Glancing at the clock in the studio, the time read 12 am. The ending ripples of the song you’d been practicing on repeat phased out and you shut of the speakers. Grabbing your bag, you shut the lights and locked the door, the soreness only starting to seep into your bones now. You checked your phone and saw there were 3 missed calls from no other than a Lee Sunghwa. Chuckling to yourself, you dialed back. Which club was he stranded at this time?

“Hello?” Answered a middle-aged woman. Definitely not Sunghwa.

Startled you replied, “Ah- who is this?”

“Owner of this soju stand. Are you going to come get him or should I call a cab?” The owner put one hand on her hip and gazed down at the man currently dozing in and out of sleep on her table with several bottles of soju laid out. She lightly pushed his shoulder with one hand and he just swatted her away.

“No, it’s ok. I’ll come get him. Where are you?” You responded, nestling the phone between your shoulder and ear while you dug for your car keys. The owner relayed the address for a street corner in Hongdae as you pulled out of the SM parking garage.

Strains of buskers’ voices caressed the air and street dancers vied for attention- even this late at night. It was your favorite part of Hongdae. You smirked as you approached his downturned body. His hair was a mess from rubbing his head back and forth on the table, but it was still styled from his day. He’d shed his jacket and his legs were aimlessly sprawled out beneath him. His choice of night was usually a dance club or underground lounge. What was he doing at this dukbokki stand? You paid the woman at the stand and thanked her for the trouble. Sunghwa was a pleasant drunk, though. You doubt he caused a scene.

You gently patted his shoulder, sensing that he wasn’t out but just napping. He grunted in response. You leaned in. “Sunghwa? Time to go home.” You shoved your arm under his shoulder and hoisted him up, grabbing his jacket with the other hand.

Draped across you, you dragged him towards his apartment door. After wrenching the door open, and kicking off your shoes at the entrance, you finally dumped him on his bed, dropping his jacket on a chair nearby. You braced yourself to get up and set some morning hangover cure by his bed with a note, but he grabbed your jacket, tugging you back down and you stumbled back onto the bed. You laughed. Sunghwa was affectionate under the influence. You shoved him back down but he only persisted to wrap his other arm around your side until you were both laying on your sides, facing each other.

You laughed again. Whatever, then. You snuggled your elbow against the covers and propped your head up to examine his face, the soft smile on your lips never leaving. His eyes hadn’t opened yet and there was a lock of his black hair falling into them. No makeup- no broadcast today. Ah, how did you get such a good looking friend? You’d met him only a few years ago, back in your rookie days when you’d been given unbelievable chances, but you two had grown as thick as thieves. He was the main producer on your upcoming solo album. He was basically your brother, and right now he looked so docile he might as well have been a helpless animal. You ruffled his gelled hair, slightly regretting because now you got product on your hands, but he looked even more hopeless with mussed hair. Intending just to enjoy his drunken stupor for a moment- maybe snap a couple blackmail pictures- you started to scramble off the bed. Business tomorrow.

His eyes flashed open and faster in his drunken state than you thought possible he pushed your shoulder and covered your body with his.

He rested over you, trapping you with his arms. You held your breath, not daring to move an inch as his face inched towards yours. You fought the urge to cower underneath his intense hooded gaze. He’d never made you feel uncomfortable like this before.

“Sunghwa-“ You breathed, cutting off when his hand came up to card through your hair. What are you doing? You wanted to scream, but something in you caught the voice that bubbled up through your throat and closed it. You couldn’t bring yourself to interrupt him.

He smiled deftly, as if in a dream. He felt like he was. But for you, this was all too real. “Why do you stay with him when I could treat you so much better?”

If you’d been tense before, now you were frozen. Your eyes widened at the implications of what he was saying. Sunghwa’s eyes roamed from your hair to your eyes, to the tip of your nose, glossing over your slightly parted lips to rest back on your eyes. His hand absentmindedly your hair. “              -ah…” He smirked. “What are you doing to me?” You were so still the image of him moving slightly over your body was like you were a figment of his drunken imagination. You existed for him to be able to say anything he wanted to you in his mind, because of course he couldn’t say any of this to you out loud. So he continued.

