Please read with caution, I don't want to accidentally trigger someone <3

The clock strikes 2 in the middle of the night and Chanwoo’s seated on the edge of the bathtub with a razor in hand and tears running down his puffy, slightly red, cheeks. He hasn’t done anything yet, there’s no blood on his hands or his arms or his legs, or anywhere for that matter. But the want is there, the lust, the desire to cut through his skin just like he did two years ago in the bathroom just outside the practice room during Mix & Match when he was feeling down.

Back when he’d been new to the team and constantly fighting with fitting in, being good enough for the judges and being good enough for the team. He’s already a part of the team now, they’ve already accepted him along with the other YG artists and his contract his fully intact but yet he can’t help the creeping feeling in the pit of his stomach that nothing’s right, that it’s all a dream or that it’s all a lie.

Chanwoo worships the others, he worships the ground his hyungs walk on and cherishes every word they speak to him, he doesn’t tell them that though, that, he keeps to himself. He thinks that the only reason he does that is because they used to be so scarce, their words, at least when they were spoken to him. The most he’d get was a ‘dinner’s ready’ or ‘practice some more’, but there was never any endearment in their words, never any of the love they showed between themselves. Back then, he wasn’t their brother, he wasn’t even enough to be named a companion, his title back then must have been something akin to a teammate, if even that. They hadn’t known each other and they hadn’t wanted to either. But Chanwoo had accepted it with his head held high and his poker face on, the competition had both been to see their abilities but also to see who would break first. Chanwoo had been determined not to be the broken one. He guesses that’s why he’s a part of iKon now. But isn’t he broken?

He finds it funny that the last member of iKon is supposed to be the strongest of them all, to be the epitome of a fighter and to show people that anything is possible and with the willpower to do it it can be made. He made it through the competition and scored the last seat in the boat of iKon but he’s so very broken that he wonders if it was a victory or a loss.

When the blade touches Chanwoo’s skin he feels no tingling sensation of pride and his stomach doesn’t flutter with excitement, and yet he doesn’t stop. He dives and plummets into the abyss of pain where nothing is waiting for him. As he drags the blade through his skin he wonders why he doesn’t feel fulfilled, why his place in iKon isn’t enough, is he so selfish that he can’t be happy with the lines that he gets? and is he so selfish that he hurts himself because of the little amount of screen time he got?

At first it’s barely a cut, there’s no blood and he doesn’t feel any pain from it, when he presses the blade to his skin again he presses harder than the first time, hard enough for it to hurt before he’s even swiped it across his skin . And when he does, blood wells over as soon as he lifts the blade from his skin and he sighs in relief because this is what he’s been looking forward, some sort of relief for all the emotions dwelling inside of him and eating at him like the undead.

The cut is fairly deep and bleeding quite a lot but Chanwoo doesn’t think it’s enough to require stitches and if it is there’s nothing he can do about it, he has no medical experience and so sewing together his own wounds would only end in disaster and probably leave them infected, which would lead to him actually needing a doctor.

But Chanwoo doesn’t need help, sure he wants to die sometimes but doesn’t everyone think that once in awhile, doesn’t everyone think that it’d be so much easier to just leave this wretched planet at times?

He doesn’t do this every day, he doesn’t cut his skin open whenever he can, he only does it when everything gets a little bit too much which rarely happens since he actually is quite strong, at least on the outside. The inside might be a little jumbled and mushed but the fans don’t see that.

When his thighs are covered in a few cuts here and there and smeared with blood he can’t help but just stare at it in fascination for what he’s done to himself, he finds no fun or enjoyment in watching gory and bloody movies but as soon as he’s the one being mutilated by his own hand it suddenly brings him just that.

He rests his arms on his thighs and ignores the burn from the touch because weirdly enough the pain is quite satisfying to him, he lets them rest on top of his bloody thighs and breathes slowly in through his nose and out through his mouth because this is what satisfaction feels like. When you’ve failed and you get punished for it, it’s no fun, but if you’re the one doing the punishing by your own hand it slowly starts to become enjoyable. At least that’s what Chanwoo’s feeling.

He traces the inside of his wrist and follows the large vein up to his elbow in enthrallment and fascination for the vein he’s never touched, he’s never touched his arms in any way with the coldness of the razor blade, he’s never dared to. But after years with iKon he’s realized that he could have done it, since all the cordi noonas ever dress him in is oversized long sleeved shirts that almost goes down to his knees. He’s been so afraid of showing anyone that he hasn’t realized that they’ve already been covering it up for him.

He only stares at the vein and the inside of his wrist, he doesn’t dare to bring the blade to the unmarred skin in fear that he’ll cut wrong, that he’ll lose control and maybe cut the vein up and bleed out on the edge of a bathtub only meters from his hyungs that he loves so much. That wouldn’t be fair to them, Chanwoo can only imagine what it would be like for Yunhyeong, who usually wakes earliest of them all, finding Chanwoo in the bathroom drowning in his own blood and his pulse long gone. No, Chanwoo would never put them through that horror.

