“Okay, honestly,” said Taeyeon to the one last case of the 3 Minute Girlfriend that she held in both hands, “I can see so many different ways this could go wrong."

 

The box almost seemed to smirk at her, the words “CF Model Girlfriend” gleaming with an inanimate kind of malice. 

 

“But in order to show you that Kim Taeyeon doesn’t give up because she’s not a coward, I am going to microwave you.” She took a deep breath, put the box into the microwave, and shut the door gently. This time, instead of walking away, she watched as the case spun around and around. “You best behave yourself,” she said, glaring at it through the glass, “or I am going to write a letter of complaint - that’s right, I’m going to actually write one to tell your people how badly you’ve been doing. You hear me? Are you afraid now?"

 

The box sudden began to shrivel up.

 

“Yeah, that’s right! Fear me!"

 

Taeyeon watched with great satisfaction as the case got smaller and smaller, until it disappeared with a faint pop. At the same time, the microwave timer and the doorbell both went off. 

 

“This better be good,” muttered Taeyeon to herself as she went to get the door. “Hello, Tiffany."

 

Today’s Tiffany was dressed in all white, from her simple dress down to her bag and her shoes. Long hair, let loose down her back, and very light makeup made for a rather radiant but innocent look. She smiled and said, “Hey! I got you something!"

 

Tiffany held up a small white box, which Taeyeon took as Tiffany removed her shoes. “Thanks! What’s this?"

 

“A cake! Let’s share it!"

 

Later, as they sat on the couch with the cake in front of them, Tiffany reached over Taeyeon to grab the plates she had taken from the kitchen. Tiffany’s hair fell luxuriously over her shoulder and Taeyeon gulped. “It’s a little hot in here, isn’t it?” She asked nervously, taking a few shallow breaths. Then she frowned. “Are you wearing perfume?"

 

Tiffany looked up quizzically. “Perfume?"

 

“Yeah. Smells like…a rainforest? With soothing music and a voiceover?"

 

“Oh, you mean this,” laughed Tiffany, holding up a pink glass bottle, “the all-new Girl de Provence scent, made from organically grown wisteria?"

 

“Um, where did that bottle just come from?"

 

“It’s made from fair trade products, all hand-sourced from Chile!"

 

“No, I mean, how did that bottle just appear out of thin air?"

 

Tiffany smiled mysteriously, holding the bottle up next to her face with the label facing Taeyeon. “You want to try some?

 

“I’m good, than—” 

 

A strong, floral mist assaulted Taeyeon’s face, overwhelming her senses. She held her breath but it was too late; itched violently and she began to cough. 

 

“Oh, no! Are you alright?” Tiffany patted her back worriedly. “Do you need a tissue?"

 

“Yes, please,” gasped Taeyeon.

 

“Take this! Timpo tissue, extra strong! There are three high-quality layers, guaranteed to see you through any situation!” Tiffany pulled out a packet of tissue to show Taeyeon. “Soft but strong, with Timpo tissue you can’t go wrong!"

 

“Please just give me one!"

 

A desperate minute later, Taeyeon sat back on the couch, trying to catch her breath. Tiffany hovered beside her with a concerned expression. “Are you okay, Taetae? Did the Timpo tissue help?"

 

“Yeah.” It came out as a croak, so Taeyeon cleared and tried again. “Yes, I’m okay."

 

“Good, I was so worried! Did you like the Girl de Provence Wisteria perfume?"

 

Taeyeon gave her a weak thumbs-up. “Loved it, thanks."

 

“Yay! Now we can eat the cake!” As Taeyeon moved to get up, Tiffany put a hand on her arm. “You rest. I’ll cut the cake."

 

Taeyeon nodded gratefully and sank back into the couch. She watched as Tiffany deftly untied the ribbon, watched as she brushed her hair back, watch as her hair once again fell across her shoulders. Taeyeon frowned. Was it just her eyes or…no, she thought as she blinked, no, there was definitely some slow-mo going on. Light reflected off Tiffany’s hair as it cascaded dramatically down her back - Taeyeon looked up, but no, there was no extra lighting anywhere. “What the,” she whispered to herself.

 

“What did you say?"

 

“I said—what the?!” Taeyeon flattened herself against the couch as Tiffany pulled a large, very sharp-looking knife out of her purse. “What the hell?"

 

“Hmm?"

 

“Where did you get that?!"

 

Tiffany held up the knife. “This? I got this Knifey Knife for a great deal! Their holiday promotions are just beginning, so Knifey Knives are now selling at a discounted price - and if you buy two Knifey Knives, you can get a Choppy Chopping board for half price!” She beamed. “A great deal, so don’t miss out!"

 

“Got it, thank you.” Taeyeon took a deep breath to calm her racing heart. “Need help?"

 

“No, I’m okay. How big of a slice do you want?"

 

“Hmm. What kind of cake is this? Or, actually,” said Taeyeon, realizing her mistake, “pretend I didn’t ask th—”

 

“This cake? I’m glad you asked!”

 

Tiffany gestured grandly at the cake; somewhere on the fringes of Taeyeon’s consciousness, she almost heard some tinkling background music.

