Endearing
Preordained
The walk feels longer than it usually is .. Maybe because I no longer have someone to share it with .
Sometimes it gets terribly annoying when you don’t exactly enjoy one of your lover’s friends company , so much that you find trouble tolerating them but in the end you try your best out of consideration for your loved one ..
Lee Chanhee was currently facing something close to what we could call “ dilemma “ regarding that issue . He seriously hated that guy’s sense of humor .
Tae joon is one of Byunghun’s friends .
Let us rephrase ..
Tae joon is one of Byunghun’s friends that Chanhee tries to the best of his ability to tolerate for the sake of his lover .
“ Do we really have to go ? “ Chanhee almost petulantly clung to the rug as though the only way to get him to move would be by dragging him , literally .
Perhaps it was strange .
Byunghun knew his lover didn’t really enjoy tae joon’s company but well .. Byunghun couldn’t break up with his lover and neither could he stop being friends with tae joon no matter how much silly his jokes may get .
A deep sigh that seemed much more like a mother’s , escaped Byunghun’s cute cupid lips as he started rubbing his temple .
This could go on the whole day and Byunghun wasn’t willing to waste yet another outing because his lover couldn’t stand his friend .
They are gonna get along whether they like it or not . Byunghun decided .
“ This could go in two different ways and I will end up winning no matter what . you know that , Chanhee . “ Byunghun spoke up truthfully , now absentmindedly picking on his nails .
He would either use his greatest weapon , puppy eyes or threaten to sulk and deprive Chanhee of their heated make out sessions . Byunghun got him where he wanted and both of them knew that when Chanhee let out a defeated whine .
Throughout the whole ride , Chanhee couldn’t help but feel put off . He really wasn’t looking forward to the rest of the day .
What if something happened and the outing got canceled ? Oh how he wished anything would happen and save him the pain of socializing with that insufferable brat . It would be great if he ended up spending the day with Byunghun alone . He was ready to go anywhere and pay whatever price but not end up stuck with that guy .
Chanhee casted a glance at his lover , an unconscious smile adorning his face as he got lost in Byunghun , the way he held the steering wheel was .. sensual . It turned Chanhee on every single time . Yes , he needed to find a way and make Byunghun change his mind . Maybe they could go back home and continue where they left this morning . A wicked smile carved itself on Chanhee's face at the prospect .
As Chanhee imagined how great it would have been , if a miracle happened and ruined the outing , He couldn’t have known that .. He couldn’t have known what would befall them .
One moment he was humming softly and quite joyfully as he leaned over the window staring at the road , the passing cars and the other , he heard a loud crash , perhaps that of shattering glass , and felt a strong collision at his side then the car took a full 360 turn with Byunghun struggling to control the steering wheel eliciting a panic-stricken gasp of the both of them . the action made Chanhee slam against his door , his weight and the sudden turbulent turn making gravity grin smugly in satisfaction . And then - oddly enough - he felt himself out of the confines of the car he had been in less than seconds ago and to the ground , he got tossed rolling over and over again at the harsh impact .
Byunghun spun his head around , not knowing where to look . When he heard Chanhee’s scream , he instantly felt the need to confirm the other’s safety but then found the door swaying open and the moment he spun his head back to his own side , fear and panic welled up inside him . He was now facing the lane he was leading seconds ago .
The brightest flash greeted his widened eyes accompanied with loud honks almost crashing his ears . Mortification monopolized his entire being as realization sunk deep in .
He was gonna collide or either .. His eyes shifted to the side of the road .. or roll down the slope of uncultivated land .
Without further delay , Byunghun pressed on the pedal and sealed his fate , eyes squeezed shut as he made sure he got no other people involved in the accident .
The car roared as if foreseeing its own doom , rolling over and over again , harshly colliding against the ground every time it did so .
Everything smelt and felt of fire .
Byunghun fought hard against the intolerable heat .
He heard something crackling in the background as his consciousness started slipping away the more suffocated he had gotten from inhaling too much smoke , eyes b with tears . The safety belt dug in his abdomen holding him captive . It hurt .. It hurt badly he wanted to groan in pain but nothing came out of his lips aside from his disjointed frantic gasps and ragged breathing .
