“This is nice,” said Taeyeon.

 

The man at the table next to her looked at her weirdly before pulling his coffee closer to himself.

 

Taeyeon shrugged. Right, no talking out loud to myself in public, she thought, so I’ll just think, I guess. She looked down at her own iced tea and ran a finger down the glass, collecting the condensation on her finger. Cafés were nice places, she had to admit as she looked out the window to see people walking by. She should definitely come more often, get out of the house for a little while.

 

She sipped on her drink, enjoying the cool feeling running down . Such peace and quiet. No fear, no anxiety. Best of all, no more of that stupid 3 Minute Girlfriend 2.0 business. “I really have to write a letter of complaint,” she said thoughtfully, drawing circles on the table with the water from the glass. “That stuff was dangerous."

 

There was a squeak and Taeyeon looked up to see the coffee man hurrying away, not before throwing her a judgmental glance over his shoulder.

 

“Oops,” she said. “Okay. No talking to myself."

 

But then who would she talk to? Taeyeon sighed, eyeing the empty chair across from her. This was why she didn’t go out, she remembered. Because it was awkward and sad and it would always remind her of how lonely she was. Wiping the water from the table with the sleeve of her hoodie, Taeyeon pulled the hood over her head and slumped over the table. 

 

“I want a girlfriend,” she mumbled into the wood patterns. 

 

She stayed like that for a while as she mentally ran through the past couple of days. It was mostly good, honestly; all things aside, Tiffany, in whatever guise she was in, was undoubtedly the hottest girl Taeyeon had ever met, fake or real. If she hadn’t been crazy, it would have been great. But, no, thought Taeyeon, wrapping her arms around herself as she felt a sudden chill, even if relationships took work and dedication and understanding, one week with Tiffany was more than enough, thank you very much. Never again.

 

There was a quiet cough, and someone said, “Is this seat taken?"

 

In the back of her mind, Taeyeon knew it was socially conventional for her to sit up and smile and say, “No, please have a seat!” But she was sad, it had been a really exhausting week, so she shrugged half-heartedly, head still on the table, and said something like, “Nah."

 

“Thanks,” said the voice. There was a clink and the faint scent of coffee wafted into Taeyeon’s nose. “Oh, I’m so sorry! Some of my coffee got onto your hood and—”

 

Taeyeon sat up slowly, feeling her head for dampness. “It’s fine,” she said. Then she stopped. And stared.

 

“T-Taeyeon?"

 

“Tiffany?!” Taeyeon pushed her chair back. “I thought I microw—” 

 

Across the table, Tiffany’s face was almost green. “Taeyeon, I, I can explain, I—”

 

“This isn’t happening!” Taeyeon stood up so suddenly she nearly knocked over her drink. Catching it just in time, she righted it as she frantically picked up her things. “I microwaved the manual, I swear, I did, you’re not supposed to be here, oh god—”

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you, it wasn’t even my bat, I just found it on the street, I’m so sorry—”

 

Something clicked when Taeyeon heard Tiffany’s stream of words and she paused in her packing. “What did you just say?"

 

“I’m sorry!"

 

“No, before that. What bat?"

 

Tiffany cowered behind her coffee cup. “The baseball bat I hit you with."

 

“You hit me with a baseball bat?"

 

“Y-yes?"

 

“When?"

 

“L-last night, I wasn’t thinking right, I’m so sorry!"

 

Taeyeon stared. “Your name is Tiffany?"

 

“Yes, oh god, did I break your brain? I thought it would be all over now, sorry, I’m so sorry—”

 

“Do you happen to have a white purse?"

 

“Um,” Tiffany blinked rapidly, “I don’t think so? I can find one if you need it though, please forgive me, I’ll do anything!"

 

“Have you heard of Winey Wines Winery?"

 

“…No?"

 

“Timpo tissue?"

 

“I-I have some tissue, if you need it—”

 

“Knifey Knives?"

 

Tiffany closed her eyes and swallowed. “Please don’t hurt me,” she whispered.

 

“No, I meant,” Taeyeon slowly put her bag down and sat back into the chair, “Tiffany, have you heard of the 3 Minute Girlfriend kit?"

 

Taeyeon watched as Tiffany’s eyes flew open.

 

“Have you?"

 

A hesitant nod. “Aren’t you…from the kit?"

 

“No, I’m real.” Taeyeon crossed her arms. “I also bought the kit a few days ago."