He thinks of his mother and his father and his dog, he thinks about them having their son’s funeral before their own and placing flowers on the casket with tears running down their cheeks and hollow chests. He thinks about his dog, his father’s never liked the dog much and his mother wouldn’t be able to play with him without thinking about her son, so who would play with the little friend. Who would go for walks and who would  feed him?

He also thinks about YG, what would the fans think if they found out that one of YG’s artist killed themself? Maybe they’d worry about the health of the other artists and maybe they’d boycott YG, and what about the trainees, would they be too scared to stay in fear of ending up like him?

Chanwoo can’t let that happen.

He also thinks about his hyungs, his hyungs that didn’t like him in the beginning but accepted him nonetheless. His hyungs that now enjoy his company and cook him food not because they have to but because they want to. What would they do with him gone, who would be Yunhyeong’s twin? Who would be Jiwon’s own pokemon Chanumon? Who would Hanbin praise like his own son in interviews? Who would Donghyuk coddle and squeeze cheeks on if he isn’t there? Who would Jinhwan rest his chin on and throw his arms around in comfort because Chanwoo only lets him, doesn’t hug back or try to remove him and sometimes Jinhwan doesn’t need to be held, only to hold. And who would Junhwe...well, who would be the maknae? Junhwe’s never felt like the maknae and even though he doesn’t speak much to Chanwoo he suspects that his hyung is grateful for him. Like him, even.

Nausea grips at him and fear begins to crawl up the back of his throat when he looks down upon himself, blood dripping down his thighs to land on the porcelain white floors and tears smearing out the blood on his legs. He hadn’t realized that he was crying until then, salty tears dripping down and mixing with the red.

In the midst of his despair he doesn’t hear the click of the door or the sound of a breathy gasp filling the room, but he does notice when someone kneels in front of him and grabs the blade from his hand and throws it in the trash can under the sink. His tears won’t let up but at least he’s quiet as someone grabs his wrist and removes them from his thighs, he doesn’t dare look up to see who it is that has discovered his secret and seen him in such a weak state. He’s embarrassed and afraid of what the person will think of him.

There’s the sound of someone in a deep breath and Chanwoo readies himself for the onslaught of scolding that he’s sure is about to come, but it never does.

There’s a hand under his chin and it’s slowly lifting his head up so that he can see who’s sitting in front of him, and as soon as he does see who it is he closes his eyes in shame and more tears spill out because Jiwon is probably the last person he’d expect and also the last person he’d want to see him in this way. Jiwon who’s been through so much and been so strong through it all, Jiwon who had to leave his family to pursue his dream, who had to go through the pain of losing Win to Winner and who's had to be strong for the others through it all.

Chanwoo hasn’t been through half of what he has and he’s still the one to break first. It’s embarrassing and humiliating and Chanwoo wishes he could crawl under a rock and never resurface.

“Chanwoo,” Jiwon whispers quietly and grabs a hold of Chanwoo’s wrists again when Chanwoo tries to move away from the elder, Chanwoo doesn’t answer him and Jiwon doesn’t say anything else. He only sits there with his hands holding Chanwoo’s and his arms getting smeared with blood from the younger’s thighs, not that he cares about that. He’s more concerned with why there is blood on his thighs and how it got there.

After at least a good five minutes of silence Jiwon presses a small kiss to Chanwoo’s knuckles before he turns around slightly, with his grip still firm around Chanwoo’s wrists and shouts, “Jinhwan!”

Chanwoo panics when he hears the oldest member’s name and tries to remove himself from Jiwon’s grip while tears spring out of his eyes, “stop, you’ll hurt yourself even more,” is what Jiwon says and Chanwoo releases a quiet sob and ducks his head so that Jiwon can’t look at him. He’s so ashamed of himself, but he doesn't know if he’s more ashamed for getting caught or for doing this to himself.

Hurried footsteps can be heard from outside the bathroom and then there’s someone else in the room and Chanwoo seriously wants to die in that moment because this isn’t how he saw the night going, he was only supposed to do this for a while and then clean up and go to bed, not get caught by his hyungs. Jinhwan stares at him frightfully and doesn’t react for a while, he’s shocked and afraid.

Jiwon sees his hyung’s struggle and tugs at his pants for a reaction, when Jinhwan looks down at him Jiwon gestures for the cabinet over the sink where they keep an emergency kit, it’s only ever been used once and that was when Yunhyeong accidentally cut himself in the finger while cutting carrots on a slippery cutting board. Jiwon wishes that it would still be the only time it’s ever been used, but tonight is about to change that.

“I don’t think he needs stitches,” is what Jinhwan says when he kneels next to Jiwon in front of Chanwoo and takes a closer look on the cuts, when Chanwoo hears the sound of a cap being opened he opens his eyes and sees Jinhwan opening a disinfection flask. He starts squirming again when he sees it and Jiwon pulls at his wrist to get him to sit still. “It’ll hurt but it’ll stop them from getting infected,” he says and Chanwoo releases a cry when the first drops of alcohol touches his skin. It stings an awful lot and hurts more than it does when he cuts himself, he guesses it’s because he isn’t in control of the pain, and therefore it isn’t enjoyable.

