Secret Love Song
- Song Fanfiction -
He takes one of my icy cold hands in his own and caresses it before loosening the grip. The touch was brisk but intimate, subtle but telling. He looks over at me and tries to smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes. We are too much in the open, we both realize.
'I'm sorry.'
Those almond eyes tell me. Those eyes I love to kiss at night. Those eyes that turn hungry at the sight of my bare body. Those eyes that look at me like I'm his world. Those eyes I love so dearly and those eyes I can solely admire behind closed doors.
'It's okay.'
My doe eyes assure him. The eyes that search for him even in the dark. The eyes that stare and beg him to make love to me. The eyes that look at him like he's my everything. The eyes he claim as his and the eyes he can solely admire as curtain falls.
The glance he gives me is brief but has impact, empty to others but says a lot to me. His eyes tell me all I need to know and I understand, but I want more. I need more but his eyes tell me that he can't. He is sorry, and so am I.
We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It'll never be enough
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It'll never be enough
I walk and he follows right behind me. I stoop my head low, away from those prying eyes to obscure the tears spilling over my cheeks. Those eyes filled with so much love. Those eyes that look at me in admiration and those eyes that love me unconditionally. Yet, they're also the same eyes that would easily turn their back on me if my true identity was to be exposed, those eyes that will be filled with disgust in place of love, just because I am in love with a man. Just because I love.
I close the door behind me and lock it. I hear a knock or two, but I ignore it. I sit in the corner of the room and wrap my arms around my legs, with every call of my name piercing my chest. The mellow voice of my lover from behind the closed door echoes across the room and I cover my ears for it is too deafening. My tears continue to pool in my eyes and I cannot stop it. I curse under my breath, because there is only one person who can comfort me and that person is standing behind my door. . I need him.
My lover and I are together, yet we are not. Behind closed doors, he belongs to me. A step of a foot outside and he is no longer mine. It is a vicious cycle that drives me crazy. When will I ever have him, the entire him? I am selfish, I don't want to share. I want
him to myself but I can't have him. He is sorry, and so am I.
I close the door behind me and lock it. I hear a knock or two, but I ignore it. I sit in the corner of the room and wrap my arms around my legs, with every call of my name piercing my chest. The mellow voice of my lover from behind the closed door echoes across the room and I cover my ears for it is too deafening. My tears continue to pool in my eyes and I cannot stop it. I curse under my breath, because there is only one person who can comfort me and that person is standing behind my door. . I need him.
My lover and I are together, yet we are not. Behind closed doors, he belongs to me. A step of a foot outside and he is no longer mine. It is a vicious cycle that drives me crazy. When will I ever have him, the entire him? I am selfish, I don't want to share. I want
him to myself but I can't have him. He is sorry, and so am I.
As you drive me to my house
I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down
You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine
I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down
You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine
I sprawl out on the window seat, feeling stuffed from what I just devoured. I am starting to feel sick, I ate too fast. I look over to my members and I force a laugh. They look worse than me. I look over to the window and I admire the weather from inside. I start to feel better just by looking at the perfect picture taking place in front of me. Families strolling along the shopping districts, with their children running ahead and pointing at anything that is arousing their interest. Students gathering around in cliques, hopping around to satisfy their cravings for street foods. People in suits rushing back to their office and stopping midway to pass by the convenience store for some instant coffee. And couples, both young and old, looking the happiest among all passerby.
Couples walking hand in hand. Couples wearing matching clothes and accessories. Couples smooching shamelessly in the sea of people. Couples going along with their day as what couples would normally do. Couples that are deemed "normal" and "acceptable" by our society. Couples that are unlike my boyfriend and I, who can only perform such acts behind closed curtains.
I look over at my lover and his eyes are glued at the same spot I was admiring a second ago. His eyes tell me everything and I understand. He want this as much as I do, but he knows that we can't. He is sorry, and so am I.
Couples walking hand in hand. Couples wearing matching clothes and accessories. Couples smooching shamelessly in the sea of people. Couples going along with their day as what couples would normally do. Couples that are deemed "normal" and "acceptable" by our society. Couples that are unlike my boyfriend and I, who can only perform such acts behind closed curtains.
I look over at my lover and his eyes are glued at the same spot I was admiring a second ago. His eyes tell me everything and I understand. He want this as much as I do, but he knows that we can't. He is sorry, and so am I.
Why can't I hold you in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
"How about you Jaejoong-sshi, what is your ideal type?" The MC asks me and my heart skips a beat. I fought the urge to look at my boyfriend knowing that a sermon is pending, so I smile as I picture the love of my life.
"I like girls with pretty hands. Someone with a warm heart?" I laugh a little. "I like someone who is professional about her profession." I nod shyly, feeling satisfied with my description. It is exactly like him.
"Also, someone who can do house chores and who can cook well." I add to quickly throw them off. A lecture from my leader is the last thing I need.
"A very detailed description. Are you sure you're not describing someone in particular?" The crowd goes wild and I can only chuckle in return.
"I'm single, but my heart is taken." The chants grow louder.
The statement is vague and is open for interpretation. Many will think that I dedicate this to my loyal fans, others will insist that this is me feeding our shippers but right now, I'm talking to my lover. Can you hear me?
I turn to him and he is staring back at me. My eyes tell him everything and I know that he understands me.
'It's you.' My eyes tell him.
