Ji Yong POV
I took another deep breath and started reading out loud: “Probability of paternity: 0%” My heart shrunk. “I knew it. I knew it. I just knew it… Is this really mine?” I quickly looked at the top of the page. My name was clearly there. “Why are you so shocked? Isn’t this what you wanted? Isn’t this what you’ve been praying for? To avoid anything that could tie you to her? Now you’re free! Free! FREE!” I started laughing out loud.
“Wow! This feels amazing!” I shouted as the adrenaline was filling every part of my body. I started jumping all over the living room while laughing and screaming. I could feel the vibrations of my phone. I took it out of my pocket. “Oh! Young Bae, what’s up?” I answered while I laughed.
“Ji Yongie? Are you okay? I’m heading to your apartment. Did you open the results?” He rapidly asked back.
“I did!” I exclaimed with a cheery tone.
I could hear Young Bae laughing. “So it’s yours! Wah! I’ll be an uncle! It’s definitely yours… otherwise you wouldn’t be this happy.”
“Au contraire!” I said. As I was trying to jump from one sofa to another, I slipped and fell to the ground.
“!” I shouted.
“Ji Yong? What’s happened? Are you okay?” Young Bae worriedly asked.
“!” I shouted again.
“Ji Yong!” He exclaimed.
I picked up the phone. “I fell off the ing couch! ! A million times !”
“Why are you getting so angry about it? Are you hurt?”
“It ing hurts like hell!” I shouted again. It hurts. My body was fine. But my ing heart was crumbling inside of me. Before I knew it, tears started to fall. I tried to pretend that I didn’t care. That this makes me happy. But the truth is that nothing in my life has hurt as this. Nothing has been so painful than this.
Soon after, I was bawling my eyes out. “It’s not mine!” I exclaimed and threw the phone to the ground. I started punching a cushion that was in front of me.
I felt so helpless, so confused. How come we ended this way? Why did we have to end like this? When did our paths get separated? This doesn’t make sense! How come he took everything that was mine? How come I’m the one that have to learn to live without her? When will this stop hurting? When? When?
I could hear someone calling my name from far away. I looked at Young Bae; he was crouching in front of me. I didn’t even noticed when he arrived.
“Ji Yong, get it together!” He was saying in slow motion. I couldn’t stop crying. He hugged me and I continue feeling the excruciating pain of knowing this was the end for us.
The day after
My alarm clock was buzzing. I quickly turned it off and opened my eyes. I laid on the left side of my body. “It was 5AM when I went to bed, that means I just slept 3 hours.” Everything was dark, I debated for a couple of minutes whether to open the curtains or not. “ it! I’m not getting up today.” This was the first time I didn’t follow my routine. “0%” Kept repeating in my head. I violently scratched my head. “It doesn’t make sense!” I shouted. Seconds later someone opened the door.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Daesung asked. He was worried.
I frowned. “What are you doing here?” I sat on the bed.
“Young Bae Hyung had to leave because he has a schedule right now.”
I stood up and walked out of the room. Daesung followed me. I entered the kitchen and scanned the place with my eyes.
“Do you want something to eat?” Daesung asked. “I can cook something for you. Or if you want we can order something from your favorite restaurant.” He continued.
I walked towards the refrigerator and opened it. I pulled out a six-pack and a bottle of wine.
As I was walking to my room and opening a beer, Daesung exclaimed: “Wah! Hyung it’s 8 AM! I don’t think it’s such a great idea to drink so early in the day.” He was following me again.
I entered my room; Daesung was about to enter when I turned around. “I want to be alone.” He froze. “Just leave.” I said before closing the door.
Two days after
I frowned with my eyes closed as I felt the sunshine hitting my face. “What are you doing?” I shouted.
“You need to wake up! Daesung said you didn’t eat yesterday. Wah! Look at this mess!” I recognized TOP’s voice. I opened my eyes. He was picking up the empty beer cans from the floor. I turned around on the bed. “Get a shower and let’s go have breakfast.” He said. I covered my head with the comforter. He pulled it off.
“Leave me alone!” I shouted while hiding between the sheets.
He didn’t say anything for a while; he probably was about to lose it. I’ve never shouted to him before. “I won’t get mad. I’ll be in the living room with Nan Gook Hyung till noon. Young Bae will be here by that time.” I heard as he closed the door. I closed the curtains and opened my eyes in the dark. “0%... I just want to be alone!”
“Ji Yong? Ji Yong?” I could hear someone whispering.
“What?” I asked after waking up.
“You really need to eat something.” He was standing with a bowl in his hands. It smelled like a chicken noodle soup.
I turned my head to the other side. “I just want to sleep!” I said, annoyed.
“Eat something and then you can go back to sleep.”
His proposal sounded tempting. I sat on the bed. Young Bae handed me the soup. I devoured the whole thing. I laid again on the bed. I could hear Young Bae walking towards the door. “Why do you guys keep taking turns and staying here?” I asked.
“Because we love you.” He replied and closed the door.
Seven days after
I was still in bed. It was 7PM when I woke up; I’ve been awake for two hours but for some reason I can’t seem to get out of bed. I’ve been thinking of her, it’s impossible not to do it. I think this has helped me to cope with the pain. I’ve remembered every moment of our relationship. The first time I saw her in that Karaoke room. The first time she smiled at me. The first time I touched her hand. The first time I hugged her. The first time I kissed her. The first time I made her mine. Maybe we were just destined to meet for a few years of our lives. Maybe this is where our journey ends.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try to understand what happened. I won’t have the answer on how our story came to this point. I know now is useless to keep thinking about it. I need to be strong… As I was lost in my thoughts, someone opened the door. It was SeungRi. “What are you doing here? This is the first time I see you in a week.” To be honest I was a little bit upset for not seeing him sooner.