He had tried easing the safety belt but in vain .
Attempt after the other proved unsuccessful until he gave up , squeezed his eyes shut and drew in a shuddery breath .
His condition was rapidly worsening - brain starving for oxygen , lungs not supplied with enough air - . He felt like his lungs were filled with sand , nothing could come in or out .
Is this really the end ? He thought bitterly panting harshly .
Chanhee ..
Smoke Flew out of the car like missiles and a massiveness of tainted orange consumed the air as fire ate everything in its way , living or not .
Somewhere on the ground , a considerable distance away , Chanhee struggled for his life .
Even though the sand had cushioned the fall , he could still feel the myriad of injuries and maybe even fractures he’d been fated to suffer . He felt as if his skin had been mercilessly peeled off by a rabid animal . Everything stung and the pain .. oh the pain ..
Dizzying pain ..
He felt as though his joints had been viciously ripped apart , twisted in an odd angle . He’d jarred his knees and elbows and now every bone felt dislocated he wanted to cry out .
His muscles started twitching every so often but that wasn’t the worst thing .. something was missing but he couldn’t figure out what .. until he realized he couldn’t breathe . Something seemed to barricade the action like some kind of inner reflex knowing better than to move . Even a simple inhaling could tremendously worsen his condition .
Byunghun ..
Chanhee risked a move , lifting his head trying to scan the area for his beloved , Sheer willpower alone giving him just about enough strength to stand up on his weary legs .
He couldn't afford to lose the final remaining bits of his consciousness . Because doing so meant forfeiting Byunghun’s life and that he couldn't afford . He couldn’t live with . He wouldn’t .
He took a painful step , one after the other exerting a great effort to both stay awake and keep his balance .
When the car came in view , his hands rose to his face , eyes widening as fear consumed him ..
No ..
No !
Byunghun !
His eyes glistened as he approached the wrenched vehicle , the way it was flipped over and alight tugged at his heart .
Unsuccessfully , he tried moving the car just enough to be able to get Byunghun out before the unspeakable happened , screaming and bawling his eyes out when he found out he didn’t have any power left in him to lift an arm. .
He sobbed loudly flailing his arms around ..
“ HELP !! “ His voice cracked as he looked around praying someone would come to their aid soon..
If the fire reached the gas tank .. Chanhee shuddered .. Oh lord help me .
He couldn’t relax , not yet .
Chanhee spent the first few hours after regaining consciousness numb and unresponsive until awareness slowly started seeping in full-force , along with memories and emotions . The pain caused by his injuries manifested demanding his full undivided attention .
Everything was a blurry mess and it didn’t take long for it to turn into a bloody one . Then it happened , all out of the blue , and once realization dawned on him , every fibre in his being froze from the shock .. The same , however , could not be said for his heart .
His pulse raced in a pace that could only be described as life threatening .
Contrary to the common belief , Chanhee couldn’t recall anything , not even seconds prior to the whole thing managed to register in his fogged up , utterly weakened and throbbing brain .
Apart from the “ life flashing before one’s eyes experience “ , He recalled nothing . He didn’t how it happened ..Was it a truck nearing them ? Or a car speeding up on their right ? left ?
Then the grief returned anew .. Byunghun .. How .. Where ?
Why are they making such sad faces when he mentioned Byunghun ?
" Take me to Byunghun .. Take me .. "
It didn’t take long before he found himself being helped to reach his beloved’s room .
His heart expanded and contracted at the sight of his lover , so vulnerable and almost .. lifeless .
He was told that Byunghun regained consciousness later than he did and that his condition wasn’t as stable but Chanhee chose to disregard that . People have always viewed Byunghun as fragile but that was nowhere near the truth .. Byunghun was full of determination , full of.. Life .
He let out a sob at that , tears raining down his cheeks .
“ By.. Byunghun . “ He crossed the room and held his lover’s hand desperately .
Almond eyes slowly greeted Chanhee’s teary ones .
Byunghun blinked few times , a weak smile adorning his features as he finally recognized the person in front of him . And when he felt Chanhee’s hands on his , he softly returned the affectionate gesture .
