Ji Yong POV

It is known that a woman becomes a mother the moment she realizes she’s pregnant. It is also known that a man becomes a father the moment he sees his child for the first time. I wish that was true. I became a father the moment I learned she was carrying my child. I loved him since then. Can you imagine how much I would’ve loved him if I would’ve been able to carry him in my arms, to feed him, to bathe him, to watch him sleep, to take care of him?

The moment I learned he was my child keeps playing over and over in my head. Feeling the rush, the happiness, the fear… I don’t think I’ll be able to feel that way again. I honestly wish I could’ve exchanged places with him. I would’ve rather die than experiencing this pain.

Before losing him, I didn’t know what losing someone meant. It’s a pain that doesn’t go away. It’s a pain that goes with you and stays with you, forever. You must learn to live with it.

I often wonder, how he would’ve looked like? Would he have looked like me? Would he have looked like his beautiful mother? Or would he have looked like a mix of the both? I know is useless to think about this… but I do wonder about it… too often.

The grieving process is a real rollercoaster; I wake up somedays feeling positive and full of life.  And then I wake up other days feeling like a dead man who’s just in this world to suffer, the pain knocks me down and tears me apart.

I stood up from the bed and opened the curtains of the hotel room. A rare spring cloudy day waits for me today. I took a deep breath and headed to the bathroom. Feeling the water hitting my head made me close my eyes and I started seeing the flashbacks: the blood, she trying to grab my hand as she was taken to the ER, I cowardly staying behind. I wasn’t allowed to go with her, because we couldn’t arrive at the same time. She crying hysterically after delivering a lifeless baby boy, Gahee and the nurses trying to calm her down. She succumbing to the sedative. The quick funeral. Returning to the empty apartment. She and I just living together without speaking to each other. I opened my eyes and the flashbacks finally stopped. Whenever I close my eyes that’s what I see… this is what I must endure, everyday.

After showering I put some clothes on and waited for Nan Gook to come looking for me. I was in the living area of the room staring blankly at the wall. Someone opened the front door. “You’re ready!” Nan Gook exclaimed.

“Yep! Let’s go.” I said and walked to the door.

We were in the SUV heading to a photoshoot. “Aren’t you tired?” Nan Gook asked.

I was watching the landscape through the window. “A little bit. But you said we had to do this photoshoot.” I replied without thinking too much. Our World Tour ended yesterday, here in Japan.

Nan Gook suddenly shouted: “Damn it!”

I quickly looked at him. “What is it?” I asked.

“We don’t know who did it but, rumors of your breakup have been released.”

I turned my head towards the window. “Tell YGE to stay silent.” I said with disinterest.

“Will do.” He said and started speaking with our PR team.

Minutes later, we arrived where the photoshoot was taking place. Before exiting the SUV, I put my “normal person” mask on. People don't have any clue of what I’m going through, so I must act like nothing’s happened.

I greeted the Campaign Director. “Hello, how are you?”

He smiled and pointed with his hand to the right side. “Have you met Komatsu Nana-chan?”

I looked at her. “Hello.” I said. She was nervously staring at me while timidly smiling. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She replied and then looked down. I slightly smiled.

She looks innocent. After the nightmare, I went through with Lee BoNa, I now distrust anyone with an innocent look.

We got ready to start the photoshoot right away. We had to act like a couple in the bloom of their relationship. I didn’t enjoy any of it, I wanted it to end as soon as possible so I could take this ing mask off. It’s exhausting! The interview didn’t help either, it was all about me lying of how happy I was due to the World Tour; how excited I was to be here, and how ecstatic I was to meet Nana.

Finally, the circus was over! I said my farewell to the team, I was heading to the parking lot when Nana reached me. “Can we have coffee, tonight?” She shyly asked. I turned to look at her. I was about to refuse when our eyes locked. “Yes, I know what you’re going to say. You probably don’t want to have coffee. What about lunch, tonight? I mean… breakfast…” She shook her head. “I mean dinner. I promise It’ll be painful.” She shook her head again and took a deep breath. “It won’t be painful. It’ll be amazing… I mean normal.” She looked down, grabbed the ends of her hair and tried to intertwined it in front of her face. “I’m so sorry!” She exclaimed and walked away. She was obviously mortified of what just happened. I found it hilarious! “Let’s have breakfast tonight!” I playfully said. She stopped walking and turned to look at me. “Really?” She was in awe; smiling happily.

I walked away. “I’ll pick you up.”  After seeing what she had to go through to ask me out, I just couldn’t refuse.

That night I invited Nana to a very private Japanese restaurant. I didn’t have any expectations, I just invited her after all the trouble she had to go through just to invite me. Apparently, she’s a Big Bang fan, we had dinner and talked about random things.  I did feel a little bit comfortable around her and I could forget