'I love you.' I want to scream for everyone to hear, but I can't. I am sorry, and so is he.
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
"So you like pretty hands?" He appears behind me and subtly shows off his long slender hands. I bite my lip to stop a smile as I roll my eyes at him.
"I also heard that I'm a warm person. Oh and don't forget, I take my job seriously. That is a known fact." He nods and smirks at my direction.
"Sure. But baby, I think you're forgetting that you're not a girl."
"Does it matter? You just called me 'baby'. You can't just call anyone 'baby', unless they're your lover. Right?"
"And you can't do house work, and cooking is definitely not your forte." I ignore him.
"Whatever baby, you described me earlier. I am definitely your ideal type." He tells me as he wrap his arms around my waist. He places a soft kiss across my jaw and I melt in his embrace.
"So what if you are?" I tell him nonchalantly.
"You love me."
"And how did you come to that conclusion?"
"You whisper it to me every night, baby." He kisses my ear and moves his lips to nibble it. I can feel his hot breath fanning the side of my neck, sending shivers throughout my entire body. I bite back a moan and run my fingers through his hair.
"I love you." I whisper into his ear.
"I know."
"I want everyone to know."
My lover stops kissing me and pushes himself to look into my eyes.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
We understand each other.
"I also heard that I'm a warm person. Oh and don't forget, I take my job seriously. That is a known fact." He nods and smirks at my direction.
"Sure. But baby, I think you're forgetting that you're not a girl."
"Does it matter? You just called me 'baby'. You can't just call anyone 'baby', unless they're your lover. Right?"
"And you can't do house work, and cooking is definitely not your forte." I ignore him.
"Whatever baby, you described me earlier. I am definitely your ideal type." He tells me as he wrap his arms around my waist. He places a soft kiss across my jaw and I melt in his embrace.
"So what if you are?" I tell him nonchalantly.
"You love me."
"And how did you come to that conclusion?"
"You whisper it to me every night, baby." He kisses my ear and moves his lips to nibble it. I can feel his hot breath fanning the side of my neck, sending shivers throughout my entire body. I bite back a moan and run my fingers through his hair.
"I love you." I whisper into his ear.
"I know."
"I want everyone to know."
My lover stops kissing me and pushes himself to look into my eyes.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
We understand each other.
It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face
I hear the keys turn and my door opens widely, revealing the man whom I have loved for years. He comes to me and he cradles me in his arms. I cry out to him like I would normally do and he listens to me with ears wide open.
"It's not fair. Why can't we be like them?"
"I'm sorry baby."
I shake my head.
"No, you shouldn't say sorry. We shouldn't feel sorry. We're not doing anything wrong. Why do we have to apologize?"
I know that I'm starting to sound like a broken record for we went through this already, many times actually.
"I'm sorry."
"There's nothing wrong with us. Please, stop apologizing."
"Okay, baby. It's okay, we'll be okay."
"I'm so tired, Yunho. Why can't we love like them? I don't want to keep loving in the shadows. I can't live like this forever. All I want to do is hold your hands and kiss you whenever I feel like it. Why can't we be like that?"
"Why do I have to be born like this?" I tell him and he holds me tighter.
"Don't say that. If you were born differently, then there wouldn't be you and me, and I don't think I can handle that. Don't say stuff like that baby."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing. Didn't you just tell me to stop feeling sorry?" He tries to chuckle but he lets out a choke instead.
"I'm just so used to apologizing. It's not fair. Loving is supposed to be a good thing, but why is it so painful for us?" I stare into his eyes to look for answers.
"I promise you that one day you will no longer feel pain and we will love openly without having to worry about what others will think."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I will make it happen. One day, we will be strong enough to face evil and when the time comes, we will face the world together. One day baby, I promise you."
I look at him and he stares back at me. His eyes tell me everything and I understand. No apologies. No regrets. Only promises.
"It's not fair. Why can't we be like them?"
"I'm sorry baby."
I shake my head.
"No, you shouldn't say sorry. We shouldn't feel sorry. We're not doing anything wrong. Why do we have to apologize?"
I know that I'm starting to sound like a broken record for we went through this already, many times actually.
"I'm sorry."
"There's nothing wrong with us. Please, stop apologizing."
"Okay, baby. It's okay, we'll be okay."
"I'm so tired, Yunho. Why can't we love like them? I don't want to keep loving in the shadows. I can't live like this forever. All I want to do is hold your hands and kiss you whenever I feel like it. Why can't we be like that?"
"Why do I have to be born like this?" I tell him and he holds me tighter.
"Don't say that. If you were born differently, then there wouldn't be you and me, and I don't think I can handle that. Don't say stuff like that baby."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing. Didn't you just tell me to stop feeling sorry?" He tries to chuckle but he lets out a choke instead.
"I'm just so used to apologizing. It's not fair. Loving is supposed to be a good thing, but why is it so painful for us?" I stare into his eyes to look for answers.
"I promise you that one day you will no longer feel pain and we will love openly without having to worry about what others will think."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I will make it happen. One day, we will be strong enough to face evil and when the time comes, we will face the world together. One day baby, I promise you."
I look at him and he stares back at me. His eyes tell me everything and I understand. No apologies. No regrets. Only promises.
I don't wanna live love this way
I don't wanna hide us away
I wonder if it ever will change
I'm living for that day, someday
I don't wanna hide us away
I wonder if it ever will change
I'm living for that day, someday
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