 

“At the dawn release?"

 

Taeyeon nodded.

 

“So you’re not from the kit?"

 

“Nope."

 

Tiffany seemed to almost deflate from relief. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to— I mean, you just look exactly like the, the, uh, person from the kit and I kind of freaked out."

 

“Did you microwave the manual? It’s supposed to cancel out all the effects of the set."

 

“I did! I did that this morning but I guess I just,” Tiffany looked down awkwardly at her coffee, “forgot, in the moment."

 

Taeyeon looked at Tiffany, really looked at Tiffany. A baggy pink t-shirt and long brown hair - Tiffany didn’t look all that different from all the other Tiffanys Taeyeon had met in the past few days. And yet, as she watched Tiffany fiddle nervously with her fingers, Taeyeon felt like there was something about this Tiffany, something realer, more solid.

 

“W-was I in your kit?"

 

Taeyeon jolted out of her reverie. “Uh, yes."

 

“That’s…really weird. They used real people?"

 

“I’m pretty surprised myself. I don’t even know how they do it - it can’t be actors, right? Because you’re sitting here but you clearly don’t remember being a CF model?"

 

Tiffany’s eyes widened. “I was a CF model?"

 

“Yeah, you tried really hard to sell me some perfume, along with a couple of different things."

 

“That’s weird."

 

“Then again, it wasn’t really you.” Taeyeon poked the ice in her drink. “It was your face and your voice and everything but you weren’t with me yesterday, were you?"

 

“Well, I mean,” said Tiffany, wincing. “Not you you, per se, but it was someone who looked very much like you."

 

“I’m curious. If you don’t mind me asking…what exactly did you do with the baseball bat?"

 

Tiffany buried her face in her hands. “Oh, god. I know it wasn’t real but oh my god."

 

“If it makes you feel better, I slammed the door in your— in Tiffany’s— in her face,” said Taeyeon, looking down in shame.

 

“Wow. CF model me?"

 

“Yeah. Pretty bad, huh?"

 

Tiffany peeked through her fingers. “I kind of hit Taeyeon in the head with a baseball bat,” she said in a small voice.

 

“In the head?!"

 

“It was a terrible idea, I don’t know what came over me, but you, I mean, Taeyeon, was being really creepy and I just had to hit her because I couldn’t call the police!"

 

Taeyeon forced herself not to touch the back of her head, which was itching a little. “What even happened? What box did you microwave?"

 

“It was Young Adult Novel Girlfriend. It started out okay—”

 

“Oh, I know that feeling."

 

“—But ended with Taeyeon sitting in a tree outside my window, staring intensely at me even though I asked her again and again to leave because I had to sleep."

 

“What?"

 

“Yeah.” Tiffany cringed. “Like, it was weird. In the day she stayed in my apartment because she sparkled in the sun, but at night she just sat outside my window and watched me."

 

“So you hit her with a baseball bat?"

 

Tiffany looked at Taeyeon with an anguished expression. “Should I have just called the police?"

 

“I…I don’t know, to be honest."

 

“I h-hit her, she fell out of the tree, I microwaved the manual and ran down to hide the body but there was nothing there. Not even any b-blood.” Tiffany took a deep breath. “Did I murder someone? Am I a murderer?"

 

Taeyeon was really out of her depth. Was Tiffany a murderer? Did Taeyeon even die? Was that Taeyeon a real person? Would the police have helped? Would they have been able to help? She glanced across the table to see Tiffany rocking slowly back and forth in her seat and felt as though she should do something before things really got out of hand.

 

“Uh,” she said eloquently. “Was that your last case?"

 

Tiffany stopped rocking. “Of the kit? Yeah.” She shuddered. “Yes. Thank god."

 

“Pretty bad, huh?"

 

“Yeah. Yours too?"

 

“Never again. Never."

 

Tiffany laughed weakly and stirred her coffee. “Never again,” she echoed.

 

“I mean, some bits were okay,” said Taeyeon, blushing a little at the memory of possessive Tiffany’s kisses. “It wasn’t all bad."

 

“I know what you mean."

 

Taeyeon met Tiffany’s eyes and saw a soft look that wasn’t there a moment ago. Awkwardly, they both looked away and Taeyeon cleared .

 

“So. Let’s be friends?”

 

“Sorry?"