“God, you don’t even know. Why did I go drinking tonight?” He chuckled. “Working on your album, hearing your voice for hours on end singing about some guy-“ He furrowed his eyebrows through his smile. “And knowing that it wasn’t me.” He sighed. “Talking to me about your ideal man. Going places with me. Telling me you don’t have time for a relationship and your company would get mad and blah blah blah” He mocked. His voice was soft, neither rebuking nor accusing you of anything, but rather, whispering to you all the things he wished you could hear as he thought about you at night. “And then… you have the nerve to go on dates with this other clown. You don’t even know how long I’ve been waiting for you. When we first met yeah,” He smiled thinking of the past, “Of course you were beautiful. You’re an SM idol. But as soon as you opened your mouth I was gone. Watching you go on dates with this guy and that moron who doesn’t even know what a woman wants. I could treat you so right if you let me. Why won’t you let me?”

He sighed wistfully. “But then again, do I want you to know? What if you say no?” He pouted. “I can’t lose you.”

He cocked his head to the side and nosed your hair, leaning down to ask in your ear, “What does he have that I don’t? Like come on I’m so much more handsome than he is. I pay more attention to you than he ever will. I know what you like. He doesn’t.” He nosed your neck and sighed into your hair.

“Sunghwa-“ You started, pulling your hands up to push him away. This was getting way too personal and he was going to regret everything he’d say when he woke up. His face inched towards yours, though, and his hand grazed your lips, effectively cutting off whatever you were going to say.

“No. Not Sunghwa,” He crooned. His hands were back to trapping you against his pillows. He wasn’t even touching you, save for a small part of his stomach that pressed against yours. “I want you to see me as Gray. Everyone wants him. The girls all scream my name when I come on stage. I’m the visual of the hip hop scene… and you still can’t see me.” He laughed, never once taking his eyes off your face. “You know the outrageous requests I get from girls? Asking me to do,” He breathed in your ear, “Positively sinful things to them. But the crazy thing is?” He let out an ironic scoff. “All I want is you. I can have any girl I want- except the only one that matters.”

His hand suddenly grabbed your hair and yanked. You let out an involuntary gasp and he rested his forehead on yours, closing his eyes. “Say it,” He commanded.

You gulped. “Say what, Sunghwa?”

He groaned and pulled a little harder on your hair. “No. Don’t call me Sunghwa. Call me Gray.” He retreated his head and stared daringly at you.

Your mouth was too dry. You swallowed again and rasped, “Gray.”

His face reverted back to the dreamy boy-like smirk from when you first picked him up in Hongdae. “That’s it,” He let go of your hair, contented. “See me as Gray. See me as the cool guy every girl wants and every guy wants to be.”

All you could do was stare at him in shock as he rolled over and claimed a pillow to snuggle into. Gone was the predator that had just wracked your being moments earlier, replaced by the playful boy producer you’d slept next to without a second thought after late nights in the studio.

You slid off the bed and let out the breath you didn’t know you’d been holding. You glanced back at his sleeping form and grabbed your things, rushing out of his apartment, haphazardly throwing an Advil and a glass of water on his nightstand before leaving.

One you finally sat down in the driver’s seat of your car, you were still breathing hard, everything a blur since he stopped talking. In an effort to calm yourself you gripped the steering wheel so tightly you lost feeling in your left hand. All you did was sit there and process what the had just happened.

What did just happen? Your colleague, best friend, and basically your little brother had just confessed his feelings for you. Of course, he didn’t mean to burden you with his desires, but now that it was out there, he couldn’t take it back. You suddenly felt a wave of indignation wash over you. It wasn’t your job to change your actions based on what you’d heard. What he’d just told you tainted the last 4 years you’d known him. Every time he went out of his way to do something for you, it wasn’t good naturedly because he was just your friend. When he agreed to collaborate with you on this album, was he just using it as an excuse to catch you unaware one night?

You vacillated between guilt and resentment- neither one being fully logical but nonetheless emotionally compelling. You folded your arms over the steering wheel and banged your head against them.

.

 Your phone vibrated with the force of a text. It wasn’t from Sunghwa. It was from your boyfriend.