps are proof of this), so I will personally blame you if this happens to me. Also know that if you ever need support, know that my thighs and wonderful arms are here to hold you close.

And I beg of you, please do not name the Hitmonlee after me.

PS. And please email me back with cute selfies (I am a little desperate and my mom thinks I have a girlfriend).

plotline two

the troublesome back seat driver

"A QUOTE HERE."

Ah… it’s you. Y’know I should be worried with what you're going to do in America but at the same time I want to encourage you if it means that you'll piss off Ming. If it isn’t evident from my description of him, he isn’t my favorite person ever (but that’s a long story), so having you along for the ride makes me feel a little better knowing that I won’t be the only person bothering the hell out of him. I feel like we'll get along great. My fingers are literally twitching in delight at the thought of what mayhem we can cause together in terms of practical jokes and witty remarks, so I hope you’re as excited to get into such mischief with me as I am.

But even though you seem like the right person to be by my side to cause chaos amongst this group of goodie two shoes, I know that you’re more of a handful than I could ever be. Look, this is all I ask of you: Don't embarrass us at Koreatown and fight with the ahjummas for discounted kimchi; I know it’s tempting because I’m sure back in Seoul its cheaper and has a better taste but this is America and we unfortunately have to forfeit taste for profit due to the bland taste American people have. If you do embarrass us just know you'll pay the consequence of being left to pay for the bill at dinner time (and we all know you don't have money). Also, please keep your back seat driving to a minimal; I know I hate my cousin more than other people normally would but I rather not get into a car accident just cause he wants to wrangle your throat. That goes the same for your newfound addiction to Pokemon Go— there’s only so much we can listen and tolerate the theme song before any of us are tempted to throw you out of a window— so remember to keep your volume down or at least invest in a pair of earphones until we get to the next motel. (And we get it, you caught a Pikachu on your first try. No need to shove it down our throats…rude…) And finally please wear the god damn seat belt! I feel like I’ll be saying this a lot around you but we will not be dying on this trip. I have girls waiting for me back in California and they’re expecting me to come back in one piece let alone not in jail or six feet under.

But I believe you're a nice person and someone we can rely on when things get a little to stressful for Yul (which is a lot sometimes). Ming’s told me that you’re sort of a mood maker and I think that’s what we need if we’re all going to be stuck together for the next couple of days, let alone weeks. If there’s anyone that should be the one to push us to have fun and do things we thought we could never do, it’s you man. So I highly encourage you to constantly be the instigator of adventure and risk-taking so none of us will walk away from this experience regretting not jumping off the Hoover Dam or eating that massive bowl of chili. As a wise woman once said: You’re a teenage dream, a bag drifting through the wind. Be free my child.

PLOTLINE THREE

THE actual responsible adult

"A QUOTE HERE."

First off, can i call you mom… or would you prefer dad?

Regardless, congratulations, you have been designated as our pseudo parent for the next oncoming weeks. And I know, that might sound like a lot of responsibility but trust me, it not; you'll just have to keep an eye out for seven other fully grown adults— well, not adults but— you get the point. It might get tough along the way but I trust you to keep us in line and not have Ming and I chew each others heads off. (Although, if you let me at him once, I’ll buy you that figurine Ming says is only sold here in California.) I’m putting my faith in you to keep us NOT from getting lost due to Yul's poor GPS skills and Ming's general lack of direction (which is probably the only thing he's bad at). We haven't met before but Ming says you're the only one (besides Yul) that he trusts. I know that isn't saying a lot, considering you heads sound like teeny boppers, but there’s a reason why he’s the golden boy and I’m just bronze.