 

She cursed herself. Why was she so bad at talking? “Um. Since we’ve clearly had some shared trauma, I thought maybe we could be friends? Besides,” she said, deciding to be a little honest, “I know I bought the kit because I wanted some companionship. If you’re looking for someone to hang out with, maybe we can be friends?"

 

Tiffany started to smile. “I’d love that. I have to admit, it was nice to have someone to talk to at home. At the start, I mean. Not when the fires happened. Or when the baby showed up."

 

“Fires?” Taeyeon narrowed her eyes. “Baby?"

 

“Didn’t you have Firefighter girlfriend?"

 

Taeyeon shook her head mutely.

 

“Oh,” said Tiffany, turning a bit red. “So no fires for you?"

 

“No?"

 

“Great,” she heard Tiffany say under her breath. “Just my luck."

 

“And the baby? Was this ‘Baby girlfriend’ or something like that?"

 

Tiffany’s eye took on a haunted look. “Oh, I wish. I wish it was. Actually, that would’ve made a lot more sense! Why did they even…” She trailed off.

 

“Babysitter girlfriend?"

 

“Not quite."

 

“K-kidnapper girlfriend?"

 

“No! It was One-night-stand girlfriend!"

 

“One…"

 

Tiffany rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Yes. That was…that was a wild ride."

 

“Oh…"

 

“No!” Judging by Tiffany’s scarlet face and scandalized expression, Taeyeon realized she must’ve shown a little too much on her own face. “N-not like that! Nothing happened! We didn’t— I mean, she and I, nothing happened!"

 

“Okay!"

 

They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Taeyeon could feel her cheeks burning but she didn’t dare look at Tiffany until she heard her say, “Oh, sorry,”. She lifted her head to see Tiffany scooting her chair forward to let a large man pass behind her. After he left, Tiffany gave her a weak smile. 

 

“Yeah, it wasn’t anything like…like that. I opened the door and there you, I mean, her, she; there she was. Standing in front of my door. With a baby. Like, a newborn baby. Very small baby."

 

Taeyeon felt like she was watching someone’s marbles roll away. “And?"

 

“Well, she just looks at me really seriously and hands me the baby. And I take the baby and she says, ‘This is your son.’"

 

“Uh."

 

“And I’m like, ‘What?’ She says, ‘Remember me? We spent that night together at the beach,’ and here I am just thinking what the is happening, and she goes, ‘This is your son. Our son.’"

 

Taeyeon nodded slowly. “But…how?"

 

“Exactly! I was about to ask but she looked so serious and then I looked down at the baby and,” Tiffany squeezed her eyes shut, “I swear I’m not making this up, but it had my eyes but your nose and mouth and it was really, really weird."

 

“Very,” said Taeyeon, because she didn’t know what else to say. 

 

“How, right? We’re both female and it was just really, really weird and bad. Bad, bad, bad. So!” Tiffany sat up suddenly and smiled brightly, a little too brightly; Taeyeon could see her holding desperately onto the last shreds of her sanity. “Let’s start over!"

 

“Technically, we just met."

 

“Then let’s be friends, starting now.” Tiffany reached over the table and extended a hand. “Hi, I’m Tiffany Hwang."

 

Taeyeon shook Tiffany’s hand; it was warm, and very soft, and she couldn’t help but smile. “I’m Taeyeon, Kim Taeyeon. Nice to meet you.” 

 

“Let’s forget about that godforsaken kit forever, okay?"

 

“Yes. No more obsessiveness."

 

“No more babies."

 

“No more violence."

 

“No more guns."

 

Taeyeon stared.

 

“I’m guessing you didn’t have 007 girlfriend?"

 

Taeyeon shook her head.

 

“Pity,” said Tiffany. “She was hot. Until she got shot while running off a building."

 

“What?!"

 

“Anyway, no more of any of that, okay?"

 

Taeyeon decided not to push the issue. Instead, she reached out and hooked her pinky with Tiffany’s. “No more of that,” she agreed, with feeling.

 

--

 

She didn’t end up writing that letter of complaint. After all, how could she when the 3 Minute Girlfriend 2.0 kit did, eventually, give her the best, most unexpected gift of all? Sure, it had been a bit of a trainwreck, but at the end of the day it did give her a girlfriend - someone who was a little possessive, kind of athletic, ambivalent about cats, an avid Instagram user, pretty enough to be a model; it gave her Tiffany, and Taeyeon was more than happy with her Last girlfriend.