“I’m sorry Hyung. I just know I can make you feel angry sometimes, so I didn’t want that my presence disturbed you.” He said while looking down.
I slightly smiled; he raised his head. “Should we drink?” He asked while raising the bottle of wine he brought. I nodded. I was sitting down on the bed.
“The only condition is that we drink it in the balcony. Come on Hyung! It’s time for you to get out of bed.” He said while walking towards the balcony and opening the door. I did as he said.
As we drank the wine, he kept making me laugh. We were laughing so hard that I was able to feel alive again. I noticed the empty bottle wine. “I’ll go get another one.”
I almost stood up when SeungRI said: “Hyung, until when are you going to keep doing this?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“The Hyungs are worried. Tomorrow we have to leave for Singapore due to our World Tour. Nan Gook Hyung told us that you’re not going. You’re our Leader. If you’re not okay, we’re not okay. If you’re hurting, we’re hurting too. We depend on you Hyung. We need you. Please get up. I may not know what you’re going through, because I’ve never experienced anything like this, but I can promise I’ll be there for you, to make you laugh, to make you feel slightly better. Just please put a little bit of your part. Let us help you and make you stand tall and to shine like you always do.”
His words made my heart beat again. I could feel the blood running through my veins. I’ve been so selfish. I’ve just been thinking about me and not about them. Hearing SeungRi telling me this showed me how worried they’ve been for my sake. SeungRi is the funny guy; he doesn’t take anything seriously. But right now he was serious, I could feel his worriedness through every word he said.
“Araso! You guys don’t have to worry about me. I know I’ve been very moody, but I’ll be alright!” I exclaimed and laughed. “Why did you guys worry so much? I mean this is not the first time someone breaks my heart.”
“Maybe it’s not the first time. But it’s the last time that SHE breaks your heart. We know you love her and that you’ve never loved someone as you love her.”
I saw how his tears were falling to the ground. “Are you crying?” I asked with a mocking tone. I was trying to diffuse the dramatic situation. Every word he said pierced my heart but made me realized that I had to get up for their sake.
“Of course not!” He said. He stood up and cleared his throat. “Let’s go! The Hyungs are waiting for us in the living room.”
As we walked to the living room, I was trying to get him in a headlock.
Taeyang and Daesung were sitting on the couch. TOP was standing with his arms crossed. They stopped talking when they saw me entering the living room.
“You’re finally out!” TOP exclaimed. I slightly smiled to him. I was still feeling sorry for shouting to him.
“Hyung, sit down.” Daesung said while pointing to a spot next to him.
“Yah! This is my place! Why are you trying to give me orders?” I asked with a cheery expression on my face.
We all laughed. We stayed there for hours, talking and laughing. Making plans for our concert in Singapore. We were reviewing the order of our songs.
“Let’s open with We like to party.” Young Bae said.
“I agree.” I backed his proposal.
“Cool… I think we should sing Loser at the middle of the concert… Bang, Bang, Bang definitely should be one of the last ones. Bae Bae….” He suddenly stopped talking. I looked at him. Everyone was staring at me.
Bae Bae was a song I wrote for her. But, to be honest all of the songs I’ve written since I met her, are based on things that I lived with her.
“I know it’ll be painful… But it’s not like we can’t sing it. I mean we just released it and it’s such a big hit that our fans would probably hate us if we don’t sing it.”
“You’re so strong Hyung!” Daesung exclaimed. Young Bae tapped my shoulder. This was my way of telling them that I was going to try really hard to be al right.
After drinking two more bottles of wine, they were getting ready to leave. I could see SeungRi still sitting on the couch without moving. “Aren’t you leaving?” I asked.
“I’m staying with you today Hyung.”
“You don’t have to. Believe me, I’ll be fine.” I said while helping him to stand.
“Hyung! Let me stay! It’s been so long since I’ve stayed in your home. I want to be with uri Hyung!” He pouched. He was acting cute; he knows I’m weak towards his aegyo.
“Araso! But you’re sleeping in the guest’s room!” I exclaimed while heading to my room.
I closed the door and walked to the balcony. I stood there for a while, looking at the moon. I closed my eyes. I could feel the cool night breeze heating my face. I tried to smile while I saw a montage of memories of she and I. As the tears ran through my cheeks I said my good-bye to her.
"Yes, this might be the end between you and I. But I just can’t leave myself to die; I need to think about those four who’ve been with me in the most difficult times of my life. I must go on, it won’t be easy, I know… I’m sure of it. I know what will happen with you now, you’ll get married very soon, you’ll built a family with him and your child... I know I should’ve been a better boyfriend. I know I should’ve treated you better. I should’ve made you smile more often. I should’ve been bolder and tell the world that I love you."
"I know I hurt you as you hurt me. Let’s say we’re even now. I will try not to hate you. I will try not to think of you. I will try to keep the best of you. I will try to cherish the good moments I was lucky to spend with you. I hope life treats you well. I hope joy fills your life. I hope you don’t remember all the things I lacked off."
"I know a very difficult chapter in my life is waiting for me... without you. But I have to be brave and I have to be happy because I was able to meet you… to have you... to love you."
Writer's note: How can I not be so in love with Big Bang. Listening to Taeyang's "Eyes, Nose, Lips" and Big Bang's "If you" on replay helped me to write this chapter. :')