Jinhwan shushes him as he pours some more onto the cuts and whispers words of comfort that does nothing to ease Chanwoo’s pain. When Jinhwan puts down the flask Chanwoo breathes out a sound of relief, but his relief is short lived when he hears more footsteps outside the door and Jiwon takes notice of his discomfort. “I’ll close the door,” he tells him and Chanwoo nods his head violently. Jiwon lets his wrist go for only a few seconds to close the door and lock it and then he’s back in front of the younger.

Jinhwan wraps gauze around his thighs as carefully as he can and when he’s done he sits back on his and puts his head in his hands. Chanwoo wants to comfort him but he’s too worked up himself, to act.

Jiwon slowly pulls him down from the bathtub edge and down into his arms where he envelopes the younger and presses his lips to his head in comfort, when Chanwoo starts to cry Jinhwan’s head lifts and Jiwon can see the tear streaks on his cheeks.

“I’ll go talk to the others,” Jinhwan tells him and Jiwon nods as he hugs Chanwoo tighter and starts to rock them back and forth on the stone cold floor. Chanwoo sobs into his chest and the sounds makes Jiwon’s chest feel heavy and his heart hit the bottom of his stomach. He wants to know why the younger is in such pain and why he resorted to hurting himself instead of talking to them, and he’s scared because he doesn’t know how to help the boy. As much as he wants to he’s not qualified for this.

Jiwon doesn’t know how much time passes as they rock back and forth on the floor, it could be minutes or even hours, but all the thoughts of the morning’s schedule or the dance practice is forgotten as he hugs the younger to his chest and shushes him.

“Hyung...I’m sorry,” are the first words Chanwoo speaks of the night and Jiwon’s so relieved to hear his voice even though it’s wobbly and small. He carefully pushes Chanwoo up from his chest so that he can see the younger’s face and he’s relieved to see that he isn’t crying anymore but the heaviness in his chest is still there because the younger is still in pain.

“Chanwoo, why did you do this to yourself?” he asks and Chanwoo looks down at his lap, “I...It got too much,” he whispers and Jiwon frowns because he doesn’t understand what got too much, “what did?” he says quietly and Chanwoo closes his eyes.

“Everything, dance practice and vocal practice and music videos, interviews and fan meetings, it all got a bit too much and I didn’t know what to do.”

Jiwon doesn’t know how to answer that and he doesn’t know what to say to make things better for the younger boy, so instead he just pulls him closer and hugs him tightly to his chest. Chanwoo grips at his t-shirt and breathes slowly, he’s happy that his hyung isn’t yelling at him or pushing him away but he’s also afraid of what them knowing his secret will lead to.

There’s a knock on the bathroom door and Chanwoo’s grip on Jiwon’s t-shirt tightens in fear, he doesn’t know what to expect from the others and he’s afraid of rejection from the people he loves the most. “You can unlock it,” Jiwon says because he knows it’s Hanbin and he knows he has the key, the sound of the lock turning has Chanwoo hiding himself and Jiwon shushes him and tells him that he has nothing to fear because it’ll be okay but Chanwoo struggles to believe him.

When the door opens Chanwoo looks up quickly to see who it is and when he sees Hanbin he curls in on himself even more because he’s disappointed his leader and his hyung and he doesn’t want to anger him. Hanbin kneels down beside them and rests a hand on Chanwoo’s back, “Chanwoo, please look at me,” he whispers and the youngest has never been able to disobey the elder. And so he lifts his head from Jiwon’s chest and looks up, when his eyes meet Hanbin’s he’s afraid to see the disgust and disappointment but he’s confused as he sees none of it.

“It’s alright,” Hanbin says and Chanwoo’s eyes begin to water once more, and when Hanbin carefully pulls him into his arms he lets the tears fall once again, Hanbin keeps on whispering that it’s okay and that it’ll be alright to him even as he stands up with him in his arms and when he walks out of the bathroom with him, and also when he carefully places him in his bed.

He keeps on whispering it until Chanwoo falls asleep, and he keeps on whispering it even as Donghyuk joins Chanwoo in his bed and when Junhwe’s arms come to rest on his shoulders. He continues to whisper it as Jinhwan changes Chanwoo's bandages.

He even continues to whisper it as he helps Jiwon and Yunhyeong to clean up the blood from the floor and the bathtub in the bathroom, he doesn’t know who he’s trying to convince anymore, himself or the others but he continues to whisper that it’s okay even when Jiwon throws himself at the toilet and throws up, and he continues to whisper that it’s okay when Jinhwan breaks down on the bathroom floor because he’s covered in blood from their maknae. He continues to whisper that it’s okay and that it’s alright until he actually believes it.

Please excuse any mistakes and kindly leave some feedback in the comments. Tell me if you think I portrayed the emotions well and their actions.

I enjoyed writing this piece because it is a tad different from what I usually do and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Thank you.

Have a good day/night/evening/morning