Though his vision blurred , he tried his best to focus on his lover’s eyes and blocked everything else out .
He wanted Chanhee’s beautiful eyes to be the last thing engraved in his mind , the last thing his eyes laid on .
The soft grip he had on Chanhee’s hands loosened and his vision darkened .
His eyelids met and remained joined , slumbering for eternity . Chanhee stilled , the smile he had on slowly dissipating .
Unconsciously , his hand rose to his his neck , nervously rubbing it .
Uh .. looks like Byunghun needed sleep . He’d better let him be unless he wanted his beloved to keep on scolding him .
Nodding to himself , Chanhee took in a deep breath as he made to leave but then stopped as he realized he had forgotten to give Byunghun a goodnight kiss .
He turned back again and lowered himself , placed a peck on the other’s forehead and gently brushed his hair from his face seeking to memorize those features before finally leaving .
He stood there , dressed in black , flanked by people who stood just like he did , morose .
“ If I had known Byunghun would be the one paying for my own impulsiveness , I would have gladly welcomed each and every snide remark tossed at me . I would have curbed my childish antics .. I firmly believe I would have tolerated tae joon’s existence for a lifetime if it meant sparing Byunghun’s life . “
Chanhee’s tone , as serious as it was , brought a soft yet bittersweet smile to everyone’s face , even tae joon himself .
“ Then again.. That’s some wishful thinking on my part.. “
It was starting to prove difficult just breathing .. He struggled so his voice won’t crack the way his heart clenched and throat closed up .
He could feel his eyes moisten , yea . but strangely , he didn’t end up a sobbing hysterical mess and though the tears were this close to leaving his eyes , threatening to roll past his cheeks and offer the same treatment given to his eyes , they never did . They never fell and for that he was grateful . As long as he had to face those words of condolences , he had to stay strong strong .. He had to control himself , his emotions , his tears , his rage , his loss .
Chanhee sauntered down the road flanked by autumn , flowers withered and colors drained .
He could hear the crunch of petals and leaves under his feet , the pattern of it soothing his pain a little .
A few petals flurried when a sudden gust of wind flew past him and finally fell to the ground littering it .
Chanhee ‘s gait came to a halt as he inhaled deeply and closed his eyes .
The walk feels longer than it usually is .. Maybe because I no longer have someone to share it with.
He felt a gentle pull at his heart as he inwardly conversed with himself . Or maybe .. he wasn’t alone .
If anything , Chanhee’s conviction has become rather endearing .
Do not question God’s will for there will never be a power more merciful than his over his creatures , nor will there ever exist a sentiment competent to the generosity bestowed on us by our creator . Do not question God’s will , for we are far too small to comprehend the unalloyed wisdom behind everyone’s firmly intertwined strings of fate .
He kept repeating those words inwardly , praying for the best .
Apparently , someone had to die .. After all , if they were fated to survive together , they would have ..
Simple as that .
Why do flowers bloom knowing they are destined to wither ?
Perhaps the beauty of it resided in such contradictions .
Perhaps this was for the best ..
Tolerating pain was never Byunghun’s forte .
Chanhee was a bit stronger in that aspect , he could try to stay sane . He could try to move on ..
Byunghun though , would have spent the rest of his life mourning over Chanhee’s death .
If Byunghun were to survive , he would have undoubtedly and inevitably ended up going either insane or delusional and maybe even .. suicidal .
Cringing at his thoughts , Chanhee couldn’t hide how grateful he was that he had been chosen to survive sparing Byunghun the pain of facing life alone .
Perhaps such was a sign , a proof of how merciful our lord truly is towards us .
It goes without saying that he was definitely suffering whenever his heart yearned for Byunghun’s presence .
However , he was still grateful that Byunghun didn’t live to see that , to wake up in a world devoid of his beloved .. To that much extent Chanhee was willing to go for Byunghun’s sake .
He’d rather survive and live for the both of them if it meant sparing Byunghun the grief , the pain , the loneliness .
His hand rose to his chest , a content smile on his face .
updated 13 june , 2016 .
word count : 2747
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