Now I don't want to deter you from wanting to come onto this trip because you'll be regarded with much respect (you’re basically our queen) but lets be real, apparently you're the best at being cost efficient amongst the eight of us, and for a trip of this scale we’ll definitely need you to be on our toes from spending too much on food, unnecessary souvenirs, and trips to the emergency room (and or jail, but personally that’s my own goal to not let us get that wild on this trip) because seriously ain’t nobody got time for that. But even though we need to be a little bit frugal and make ends meet if we want to make it to New York, that doesn’t mean that we can’t have fun with you, right? ‘Cause seriously you’re not just coming to be the babysitter, you’re here to have as much fun as the next person, so if at any time you want to let loose and be young wild and free— then my dear asian Wiz Khalifa— go ahead and do so. I do recommend that if you’re going to dance on any tables and appear to be drunk (though if you truly are just don’t tell anyone that you’re underaged, we can’t risk you getting arrested) that you make sure one of us is with you just in case people start throwing cash at you— in which we’ll be there to both catch you and your tips when they fall.

TL;DR: Basically if we're going to Vegas (which is a high chance due to EDM festivals and trying to get into those swanky clubs despite being under 21), I’d probably put all my bets on you to win whatever game you wanted to play cause that's how much trust I’m giving you despite only knowing of you through word of mouth.

[Also apparently you're like the Korean version of a girl scout? And if you are, do you happen to sell cookies too? Girl scout cookie season is over here in America and I forgot to buy some thin mints]

PLOTLINE FOUR

the softest emo pissbaby Brooder

"A QUOTE HERE."

Last but not least, you. My friend. Mi amigo. As a famous character once would ask in a hypothetical fashion to his enemies: Why so serious? I don’t know the details— nor do I think I want to know because, quite frankly, it’s none of my business— but all I know is that you’re simply having a rough time. As if someone had cursed you to listening to that one damn song that talks about ‘Having a bad day’ or you’re that person with that unfortunate name that no one can spell at Starbucks. Whatever you’re going though man I hope that you truly decide to come along on this trip because, I hate to say this but man, I’m truly sorry it to . You’re honestly too young to be brought down in the metaphorical dumps right as you leave one side of hell and enter another one (trust me, from the anecdotes I get about Yul and co. are stressed I’m really surprised he looks as healthy as he leads onto be— both physically and mentally) and I for one think that something like a trip would be the perfect solution to pull you out of such a depressing condition like yours.

But even though you look like you’d have the most fun sitting in the back, regretting your life’s choices by going onto this trip, and I know Ming probably dragged you here and you probably could be writing a thousand ways to destroy him in his sleep (which I will gladly help you with), I’ve noticed that there's more than what meets the eye. I saw you sniffling over in the backseat when we played Lion King and Mufasa fell off the ledge. And don’t deny that you haven’t been thinking about pulling out that expensive camera to take some pretty pictures of Mother Nature and her beautiful bounty (or whatever else hasn’t been tarnished by Global Warming). Even the most heartless people have compassion in them, you just gotta give it time— and we’ll give you that if you really need it.

Look, I wanna be the first to encourage you to truly go and have fun getting lost (even though let’s be honest it’s not fun if Ming comes along). Sometimes you win some and sometimes you lose some, and then there’s dim sum. But when life gives you lemons, please don't squirt it into your eyes next time. What's with the stink eye? You've probably heard this a million times from Ming but: put that frown upside down or you'll be paying for our next dinner at that really expensive KBBQ place. So smile man, the world isn’t going to implode upon itself if you continue to frown like that. The soul to my mate. I am humbly honored to be guiding you through the wonders of America that is drive thrus and In N' Out if you allow me to do so. I promise you won’t regret it.

[Though you probably will weeks later when you’re kilograms heavier and miles away from me, but that’s your problem not mine.]

PLOTLINE FIVE

the WILD CARD! IT'S FREE FOR ALL.

"A QUOTE HERE."

We've totaly run out of ideas so here's your chance to add a character that you think would fit right in with this motley crew of tumblr aesthetic-meme children.

Maybe you're the kid that is actually afraid of coming to America? Maybe you're the kid that is the second biggest flirt next to Jeongguk? Maybe you're the weird kid that is conspiring to take a trip to Area 51 to see if aliens exist?

Whoever you are, we're up to getting to know you! So take a risk and apply for this if none of the plotlines above are to your liking.

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driving in cars with boys

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³ review

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