 

“This is the world-famous Japanese half-baked soufflé cake! Baked fresh in the bakery every day, the cake made from a variety of healthy ingredients, all flown in directly from Japan! The soft texture and creamy, sweet flavor completely overwhelms your senses - it’s no surprise that this cake is so popular that it sells out within an hour!"

 

Taeyeon found herself nodding along. “How did you get it, then?"

 

“Special promotion,” said Tiffany, winking. “Anyway, here’s your slice!"

 

It was very good cake, Taeyeon had to admit. Before long, they had completely polished it off between the two of them and Taeyeon sighed in contentment as she patted her tummy. “Ah, this would’ve been even better with—”

 

“With the Winey Wine Winery’s special centenary red?” Tiffany pulled a bottle of wine out of her purse. “Winey Wine Winery’s celebrating its 100th year as a producer of fine wines! The centenary bottle has an elegant, oaky scent, and its full body and velvety Merlot texture makes for a very balanced vintage!"

 

Taeyeon stared. “Is your purse magical or something? How are you pulling so many things out of it?!"

 

“This purse? It’s—” 

 

“Actually, hold that thought.” Taeyeon stood up and headed for the kitchen. “I have a feeling I may need some alcohol to get through the afternoon."

 

She returned with the two wineglasses she had - why she had two was mostly a result of some misplaced optimism, given that she never drank and certainly never had enough people over to use both glasses. But now she wiped them off carefully and brought them back into the living room. 

 

“There we go,” she said, setting them down on the coffee table.

 

Tiffany gasped. “These glasses!"

 

“What? They’re just cheap glasses I got from Ikea one day—” 

 

“Aren’t these the Mügen Flügen glasses from Ikea? The perfect balance of the wineglass complements the bowl itself, which is made of finely-blown glass with a thickness that brings out the best aromas of any wine! A great choice, Taeyeon!"

 

“T-thank you,” said Taeyeon. “Would you happen to have a corkscre—”

 

Tiffany produced a corkscrew from her purse with a flourish. “This Foldy Waiter Corkscrew is—”

 

“Is fantastic, I’m sure,” said Taeyeon, grabbing the bottle. “Thank you for lending it to me."

 

She popped the cork out and poured the wine into the two glasses. Swirling it in the glass, Taeyeon turned to Tiffany, who was sipping some wine in slow-mo. Taeyeon stifled a sigh.

 

“So, Tiffany. How do you know so much about all this stuff?"

 

“Me? I just know it, I guess.” Tiffany smiled. “Is it unusual?"

 

“Yeah, well, you’re very familiar with a lot of brands and all their promotions. What’s your job again? It must’ve slipped my mind."

 

“I’m a member of the popular Korean girl group, Girls’ Generation!"

 

Taeyeon snorted. “Yeah, right. And that’s why you’re a CF model?"

 

“Yep! How did you know?"

 

“Okay,” said Taeyeon, putting her wineglass down, “now that’s just delusional. No way you’re part of Girls’ Generation."

 

“But…but I am!"

 

Taeyeon observed the earnest look on Tiffany’s face. “You really believe that, don’t you?"

 

“Believe that I’m a member of Girls’ Generation? Of course! I am!"

 

“Right, that’s it. Guess what, Tiffany?” Taeyeon smiled brightly. “I have something to show you!"

 

“What is it?"

 

“Come with me. You’re going to love it."

 

Tiffany stood up, a curious smile on her face. “What are you going to show me?"

 

“Over here,” said Taeyeon, picking up Tiffany’s purse and slinging it over one shoulder. “Look at this! Know what this is?"

 

“Your door?"

 

“Yes!” Taeyeon opened her front door. “Please, step right here,” she pointed to her welcome mat outside the door. “Now, let me tell you about this amazing thing. This is my door! It’s wooden and thick, but slides smoothly on its hinges!"

 

“That’s great!"

 

“The knobs were purchased from some random store I happened to walk by a few years ago. There was no promotion, so i bought them at the normal store price, which was a little expensive!"

 

Tiffany was about to speak, but Taeyeon held up a hand. 

 

“However, I think it’s a good price for its function. See, this knob allows me to open and close the door. And the door allows me a certain degree of separation between the world and I. It also allows me to keep my sanity inside my apartment. So,” she said, handing the purse to a confused Tiffany, “I’m going to close the door to give you a little privacy as you think about what a fine example of interior design it is. Goodbye, Tiffany."

 

Taeyeon closed the door on Tiffany.

 

“Taeyeon? Taeyeon!” 

 

She ignored the muffled voice from behind the door as she locked and bolted it. Walking calmly into the kitchen, Taeyeon picked up the 3 Minute Girlfriend instruction manual from the floor.

 

“Frankly, I am a little appalled at what I just did,” she said to the manual, hands shaking a little, “but I am also really impressed at how well and how quickly you drove me into a corner. Now, how do I turn you off?"

 

She found it in fine print at the bottom of the last page. 

 

“In order to completely eradicate all effects of the 3 Minute Girlfriend kit, microwave this manual on high for 3 minutes. Warning: this action is irreversible and the 3 Minute Girlfriend company holds no responsibility to refund you if you choose to do so.” Taeyeon shrugged. “Fine by me."

 

With great satisfaction, she opened the microwave door and set the paper inside. 

 

“Good riddance,” Taeyeon said with finality. She set the timer for 3 and pushed the button.